The Sports Zoo

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

The Top 3 Most Annoying People On Election Day

Look, I’m not going to hate on elections. Democracy is what makes America the best country ever. We actually get to vote. No other country in the world gets to do that. But, with that said, if you fall into one of these categories today you probably need to kill yourself.

1. Guy who won’t tell you who he is voting for -

Chappelle was right, the things we share with other people to then not share who we’re voting for is patently ridicolous. But for me its more than that. Today is the one day of the year that I have to talk about politics with strangers and people I bump into. Its like the day before the Super Bowl, or the day before a big storm. Its no different than saying, “hey who do you like in the big game?” or “How about that snow we’re about to get”. I’m not talking to you about politics because I want to. I’m doing it because I have to. Because that’s what people do today. So don’t be a pretentious asshole and say “its private” or “I voted for the president”. Fuck you man. Our conversation is going to last for 15 seconds. See if you can last FIFTEEN seconds without being a total douchebag.

2. Sticker Person -

Google images really came through with the perfect “Sticker People”

“I Voted”. Thanks Dude! I jerked off today, you don’t see me wearing a sticker saying “I Masturbated!”. These people are the same people that wear their marathon medals around town. No different. They want credit for doing something a monkey could do. Like you remember the World Cup a couple years ago when they had that Squid picking games? That proves it right there. A squid could vote. A fucking squid. You’re not special. You don’t need a sticker. You don’t need a pat on the back. Just vote and be done with it. If you feel the need to wear a sticker around all day you probably have a small penis.

See Also the “I Voted” people on Facebook. They’re just new age sticker people.

3. I’m Moving to Canada -

These people might be the worst. “If so and so doesn’t win I’m moving to Canada”. No you’re not you fucking drama queen. If so and so wins nothing in your day to day life is changing. Literally NOTHING. So stop looking for attention by telling everyone how awful candidate X is. Its all the same. You’re staying exactly where you are. No one is moving to Canada because Canada is fucking weird. You know it, I know it, and the whole world knows it, so just shut up and deal with losing like a man (i.e. get drunk and say racist things or make fun of mormons depending on what side wins).

Honorable Mentions

Every vote counts person – Every vote counts you guys! Shut up Puff Daddy. No it doesn’t. I live in New York. Half of the state could fall into Onondaga Lake and my vote still wouldn’t mean shit.

Sign Holders – I was totally going to vote for Obama until I saw that guy standing in front of the polling place with a Romney Sign. Way to go man. You killed it!

“Good Luck” People – Rare bird but they’re out there. Hey, I’m going to Vote. “Oh Good Luck”. Seriously? What the fuck do I need luck for? I’m not playing the lottery or taking a test. I’m filling in a bubble next to a name. Its my own decision. Luck is literally the last thing that comes into play.

“You Can’t Complain For The Next 4 Years If You Don’t Vote” – Fuck that. I am voting today but if I weren’t voting I’d still complain every single day for the next 4 years because that’s what people do, they complain. Shit sucks. Life is miserable. We complain. Because I did or did not vote has nothing to do with it. I’ll stop complaining about things when I’m dead and not a minute sooner.

Vote NO on Question #1,283 – Always one of these. The one guy who is absolutely adamant on some obscure issue. “Stop greyhound racing after 6 pm on Holidays, Vote No on Question 54″. “Limit the use of Lawn Mowers on Saturdays, Vote Yes on Question 283″. Shut up dude. Who cares. If you’re not allowed to do something because of some silly city ordinance just do it anyway. No one will stop you. Last I checked this is America.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

League Rejects PA’s Counter-Offers

A day which began with cautious optimism has ended once again in disappointment, as the NHL rejected the NHLPA’s latest offers, stoking fears of another lost season.

NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman emerged from today’s meeting with the NHLPA (which barely lasted an hour) to express disappointment in the players’ offers, claiming the two sides weren’t speaking the same language, calling the PA’s offers a step backward in the process.

Bettman claimed the PA’s proposals were merely variations of their initial one this summer regarding the playersshare of revenue.

Fehr subsequently spoke to the media, where he gave brief descriptions of the PA’s three offers. As per Tweets from James Mirtle:

No. 1: Would have fixed share in first three years. Share then frozen until hits 50% (Year 3 to 5).

No. 2: Players will get 25% of any growth. Their share would hit 51% by Year 4 and 50% by Year 5 with 5% growth.

No. 3: “We’ll move to 50-50 as long as you honor contracts.” Players get 13% up front to cover those contracts.

The NHLPA isn’t expected to make copies of their proposals available for public scrutiny as the NHL did with their latest proposal earlier this week.

Fehr also said the proposals dealt solely with hockey-related revenue (HRR) and core economics. There was no discussion on other issues (revenue sharing, contract term, arbitration, entry-level contracts, eligibility for UFA status, etc).

He did, however, say the players had concerns over the secondary issues, claiming the things the players got from the last round of concessions, the owners now wanted to take away. He didn’t specify what those concessions were.

It’s easy to see what led to the breakdown in talks today. The NHL wants a 50-50 split immediately. The PA, on the other hand, would prefer either a gradual reduction to minimize the escrow hit for the players, or an immediate 50-50 split if the league honors all existing contracts.

Hopefully, there will be more details upon what the players were offering. I’ll add them to this post if they are made public.

So, where do they go from here?

Well, it’s obvious there won’t be any further negotiations between the two sides this week. Bettman and company flew back to New York in an apparent huff, leaving the PA to stew in their Toronto headquarters.

It’s possible the reactions today are merely public posturing, with “off-line” discussions among the lieutenants from both sides over the weekend.

Then again, the frustration from both sides could be very real, in which case, things could be getting worse instead of better.

The NHL could send a clear signal as to its intentions if it announces cancellation of the next block of games (possibly a month’s worth) between October 19 and 24. Bettman has already made a subtle hint cancellation of future league events, including the Winter Classic, becomes a real possibility in the near future.

Don’t expect another proposal from the league. Bettman and company will now hope the threat of cancellation of more games and potential loss of the Winter Classic could put more pressure upon the PA to offer a more suitable proposal.

The important, positive note to take away from all this is the NHLPA and NHL, despite their rhetoric today, are on the same page regarding division of HRR. Both have agreed to 50-50 split. The question now is how they get there.

The next few days could tell the tale.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

NHL's Latest CBA Proposal

On October 16, the NHL made a new CBA proposal to the NHLPA which caught many observers, including the PA leadership, by surprise. Here’s my take on the salient points of the league’s offer.

The length of the proposal is reportedly six years. No change from the league’s previous offers.

Fifty-fifty split across the board of hockey-related revenue, with no salary rollbacks.

PA director Donald Fehr stated such a quick reduction in players share of revenue would result in “a very large escrow” in the early years of the league’s proposal. Thus, if the players are to accept this 50-50 split, they’ll prefer it be phased in gradually, to lessen the escrow hit.

ESPN’s Pierre LeBrun reported the league’s proposal would allow teams to go over the salary cap for the first season, up to $70 million max, as part of a transition period before the cap would be reduced the following season. That would certainly address the sticky issue of how clubs currently sitting with payrolls currently close to that figure (hello there, Boston Bruins, Minnesota Wild, Vancouver Canucks, among others) would get compliant this season under the league’s plan.

Larry Brooks of the NY Post observed via Twitter, “Escrow has been under 2.5% in 5 of 7 years of last CBA. 12.78% in 08/09, 9.41% in 09/10. Players got added 4.64% in 05/06 and 0.66% in 07/08.”

As James Mirtle of the Globe and Mail observed, escrow could come in at between 7-11 percent, depending upon the annual growth of revenue, which is why it’s an issue for the players. He suggests, however, if the league were to pay that back over time, it could alleviate the problem.

So, without a salary rollback, how does the league get to that 50-50 split in the first year?

According to Tom Gulitti of NorthJersey.com, “money on salaries above that point would be deferred and paid back over the life of the contract”.

Michael Russo of Startribune.com added: if a player on a ten-year deal had $1 million trimmed from his contract, he would get an additional $100K per season for the next ten seasons.

It does, however, come with some risk. As Katie Strang of ESPN.com observed, “if deferred payments rely upon future growth, what happens if future growth not sufficient to support those payments?”

Another issue, as noted by David Shoalts of The Globe and Mail, is if the definition of hockey-related is to remain as it was under the previous agreement, or if the league is seeking changes in their recent proposal.

That, however, appears a detail which will have to be determined between the two sides in future talks.

Eligibility for unrestricted free agency at age 28 or eight years of NHL service.

That represents only a one year increase from the current eligibility for UFA (27, or 7 years of service), which is a decline from the league’s initial proposal of age 30. I consider this a notable concession on the league’s part. PA will likely push to keep the current eligibility criteria, but I can’t see this being a significant show-stopper.

Entry level contract term remains at three years.

The league initially sought to extend that to five years, which I’ve frequently suggested since July could make it difficult for the league to attract the best young European talent. Good to see them showing some common sense with this.

**Update** ESPN.com’s Pierre LeBrun reported entry-level offers for rookies would be two years instead of three. If so, looks like the league understands the potential damage it could do by pushing those ELCs beyond three years.

Contract lengths would be capped at five years.

No change to what the league has initially sought, and which the PA might not be keen to accept. I still don’t foresee this to be a significant sticking point, as only a handful of players get contracts longer than five years (the average is just over three years). If push comes to shove, I don’t see this as a deal-breaker.

Salary arbitration rights remain in place.

The league initially sought to eliminate the players’ right to salary arbitration, so this is a significant concession on their part.

Salaries for NHL players demoted to the minors would still count against salary cap.
This one could be a sticky one. Some pundits believe the PA aren’t going to be keen on that point, but I also think a number of NHL players don’t like teams burying high-salaried players in the minors simply to become cap compliant. See Wade Redden of the NY Rangers for a notable example.

If anything, such a move would handcuff those few big market, free-spending teams which have employed that tactic to rid itself of costly salary cap mistakes.

Revenue sharing would be $200 million. The NHL initially sought $190 million, the NHLPA $250 million.

This is one where I could see some more negotiating between the two sides, as the PA could try to push that number a little higher toward between $210-$220 million.

The League’s offer would be contingent upon a full 82-game schedule beginning on November 2.

That would mean training camp would have to open on October 26 to allow the teams a full seven-day preparation period before the November 2nd start date. The NHL has already cancelled games up to October 24th, so I daresay that’s to be the deadline for a new deal to be implemented in order to reach that November 2nd season opener.

One final point: it’s interesting the NHL’s deal comes on the heels of the revelation of the league employing a noted American pollster to determine the best way to conduct its spin in the PR campaign regarding this lockout. Cynics are suggesting the offer is little more than a PR gambit designed to force the PA into rejecting the offer and thus painting the players as the bad guys and the team owners as the fair and reasonable ones.

Then again, as the Globe and Mail’s David Shoalts suggested:

“Possible reasons could be the adverse fan reaction in many of the league’s U.S. cities, where indifference seemed to be the most noticeable feeling.

This may have frightened more than a few owners in a league that has long waged a battle for mainstream acceptance in the U.S. Several U.S. teams, such as the Dallas Stars, St. Louis Blues, Tampa Bay Lightning, Florida Panthers and the Stanley Cup champion Los Angeles Kings saw the lockout stall their chances to build on encouraging signs in their markets due to ownership changes and/or playoff success.”

The league’s offer certainly puts the puck firmly into the NHLPA’s end. If the players reject it outright, the backlash from the fans will be significant, killing off whatever support they previously enjoyed.

That being said, Fehr’s remarks in the press conference immediately following yesterday’s offer from the league suggest the PA views the league’s offer as a solid “starting point” for further negotiations, which suggests the PA will likely make a counter-proposal soon.

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Dude Builds A UFO House To Prove His Teenage Girlfriend Who Said He’d Never Amount To Anything Wrong

DM — The metal saucer-shaped home of retired industrial arts teacher Roberto Sanchez Rivera, 58, is meant to look just like a grounded UFO. Resting on the slopes of Juana Diaz in Puerto Rico, the otherwordly house exists only to prove a girl wrong after 40-years, and all because Rivera suffered the same fate of many geeks across the planet – he was dumped. As a love-struck teenager, Rivera was an artistic student from a poor family and he would send his girlfriend love notes with little UFO’s drawn round the side. He promised he would one day build a home for the two of them that resembled the flashing flying saucers of the B-movies that they used to watch in the local movie theater. However, one day, after three months of seeing each other she unceremoniously ended the relationship with a Dear John note, sending Rivera to the brink of suicide as he contemplated jumping from the 13th floor of his apartment. ‘It ended because she wrote him a letter saying she did not want to continue the relationship, because she didn’t love him anymore,’ said Maria Martinez, the 56-year-old current girlfriend of Rivera who lives with him in the UFO home and translates English for him. As the fame of his alien house on the hillside grew in the surrounding area, Rivera received an unusual visit four years ago in the dead of night – the girl who had broken his heart 40-years ago. The octagon home was in its final stages of completion and the girl was so impressed she told Rivera that she wanted to get back together with him, but Rivera knew that finally his feelings for the girl had gone and turned her down. Satisfied that he had completed what he promised himself he would, Rivera, who claims he has no interest in science-fiction has advice for anyone who finds himself in the same predicament.

I absolutely respect the fuck out of this guy. Yeah it’s completely batshit to work on a house for 40 years to prove a girl wrong. But you know what? I hold a grudge. I understand what he’s going through. Getting dumped sucks. Some chick dumps you and says you’re fat, you work out to prove her wrong. She says you’re stupid, you go get a library card. She says you’ll never build a UFO shaped house in the Puerto Rican mountainside, you build a UFO shaped house in the Puerto Rican mountainside. Doesn’t matter how long it takes. You do what you have to do to win the breakup, and there’s no clock on that scoreboard. Like for the last 39 years that broad has been strutting that ass saying “I told him. I knew it. He’d never build that house.” Wrong, bitch! In your face! House that hums the theme to Close Encounters, told you! Doesn’t matter that it took 4 decades. Doesn’t matter that this guy doesn’t like SciFi anymore. Doesn’t matter than he doesn’t even like this girl anymore. He won the breakup. And that’s something we should all respect.

PS – how bad does it suck to be the current girlfriend? I don’t care what your man says, he still loves the ex. Tell yourself whatever you want, but when he tucks himself into his rocket ship bed at night and jerks his dick to infinity and beyond, he ain’t thinking about you.

Which Sports League Has The Highest Concentration Of Talent In The World?

This argument has come up with my friends for years and honestly I’m shocked I haven't written this blog earlier. The question concerns the overall level of talent per roster and throughout the league, with sports needing more players on the roster watering down that concentration of talent and those drawing from a bigger pool of athletes (i.e international sports) increasing the talent level. Really — in simplest terms — this list is ranking the most difficult leagues to break into.

Here is my personal Top 5 most talented sports leagues in the world:

5 – La Liga (Spanish soccer)

Home of two of the best soccer teams in the world (Real Madrid & Barcelona), and even though I feel a natural reflex to backhand anyone who pronounces the city Bar-tha-lo-na with the fake lisp I can’t argue that their squad isn’t loaded with talent. Ronaldo and Messi? And you surround them with the best from elsewhere in the world? Reality check: every country on the planet besides us plays soccer. That’s an incredibly deep pool of talent to draw from with a very limited number of roster spots.

4 – NHL

Once wildly popular in all of North America yet recently dwindling down to the Versus network where I think they’re sandwiched between Slamball reruns and Curling, the NHL is still an incredibly profitable league that boasts some of the most nationally diverse talent in the world. And I mean nationally diverse as in players from different nations, because the NHL suffers from a serious lack of black, brown, dark brown, and yellow talent. Lots of potential greats have probably never even tried on skates.

3 – MLB

So many minor leagues and so hard to get to and remain at the major league level. Talent pool that includes all of the Americas as well as Asia, and according to the Little League World Series Africa apparently as well. Small rosters also make it difficult to secure a spot in the rotation. Although if you’re a big fat guy with a decent OBP you can DH until you’re 50.

2 – NBA

As terribly as many NBA owners have managed their own finances, the league as a whole has done a sneakily outstanding job of branding itself internationally. Chinese people love Kobe Bryant in a way that people from his own home town never could. The shit’s insane. Almost every continent on the planet plays the sport, and the rosters offer a very limited number of spots. Want an idea of how exclusive the Association is? A second-round NBA pick isn’t worth jack shit.

1 – English Premier League

I hate to say it but a non-American league boasts to highest concentration of talent of any other league in the world. While the NBA can claim that almost every country in the world plays basketball, soccer can literally say that every country in the world plays their sport. It’s ridiculous. I just picture Brazilian soccer camps that look like the Shaolin temple from Enter The Dragon with a thousand kids all practicing their footwork. I can’t imagine how good that bulldog faced little shit Wayne Rooney must be at kicking that ball to be so dominant in a sport with so much competition. Manchester United, Manchester City, Liverpool, Arsenal, and Chelsea are like vacuums that suck up the world’s best foot fairies. Big money = big talent.

Not on the list – NFL

Why the NFL isn’t on the list: 53-90 players on the roster at any given time means lots of people get the chance to “be on the team”, only 2-3 countries play the sport thus limiting the potential talent pool, also: punters, kickers, and longsnappers. Every father who loves their child should have them kicking goat heads and rocks until they’re in high school. The kicker who can consistently knock down 60 yard FG’s will be the owner of the world’s greatest job.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

The Non-Official But Official How I Met Your Mother Character Power Rankings

It’s amazing how the entire world agrees that Lily sucks. She’s so that fucking girl that tries to piggyback on your group’s inside jokes. She never gets the hint that it’s guy time and she lingers for way too long. Everyone knows you don’t actually like Madden and you just wanna be that cool, Zooey Deschanel “one of the guys” girls. Luckily the show’s humor is supported well enough by the other 4 characters. With the new season starting last night, I present to you the HIMYM power rankings:

1. Barney- The self-proclaimed Barnacle is not only the best character on the show, but easily a top 5 character on television. He slays hood rats, crushes his banking job, and oh yeah… has deployed the most outrageously creative and innovative pickup moves to become a sex icon to whom all men aspire, while in reality, he’s gay. Nothing wrong with NPH getting his guzzle on in real life, but I just find it fascinating that a gay man can play the poster boy for straight. If he’s not your number 1, then you’re obviously a homophobe and quite possibly a racist.

2. Marshall- He would be the number 1 on any other show that doesn’t star NPH. Despite the fact that he’s married to the anti-funny, he brings to the table a witty and unique sense of humor that we don’t see anywhere else. No one on Men at Work is throwing out gems like Marshall’s “I’m too big for New York City” rant. That was honestly one of the funniest television moments I’ve ever seen. Actually that episode is a perfect representation of the power rankings in general- Marshall kills the big fish, small pond spiel, but is upstaged by Barney’s incessant need for a high-five.

3. Ted- Ted is a solid 3. I’m amazed how many people think Ted is an awful character. Granted, he’s a bit of a softy, but you need that juxtaposition with Barney. Otherwise, you just have two players and a married guy anchoring the show. The married guy, pussy monger, relationship seeker is a proven technique that dates back to the last couple seasons of Friends. Don’t fix it if it isn’t broken. Ted also provides someone for us to continually root for and applaud when things go his way.

4. Robin- Robin is only this low by default. She’s a shopping mall sensation in Canada and she’s every guy’s dream. Whereas Lily wants to be and is desperate to be one of the guys, Robin actually is that girl. She smokes cigars, drinks man drinks, and loves hockey. She just oozes perfection. She went through a bit of an uggo stretch in the middle seasons, but I forgive her, as I’ve learned she was actually pregnant in real life and concealing it on the show. Bravo, Scherbatsky- anyone that can still summon blood to the tip while bearing a child is okay in my book.

5.- Literally everyone else on the show besides Lily. Clint, Ranjit, Wayne Brady, even Punchy- Ted’s annoying, over-the-top friend from Cleveland (love him in Blue Mountain State though)- is better than Lily. I wish HIMYM took a really dark turn in the episode with Amanda Peet working in Marshall’s office. Lily finds out about the situation, spite-fucks some dude out of anger and the power couple breaks up. Ratings may have taken a momentary hit for a week or two, but it’s for the greater good. Lily’s stupid, corny humor is the only thing in the way of How I Met Your Mother being an elite show like Friends or Seinfeld. Band camp bitch has to go. They need to replace her at the start of this season with someone who doesn’t suck. Don’t even make a reference to it in the show either. Fresh Prince of Bel-Air did it like 82 times with the mom. Just get Debra Messing or something; she’s been a ghost since Along Came Polly