NFL Wives Start Club To Stop Husbands From Cheating

ABC – Keeping a man honest is a noble goal — and a tough one if your husband is an NFL player. Traded from team to team, they work grueling schedules and have little time at home with their wives or significant others. And there are women who would do anything to snag a good-looking athlete as a trophy. Minnesota Vikings star Brett Favre has been accused of sending photos of his private parts to a New York Jets’ game hostess when he was their quarterback in 2008. Just last spring, former New York Giants player Tiki Barber left his wife Ginny for 23-year-old NBC intern Traci Lynn Johnson. At the time, Barber’s wife was 8-months pregnant with twins. So how to keep players on the straight and narrow? Tia Robbins, wife of St. Louis defensive tackle Fred Robbins, has launched a company, Off the Market, with Jerika Johnstone, wife of former NFL player Lance Johnstone and Jasmine Silva, girlfriend of St. Louis Rams safety James Butler. Off the Market sponsors invitation-only gatherings for NFL couples, allowing them to socialize on the road, bonding others so they can sustain a “positive, healthy, sexy, fun relationship.” “When we got married, it was a huge commitment for both of us,” said Robbins. “We were wondering how we could keep this marriage fresh and fun and rewarding.” The wives also want to create a haven for committed couples – so their husband’s don’t stray. “We can’t keep anyone from being unfaithful,” said Robbins, who is expecting her first child in June. “But we can create the environment.”

You know what I think Tia Robbins is on to something here. How much free time does an NFL player have during the season? 4 hours? 5? OK now let’s take 3.5 of those hours and have some book club meeting where we sit around the fireplace and talk about having a positive healthy and fun relationship. I think that’s what football players like to do right? Talk about their feelings and emotions with their partner? Hmm this could work. Unless of course you’re of the mindset that the best way to keep your man happy is to fuck and blow him constantly after 3-a-days. I know it sounds crazy but some people might think keeping your husband happy sexually might work better at preventing cheating than dragging him to Martha’s house for a cupcake party.

Seriously can somebody tell this bitch Tia Robbins to get over herself? Like yeah no shit your husband doesn’t cheat lady. He’s on the Rams. Probably don’t see too many Giants’ wives on the Off The Market Facebook fan page seeing as they pretty much just accept when you’re on the best team in the NFL you’re knee deep in pussy 24/7 on the road. Or knee deep in asshole if you were Strahan. But either way if an athlete who spends 50% of his time on the road is gonna cheat he’s gonna cheat. You probably can’t avoid it and certainly not with invitation-only spouses counseling gatherings. Sorry football wives but then again I think you knew what you were getting into when you married a pro athlete and keep cashing in his million dollar paychecks

How Far Do You Think You Could Hit A Golf Ball Down 3rd Avenue?

Big heated debate yesterday amongst myself and my crew of retards. My delusional roommate thinks he can hit a golf ball EIGHTY city blocks down 3rd ave. 80. Eight zero. Has to be the stupidest comment of all time, right? Dumbest debate I’ve had since people doubted if I could walk to Florida or get away with murdering someone in Manhattan.

We’re gonna say that a city block is roughly 1/20th of a mile. I’d say thats fair. 20 blocks in a mile. 1/20th of a mile is 264 feet. So 80 blocks is 21,120 feet. To translate that into golf terms thats 7,040 yards. Or if you want to really put things in perspective, four miles.

My roommate thinks he can drive a golf ball four miles.

Couple things you gotta remember – He’s talking about how much bounce he’d get off the concrete and the sides of buildings and shit and we gave him the caveat that it wouldn’t just hit the back of a car or something and get stuck. Now, he’s 100% correct in saying that a golf ball will bounce for days on concrete. I remember I used to hit golf balls with baseball bats and tennis racquets and they’d go to the motherfuckin moon. But there’s simply no chance you can hit a golf ball four miles. That's like going from Grand Central to 125th street. More or less you’re hitting a ball the entire useful portion of Manhattan.

If he hits a shot square 300 yards, thats roughly 3 blocks. He’d need 77 blocks of roll. You’re legitimately insane if you think that can happen. I said he could hit it about 8 blocks. Which might be a little bit on the low side. This may be the stupidest conversation I’ve ever had.

I’m Sick And Tired Of These Monkey Fighting Crocodiles, On This Monday to Friday Plane!

Congo - A STOWAWAY crocodile on a flight escaped from its carrier bag and sparked an onboard stampede that caused the flight to crash, killing 19 passengers and crew. The croc had been hidden in a passenger’s sports bag – allegedly with plans to sell it – but it tore loose and ran amok, sparking panic. A stampede of terrified passengers caused the small aircraft to lose balance and tip over in mid-air during an internal flight in the Democratic Republic of Congo. The unbalanced load caused the aircraft, on a routine flight from the capital, Kinshasa, to the regional airport at Bandundu, to go into a spin and crash into a house. A lone survivor from the Let 410 plane told the astonishing tale to investigators. Ironically the crocodile also survived the crash but was later killed with a machete by rescuers sifting through the wreckage.

Gotta love the Congo, huh? I can’t even walk in the door at JFK with some goddam sunscreen in a carry on but if you’re cruising from Kinhasa to Bandundu just stow your fucking crocodile in the overhead compartment and you’re good to go. This is your captain speaking – please make sure to fasten your seat belts, keep your tray in the upright position and make sure your poached crocodiles stay securely fastened so there’s no chaos resulting in a fiery death crash for everyone on board. Fucking Congo, all you’re good for is talking gorillas and laser guns and diamonds.

That croc probably thought he was a free man too. Escaped from his cage, survived the crash, ready to just waddle away from the wreckage back to the Lost City of Zinj and bingo bango you’re hacked to pieces with a machete.

PS – You couldn’t pay me to get on one of those planes that are so tiny you need to distribute the weight in order to fly. We’re gonna go thousands of feet in the air and if the fatso sitting on the wing sneezes or takes a dump our plane is fucked? Thanks but no thanks.

I Would Give Cliff Lee $325 Million Over 10 Years

“Cliff Lee is human. He has given up runs before,” said Yankee Manager Joe Girardi testily. “I don’t think we’re in trouble.”

Um, Strike 1, 2 and 3. Another K for the Yankees. Because Errday Cliff is For Sure NOT human, I don’t think he’s ever given up a run, and the Yankees are most certainly in trouble.

I’m trying to remember the last time I saw a pitcher tear it up in the postseason like this and I can’t because its NEVER HAPPENED IN MY LIFETIME. You gotta go back to Christy Mathewson who pitched in like 1756. 3-0, 24 IPs, 34 Ks, 1 BB. 7-0 career in the postseason with a 1.26 ERA and 3 wins over the Yankees. As a bitter Mets fan with a Yankees inferiority complex Clifton Phifer Lee has sidled right up along side Curt Schilling as one of my favorite Yankee Killers ever.

Hey does anyone remember that time Cliff Lee was so bad he was sent to the MINORS? How the fuck did that happen? Dude was so bad in 2007 he was temporarily kicked out of the majors. Cliff Lee was pitching so poorly that he was getting treated like Oliver Perez. Think about that for a moment. Now he’s being mentioned in the same sentenced as Bob Gibson and Sandy Koufax and he’s going to get like 200 zillion dollars. Like who the fuck was the pitching coach on that minor league ball club? Somebody get me that guy. Oh and here’s a fun little tidbit for literally every single fan of every single other team other than the Rangers – in order to send Errday Cliff down, he had to pass through waivers unclaimed. Every franchise in baseball had the chance to claim him and they just passed. He was on a 3 year, $14 million contract, but I guess that 5 million per year price tag was just too much. That stings almost as the Yankees refusing to part with secondary prospects to land him at the trade deadline.

And the worst part is, the next time dude pitches in the Bronx he’ll be sitting in the first base dugout.

11 Year Old Narc’s On His Parents For Smoking Weed

MATTHEWS, NC (WBTV) – Two parents are facing drug charges after their child took their drugs to school and told a school officer his parents were breaking the law. The 11-year-old student is in 5th grade at a an elementary school in Matthews. Police say he brought his parents’ marijuana cigarettes to school when he reported them. Matthews Police say he reported his parents after a lesson about marijuana was delivered by a police officer who is part of the D.A.R.E. program, which teaches kids about the dangers of drugs, alcohol, and tobacco. Police say both the 11-year old and a sibling have been removed from the parents’ house by social services. Police say they are staying with relatives.

Hey Bobby, make sure you grab some extra coloring books to keep yourself entertained for the next few years while you’re living with your new foster parents in a foster house full of 25 other degenerate kids. Maybe your sense of pride in community service will keep you warm at night on the cot in the basement you share with 4 other people. I mean has anything ever been less worth it? Like congratulations you just got an A in DARE. Now watch as we haul your parents off to jail from the view out of the back of the social services van. Maybe in a year if you’re lucky we’ll let you go back to live with your parents where I’m sure your dad will immediately beat the fuck out you for wasting his weed. Snitches get stitches Bobby. Remember that.

See this is exactly why I hate kids and never want to have any. Because they are scumbags. Like bringing them into this world and ruining your life isn’t enough. Like never having money anymore isn’t enough. Like not being able to go on normal vacations or going out to dinner or fuck your wife anymore isn’t enough? Like not being able to sleep through the night isn’t enough? Like cleaning up their shit isn’t enough. Nope. Now they’re going to fucking rat you out to the cops. Let me ask you this. You think a dog would narc on your ass for smoking a little dope? No fucking way. A dog would swallow that shit before turning you over to the pigs. It’s all about loyalty and respect. Kids have none. That’s why I’m a dog guy.

Is This Brett Favre Cock Story Really National News?

I had to weigh in on the Deadspin/Brett Favre/Jen Sterger cock story that is once again dominating the news. First of all kudos to Deadspin. After all if you’re going to talk the talk you better produce the cock and he did. So congrats to Deadspin.

But licking Deadspin’s taint isn’t the point of this blog. Instead I’m amazed at what a big story this is. Front page news not only on smut blogs like Barstool, but ESPN, CNN, Boston.com etc are all covering it. Supposedly even the NFL is investigating these allegations. In other words people are treating this like real news. Like it’s Watergate or something. Umm what am I missing? Dude sent pictures of his cock to Jen Sterger. Who wouldn’t do that in Brett Favre’s situation? I mean I fucking despise Favre, but I ain’t holding this against him. Jenn Sterger has made her career being a football groupie. She probably has a library full of cock pictures on her cell phone. So this is just what you do to bitches like this. You sext them your junk and then try to fuck them. Seriously if the NFL is going to start investigating guys who sent unsolicited pictures of their cocks to chicks than 97% of the league will be suspended. It’s just how it goes. Because what’s that old expression? You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. Well same goes with sexting whores.

In fact the only remotely surprising part of this story for me is that we’re still supposed to believe Jen Sterger turned Favre down. I just can’t get over that. It seems preposterous. Or is it possible that Sterger is smarter than I give her credit for? Instead of just banging Favre she led him on, kept all the voicemails, kept the pictures of his cock and waited till she was ready to start her own website to “anonymously” leak them to deadspin. If that’s the case Bravo slut. Bravo.

PS – I don’t know why but my favorite part of this whole fiasco is listening to every news outlet dance around what actually happened when they talk about this. They just call it the Brett Favre story or issues or allegations. We’re all big boys here. Dude sent pictures of his genitalia to a whore. Say it. SAY IT!

Double PS – Did people catch that little tidbit during last night’s game when they said Jenn Sterger’s representatives were now discussing the best way to handle all this. IE – Cue the Oprah, Barbara Walters, Entertainment Tonight “I didn’t ask for this type of treatment, I was just trying to do my job sob story” Shut up slut! Your entire life is based on selling sex and tickling guys balls. You know it. I know it. Everybody knows it. So spare me the little miss innocent routine.

First Lady Won't Get Off My Ass About My Room

The First Lady has been in my asshole lately about cleaning my room and it’s really starting to piss me of. Like I admit it. My room is gross. But to quote Rocky in Rocky IV “it’s my life” Plus, it can’t be cleaned. It’s dead. It’s like when a hurricane hits a little Caribbean island. No point in rebuilding. You just got to move on. I know I have. I just sit in my chair like a scene from Apocalypse Now and crank out the blogs. So if it doesn’t bother me why should it bother her? It’s not like she goes in there. It’s not like she has to look at it. I just shut the door and go commando style. What happens in the blogging jungle is none of her business. Sometimes it makes me thing I need to find a mistress who gets me. Someone who will appreciate me for just bringing the funny and wanting to fuck. Is that too hard to find?

Why Is The First Round Of The MLB Playoffs Best Of 5?

To say that it makes no sense that the first round of the baseball playoffs are best of 5 instead of 7 would be one of the gross understatements of our generation. Seriously how is this possible? You play a 162 game season and then you play a best of 5? It makes no sense on any level. Is it because of the weather concerns in eastern cities? Like two extra days will make that big of a difference? It just doesn’t seem fair that you fight for so long to get in the playoffs and then you blink and it’s over. Series like SF vs. Atlanta and Tampa vs. Texas deserve to go 7. I mean what if the Sox vs. Yankees in 2004 was best of 5? The course of history would have been changed forever. Yeah I know teams from the same division can’t play in the first round, but still. All playoffs series in all sports should be Best of 7, but especially baseball. Anything else is just idiotic. Does anybody have any argument against this? It bothers the shit out of me.

Should Cheerleaders Be Allowed To Cheer With Knee Braces?

So I was watching South Carolina beat Alabama on Saturday and they showed this chick wearing a full blown knee brace on the sidelines. I guess I kind of respect her heart for being out there, but at some point you’re just hurting the team. Like I’m sorry honey, but knee braces just totally ruin the sexy vibe and defeats the whole purpose of being a cheerleader in the first place. I mean you might as well just be ugly at this point. Therefore I think the NCAA needs to institute some sort of rule to prevent shit like this in the future. If cheerleaders need to wear them then they shouldn’t be allowed to cheer on game day. It’s for everybody’s own protection.

Kneejerk Reactions to 4 Days In October

Anyway I just watched 4 Days in October like everybody else in New England and thought it was borderline perfect. The best 30 for 30 by a mile. So without further ado here are my reactions to it in no particular order.

1. I guess I’ll start with the only negative. The banter between Bill Simmons and Lenny Clarke was brutal.. Like we get it guys. You’re both from Boston. Well Simmons is from Greenwhich but whatever. The point is they brought absolutely nothing to the table. They just threw one cliche after another at each other and then played who can top this with awkward fake laughter. And for the love of the god would you take a fucking sip of your brew already? Seriously what is the point of making it seem like you’re shooting the shit over a coupled drinks at a bar if you’re not going to touch them?

2. I love Steven King.

3. Even though I know by heart everything Papi did in that series it’s still surreal when you watch the highlights in order like that. Like I found myself sitting there being like no way Papi can come through again even though I know he does. It was that amazing. Dude single handily won that series. He really did. Also kind of makes me feel bad when people want to bench him or trade him. He should have a roster spot for as long as he ever wants it. He earned that much.

4. My favorite guy on earth was the dude who was in the Yankees sweater and looked shocked with him jaw hitting the floor. Like whenever I’m having a bad day or feel sad I’m just going to look at this dude and instantly cheer up. Fuck you bro.

5. I want to bang that chick in the Yankee hat with the blonde hair.

6. I’ll tell you one thing that makes no sense. How Dave Roberts gets so much publicity for stealing 2nd base and nobody ever talks about Bill Mueller knocking him in. Kevin Millar kind of touched on it by saying Mueller doesn’t get enough credit for his AB, but even that is a slap in the face. Makes it sound like he moved the runner over or something. Dude had the game tying hit. I’m not quite sure why the stolen base is seen as the bigger play. It’s not.

7. This just reinforced why I’m such a Tito fan. Sure some of his in game decisions are sometimes questionable but what manager’s isn’t? Bottomline is he seems like a great dude and he played a huge role in keeping everybody together. Also loved his “watch my hair” line in the champagne celebration.

8. The only bad thing about watching this was it made me long for the days when everybody thought Arod was a curse. .People forget what a loser this guy is since he won a ring last year Sucks. Like if he never won a World Series that hamburger helper move would be the thing everybody remembers him for. Very sad.

9. I loved how Dan Shaughnessy only made a 4 second cameo in this and that was only when Millar called him out for writing that they were gutless. It’s refreshing to see a Red Sox documentary in which Shank isn’t selling books or pushing his own agenda. He got 4 seconds of airtime and that was only to make him look like an asshole. God bless.

10. I think I like Kevin Millar now. I’ve always held a grudge against him because of the way he treated Nomar. In case you forget he went on ESPN before the season started and said that he’d rather have Arod. Well I think it’s time to let bygones be bygones. He knows he was wrong and I can accept his apology. Bottom-line is he appeared to be the heart and soul of this team keeping everybody together after they were down 3-0.

11. How did the great Joe Torre not try one bunt against Curt Schilling?

12. Obviously the typical Yankees fan reaction to 4 Days in October is something along the lines of “who are you guys playing tomorrow, blah, blah, blah” Well guess what? It doesn’t bother me. Because Yankee fans will never have a moment like we did. They will never feel what we felt. They will never be as excited, exhilarated or jubilant as we were. It doesn’t matter how many more titles they win. Nothing can ever compare to the 2004 Sox. It’s the most memorable, most defining, most important, most historic series either of these teams have ever played in and we were on the winning side and there is nothing anybody can do to change it. All the suffering was worth it for that one year. It really was.

Milwaukee Has Their Very Own Super Hero And Naturally He Sucks

Journal Sentinel - He calls himself the Watchman. He won’t give his real name. His identity is obscured by a bright red mask that covers half his goateed face. He wears black boots, black pants, black leather gloves and a black trench coat, but there’s a large yellow circle on the chest of his black hooded sweatshirt, with a big W. “I’m what people refer to as a real-life superhero,” he says. “While most reactions to what I do are positive, there are a few negative responses,” he explains, adding that the disguise protects his family – a wife and two young sons – from any of that. “I’m the one who decided to do this, not them,” he says. “They should not have to suffer for it.” “Somebody needs to do something,” explains the Watchman, who contemplated becoming a police officer before donning his mask. “There’s something everybody can do to make the world a little bit better,” he says. So the 6-foot, 200-pound, 30-something crime fighter patrols Riverwest in costume, with a flashlight and pepper spray on hand – and a black Motorola cell phone as his weapon of choice. “It’s about reporting it,” he says. “Contacting police, or getting an ambulance out here if it’s a medical situation.” As for super powers? None, he says. “I’m just a guy. I may look a little funny, but I’m just a guy. And I’m out here to let everybody know that they can do their part.” He’s not the only guy. The Watchman belongs to the Great Lakes Heroes Guild. “We combine resources, work together and share information,” he says.

Welp, just like everything else in Milwaukee this super hero fuckin stinks. A flashlight and pepper spray? Why don’t you just get a Rape Whistle and wear bicycle reflectors and then Milwaukee will be the safest town in America! If I’m reading this correctly this dude just walks around town and calls the cops and shit? Thats not a super hero thats a fuckin tattle tale. A tattle tale with a shitty name.

You know what my name would be if I was a Super Hero? Neither do I because I never for one fuckin second thought about being a super hero. What do I look like, some sort of sucker? You want me to waste my time and put my neck on the line to help other people? FUCK NO. What the fuck do I get in return? Nothing. I had this argument once with my boy and he was like “Yea but look at Bruce Wayne he was always fucking chicks.” Yea he was fucking chicks because he owned Wayne Enterprises and was a billionaire. If you’re asking me would I like to be a billionaire playboy the answer is yes. But fuck all that caped crusader noise.

Just look at Superman. Superman is the poster child for why I wouldn’t want to be a super hero. Dude spends all his time flying around the earth to reverse time and stopping Lex Luthor from blowing up nukes and fighting those three bad guys who wear MC Hammer pants who get trapped in space inside those pieces of square glass, and he spends none of his time fucking Lois Lane. Like I wouldn’t last one day with a secret identity. After I save your ass from an elevator on the Eiffel Tower plummeting a hundred stories to your death you can bet your bottom fucking dollar I’m revealing that I’m Clark Kent and will be fully expecting a blow job at the Daily Planet tomorrow morning.

PS – Please don’t misunderstand my intentions here. While I personally would never want to be Superman and I’d prefer to be Bruce Wayne and fuck bitches, that does not mean I think Batman is the superior super hero. Superman is hands down, no questions asked the greatest super hero of all time. Anyone who says Batman and his belt of toys is better than the Man of Steel needs to kill themselves.

Dunbar’s A Porn Star Now?

TP – MTV’s Real World Sydney alum Dunbar Flinn and VH1’s Flavor of Love professional loogie hocker Pumpkin finally made their debut last week on Playboy’s Foursome–a sex-themed dating reality show that puts two girls and two guys together, and umm…you get the idea. But the show looked less like a foursome and more like a threesome after Pumpkin decided taking her top off and showing her tramp stamp was enough. For Dunbar, however, he received oral sex from castmate Vanessa when the group ventured to a Tantric sex workshop (led by super freak Miss Jaiya). He’s seen being pleasured side-by-side with another male contestant as Vanessa sits on some sort of “dildo chair.” Things get spiced up even more when she lets the guys take turns together on different ends of her body on the bed. Pumpkin is nowhere to be seen–even though this is the only occasion it would be appropriate for her to spit.

NSFW PICS

MORE NSFW PICS

I love how these pictures have the chick’s nipples blacked out meanwhile Dunbar’s massive erect dick is good to go apparently. Anyway I got to get my ass on the fucking Real World huh? Like is there a more savvy life and career move? I mean getting on the Real World is pretty much like winning the lottery. You get paid for just living your life for a few months. Then you get paid to party with huge appearance fees at clubs and spring breaks and shit. Then you get cast in Real World/Road Rules challenges for the rest of your life. Then you get cast in Playboy pornos getting your dick sucked by hot black chicks. It’s just a never ending cycle of getting paid for doing awesome shit. Like this dude was just some dumb hick in the army getting molested by his grandfather. Next thing you know he’s a TV star getting blowjobs from Ashli in the hot tub making $5K to show up at a wet t-shirt contest. Unreal.

PS- Did you know Puck still makes $500 a club appearance? Dude was on the 94 Real World. 1994. He’s been married for 12 years and has two kids and gets paid to go to parties.