Fenway Hawkers Are The Best In MLB?

Boston.com - Fenway hawkers such a vaunted reputation in the industry that a team from Boston recently traveled to Toronto to tutor their Canadian counterparts. “These guys are probably — and we could get some nonsense for this — some of the best hawkers in the country,’’ said Rich Roper, regional vice president of Fenway’s food provider, Aramark. “I can honestly say that, by the numbers.’’ Hawkers at Fenway, back at work today for a nine-game home stand, work straight commission. That means the more Push Pops they push, the more Cracker Jacks they promote, the bigger their take. The ones who make it do not get to start slinging hot dogs behind home plate on Opening Day. Hawkers work in a rigid caste system, in which seniority defines everything: what they sell, where they sell, how much money they make. The roughly 200 hawkers on Aramark’s roster know their seniority numbers as well as their own birthdays, from the guy hired in 1976 to Jake Glasser, a lanky 16-year-old from Newton who ranks 196th. Ninety minutes before first pitch, hawkers meet in the musty underbelly of the right field grandstands for an auction defined entirely by seniority. Hats flipped backwards, teenagers crowd a table, picking products and sections, hoping for hot dogs and home plate, but often ending up with cotton candy in the bleachers.

I respect the fuck out of Fenway vendors. I really do. I’ve never once in my life looked at them and thought to myself. “hmm that seems like a cool job”. Nope. I’ve always looked at them and said thank god that’s not me because that job looks like it sucks. They are always sweating their asses off. They are always hustling all over the place. So this article didn’t need to convince me it wasn’t all fun and games being a hawker. Only a moron would think that. But at the same time I’m still not sure what makes Fenway venders so special? Because they figured out that you want to sell water when it’s humid out? Or that you need to yell the name of the product you’re selling? That’s why the flew to Toronto? To teach people that? Again I respect the hell out of them, but I guess I just don’t see what the difference is between the Fenway venders and every other vender in the world.

I Think I Just Found My Intern

ESPN – Burress, who is in a New York state prison until June 2011 on felony weapons possession charges, applied for work release last month and is expected to get a ruling from state authorities by the beginning of the NFL season on Sept. 9. The league — which had previously stated that Burress’ suspension would end upon completion of his sentence — said that if he is granted a work release, his suspension would be lifted. However, because of the terms of the work-release program, which usually calls for a prisoner to work Monday through Friday but return to prison on the weekends, the chances of him being able to play football anytime soon are remote. It is possible, but not likely, that the department of corrections would grant special privileges.

I mean am I just a fucking genius or is this almost too perfect? Plax can’t work weekends and he can’t leave the state. And it just so happens that at Barstool HQ, not working weekends and not leaving your apartment are two of the main requirements for the job. Just a few short weeks of posting links of college girls lighting farts or D-List celebrity sex tapes, and people will forget about the whole shooting-yourself-in-the-leg thing in no time. Its fucking brilliant really. Plax begins his road to redemption and Barstool HQ adds a marquee free agent. And your boy can start drinking promptly at 5:00 instead of waiting to see if the mystery intern posted the links or not. Its a win-win situation for everyone if I’ve ever seen one.

P.S. I’d give Plax 3 days on the job before he holds out for a long-term contract and more guaranteed money because the guaranteed money right now is $0

Rudy Giuliani’s Daughter Arrested For Shoplifting

Examiner – Rudy Giuliani and Donna Hanover’s daughter Caroline Giuliani arrested for shoplifting Former New York Mayer Rudy Giuliani’s daughter Caroline Giuliani was arrested for shoplifting on Wednesday. Caroline Giuliani was arrested for taking $100 worth of cosmetics from Sephora in Manhattan. The 20 year old Harvard senior was caught on tape stuffing her pockets full of products. Caroline Giuliani is the youngest of Rudy Giuliani and Donna Hanover’s two children. She is rumored to be estranged from her famous political father. Why would Rudy Giuliani and Donna Hanover’s daughter Caroline Giuliani shoplift? With Caroline Giuliani’s famous father, why would she feel the need to steal? “When your parents are high profile, and when your family doesn’t have much of a private life, you might feel cheated,” April Benson, PhD, a New York City psychologist told CBS News. “Sometimes they feel that they’ve been cheated out of life and that they are owed.” Benson claims that in families with high profile parents it’s common for the family to pretend everything is okay. When they don’t talk about their feelings or emotions they child may begin to act out in other ways, like stealing.

Save all your PhD mumbo jumbo for the next sucker, April Benson. Caroline Giuliani is stealing shit because shes a broad, and thats what broads do. They steal. I don’t know maybe it has something to do with the fallopian tubes or something. But you can be rich, poor, famous, anonymous, whatever. When you’re a young chick you steal. Case closed.

A tip of the cap to Caroline for stealing makeup though. At least she knows what she needs. Should probably try to steal some plastic surgery while you’re at it.

The Birdman of Greenwich Village

Video

I’ve seen just about everything there is to see on the internet. From 2 Girls 1 Cup to animal porn to crazy injuries to people getting beheaded and hit by trains. And I can easily say this is the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen in my entire life.

Not since the Bird Lady in Home Alone 2 have I seen something as sickening. When that Bird Lady slowly appears from behind the rock when Kevin McCallister’s ankle is stuck between the rocks in Central Park and she’s fuckin covered head to toe with those winged spawns of Satan I can’t even look at the screen. I cover my eyes like a child. But at least that shit is just a movie and that broad is an actress and getting paid to allow pigeons to sit on top of her head and what not.

But this guy. This fucking guy. This Birdman. Dude is just getting flapped in the face by pigeon wings non stop. He’s got flying vermin nestled up against his neck. He’s been getting covered with bird shit and pigeon plague for nine fucking years. He’s got pigeon feathers in his mouth. Do you realize how disgusting this is?

If I could punch one person in the face, it would be him. Like Congratufuckinlations, pal. You’re covered in pigeons. You want a cookie? You want a medal? You think because you’re some sort of social misfit with horribly low standards for human cleanliness and hygiene that you deserve something? Way to contribute to society asshole. Probably busy collecting welfare checks dipping pigeon feathers in bird shit for breakfast while the rest of us prop up the economy.

PS – “Go ahead, Crotch” is the worst comeback of all time

American Idol Hopeful Pays Mentally Retarded Girl $13 For Sex

Philly - Authorities say a Pennsylvania man paid a woman with learning difficulties for sex while he was in New Jersey auditioning for “American Idol.” Joshua Heintzelman of Halifax, Pa., is charged with aggravated sexual assault. Police say the 21-year-old was staying at a motel in Clifton when he offered the 19-year-old $13 in exchange for sex. The woman is from Washington, D.C., and was in the area Tuesday to support a family member who also was auditioning at the nearby Izod Center. Police say the woman’s mother became suspicious when her daughter, who never has money, bought a sweater. The woman’s family says she has the mental capabilities of a third-grader. Heintzelman is held on $200,000 bail. It’s not clear whether he has obtained a lawyer.

Well I don’t know about the rest of America, Josh, but you’re certainly my idol! I kid, I kid. I just wanted to make a joke using the word idol there. Seriously how could this guy be anyone’s idol? He paid to have sex with a retard. Notice I put the emphasis on the paid there and not the retard. If you can’t have sex with a retard for free then you have zero fucking game. Mental capabilities of a third grader for God’s sake. Third graders are fuckin idiots. You should definitely be able to dupe someone reading at a third grade level into sex. And if you can’t save your $13 and go read a book. You got a lot of work to do.

And spare me the dog and pony show about me going to hell for this one. Just because you’re mentally handicapped doesn’t mean you don’t deserve some loving too. This girl got laid and ended up with a nice wool sweater at the end of the day. That sounds like a steal in my book.

Frat Bro Finds Pictures Of Himself Getting His Dick Sucked On Other Frat Bro’s Computer

DES MOINES, Iowa – Des Moines police are investing a report of a sexual assault at a Drake University fraternity. Police said the case centers around pictures and video that a male victim said he found of himself being sexually abused. The victim said he found the images on his fraternity brother’s computer. Anthony Bertolone, 21, is charged with third-degree felony sex abuse. Bertolone is a member of the Sigma Chi fraternity at Drake University. The victim told police that he copied images to a memory card from Bertolone’s computer and then he called police. The victim told police the images are of Bertolone performing sex acts on him while he was passed out. The victim told police he has never been in a sexual relationship with Bertolone and that he didn’t consent to the acts. The victim also told police that he did not remember any of what was depicted in the photographs and videos.

College bro. Man I am fucking going to miss college. See this is what the old school people like the cops will never understand. Shit like this happens all the time in college. Sometimes you wake up next to a fat chick. Sometimes you puke hungover during a final. And sometimes you pass out drunk and a frat brother sucks your cock on camera and saves it on his computer to watch later. Just so fucking frat. I mean this kid DEFINITELY had his shoes on too. Had to. You don’t get your dick sucked by a dude blacked out if you don’t got your shoes on. Sure at 'Cuse, we stick with Sharpie dicks to the face but if at other univerisities kids are getting more progressive and going with real dicks to the asshole then who am I to judge.

Dude Calls 911 For Ride To Liquor Store (With Great Drunk Audio)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o8UGwe2nrv8

ST. AUGUSTINE, Fla. — A St. Johns County man was arrested after police said he called 911 to ask for a ride to the liquor store. Police said 57-year-old George McMurrain had already called 911 twice Saturday night when he called to ask for a ride to buy alcohol. That’s when an officer went to the Budget Inn on Anastasia Boulevard to arrest McMurrain.

Dispatcher: This is 911.
Suspect: I need a, I need a — a ride.
Dispatcher: You need a ride?
Suspect: Yes, to the liquor store.
Dispatcher: Um.
Suspect: Sheriff said she’d give me a ride.
Dispatcher: OK, you’re going to have to call somebody else, sir. You called 911. We can’t come give you a ride.
Suspect: Even the sheriff said she’d give me a ride.
Dispatcher: The sheriff said they’d give you a ride to the liquor store?
Suspect: That’s correct.
Dispatcher: Wrong.
McMurrain is charged with misusing 911.

This is the huge problem I have with the legal system and police in general. You don’t want me to drive drunk? OK don’t charge me 20 bucks for a cab. Don’t want me to drive drunk? OK come pick me up and take me to the fucking liquor store when I ask you to. I mean they really charged this guy? For what? Being too responsible? He was drunk. He wanted more liquor. He called probably the most responsible people on the planet for a ride. I mean the Sheriff herself said she’d do it. Just hypocrisy at its worst.

Woman Stabbed Her Boyfriend Because She Was Unhappy With His Dance Moves

SHEBOYGAN - A 27-year-old Sheboygan woman was charged today with stabbing her boyfriend during an argument that began with her objecting to his dancing, a criminal complaint said. Officers arrived at the home Weber shares with the 28-year-old boyfriend about 5 p.m. Monday and found the boyfriend walking out holding a piece of toilet paper or napkin to a wound on his left shoulder. He initially claimed he had fallen on a rock in the backyard, but later acknowledged Weber stabbed him. A man who was with the couple said Weber got upset when the boyfriend was dancing and enjoying the music, and she slapped him in the face several times and told him to knock it off. Weber — making good on a threat made during the argument — retrieved a steak knife from the kitchen, approached her boyfriend from behind and stabbed him. Soon after, Weber kicked another woman in the buttocks.

Yo make no mistake about it – when its 5pm in Sheboygan and your girlfriend is stabbing you at the party – you are fucking murdering it on the dance floor. I can’t even imagine the moves this guy must have been pulling out. Probably just Electric Sliding all over the joint with those glow in the dark hoops around his head. Starting up conga lines with maracas and sombreros making bitches swoon. Just grinding the Denim Dick into every chick at the party. I wonder what was the deal breaker. Like at what point do you cross over from friendly dancing to “I’m gonna stab this motherfucker and kick this other bitch in the ass” territory. All I know is I guarantee “Too Close” by Next was on when this shit went down.

FUCK The New York Knicks

ESPN - Isiah Thomas is back in the New York Knicks organization as a consultant, two years after he was fired as coach and team president. The Knicks announced Thomas’ role Friday, saying he would “assist the team’s senior management in various capacities, including player recruitment.” He assisted the team in that area during free agency, when the Knicks landed Amare Stoudemire. He also was sent to Ohio to talk to representatives from LeBron James, who eventually signed with Miami. Team president Donnie Walsh thanked Thomas during the press conference for Stoudemire, sparking reports that Thomas would return to the organization, perhaps even as general manager. Thomas had a dismal run as team president from December 2003-April 2008, with the Knicks missing the playoffs every year despite often having the league’s highest payroll. He was also the coach the final two seasons, getting dismissed after a 23-59 season in 2007-08. Despite losing hundreds of games and a sexual harassment lawsuit brought by a former team employee that cost the organization $11.6 million, Thomas has remained close to Madison Square Garden chairman James Dolan and Walsh even while coaching Florida International University, a job he will keep. “I’m excited to once again be a part of the New York Knicks organization,” Thomas said in a statement. “I was honored to have been asked to help during the recent free agent recruiting process, and believe that this new role takes full advantage of my skill set as an evaluator of basketball talent.”

Holy Santa Claus Shit are you fucking kidding me? This is like the pilots of the Enola Gay hitting up Tokyo for a vacation right after dropping the nukes. Because make no mistake, Isiah Thomas ANNIHILATED the Knicks in his time here. Complete and utter destruction. I’m talking melted faces. Mushroom clouds. Birth defects. Just years and years of recovery and long-term damage. So what the fuck are the Knicks thinking?

Yeah Isiah won’t be GM in this position, but actually hiring him back as ANYTHING is fucking retarded. He literally ruined the team. Cost his boss almost $12 mill for a sexual harassment suit. And every single Knicks fan (whoever is left at this point) absolutely hates him. I would’ve been happier if the Knicks signed Hitler or Bin Laden to run the point than to even have Isiah cleaning the bathrooms in Penn Station. And if you’ve ever had to take a shit at Penn Station, you know its a fucking disaster in there. Just piss and dried up cum and crack crumbs all over the place.

The rumors actually started a few weeks ago that the Knicks were considering re-hiring Isiah as GM. This is what I wrote at the time:

Look I’m all for second chances and getting back on the horse and into the saddle and stuff, but Isiah Thomas didn’t just fall off the horse. He roofied the horse, dragged it by its mane down a flight of stairs, and then raped the shit out of it 82 times a year for 4 and a half years. And yo its a metaphor so relax, but push comes to shove I’d rather spend the rest of my life watching unconscious horses get raped over and over and over again than one more minute of my life watching Isiah Thomas in charge of the Knicks.

So I guess bring on the horse raping. Actually scratch that. At this point Donnie Walsh and James Dolan are the ones who deserve to be raped by horses. Preferably by some fucking freak of nature, roided-up thoroughbreds using only Dolan’s tears as lube. I’m talking a whole fucking herd of wild stallions just running a train on these 2 stupid fucks. Because like I said before, if the Knicks re-hired Isiah I would never be a Knicks fan ever again. That would be my limit. Well he’s not the GM, but for some reason that is beyond any logical reason I can come up with, he’s back. So like I said then, FUCK Donnie Walsh. FUCK James Dolan. And FUCK the New York Knicks.

I’m officially an NBA-fan free agent.

Dude Shits His Pants After Drinking 4 Cranberry-Vodka's

Spring Hill, Florida – Hernando County Sheriff’s deputies responded to a crash at the intersection of Northcliffe Boulevard and Deltona Boulevard early Monday morning. But a crash, an injured driver and an alleged drunk driver weren’t all they had to deal with. According to an arrest report, the at-fault driver defecated in his pants during the DUI investigation. Brian Matthew Collins, 35, had a “very strong odor of an alcoholic beverage emitting from his breath, slurred speech and bloodshot watery eyes,” when the deputy approached his car, according to the arrest report. Collins told deputies he’d had four vodka and cranberry drinks at the Mermaid Lounge. He agreed to cooperate in a DUI investigation and during said exercises, “I did observe that Brian did defecate his pants,” the arrest report read.

4 cranberries and vodkas? Haha! What a fucking pussy this guy is! Bro I get about 12 Cape Codders deep before I start shitting my pants at the bar. Fucking lightweight. Guys who think they’re so badass because they can chug 5 gallons of Guiness and 38 shots of whiskey in 4 seconds. Big deal. You think that’s badass? Try slamming 6 Apple Martinis with a Cosmo chaser at the Ritz homie. That shit will put some hair on your chest and make you dump your pants like you read about.

Girl Has Mouth Eyes!

http://vimeo.com/3027625

She probably gives some KILLER eye head.

Get Me This TV Hat!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9SJsk1L2RUg


Oh my god! I can’t be the only one that fucking shot my load when they said TV hat was only 19.95 right? I was thinking this bitch had to be at least 700 bucks or something. Nope! A fucking 20 spot! Like for the price of a shirt you can own a TV hat! Even I know I when I’m beat. My only question is can you actually watch TV with it? Like how was that dude watching the game? I’m not an Ipod guy but you can’t get ESPN on your Ipod can you? Or can you? Either way I guarantee you I’ll have a TV hat within two weeks just rocking the shit out it at weddings and and family gatherings and shit.

17 Year Old Nerd Calls The Cops When Smokeshow High School Teacher Dumps Him

CHRISTIANSBURG, Va — Josh Ferrier still doesn’t know why a 34 year old high school teacher would chose to strike up a sexual affair with him, a 17 year old student. But Ferrier says that’s what happened. Now 19, a Roanoke College sophomore, Ferrier went to police in mid-July outlining a relationship with English teach Diana Canter. The former student government president and salutatorian says it lasted most of his senior year at Christiansburg High…until she broke it off last August. Canter was arrested July 20. She has resigned. “We were careful, Ferrier says. “It’s not like we were walking down the halls holding hands.” Nevertheless, he says the two of them were called into the principal’s office, quizzed about a high volume of contact, text messages and phone calls. Ferrier says no one asked for details. “Basically, they said be careful,” he says. The sexual aspect of the relations lasted several months, he says. He admits “no one held a gun” to my head. But he says he considers himself a victim of a sex crime.

I want to beat this kid up so fucking bad I can taste it. He considers himself the victim of a sex crime? After voluntarily dating a smokeshow teacher for 9 months and getting dumped? I mean look at this fucking guy!

No fucking shit Josh Ferrier doesn’t know why a smoking hot 34 year old teacher would strike up a sexual affair with him! Fucking look at him again!

Just completely baffling. Like you’re telling me this sexy little slut couldn’t find one jock to bang her out in the computer lab? Couldn’t get the backup QB to spare some dick? She had to settle for the Math Club president reigning Future Problem Solving champion with emotional attachment issues? I agree with him on one point though. I’d want to commit suicide too if I got dumped by the hottest piece of ass I could ever get to look at me without asking for computer help. Like this fucking nerd couldn’t even create a virtual robot Avatar half as hot as Miss Canter to trade Magic cards with. Might as well start tying the noose now bro unless of course that top button on the polo shirt doesn’t strangle you first.

Lawrence Fishburne Must Be So Proud…

TMZ – Montana Fishburne, who is going by the porn name Chippy D, tells TMZ, “[My dad] is very upset. I heard that he’s mad at me but I haven’t spoken to him yet. I feel pretty confident that I can work things out with him. I think he wants to support me in everything I do, and though he sees this now as a negative, I believe in time he will view it as a positive.”

This is precisely why I’m not having daughters. Seriously if the First Lady even thinks of popping out girls I’ll fucking divorce her ass. Like the last thing I need is people squawking about how fat I am and how they just watched my daughter get fucked in the ass in ”Cuse Anal Fiesta 4″. No thanks. I got enough problems in my life without that shit. Like how does Lawrence Fishburne even wake up in the morning knowing that everybody he works with or talks to has watched his daughter get torn to pieces? There is just no amount of fame and fortune that is worth that type of aggravation. And the crazy thing is that it doesn’t matter how good of a parent you are either. Some chicks just go rouge and I’m almost postitive it would happen to me because karma is a bitch like that.

PS – Got to love the optimism on this chicks. “I believe in time he will view it as a positive”. Keep living the dream honey.

Brooklyn Teacher Throws Herself Down The Stairs To Avoid Getting A Bad Review At Work

NY Post – An untenured Brooklyn high-school teacher catapulted herself down a school stairwell in a wacky attempt to avoid a classroom observation by her supervisor, a probe obtained by The Post shows. Staffers at the HS for Innovation in Advertising and Media told investigators that first-year teacher Ilene Feldman was so petrified about a scheduled classroom observation — coming in the wake of a poor performance review — that she staged a clumsy pratfall in a stairwell rather than risk getting a second negative rating. A review of the footage showed the 33-year-old novice teacher pausing on the fifth step of a narrow staircase and bending over to rummage through her handbag. She then glances toward the door as if listening for someone to approach. “Feldman, who then appeared to hear someone coming, grabbed her handbag with her right hand, held the railing with her left hand, and slowly fell to the 2nd floor landing,” the report said. Despite bracing her fall with her arm, Feldman lands on her back with her arms extended up and out. She reaches for her leg and makes “sounds as if she were in extreme pain” just as a concerned staffer enters the frame.

I’m so on the same page with this chick it brings a fucking tear to my eye. I used to do fucking anything to get out of shit I didn’t want to deal with. Still do. Just the other day I emailed my boss and told him I fell down a flight of stairs and broke both my hands so I couldn’t type for a couple weeks. He was like “well then how did you write this email?” Fuckin A, back to the drawing board on that one. In a previous life as a Cubicle Monkey I went as far as looking up all the details on short term disability because I had myself like 95% ready to try to jump in front of a taxi as it stopped for a red light so I didn’t have to sit in my cage for 6 weeks. When I was like 9 years old I jumped out of my tree house to try and hurt my ankle so I didn’t have to go to baseball practice because my coach was a dickhead. I’d pull the trigger on Monday mornings when my mother was walking by the bathroom just to get out of a day of school.

The reality of the matter is, if you choose to intentionally inflict pain on yourself in order to avoid the consequences of the shitty job you’ve done in your professional/personal life, you need to go all out. You either throw yourself down a flight of stairs, or you don’t. None of this “controlled falling” shit from the 3rd to last step. You get liquored up and you throw yourself from the top of the 10th step and you cross your fingers you don’t actually fuck your shit up too bad. And when you reach the bottom you start screaming about how you don’t have feeling in your extremities and blame the Board of Ed for being sexist and racist. Make sure in the weeks to come you talk about how you’re unable to conceive children from your traumatic experience and you sue the school district, the construction company and the witness who came around the corner for not coming to your aid. Nobody is gonna give a shit that you “need improvement with classroom skills” or some shit when you roll into school in a Christopher Reeves robot chair with Jesse Jackson to your right blaming the white man for constructing a shoddy staircase.

Hooker/Author Says Men Should Be Able To F Whoever They Want And Women Should Let Them Do It

Article and Video Thingy

This whore knows what the F she’s talking about! Finally a broad who gets it!

“Men are pre programmed to get their rocks off. Men need to get their rocks off…so a women who crosses her legs and doesn’t organize some kind of alternative for the person she loves, is being cruel and its not a very nice thing to do to someone you love”

Amen sister! That right there is like the Gettysburg Address of frustrated dicks.

“Negotiating Infidelity” is the best idea since the Internet. And I’m not even slightly exaggerating. Ladies just picture this shit: Its Saturday night. Your husband is out getting smashed. Tomorrow is like your mother’s birthday or some shit and you’ve got brunch at 11am. Now you told him to just have a couple drinks and come home early so he wouldn’t be hungover Sunday morning. Under normal circumstances you know what happens? He says “alright fellas I gotta roll. I got brunch with the in laws tomorrow early.” His friends proceed to make jokes involving the words “tampon” and “vagina.” They ask him if there is some sort of iPhone app to help him find his balls, and your husband defends his manhood by taking about 6 extra shots of Jameson and ends up blacking out. Who knows if he even makes it home. Now, lets flip the script and go to the world of Negotiating Infidelity this prostitute is proposing. 9pm rolls around and he says alright fellas, I gotta go home I got brunch with the in laws tomorrow. And when all his boys start making fun of him, the moment he’d ordinarily break, he says “yea I know its gay but she let the babysitter suck my dick on Wednesday so I gotta go.” Bingo Bango. He’s bright eyed and bushy tailed ready to shmooze with your mother on the Sabbath. You’re a happy lady because he’s finally making an effort with his in laws. And the babysitter is sitting at home counting her tips realizing that she needs a fucking raise. That, my friends, is the give and take of love that you only read about in Nicholas Sparks books.

Naked Man In Richmond Beat Up Outside The Bar

RICHMOND - A naked man being attacked outside a Richmond bar, and it’s caught on tape. The video shows the naked man being assaulted in front of many witnesses. The woman, Cari Werz, says she decided to shoot video of the incident the minute she saw three large men approach the naked man thinking it was going to get ugly. “Two guys punched him…and then now three of them are kicking him, and he’s laying helpless on the ground. Not trying to attack back, just trying to cover his face”, she says. It happened around 2 a.m. Sunday. The bars had just let out. 200 to 300 people were outside on the corner of Robinson and Main in Richmond’s fan district, and a naked man, in his 20’s, intoxicated, in the middle of the street. “He was stumbling around not trying to fight anyone. He wasn’t acting violent”, she says. The naked man approaches an SUV full of men, and a few seconds later, “three of the men jumped out. One of them punched the guy on the side of the face. He helplessly fell to the ground. Covered his face to protect himself, and the men continued to kick him from the front and from the back”, says Werz. “[The naked man] was in no danger of hurting anyone, he was barely able to stand on his own”, says Coon.

Can we talk about the 800 pound gorilla in the room? Or in this case the 175 pound naked man in the room. Why the fuck is this dude naked??? I mean gimme somethin. Anything. Just make something up if you’ve got to. I mean I don’t care how shitfaced I am when I go anywhere I always do a phone/wallet/keys check. All this guy does is check to make sure he’s got his nutes and he’s good to go. Forget about clothes. Shoes. Money. Nothing. In a way I’m tremendously jealous of this dude’s freedom. I bet you he doesn’t give a fuck about anything.

My favorite part is when he tries to roll into the bar like it ain’t no thang but a chicken wing and the bouncer just gives him the Mutombo. Reminds me of the time I was down near West 4th Street and I tried to walk into the bar and the bouncer stopped me and asked “Have you been drinking?” I was like “Uhh, fuck yea dude its Saturday at like 2 am. Course I’ve been drinking” Dude just gave me the Heisman stiff arm like this guy in the video did and pushed me away from the door. It was exactly the same exact my dick and balls weren’t flopping around.

PS – This has got to be the first time in modern history the Naked Man outside the bar is the sympathetic figure.