Xavier Chick Proves Why Women Shouldn’t Play Hoops

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ienobaWDOjM

This has to be the biggest choke job in the history of sports, right? We’re talking tie game with the Final Four on the line and you miss not one, but two wide open and I mean wide open layups. It doesn’t get worse that that. This is the exact reason why chicks should stay in the kitchen and off the hardwood.

Autistic Kid Has “Perfect Bracket” So He Says

NBCChicago – An autistic teenager from the Chicago area has done something almost impossible. Nearly 48 games into an upset-filled NCAA tournament, 17-year-old Alex Herrmann is perfect. “It’s amazing,” he says. Truly. The odds of anybody of anybody doing that? One in 13,460,000, according to BookofOdds.com. It’s easier to win the lottery. Twice. “I’m good at math,” Alex, a Glenbrook South High School student, said. “I’m kind of good at math and at stats I see on TV during the game.” Alex entered the bracket on CBSsports.com’s bracket challenge. CBS did not return several phone calls to confirm entries into its game. Alex doesn’t get anything for perfection. He entered one of three bracket games offered by CBS — the only one without a prize attached.

Let’s not all rush to suck this autistic kid’s dick quite yet. I mean I find it pretty weird that CBS Sportsline wouldn’t verify his bracket. Hey just because he’s autistic doesn’t mean he’s honest. But let’s say he’s telling the truth. There is still lots of basketball left to be played. Plus anybody can win when they are playing for free. Put some fucking money down on it Rainman and then get back to me. Math. Pfft. Trust me bro if all you needed to do was a little fucking geometry and watch lots of hoop I’d be fucking rich man by now. Bottomline is filling out brackets in magical pools with no prizes and no entry fee doesn’t even count as real picks in my book.

PS – You know what kind of bracket pools have no prizes? The kind you can change as you go. Just sayin….

Chick Can ONLY Have Sex Outside

Newsoftheworld – SEX in the open air sounds like every lover’s fantasy – but for Danielle Vincely’s fellas it’s a nightmare. For thanks to a bizarre sexual phobia that’s the ONLY place she can do it. “Guys love it at first,” admitted 24-year-old Danielle. “They think it’s kinky making love under the stars in the woods, on beaches, park benches and car bonnets. “But after a while they get annoyed, especially if it’s raining, and dump me. Men like a quick romp inside on the bed but I just can’t bring myself to do it. “It’s not like I haven’t tried. I just can’t do it indoors without freaking out. I feel like I’m being choked and about to pass out. “But sex on the forest floor with the sweet smell of pine cones is a real buzz. “Up against a tree is good too – but I’ve scratched my back on the bark a few times!” “I know people think I’m weird but I’ve given up caring. “Some people are scared of spiders, others of heights – well, this is my phobia and I’m learning to deal with it the best I can.”

First of all, I don’t care whether this chick has sex indoors or outdoors. I don’t care whether she fucks animals or humans. I don’t care whether she has 9 boobs. The first thing she needs to do is clean up that hair cut. Seriously get a grip honey. Now having said that the major question that needs to be answered here is whether Danielle is willing to have sex whenever you want as long as it’s outside? Like could you just be walking down the street and be like “hey let’s fuck” and she’ll fuck? Because if that’s true then what type of asshole would dump her? Indoor sex is overrated anyway. Give me the chick who only has freak outside sex over a normal chick anyday of the week and twice on Sunday. But if she’s picky about where she has outdoor sex then that’s a little bit much. I mean I can live with no sex indoors, but that means you got to fuck on command when we’re outside. It’s got to be a give and take. That’s the deal.

3rd Grader Compiles The Most Complete List of Bitches Every Created

IAmnotlying – My friend’s cousin is a teacher at a charter school in Washington, D.C. She found this on the floor of a 3rd grade classroom and recognized it for the gold mine that it is — scanned it into a fax-to-PDF scanner immediately. You’ll notice that according to this taxonomy, there are 90 types of bitches. However, there’s a page missing, so we are left to guess what bitch types 44-58 are. If you have any ideas, please do leave them in the comments. And it was found in a 3rd grade classroom! Either the child who left this behind borrowed this from a much more sophisticated older sibling/cousin, or kids in inner-city D.C. grow up even faster than I thought. Or both. Anyway, here’s the list.

I got to admit that before I really went through and studied it I was getting ready to rip this girl apart for not having the most obvious type of bitch on there which is obviously a stanky bitch. But then I read it and boom there it was. “#60 Stanky fishy coochie smelling bitches’”. After that I was sold. Like this is the most complete list of bitches ever made in the history of civilization. I’d love to meet this chick. I may even offer her a job as an intern. Yeah I know I said interns had to be 21 but I think I may make an exception here. I just feel like it would be a feather in my cap to have the author of Bitch Index working for me.

PS – I hate Big Eyed bitches and Ain’t Got No Ass bitches. Those are the worst.

Has The Kansas Scrub That Wouldn’t Stop Crying Left The Court Yet?

Umm what was up with that dude bawling at the end of the Kansas game? Yeah I get it. Kansas lost. Huge upset, blah, blah, blah. But this isn’t Sharron Collins we’re talking about. I mean I had to do half an hour of research just to figure out who this guy was. Turns out his name is Mario Little and he hasn’t played a second all season. Literally. He somehow got redshirted this year as a senior and it had nothing to do with injury. Just because he sucks. I’ve never even heard of that before. Get a grip bro! Like if you’re going to cry for 30 minutes after the game you better be on the stat sheet at least once the entire season.

Hilton Head Man Struck Dead By Falling Plane While Jogging

HILTON HEAD ISLAND, S.C. – Robert Gary Jones was a pharmaceutical salesman on a business trip, looking forward to getting home to celebrate his daughter’s third birthday. He was enjoying a moment to himself on this resort island, jogging on the beach and listening to his iPod. Officials say the Woodstock, Ga., man neither saw nor heard what struck him from behind Monday evening: A single-engine plane making an emergency landing. The Lancair IV-P aircraft, which can be built from a kit, had lost its propeller and was “basically gliding” as it hit and instantly killed Jones, said Ed Allen, the coroner for Beaufort County on the South Carolina coast.

This is why I don’t go jogging. Lets see, I could either A) sit on my couch and watch 196 hours of college basketball without the threat of an aircraft ending my life, or B) I could go jogging and risk an experimental single engine plane fuckin murdering me. Bubble in (A) on the Scantron, folks.

Hottest School Librarian To Ever Fuck Her Student

LIVE OAK, CA – A Live Oak school district librarian and health aide faces child molestation charges after an alleged sexual act with an underage student. Sharon Janelle Souza of Live Oak was arraigned Tuesday in Sutter County Superior Court on a felony charge of lewd acts on a child and misdemeanor child molestation. Souza, 43, was arrested Monday in connection with the alleged acts that happened last December, Sutter County Sheriff’s spokeswoman Brenda Baker. Baker said Sutter County investigators were looking into whether there were other victims in the case.

Hell yeah! That’s what the fuck I’m talking about! What do you mean they’re looking for “other victims”? Nailing this chick makes you a victim? Victimize me! Victimize me! I mean why am I always reading these stories about hot ass librarians and teacher aide’s and lunch lady’s fucking their students and like blowing them in the parking lot? Shit is depressing. My librarian looked like a combination of the fat bitch from Precious and Kathy Bates from Misery. Yeah it was weird but it was also flat out disgusting. Bottomline is you give me a librarian and like this and it won’t be long until I’m texting her "I want to be deep inside you. Have you ever had a golden shower done to you :)"

Gus Johnson Soundboard

I feel like I just got back from war. Here is something to pass your Saturday though. The Gus Johnson soundboard. Shit rules.

Dude Just Pissing On Chicks At The Jersey City Bus Stop

MYFOXNY.COM – Police in Jersey City have arrested an ex-con they say has been urinating on women at a bus stop in Journal Square, a source said Wednesday. Nitinkumar Patel, 27, has urinated on at least seven women in the last three months, a law enforcement source said. He was caught Wednesday morning while urinating on a 16-year-old girl at the bus stop, a law enforcement source said. Two victims have identified Patel, the source said.

Wahhh. I got pissed on at the bus stop. Wahhhh. Bro, do you know what I just had to sit next to on bench outside of old Las Vegas? Dude smelled like he drank a liter of shit then bathed in shit then used shit cologne. Then shit in his pants just to keep it fresh. Here I am trying to rush home in time to get bets in before tip off and I’m crammed in next to the fucking shit monster. So yeah I’m pretty sure I just got shit on during public transit. And you know what? Didn’t even flinch. Just so par for the course that I barely noticed. Don’t see me crying about it or calling the cops. Just change clothes take a shower and it’s hoops time. So basically what I’m saying is no I don’t feel bad for this bitch that got pissed on. It’s the Jersey City bus stop bro. Act like you been there before.

Joslyn James Releases Tiger Woods Sexts And They Are Making Me Blush

NY Post -
Tiger:Sent: 03:43 PM 08/29/2009: Ok. I would like to have a threesome with you and another girl you trust
Tiger:Sent: 04:06 PM 08/28/2009: I want to be deep inside you
Tiger:Sent: 04″02 PM 08/29/2009: I want to treat you rough. Throw you around, spank and slap you
Tiger:Sent: 04:07 PM 08/29/2009: You are my fucking whore
Tiger:Sent: 04:08 PM 08/29/2009: Hold you down while i choke you …
Tiger:Sent: 04:10 PM 08/29/2009: Then im going to tell you to shut the Fuck up while i slap your face and pull your hair for making noise
Tiger:Sent: 04:21 PM 08/29/2009: Where do you want to be bitten
Tiger:Sent: 04:24 PM 08/29/2009: Ok. Now your talking. Whatever i want. You are mine
Tiger:Sent: 04:39 PM 08/29/2009: Whatever else turns you on
Tiger:Sent: 04:43 PM 08/29/2009: You tell me what you like
Tiger:Sent: 04:53 PM 08/29/2009: I know you have tried every positing imaginable but what turns you on besides a dp
Tiger:Sent: 5:00 PM 08/29/2009: I really do want to be rough with you. Slap you around
Tiger:Sent: 05:12 PM 08/29/2009: For years. And punish you for not seeing me more
Tiger:Sent: 05:15 PM 08/29/2009: I want you to beg for my cock. Kiss you all over to convince me to let you have it in your mouth
Tiger:Sent: 05:18 PM 08/29/2009: We will see how bad you want me
Tiger:Sent: 05:26 PM 08/29/2009: Next time i see you, you better beg and if you don’t do it right i will slap, spank, bite and fuck you till mercy
Tiger:Sent: 10:23 AM 09/08/2009: So when can i have that ass again
Tiger:Sent: 12:42 PM 09/08/2009: How about a quickie before i go:)
Tiger:Sent: 01:28 PM 09/08/2009: Have you ever had a golden shower done to you
- Slap your face. Treat you like a dirty little whore. Put my cock in your ass and then shove it down your throat
- After i cum you better start sucking my cock to get it hard
- Hold you down while i choke you and Fuck that ass that i own
Tiger:Sent: 12:08 PM 10/04/2009: Don’t Fucking talk to me. You almost just ruined my whole life. If my agent and these guys would have seen you there, Fuck

Jesus Christ Tiger! Relax bro! I mean I like smushing and watching filthy porn as much as the next guy but this shit is making even me blush! Sounds like you’re ordering off a menu with this bitch: ”yeah I’ll take two girls, one blonde, both white of course, a side of Ambien and the Golden Shower for dessert.”

Now I know the whole Tiger Woods thing has been beat to death and I could care less about it anymore but you got to imagine he can kiss the rest of his sponsorships goodbye. I mean can Nike really stand behind a dude who wants to 3some DP a porn star then slap and spank and bite and punish her? Assuming these are real of course. Just seems like it would be tough to sink zillions of dollars in advertising into a guy who likes to piss on chicks’ faces.

What I Learned From St. Patrick's Day

If there was ever a day to hook up with high school chicks, it was wednesday. Seriously there were a minimum 3000 drunk high school chicks in Vegas who were either 18 years old or impersonating an 18 year old, both of which are OK in my book. They rolled into the city from Summerlin and were all over the firemen. Chicks took one glimpse at the firemen in uniform and just started making out and shit. It was nuts. These guys from the FDNV had Twitter Game: 140 characters or less and these little minxes were all over them. And I just watched in awe with my shillelagh going 6 to midnight.

The FDNV – Saving lives and making the dreams of 18 year old Las Vegans come true on St. Patrick’s Day. True heroes indeed. Anyway, moral of the story is, become a fireman, because chicks will flock.

Does This Look Like The Face Of…Well, You Know.

Denmark - Danish artist dresses her baby as Hitler, exploring the meaning of evil. Exhibit by Nina Maria Kleivan also includes her daughter in costumes depicting Mussolini, Milosevic and Stalin. “We all have evil within us. Even small children are evil towards each other,” Danish-Norwegian artist Nina Maria Kleivan tells Haaretz as she explains why she chose to dress up her baby daughter as the most evil historical figures of the 20th century. “Even my daughter could end up ruling Denmark with an iron fist. The possibility is still there. You never know.”

Holy fuckin shit! This girl is gonna have a fuckin BLAST when her Mom starts showing baby pictures to her first boyfriend. None of this, “Oh here’s little Suzie naked in the bathtub, isn’t she so cute!?” sorta shit. Nope we’re talking “Look at Little Suzie posing as the man who turned the Soviet Union from a backward country into a world superpower at unimaginable human cost!” sort of embarrassment. Good luck with that sweetheart.

But I can’t knock this crazy Danish “artist” too much, because I will 200% be dressing up my child like a fuckin doll. Difference is, rather than selecting barbaric Fascist dictators and ferocious war criminals, I’ll probably be dressing up my kid as guys like Winston from Ghostbusters. Snake Eyes from G.I. Joe. The Master of the Universe He-Man, and the coup de gras – Lion-O from Thundercats. I mean they say you live out your dreams vicariously through your kids, and your boy dreams always happened to be about cartoon characters.