The Sports Zoo: 2012

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

The Top 3 Most Annoying People On Election Day

Look, I’m not going to hate on elections. Democracy is what makes America the best country ever. We actually get to vote. No other country in the world gets to do that. But, with that said, if you fall into one of these categories today you probably need to kill yourself.

1. Guy who won’t tell you who he is voting for -

Chappelle was right, the things we share with other people to then not share who we’re voting for is patently ridicolous. But for me its more than that. Today is the one day of the year that I have to talk about politics with strangers and people I bump into. Its like the day before the Super Bowl, or the day before a big storm. Its no different than saying, “hey who do you like in the big game?” or “How about that snow we’re about to get”. I’m not talking to you about politics because I want to. I’m doing it because I have to. Because that’s what people do today. So don’t be a pretentious asshole and say “its private” or “I voted for the president”. Fuck you man. Our conversation is going to last for 15 seconds. See if you can last FIFTEEN seconds without being a total douchebag.

2. Sticker Person -

Google images really came through with the perfect “Sticker People”

“I Voted”. Thanks Dude! I jerked off today, you don’t see me wearing a sticker saying “I Masturbated!”. These people are the same people that wear their marathon medals around town. No different. They want credit for doing something a monkey could do. Like you remember the World Cup a couple years ago when they had that Squid picking games? That proves it right there. A squid could vote. A fucking squid. You’re not special. You don’t need a sticker. You don’t need a pat on the back. Just vote and be done with it. If you feel the need to wear a sticker around all day you probably have a small penis.

See Also the “I Voted” people on Facebook. They’re just new age sticker people.

3. I’m Moving to Canada -

These people might be the worst. “If so and so doesn’t win I’m moving to Canada”. No you’re not you fucking drama queen. If so and so wins nothing in your day to day life is changing. Literally NOTHING. So stop looking for attention by telling everyone how awful candidate X is. Its all the same. You’re staying exactly where you are. No one is moving to Canada because Canada is fucking weird. You know it, I know it, and the whole world knows it, so just shut up and deal with losing like a man (i.e. get drunk and say racist things or make fun of mormons depending on what side wins).

Honorable Mentions

Every vote counts person – Every vote counts you guys! Shut up Puff Daddy. No it doesn’t. I live in New York. Half of the state could fall into Onondaga Lake and my vote still wouldn’t mean shit.

Sign Holders – I was totally going to vote for Obama until I saw that guy standing in front of the polling place with a Romney Sign. Way to go man. You killed it!

“Good Luck” People – Rare bird but they’re out there. Hey, I’m going to Vote. “Oh Good Luck”. Seriously? What the fuck do I need luck for? I’m not playing the lottery or taking a test. I’m filling in a bubble next to a name. Its my own decision. Luck is literally the last thing that comes into play.

“You Can’t Complain For The Next 4 Years If You Don’t Vote” – Fuck that. I am voting today but if I weren’t voting I’d still complain every single day for the next 4 years because that’s what people do, they complain. Shit sucks. Life is miserable. We complain. Because I did or did not vote has nothing to do with it. I’ll stop complaining about things when I’m dead and not a minute sooner.

Vote NO on Question #1,283 – Always one of these. The one guy who is absolutely adamant on some obscure issue. “Stop greyhound racing after 6 pm on Holidays, Vote No on Question 54″. “Limit the use of Lawn Mowers on Saturdays, Vote Yes on Question 283″. Shut up dude. Who cares. If you’re not allowed to do something because of some silly city ordinance just do it anyway. No one will stop you. Last I checked this is America.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

League Rejects PA’s Counter-Offers

A day which began with cautious optimism has ended once again in disappointment, as the NHL rejected the NHLPA’s latest offers, stoking fears of another lost season.

NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman emerged from today’s meeting with the NHLPA (which barely lasted an hour) to express disappointment in the players’ offers, claiming the two sides weren’t speaking the same language, calling the PA’s offers a step backward in the process.

Bettman claimed the PA’s proposals were merely variations of their initial one this summer regarding the playersshare of revenue.

Fehr subsequently spoke to the media, where he gave brief descriptions of the PA’s three offers. As per Tweets from James Mirtle:

No. 1: Would have fixed share in first three years. Share then frozen until hits 50% (Year 3 to 5).

No. 2: Players will get 25% of any growth. Their share would hit 51% by Year 4 and 50% by Year 5 with 5% growth.

No. 3: “We’ll move to 50-50 as long as you honor contracts.” Players get 13% up front to cover those contracts.

The NHLPA isn’t expected to make copies of their proposals available for public scrutiny as the NHL did with their latest proposal earlier this week.

Fehr also said the proposals dealt solely with hockey-related revenue (HRR) and core economics. There was no discussion on other issues (revenue sharing, contract term, arbitration, entry-level contracts, eligibility for UFA status, etc).

He did, however, say the players had concerns over the secondary issues, claiming the things the players got from the last round of concessions, the owners now wanted to take away. He didn’t specify what those concessions were.

It’s easy to see what led to the breakdown in talks today. The NHL wants a 50-50 split immediately. The PA, on the other hand, would prefer either a gradual reduction to minimize the escrow hit for the players, or an immediate 50-50 split if the league honors all existing contracts.

Hopefully, there will be more details upon what the players were offering. I’ll add them to this post if they are made public.

So, where do they go from here?

Well, it’s obvious there won’t be any further negotiations between the two sides this week. Bettman and company flew back to New York in an apparent huff, leaving the PA to stew in their Toronto headquarters.

It’s possible the reactions today are merely public posturing, with “off-line” discussions among the lieutenants from both sides over the weekend.

Then again, the frustration from both sides could be very real, in which case, things could be getting worse instead of better.

The NHL could send a clear signal as to its intentions if it announces cancellation of the next block of games (possibly a month’s worth) between October 19 and 24. Bettman has already made a subtle hint cancellation of future league events, including the Winter Classic, becomes a real possibility in the near future.

Don’t expect another proposal from the league. Bettman and company will now hope the threat of cancellation of more games and potential loss of the Winter Classic could put more pressure upon the PA to offer a more suitable proposal.

The important, positive note to take away from all this is the NHLPA and NHL, despite their rhetoric today, are on the same page regarding division of HRR. Both have agreed to 50-50 split. The question now is how they get there.

The next few days could tell the tale.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

NHL's Latest CBA Proposal

On October 16, the NHL made a new CBA proposal to the NHLPA which caught many observers, including the PA leadership, by surprise. Here’s my take on the salient points of the league’s offer.

The length of the proposal is reportedly six years. No change from the league’s previous offers.

Fifty-fifty split across the board of hockey-related revenue, with no salary rollbacks.

PA director Donald Fehr stated such a quick reduction in players share of revenue would result in “a very large escrow” in the early years of the league’s proposal. Thus, if the players are to accept this 50-50 split, they’ll prefer it be phased in gradually, to lessen the escrow hit.

ESPN’s Pierre LeBrun reported the league’s proposal would allow teams to go over the salary cap for the first season, up to $70 million max, as part of a transition period before the cap would be reduced the following season. That would certainly address the sticky issue of how clubs currently sitting with payrolls currently close to that figure (hello there, Boston Bruins, Minnesota Wild, Vancouver Canucks, among others) would get compliant this season under the league’s plan.

Larry Brooks of the NY Post observed via Twitter, “Escrow has been under 2.5% in 5 of 7 years of last CBA. 12.78% in 08/09, 9.41% in 09/10. Players got added 4.64% in 05/06 and 0.66% in 07/08.”

As James Mirtle of the Globe and Mail observed, escrow could come in at between 7-11 percent, depending upon the annual growth of revenue, which is why it’s an issue for the players. He suggests, however, if the league were to pay that back over time, it could alleviate the problem.

So, without a salary rollback, how does the league get to that 50-50 split in the first year?

According to Tom Gulitti of NorthJersey.com, “money on salaries above that point would be deferred and paid back over the life of the contract”.

Michael Russo of Startribune.com added: if a player on a ten-year deal had $1 million trimmed from his contract, he would get an additional $100K per season for the next ten seasons.

It does, however, come with some risk. As Katie Strang of ESPN.com observed, “if deferred payments rely upon future growth, what happens if future growth not sufficient to support those payments?”

Another issue, as noted by David Shoalts of The Globe and Mail, is if the definition of hockey-related is to remain as it was under the previous agreement, or if the league is seeking changes in their recent proposal.

That, however, appears a detail which will have to be determined between the two sides in future talks.

Eligibility for unrestricted free agency at age 28 or eight years of NHL service.

That represents only a one year increase from the current eligibility for UFA (27, or 7 years of service), which is a decline from the league’s initial proposal of age 30. I consider this a notable concession on the league’s part. PA will likely push to keep the current eligibility criteria, but I can’t see this being a significant show-stopper.

Entry level contract term remains at three years.

The league initially sought to extend that to five years, which I’ve frequently suggested since July could make it difficult for the league to attract the best young European talent. Good to see them showing some common sense with this.

**Update** ESPN.com’s Pierre LeBrun reported entry-level offers for rookies would be two years instead of three. If so, looks like the league understands the potential damage it could do by pushing those ELCs beyond three years.

Contract lengths would be capped at five years.

No change to what the league has initially sought, and which the PA might not be keen to accept. I still don’t foresee this to be a significant sticking point, as only a handful of players get contracts longer than five years (the average is just over three years). If push comes to shove, I don’t see this as a deal-breaker.

Salary arbitration rights remain in place.

The league initially sought to eliminate the players’ right to salary arbitration, so this is a significant concession on their part.

Salaries for NHL players demoted to the minors would still count against salary cap.
This one could be a sticky one. Some pundits believe the PA aren’t going to be keen on that point, but I also think a number of NHL players don’t like teams burying high-salaried players in the minors simply to become cap compliant. See Wade Redden of the NY Rangers for a notable example.

If anything, such a move would handcuff those few big market, free-spending teams which have employed that tactic to rid itself of costly salary cap mistakes.

Revenue sharing would be $200 million. The NHL initially sought $190 million, the NHLPA $250 million.

This is one where I could see some more negotiating between the two sides, as the PA could try to push that number a little higher toward between $210-$220 million.

The League’s offer would be contingent upon a full 82-game schedule beginning on November 2.

That would mean training camp would have to open on October 26 to allow the teams a full seven-day preparation period before the November 2nd start date. The NHL has already cancelled games up to October 24th, so I daresay that’s to be the deadline for a new deal to be implemented in order to reach that November 2nd season opener.

One final point: it’s interesting the NHL’s deal comes on the heels of the revelation of the league employing a noted American pollster to determine the best way to conduct its spin in the PR campaign regarding this lockout. Cynics are suggesting the offer is little more than a PR gambit designed to force the PA into rejecting the offer and thus painting the players as the bad guys and the team owners as the fair and reasonable ones.

Then again, as the Globe and Mail’s David Shoalts suggested:

“Possible reasons could be the adverse fan reaction in many of the league’s U.S. cities, where indifference seemed to be the most noticeable feeling.

This may have frightened more than a few owners in a league that has long waged a battle for mainstream acceptance in the U.S. Several U.S. teams, such as the Dallas Stars, St. Louis Blues, Tampa Bay Lightning, Florida Panthers and the Stanley Cup champion Los Angeles Kings saw the lockout stall their chances to build on encouraging signs in their markets due to ownership changes and/or playoff success.”

The league’s offer certainly puts the puck firmly into the NHLPA’s end. If the players reject it outright, the backlash from the fans will be significant, killing off whatever support they previously enjoyed.

That being said, Fehr’s remarks in the press conference immediately following yesterday’s offer from the league suggest the PA views the league’s offer as a solid “starting point” for further negotiations, which suggests the PA will likely make a counter-proposal soon.

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Dude Builds A UFO House To Prove His Teenage Girlfriend Who Said He’d Never Amount To Anything Wrong

DM — The metal saucer-shaped home of retired industrial arts teacher Roberto Sanchez Rivera, 58, is meant to look just like a grounded UFO. Resting on the slopes of Juana Diaz in Puerto Rico, the otherwordly house exists only to prove a girl wrong after 40-years, and all because Rivera suffered the same fate of many geeks across the planet – he was dumped. As a love-struck teenager, Rivera was an artistic student from a poor family and he would send his girlfriend love notes with little UFO’s drawn round the side. He promised he would one day build a home for the two of them that resembled the flashing flying saucers of the B-movies that they used to watch in the local movie theater. However, one day, after three months of seeing each other she unceremoniously ended the relationship with a Dear John note, sending Rivera to the brink of suicide as he contemplated jumping from the 13th floor of his apartment. ‘It ended because she wrote him a letter saying she did not want to continue the relationship, because she didn’t love him anymore,’ said Maria Martinez, the 56-year-old current girlfriend of Rivera who lives with him in the UFO home and translates English for him. As the fame of his alien house on the hillside grew in the surrounding area, Rivera received an unusual visit four years ago in the dead of night – the girl who had broken his heart 40-years ago. The octagon home was in its final stages of completion and the girl was so impressed she told Rivera that she wanted to get back together with him, but Rivera knew that finally his feelings for the girl had gone and turned her down. Satisfied that he had completed what he promised himself he would, Rivera, who claims he has no interest in science-fiction has advice for anyone who finds himself in the same predicament.

I absolutely respect the fuck out of this guy. Yeah it’s completely batshit to work on a house for 40 years to prove a girl wrong. But you know what? I hold a grudge. I understand what he’s going through. Getting dumped sucks. Some chick dumps you and says you’re fat, you work out to prove her wrong. She says you’re stupid, you go get a library card. She says you’ll never build a UFO shaped house in the Puerto Rican mountainside, you build a UFO shaped house in the Puerto Rican mountainside. Doesn’t matter how long it takes. You do what you have to do to win the breakup, and there’s no clock on that scoreboard. Like for the last 39 years that broad has been strutting that ass saying “I told him. I knew it. He’d never build that house.” Wrong, bitch! In your face! House that hums the theme to Close Encounters, told you! Doesn’t matter that it took 4 decades. Doesn’t matter that this guy doesn’t like SciFi anymore. Doesn’t matter than he doesn’t even like this girl anymore. He won the breakup. And that’s something we should all respect.

PS – how bad does it suck to be the current girlfriend? I don’t care what your man says, he still loves the ex. Tell yourself whatever you want, but when he tucks himself into his rocket ship bed at night and jerks his dick to infinity and beyond, he ain’t thinking about you.

Which Sports League Has The Highest Concentration Of Talent In The World?

This argument has come up with my friends for years and honestly I’m shocked I haven't written this blog earlier. The question concerns the overall level of talent per roster and throughout the league, with sports needing more players on the roster watering down that concentration of talent and those drawing from a bigger pool of athletes (i.e international sports) increasing the talent level. Really — in simplest terms — this list is ranking the most difficult leagues to break into.

Here is my personal Top 5 most talented sports leagues in the world:

5 – La Liga (Spanish soccer)

Home of two of the best soccer teams in the world (Real Madrid & Barcelona), and even though I feel a natural reflex to backhand anyone who pronounces the city Bar-tha-lo-na with the fake lisp I can’t argue that their squad isn’t loaded with talent. Ronaldo and Messi? And you surround them with the best from elsewhere in the world? Reality check: every country on the planet besides us plays soccer. That’s an incredibly deep pool of talent to draw from with a very limited number of roster spots.

4 – NHL

Once wildly popular in all of North America yet recently dwindling down to the Versus network where I think they’re sandwiched between Slamball reruns and Curling, the NHL is still an incredibly profitable league that boasts some of the most nationally diverse talent in the world. And I mean nationally diverse as in players from different nations, because the NHL suffers from a serious lack of black, brown, dark brown, and yellow talent. Lots of potential greats have probably never even tried on skates.

3 – MLB

So many minor leagues and so hard to get to and remain at the major league level. Talent pool that includes all of the Americas as well as Asia, and according to the Little League World Series Africa apparently as well. Small rosters also make it difficult to secure a spot in the rotation. Although if you’re a big fat guy with a decent OBP you can DH until you’re 50.

2 – NBA

As terribly as many NBA owners have managed their own finances, the league as a whole has done a sneakily outstanding job of branding itself internationally. Chinese people love Kobe Bryant in a way that people from his own home town never could. The shit’s insane. Almost every continent on the planet plays the sport, and the rosters offer a very limited number of spots. Want an idea of how exclusive the Association is? A second-round NBA pick isn’t worth jack shit.

1 – English Premier League

I hate to say it but a non-American league boasts to highest concentration of talent of any other league in the world. While the NBA can claim that almost every country in the world plays basketball, soccer can literally say that every country in the world plays their sport. It’s ridiculous. I just picture Brazilian soccer camps that look like the Shaolin temple from Enter The Dragon with a thousand kids all practicing their footwork. I can’t imagine how good that bulldog faced little shit Wayne Rooney must be at kicking that ball to be so dominant in a sport with so much competition. Manchester United, Manchester City, Liverpool, Arsenal, and Chelsea are like vacuums that suck up the world’s best foot fairies. Big money = big talent.

Not on the list – NFL

Why the NFL isn’t on the list: 53-90 players on the roster at any given time means lots of people get the chance to “be on the team”, only 2-3 countries play the sport thus limiting the potential talent pool, also: punters, kickers, and longsnappers. Every father who loves their child should have them kicking goat heads and rocks until they’re in high school. The kicker who can consistently knock down 60 yard FG’s will be the owner of the world’s greatest job.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

The Non-Official But Official How I Met Your Mother Character Power Rankings

It’s amazing how the entire world agrees that Lily sucks. She’s so that fucking girl that tries to piggyback on your group’s inside jokes. She never gets the hint that it’s guy time and she lingers for way too long. Everyone knows you don’t actually like Madden and you just wanna be that cool, Zooey Deschanel “one of the guys” girls. Luckily the show’s humor is supported well enough by the other 4 characters. With the new season starting last night, I present to you the HIMYM power rankings:

1. Barney- The self-proclaimed Barnacle is not only the best character on the show, but easily a top 5 character on television. He slays hood rats, crushes his banking job, and oh yeah… has deployed the most outrageously creative and innovative pickup moves to become a sex icon to whom all men aspire, while in reality, he’s gay. Nothing wrong with NPH getting his guzzle on in real life, but I just find it fascinating that a gay man can play the poster boy for straight. If he’s not your number 1, then you’re obviously a homophobe and quite possibly a racist.

2. Marshall- He would be the number 1 on any other show that doesn’t star NPH. Despite the fact that he’s married to the anti-funny, he brings to the table a witty and unique sense of humor that we don’t see anywhere else. No one on Men at Work is throwing out gems like Marshall’s “I’m too big for New York City” rant. That was honestly one of the funniest television moments I’ve ever seen. Actually that episode is a perfect representation of the power rankings in general- Marshall kills the big fish, small pond spiel, but is upstaged by Barney’s incessant need for a high-five.

3. Ted- Ted is a solid 3. I’m amazed how many people think Ted is an awful character. Granted, he’s a bit of a softy, but you need that juxtaposition with Barney. Otherwise, you just have two players and a married guy anchoring the show. The married guy, pussy monger, relationship seeker is a proven technique that dates back to the last couple seasons of Friends. Don’t fix it if it isn’t broken. Ted also provides someone for us to continually root for and applaud when things go his way.

4. Robin- Robin is only this low by default. She’s a shopping mall sensation in Canada and she’s every guy’s dream. Whereas Lily wants to be and is desperate to be one of the guys, Robin actually is that girl. She smokes cigars, drinks man drinks, and loves hockey. She just oozes perfection. She went through a bit of an uggo stretch in the middle seasons, but I forgive her, as I’ve learned she was actually pregnant in real life and concealing it on the show. Bravo, Scherbatsky- anyone that can still summon blood to the tip while bearing a child is okay in my book.

5.- Literally everyone else on the show besides Lily. Clint, Ranjit, Wayne Brady, even Punchy- Ted’s annoying, over-the-top friend from Cleveland (love him in Blue Mountain State though)- is better than Lily. I wish HIMYM took a really dark turn in the episode with Amanda Peet working in Marshall’s office. Lily finds out about the situation, spite-fucks some dude out of anger and the power couple breaks up. Ratings may have taken a momentary hit for a week or two, but it’s for the greater good. Lily’s stupid, corny humor is the only thing in the way of How I Met Your Mother being an elite show like Friends or Seinfeld. Band camp bitch has to go. They need to replace her at the start of this season with someone who doesn’t suck. Don’t even make a reference to it in the show either. Fresh Prince of Bel-Air did it like 82 times with the mom. Just get Debra Messing or something; she’s been a ghost since Along Came Polly

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

I Can’t Believe The Internet Is Still Believing This Story About The Dude Who Was Lost At Sea For 4 Months And Saved By A Shark

(SkyNews) — A lost fisherman who drifted at sea for 15 weeks, sleeping next to his dead brother-in-law, was eventually helped to safety – by a shark. Toakai Teitoi was stuck on a 15ft wooden boat for more than 100 days after he ran out of fuel and the vessel drifted deep into the Pacific. The father-of-six told of sleeping with the body of his brother-in-law who died during the ordeal, suffering severe dehydration. And he said it was only after the intervention of a circling shark that he was eventually rescued. Mr Teitoi’s ordeal began on May 27 after he had flown from his home island of Maiana to the Kiribati capital of Tarawa to be sworn in as a policeman. Instead of flying home he decided to join his brother-in-law Lelu Falaile, 52, on what was supposed to be a two-hour sea journey back to Maiana. But after stopping to fish along the way and sleeping overnight, they woke the following day to find they had drifted out of sight of Maiana and ran out of fuel. “We had food, but the problem was we had nothing to drink,” he said.”I left him there overnight and slept next to him like at a funeral,” Mr Teitoi said. He buried his brother-in-law at sea the next morning. Only a day after Mr Falaile passed away a storm blew into the area and rained for several days allowing Mr Teitoi to fill two five-gallon containers with water. He continued to pray regularly and on the morning of September 11 caught sight of a fishing boat in the distance but the crew were unable to see him. Dejected, he did what he had done most days, curling up under a small covered area in the bow to stay out of the tropical sun. Mr Teitoi said he woke in the afternoon to the sound of scratching and looked overboard to see a six-foot shark circling the boat and bumping the hull. When the shark had his attention it swam off.

As far as unbelievable stories go, this one is probably at the top of history’s list. Not one part of it makes a lick of sense. First of all, on a planned two hour fishing trip they had enough food on a 15 foot boat to last 4 months? On a 2 hour fishing trip you bring a case of beer and maybe a PB&J. Then it rained hard enough to fill two 5 gallon containers of water? It didn’t rain that hard during the monsoon scene in Jumanji. Finally, a shark woke him up to show him a boat? Sharks aren’t puppies. They’re bad fish. Not like going down the pond chasin’ bluegills and tommycods. This shark, swallow you whole. Little shakin’, little tenderizin’, an’ down you go. Just no chance any of it is real. Obviously this guy just went out there and killed his brother in law then made up some ridiculous story about a shark rescuing him like it was Our Lady of Guadalupe. But whatever, believe this tall tale if you want. I’m not gonna waste my time arguing with a man who’s lining up to be a hot lunch.

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Study Says College Kids Learn Absolutely Nothing In School

USA – Nearly half of the nation’s undergraduates show almost no gains in learning in their first two years of college, in large part because colleges don’t make academics a priority, a new report shows. Instructors tend to be more focused on their own faculty research than teaching younger students, who in turn are more tuned in to their social lives, according to the report, based on a book titled Academically Adrift: Limited Learning on College Campuses. Findings are based on transcripts and surveys of more than 3,000 full-time traditional-age students on 29 campuses nationwide, along with their results on the Collegiate Learning Assessment, a standardized test that gauges students’ critical thinking, analytic reasoning and writing skills. After two years in college, 45% of students showed no significant gains in learning; after four years, 36% showed little change. Students also spent 50% less time studying compared with students a few decades ago, the research shows. “These are really kind of shocking, disturbing numbers,” says New York University professor Richard Arum, lead author of the book, published by the University of Chicago Press.

I can tell you literally one thing I remember learning in college. That you should hold your stretch for 15-20 seconds for optimal effects. Fitness Walking P.E. credit. Yes Fitness Walking. Yes our final exam was a timed walk around the track. That’s what stuck with me. The rest of it is just a garble of random equations and books and lectures and papers. A little tidbit here and a little tidbit there. The only thing anybody learns in college is that nobody learns anything in college. What you do learn is how to drink, how to party, how to be on your own, how to be independent. You make your best friends for the rest of your life. You clean your shit up enough senior year so that you can pull down a job. I guess the possible exception would be pre-med but even then I’m not so sure considering some of the craziest wildest drunkest maniacs I knew at school are doctors now. Just saying I’m not too shocked at this study that nobody learns shit their first 2 years of school. Of course you don’t. But you learn the important stuff.

Bettman, Owners: To Hell With The Players, Fans — We’re Locking You Out

There’s really nothing else to say at this point. It’s honestly just embarrassing. When everyone who knows you’re a hockey fan talks to you about it like they expect you to kill yourself at any moment, there’s no pride left in being into the NHL. So what am I supposed to do now?

I don’t want to write about numbers or escrow or rollbacks or hard caps anymore than you want to read about them. But just know this: all of the blood for the third lockout on Gary Bettman’s watch is on both his and the owners’ hands. This is wholly preventable but the owners, after getting the system they wanted, no, demanded, seven years ago, want to blow it all up again for their further financial gain.

After the last time the NHL locked the doors, they treated the players like the rednecks treated Bobby in “Deliverance” and won huge concessions from the players. What happened next? The league, thanks to less obstruction and arguably the best collection of young talent ever, thrived like never before. Revenues rose billions of dollars in record time and every should have been making money. But because some owners either can’t, don’t, or won’t run their ship right (or their team is in a place where it‘s not able to), the NHL wants players to once again make ridiculous concessions because the teams that these several of these same owners made hundreds of millions of dollars in expansion fees from are now floundering and not built for long-term success. Now? The owners want to roll out the pinball machine and give the players the Sarah Tobiastreatment. Fucking shameful.

The owners are basically like spoiled, entitled, dysfunctional Kennedy kids who fuck off and pull their puds and do reckless shit because they can but then find themselves up shit’s creek. But then they just rely on Joe Sr. (Bettman) to bail them out yet again. And the fans? We’re the interns and secretaries and actresses and coeds that become the collateral damage along the way—fucked and then dumped off to the side with nary a care.

The NHLPA paid dearly before. They’re willing to make concessions now. They’re 100% in the right. They’re willing to play under the current CBA just so they DON’T HAVE TO CANCEL THE FUCKING SEASON. But the owners don’t want that. Fuck you, pay me.

Owners set current market. And they couldn’t approve expansion franchises quick enough (the same franchises that are at the crux of the problem right now) so that they could get their greasy mitts on the expansion fees. This is a problem completely of their creation yet they want the players to take the hit. Incredibly, they’re still handing out ridiculous contracts just hours before they try to fight them.

The players will need to stand strong and hope to wait the owners out. Right now, there’s no reason to think they can’t. The smarter/richer guys prepared well ahead of time. But others? These guys aren’t afraid of work. They’ll do skating clinics, Europe, demo work, KHL, shovel shit, whatever. As mostly Canadian boys of hard-working stock, they’ll do what they need to do to keep the bills paid. They just need for those first several games to peel off the calendar, when owners start feeling the pinch of missing the gate money, the food money, the merch money, the TV money, the Winter Classic loot. The guys building $15M fifth houses on waterfront Dartmouth estates can ride it out. But when half-to-two-thirds of his peers are begging to make a deal and the players are firmly resolute, well, that’s when then the rubber meets the road.

If the players hold firm, the owners will blink eventually. Will it suck for hockey fans? Yeah, of course. But some things aren’t just worth fighting for, they need to be fought for. For the NHLPA, this is that time.

They’re not being greedy. This isn’t “millionaires vs. billionaires”. These guys aren’t pampered stars living the life of a hip-hop video. The road life is a non-stop fucking grind of travel, practice, downtime, and beating the shit out of their bodies. They deserve every cent they get (well, most of them) and, after taxes, agents, lawyers, etc., they don’t take home nearly what you think. They’re the most elite athletes on the planet simply looking to continue working and are willing to take less even though they’ve done nothing wrong and the money is pouring in.

Hopefully, the players find some semblance of victory and owners, seeing the folly of their increasingly arrogant figurehead’s incompetence in preventing work stoppages, will kick him to the curb before he festers, becomes the next Stern, and starts nixing trades with the wave of a hand. Bettman said the cap would bring down ticket prices. Mine have gone from $28 to $45 in just 3 years. He also said the league was going to make sure that the NBCSN would start appearing in hotel rooms. That hasn’t happened either. The guy’s a full of shit lawyer that can’t be trusted and regardless of how this shakes out, three lockouts in one tenure is three too many and it’s time for him to go.

Here’s a few numbered buds for your lockout bowl. Be sure to stock up.

100%. How much the fault of the lockout falls on Bettman and the owners.

Untold millions. How much money that ushers, bar owners, hot dog vendors, restaurants, waitresses, building maintenance, bartenders, police, stores, and thousands of others will lose out on.

Several dozen. Alternate hockey options in Buffalo and Southern Ontario this fall/winter. Drive down to Rochester to see the Amerks or stay in Buffalo to see Buff St. (Hi, Celina), UB, or Canisius .

0. How much money you’ll blow on $9 piss-warm beer. Also, how many fucks the owners care about the fans.

180. Dollars I won’t have to waste on awful preseason games that I’m forced to buy as a season ticket holder.

1/1/2013. When to expect to see the next NHL game. Hey, it worked for the NBA last year.

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

If I Hear Another Teacher Bitch About Their Summer Being Over I’m Going To The Nearest School And Burning It Down

First off, let me just say that I am in no way bashing the teaching profession. Teachers are important and should be respected in this country, unless you live in Wisconsin where people apparently say ‘fuck these overpaid elitists, my child doesn’t need to be literate.’ I know they work long hours during the school year, sometimes don’t get compensated enough and have to put up with bullshit from kids, and even more from the parents. Some of the people I have the most respect for are my former teachers and coaches. My brother and girlfriend are both teachers and I have dozens of friends who are educators. I am in no way bashing the teaching profession or how important their job is to educate the youth of America.

Now, that being said, fuck teachers. Not all of them, just the ones who bitch about having to go back to their jobs after having the ENTIRE SUMMER OFF, which is basically every teacher I know. All I see on Facebook and hear from my teacher friends is “Ughhhhhh I need a couple more weeks of summer before I have go back to these kids” and “Summer went by too fast, don’t wanna go back to work!” All those asshats can take a corkscrew to the dick or a flaming bukaki from Ghost Rider to the tits. That includes my gf.

These people get off from work for almost 3 months during the Summer, full weeks for Thanksgiving/Christmas/Spring Break, every federal holiday and now every Jewish fiesta. You know who doesn’t want to work? Everyone. I’m pretty sure even Derek Jeter gets tired of playing baseball and laying pipe everyday as his full-time job sometimes. I despise the fact that I have to wake up and have actual responsibilities to handle throughout the day. For some reason teachers seem to bitch more about having to go to work than the average person, which sadly is a cubical monkey. I know this has to do with the cube ape just succumbing to his life being the equivalent to a slave and doesn’t feel the need to express emotions or has been working the same job for 3+ years and has subsequently become emotionless. However, a teacher actually gets to experience freedom to do whatever they want for a couple of months and obviously doesn’t want to go back to having actual responsibilities. But that’s exactly the point, teachers get the privilege of basically taking a break from life for the best months out of the year where everybody else is lucky to get 2 or 3 weeks throughout the entire year. If you’re a teacher, think for a second how much this pisses everyone off and please refrain from stating how you feel because it makes the average worker think you’re a spoiled douchedick.

PS – Those of you in college, you better be enjoying every. fucking. minute. of your life. Once you’re out you never know how much you appreciated the little things in life like not have to worry about being hungover on a weekday, and naps. Yes, I would legimitaly kill my own mother if that meant I could just have the option to nap for 1 hour everyday.

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Top 8 Condiments

My friend suggested Duck sauce at #1? Fucking duck sauce? Thats just the yellow bag of goo you throw out after you grab the soy sauce packet from the Chinese delivery bag. Outrageous claim. So lets dig in here.

First thing’s first, I’m gonna define what I call to be a condiment, because its a grey area. I’m gonna say anything that enhances the flavor of the food you’re eating is a condiment. If its a dip of some sort that is the main thing you’re eating, its not a condiment because its the main focus. So, for example, bleu cheese is a dipping sauce put onto wings. Therefore, its a condiment. Salsa Con Queso is a dip that you eat using chips because you basically need something to chew while eating it. Therefore, not a condiment. Also, we’re just gonna say that cream cheese is not a condiment. Its just too different from other sauces and what not. It would trump pretty much everything and shoot to number 1 on the list.

8) Barbecue Sauce – If given the choice between barbecue sauce and sweet and sour sauce, you always choose barbecue. Especially at Wendy’s. A Wendy’s 5 piece without barbecue sauce is like a gun without bullets

7) Ginger Dressing from Japanese places – Personally, “in a vacuum,” these ginger dressings are my favorite thing in the fucking world. When I get Chinese food, I put it on everything. Salads, dumplings, sushi, whatever. Its delicious. I’d shower in it if I could. Problem is, its so specific to Chinese and Japanese food. You can’t really get it anywhere else that you’re eating. To rare to make the top of the list.

6) Sour Cream – An absolute must have if you’re eating Mexican. Tacos, quesadillas, burritos. All of them need sour cream.

5) Oil and Vinegar/Balsamic/Italian dressing – For the times when you want chicken cutlet sandwiches with mozzarella cheese and hot peppers and shit, and obviously don’t want to combined all that with mayonnaise. More of a dressing than a condiment, but a perfect compliment on italian subs and chicken cutlet heros when other sandwich spreads don’t mix well

4) Chipotle Ranch – This is pretty much strictly a bar thing, but I spend a lot of my time eating bar food so I put it in the 4 hole. Just straight up a delicious blend of spicy and tangy. Amazing on chicken fingers, frickles, sandwiches. A rare but fucking delectable condiment.

3) Hot sauce – The most versatile and powerful of all condiments. Can overpower the flavor of virtually anything its placed on – which helps in college or when you’re traveling and the food sucks. It can range from scrambled eggs to pizza to soul food. Provides the kick and spice thats missing from a lot of foods.

2) Ketchup – Probably the first thing that comes to everyone’s head when you say “condiment” is ketchup. It was like the originator, right after salt and pepper. Hamburgers, french fries, hot dogs. Eggs, breakfast sandwiches, grilled cheese. Meatloaf, hashbrowns. Out of the respect for ketchup’s career alone, you need to make it top 2.

1) Bleu Cheese – The champ is here! The GOAT. Bleu Cheese and buffalo wings – the greatest combo of all time. Shits on PB&J. Its the Jordan and Pippen of food combos. The creamy cool feeling it provides when eating spicy buffalo is the best condiment achievement ever. Without Bleu Cheese, buffalo wings lose some of its appeal. THATS the reason its number 1. It affects the deliciousness of wings. And I don’t wanna live in a world where wings aren’t as delicious as they possibly can. And dont even MENTION ranch. Ranch dressing is for chicks and gays, end of story.

Honorable Mentions – McDonalds Secret Sauce, Bearnaise sauce, the fictional Franch Dressing from Breaking Bad

Monday, June 18, 2012

This Trend Of High Waist Mom-Jean Shorts Needs To End Immediately

There’s a storm brewing, folks. A storm of chicks who are finding it acceptable to wear high waisted mom jean shorts. Somewhere along the line the fashion powers-that-be decided that jean shorts up over your belly button became “in.” Chicks think they look hot and chic to wear their shorts up to their armpits like middle aged women have done for years.

I first saw it at our Blackout shows but I thought that was just because people got ridiculous and dressed up like it was fuckin Halloween for those things. But this weekend was when I realized this epidemic has truly reached the masses. What a motherfucking disaster. Everywhere I looked, chicks had their shorts hiked up to their fuckin tits. Looks like someone took a pair of overalls and just chopped the straps off. Looks like a pair of denim Spanxx. Bitches are running around this summer in denim girdles and think they look hot. I cannot stand for this. Will not stand for this. I’ll go on a motherfuckin crusade against these mom shorts. I’ll raise an army if I have too.

And don’t you fuckin dare tell me these are just what the original Daisy Dukes wore and they’re still hot. The original Daisy Dukes pulled them off because she was a smoke actress. Also it was the 70s when everything was fucking weird as shit. After that point anybody who wore their jeans up over their belly button was a fat mom trying to contain their FUPA. See thats the problem with these fucking fashion trends. For every one girl like this who can pull off the look, there's a million that can't.

Yea, the hottest skinniest models can put on these stupid shorts and look hot. They can wear anything and look hot. But when you persuade the masses to wear these, the result is FUPAs and camel toes and a look that reminds me of my mother for the entire decade of the 90s. So, girls – go ahead wear these stupid shorts. Pretend you look like the original Daisy Dukes or the runway models that can pull off any look just so you can be “in.” But just know that you look like a complete asshole.

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Chicks Who Dress Like Whores Are Mad At New Rule That Penalizes Cabs For Picking Up Prostitutes

NY Post – They’re not hookers — they just look as if they could be! A dozen scantily clad women rallied outside City Hall yesterday, decrying a bill they say prevents beauties wearing skimpy clothes from getting a fair shot at hailing a yellow cab. The proposal, which will soon get Mayor Bloomberg’s signature, slaps stiff penalties on cabbies who ferry prostitutes and get a cut of the cash. But yesterday’s collection of bartenders and shot girls said that hacks will now be scared to pick up any woman wearing a short skirt or spiked heels — and noted that sometimes, even legitimately employed women have to flaunt it to make a living. “They don’t even know who is a prostitute or not!” said Diana Estrada, 27, a Sofrito bartender wearing a cleavage-baring spaghetti-strap dress. “You don’t have a shirt on that tells if you’re a prostitute or not.” She frequently takes cabs home to Astoria after leaving late shifts, and she’s concerned taxi drivers will pass her by, since she wears short-shorts or miniskirts. Currently, the city’s Taxi & Limousine Commission has the authority to strip drivers of their licenses if they knowingly partake in sex trafficking. But the new bill — which the City Council unanimously passed Wednesday — would require the TLC to both strip a driver’s license and slap them with a $10,000 penalty if he’s previously been convicted of sex trafficking. On a first offense, a driver goes to a city hearing, where his license could be revoked. The proposal could make cops more willing to arrest drivers who are innocent, said taxi-union boss Fernando Mateo. “I will challenge any one of you to tell me which one of [these women] you would consider to be a prostitute,” he said yesterday. “They’re all sexy.”

Hey Bloomberg are you out of your fuckin mind bro? First 20 ounce sodas and now this. Let me ask you a question, Bear Jew – how the fuck are normal sluts supposed to get cabs under this new rule? Whether they are actual prostitutes or just dressed up in a prostitutes uniform, these broads have places to be. Sluts need to travel too, Bloomberg! I mean this could be the death of the booty call as we know it. You think the chick dressed in the short skirt with her tits out is gonna leave the bar to hop on the subway, transfer to the bus, and walk a couple blocks to go suck your dick? For sure not. Late night cabs for chicks is basically a shuttlebus for sluts. Door to door delivery of chick who’s down to fuck. If every yellow cab out there is weeding out the sexy chicks the whole goddam system falls apart.

Only Bloomberg could come up with a rule to try and stop prostitution that results in more scantily clad women walking the streets.

Sandusky Has Ruined The "Tickle Monster" For Me Forever

LA Times – The sixth of the accusers who say they were abused by Jerry Sandusky took the witness stand Thursday and described being embraced in the shower by the former Penn State football coach who called himself the “tickle monster.”

You know what Sandusky’s lasting legacy of infamy is gonna be? Ruining Tickle Monster. Now when everyone hears Tickle Monster they’re just gonna think of this old rapist with gross teeth doing unspeakable things to boys in the shower. Meanwhile Tickle Monster used to be the most harmless, most fun thing a dad ever did with his children. In my house Tickle Monster was like a fuckin sport. We ran around the house and my father tried to peg us with a blanket tied up in a knot. It was basically like dodgeball. Me and my brother ran around trying to dodge the shit our father threw at us and if you got hit you got tickeled. Hiding behind furniture and shit like we were in The Assault on American Gladiators. Probably my favorite memory from my childhood. Now nobody is ever gonna play Tickle Monster ever again. Just like nobody names their kids Adolf. Such a goddam shame.

My whole childhood just got retroactively creepy. I feel like I gotta go testify in this trial now.

Friday, June 15, 2012

Mexican Town Sets Up “Theme Park” So You Can Simulate an Illegal Border Crossing

Oddity Central- Located 100 kilometers from the US border, and about two hours away from Mexico City, the small town of El Alberto has become one of Mexico’s most popular tourist attractions. Seven years ago, 90% of the local population had crossed over into the US in search of the American Dream, and the small settlement had become a modern ghost town. Now, El Alberto has a population of around 3,000 and draws in thousands of tourists every year, all eager to experience the unique activity that put this place on the map. The Night Walk illegal border crossing is split into several stages. First, there’s roll call, after which the would-be emigrants are packed in the back of pick-up trucks and taken to the starting point, where they are given an explanation of what they are about to go through. A “coyote” (people smuggler) tells them they will be facing rough conditions, spiders, snakes, poisonous plants and the vigilant border patrol, but that it’s not even 5% of what a real migrant has to go through to reach his goal. The State Government of Hidalgo has accused the Eco Alberto Park of making fun of emigrants and even of training Mexicans so they can cross the border into America for real, but the parks’ representatives say that since they started organizing the Night Walk activity, in the summer of 2004, 60% of the local population preferred to remain home, instead of putting their lives in danger and being exploited in the US.

Hey Mexicans slow your roll hombres. You want to cross our borders illegally that’s fine. You want to take our jobs and demand citizen’s rights and drive up insurance premiums that’s all you. But chill out with this “theme park” shit. I mean I’m not mad at the hustle of whoever dreamed this up, but who are they trying to fool? A theme park is a place you can pay with an empty can of Coke for the privilege of spending the day surrounded by fat people dressed in Looney Tunes graphic tees kids and high school kids on band trips. This, on the other hand, is as much a theme park as the Taliban training camps in Afghanistan. This isn’t a tourist attraction, it’s a Mexican version of Ocean’s 11. Something tells me that real tourists aren’t going to visit the Beheading Capital of the World just so they can figure out how to escape if they lose their passport.

Couple Lives With Pet Bengal Tiger

Daily Mail – In many ways Enzo is just like any other house cat: he likes attention, loves sleeping and can’t wait to get his claws into the furniture. But this adorable one-year-old is no common moggy. In fact, he’s a 27-stone pet Bengal tiger who lives with Michael Jamison and his girlfriend Jackie Smit in Brakpan, South Africa.

Over/under on days until the follow up story of the nice South African couple ravaged in their sleep and ripped limb from limb by a Bengal Tiger? I’d say 1 month. I don’t care how much Enzo the Tiger likes his baby bottle of warm milk and his binky. I don’t care how cute he is when he nuzzles up against your napping face or when he rolls around on the carpets begging you to scratch his belly. Bro is a tiger. Make no mistake about it. He will eat you and he will eat all of you. Sure he may love you now but at the end of the day, tiger’s gonna tiger. Consider yourself warned.

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Women Scared That Porn and Video Games Are Ruining Society

AVI- All those hours spent in front of a screen, not just watching porn but playing video games too, is leaving men in the dust socially, unable to relate to women and unable to function in society, according to a new study. In HBO’s new show ‘Girls’, creator Lena Dunham conjures up an image of young men so inundated with online porn that they almost unwittingly try to re-enact it in their own boudoir escapades. The show is fictional, but Stanford University psychologist Philip Zimbardo believes there’s a lot of reality to it. “We found that guys are failing in school and with women, and becoming socially isolated,” LA Times quoted Zimbardo as saying. “This was based on extensive research, a survey and observations made by parents we know, kids we’ve talked to, grandparents, even women saying, “I can’t find a guy to have a conversation with.” Duncan agreed, also highlighting the “risk of social rejection” reduced by playing video games. “Video games show them that they can be the master of the universe. They feel good when they play video games, and there’s no risk of social rejection,” Duncan said.

Wahwahwah porn and video games are ruining society, no guys wants to talk to us they just want to beat off and play Madden. Fuck that. Men don’t have to adjust to society…society has to adjust to men. We’ve always been the pioneers. It’s not our fault the technological advancements of the past 20 years have redefined the game. 5,000 years ago cavemen used to jerk off to stick figures drawn in yak blood on a rock wall and probably thought that was where it was at. Now with a couple of clicks you can probably find a woman having sex with a yak in 1080p and Dolby 5.1 surround sound. It’s a whole new ballgame, and society needs to accept this. As far as I’m concerned, you don’t change the rules by playing the game the way it’s supposed to be played. You change the game by becoming the commissioner. It’s only a matter of time before the National Porn and Video Game Association becomes a thing, and I want to make sure I have the credentials to get the nomination.

Also, the reason that you can’t find a guy to have a conversation with probably isn’t because he watches porn and plays video games. I’d be willing to bet most of the time it’s because you’re a fucking awful person to be around. I understand why you might be concerned that men are spending more time staring at a screen than talking to you, but that’s only because the screen is more interesting than you are. If men thought is was worth a time investment to talk to you, they would. But if I have to pick between shooting zombies in the head and listening to girl talk about how her classes are going and why Stacey is such a dramatic bitch, I’m going with the first one 9 out of 10 times. And the one time I do decide to listen I like to think I’m able to carry out a conversation, because I want it to end like all the porn that I watch. It’s all about balancing various states of mind. I have no problem telling a 14 year old on Xbox Live that he’s gay and I banged his mom, but I’m not going to go up to a girl at the bar and drop that as my opening line. I also have no problem watching two naked Russian acrobats defy the laws physics and flexibility, but I’m not going to try and reenact it. I know my limits, and I also know that the Soviet Jackhammer is not a thing that real people do. Society needs to take a load off. Try watching some porn.

Does Liking Girly Flavors of Vodka Make Me a Pussy?

I’ll admit right up front that while I can hold my own when it comes to drinking, I’m a gigantic pussy when it comes to most types of hard liquor. My Irish heritage makes it so whiskey tastes like water, but most alcohol agrees with me like a gender studies major at a Blackout show. The last time I had rum I woke up to a broken television and a pile of clothes covered in urine, which must have happened when I forgot to lock the door before passing out, so some drunk guy came in and pissed everywhere. If I see someone do a shot of tequila at a bar, I have to make a conscious effort to suppress my gag reflex (And before anyone can comment: “Easy for you because of all the dicks you suck.”) In preparation for summer, my current non-beer drink of choice is the John Daly, which consists of 60 proof pink lemonade vodka mixed with iced tea. Not exactly moonshine from a mason jar. But even I have limits on just how girly I was willing to go. Or so I thought.

In my weekly rotation of various neighborhood liquor stores (being a borderline alcoholic is like being a serial killer; can’t be too careful covering your tracks or they’ll realize what you really are) I’ve noticed that more and more variations of flavored rubbing alcohol have been popping up, with most of them seeming to appeal to people more disposed to being born with a vagina. And even though it would make for a better joke, when I’m talking about these masculinity challenging flavors I’m not referring to the fruity stuff. I mean the real exotic shit. Smirnoff came out with marshmallow and whipped cream vodka a little while ago, but any apprehension I might have initially had was balanced out by the erection that the commercials gave me. But then things started to get out of hand. Pinnacle came into the vodka game like its shit doesn’t stink and just started dropping every flavor imaginable. They have options like cake, fire ball, and cotton candy; the list goes on for days. Back in the 80s and 90s cigarette companies got in trouble using cartoons to market to children, but these motherfuckers are blowing them out of the water. At first I couldn’t comprehend who else would want to buy these besides a five year old with a drinking problem. But then I got the chance to take a shot of the cake flavor, and my deepest fear was realized: this shit is delicious.

Cake vodka actually tastes like a Funfetti cake dipped in a shitload of booze. And once I realized it existed I couldn’t stop there. Cake vodka was my gateway. I went to pick up more and I was like a kid in a candy store if that candy store sold candy flavored alcohol. I got cookie dough, marshmallow, motherfucking Swedish fish; it’s like revisiting your childhood, only this time it’s fueled by 70 proof vodka. Now I’m not saying that I walk into a store every Friday and buy a handle of whipped cream vodka. But I’m kind of hooked, and I don’t know how I feel about it. I know it’s the 21^st century and we’re big on acceptance and not subscribing to social stigmas, but I still totally do and so does basically every other person alive. I’m way too vain to just do my own thing. There’s a reason I didn’t go to fucking art school. So hopefully some of the more knowledgeable readers can help me decide, because if anyone is the voice of reason, it’s my readers: Is it alright to openly enjoy the girliest drinks to hit the shelves in recent memory, or do I just have a case of the gay? Tweet me.

I Need To Hire This Professional Pencil Sharpener And I Needed To Hire Him Yesterday

Youtube – David Rees, author of the new book “How to Sharpen Pencils” shares his equipment and technique, using Palomino Blackwing pencils. Artisanal Pencil Sharpening is part of the BLACKWING EXPERIENCE, an interactive exhibition and event celebrating the iconic tool of the creative fields at the Art Directors Club on April 17th, 2012.

Do I use pencils anymore? No. Does anybody on planet earth use pencils anymore? No. (Lee Corso notwithstanding) Do I need to hire this professional pencil sharpener? Absolutely. Because this is what building an empire is all about. Assembling a team of individuals each with their own unique set of talents. You walk into one room and you have the Lord of Cotton Candy. You walk into another room and you have a professional pencil sharpener. You walk into a 3rd room and you have sex slaves. When you combine all the talents you have an unstoppable fighting machine. That’s how you win wars. And yes I would keep an automatic pencil sharpener on my desk just so whenever the professional pencil sharpener disappointed me I’d threaten to use the automatic right in face. You know that must be the equivalent of pouring hot lava on this guy’s head

Who Should Be The First 4 People We Send To Mars?

Yahoo - It sounds like a science-fiction fantasy, but the company Mars One says it’s for real—and that it will really establish a settlement on the planet Mars by 2023. The privately financed Dutch company has a plan. All it needs is a lot of cash, equipment and four Mars-bound astronauts who are willing to take a one-way trip to the red planet. The idea is to first send rovers, which will stake out a good site for a settlement and then build out living units. In 2022, the crew will take a “transit habitat” for the seven-month trip to Mars and settle in to their new home. The intention is that the crew will live on the planet for the rest of their lives. Every two years after that, another group will join the settlement to populate the colony. Mars One co-founder Bas Lansdorp has avery modern approach to funding the project: media exposure. “We will finance this mission by creating the biggest media event ever around it.” He said in a company video, adding, “Everybody in the world can see everything that will happen in the preparations and on Mars.” Think of it as a “Big Brother” for outer space. Already, the other-worldly idea has intrigued the Web. The Mars One video has received over 232,000 views on YouTube since it launched less than a week ago. Beyond entertainment, some scientists certainly seem intrigued by the possibility of interplanetary travel. Theoretical physicist and Nobel Prize winner Gerard ‘t Hooft, a “mission ambassador” for Mars One, endorses the plan. He says, “This project seems to be the only way to fulfill humanity’s dream to explore outer space. It’s going to be an exciting experiment.” Next year, according to its website, the company will begin an astronaut selection process. Those who have the right stuff will then undergo a decade of preparation. And, we assume, the Mars travelers will be ready for their out-of-this-world close-up.

First off all, this is a fuckin wacky idea. These guys acting like we’re gonna send people to live on Mars permanently in 10 years is hilarious. Like its already 2012 and we still live in a world where a man dressed in a hat and uniform walks up and down the aisles of Metro North trains clicking our paper tickets with a hole puncher. Dude parades up and down the train calling himself a “conductor.” Yea, sure thing bro. A train conductor is like a dude who shoveled coal into the fire to power a locomotive. You carry a hole puncher.

Anyway, I’m digressing. Point its, its not like we live in a world of flying cars and robots and shit and we’re on the verge of intergalactic colonies. But at the same time a Truman Show on Mars would probably the biggest money maker in the history of television, so lets just assume for the time being they could pull this off. Who should Earth send as the first 4 inhabitants to begin populating Mars?

Obviously I’m the number 1 draft pick. I have my finger on the entire pulse of the male population. I’m educated. I have wit and charm. Humor. And I’m good looking enough that I won’t end up breeding an ugly race of Martians. Its a no brainer.

Especially considering the number 2 pick is Nina Dobrev. Hottest young actress on the planet right now. While my lazy eyed genes may not be the best, she easily makes up for my aesthetic short comings. Together we will begin breeding a planet of fucking gorgeous Martians with the wit, charm, and creativity of Shakespeare.

Number 3 is Mike Tyson. He’s the craziest, most intriguing human to ever walk the planet earth. A physical specimen. A mental catastrophe. He’s the hunter. The warrior. Its a risk bringing a crazy motherfucker who can kill you with his bare hands, but its a risk I’m willing to take. The inhabitants of Mars are going to need a little crazy to spice things up. Can’t have a vanilla planet. So I’m bringing the crazy train with me. Welcome aboard, Iron Mike. Not sure how happy Nina is gonna be sharing a Mars pod with a convicted rapist, but new planet, new leaf.

The 4th person. Now thats the wild card. We’ve already covered brains, beauty, and strength with the first three choices. Whats the 4th? Personally I’d like another girl for Mike to have sex with because I’d really prefer that he didn’t bang Nina. But thats just selfish of me. Do you just pick another dude with valuable traits and maybe get a shipment of all women after 2 years? Or do you pick another woman to be like the motherly care taker of the planet while I bang Nina Dobrev 24 hours, 29 minutes and 35 seconds a day? Tough decision.

Sound off. Whos the 4th?