Columbia Students Getting Mugged By Thieves Stealing Only iPhones, Turning Down Blackberries and Droids

NBC New York - A pair of would-be robbers targeting Columbia students in upper Manhattan seem to be rather picky as they prowl. Twice at 526 114th St., and once at 556 114th St., the suspects demanded the victims hand over their iPhones, police said. The first victim complied, but the second only had a Droid, according to police. The thieves apparently didn’t want a Droid — so they took cash instead. The third victim also didn’t have an iPhone, but the men allegedly refused to believe her and threw her against a fence to search her. ”I think it speaks to the resale value of an iPhone,” one student on the Columbia campus said. In each case, the suspects got away. Police hope someone will recognize them in a newly released surveillance video. The frightening encounters may be the talk of the campus, but students said they were caught somewhere between amusement and alarm. ”It’s insulting they don’t want my BlackBerry,” said a female student. ”I don’t like mine,” said another student. “I’m waiting to get an iPhone myself.”

Even fucking crooks don’t want those lame ass phones for free. Its like the time I offered a homeless man a White Castle burger and he turned it down and said “Nah man, that shit is bad for my cholesteral!” Some things are just so shitty you can’t even give them away for free.

And you know what the funny part is? That Blackberry owner was probably trying to sell the mugger on her Blackberry. Like as soon as he turned it down the chick was probably like “wait wait, come back. You see this fully funtion QWERTY keypad? No touchscreen so you never screw up texting. And what about BBM bro? You can see when your text was delivered and read. And don’t even get me started on email functionality. You wanna link your work email to your phone theres no better device on the market. Seriously, take it man. Steal it. You can have it. Seriously Blackberry is the way to go. I switched to iPhone once and I went right back. Just rob me man.”

And it goes for iPhone users and Droids and all that other shit. Its actually one of my most favorite cultural phenomenons. People for some reason or another act like their phone defines who they are as a human being and they will defend it to the death. You’d think that everyone walking around with an iPhone had stock in Apple or they fucking invented it. Same thing with Blackberry. Its like watching parents argue about who’s kid is smarter or better except the only difference is they actually produced those living things and its not just an electronic piece of equipment that you bought at a store for 200 bucks along with 50 million other people.

Seriously if theres some psychological study or any literature out there I’d love to read up on it. Or maybe I’ll just write my own. Call it “Why the Fuck Do People Get So Defensive About Their Phones And Feel The Need To Prove Their Phone Is Superior To Other Brands?” If people could channel half of their pride and emotion they have about their phones into something productive this world would be a better place. There’d be like no disease or famine. The problems on Wall Street would be fixed. Honestly the world should consider switching to one uniform cell phone across the globe so that the human race doesn’t waste any more time and energy arguing over which cell phone is better.

People Who Complain The Gym Is Too Crowded With New Years Resolutionists Are The Worst People On The Planet

I hate everyone who goes to the gym. Anybody who works out is a sucker. But make no mistake about it – if you’re such a High Horse Gym Douchebag that you openly complain about too many people being at the gym after New Years, then you are the biggest type of dickhead on this planet. Forget about the fact that you’re already a meathead of the highest degree. Forget the fact that you walk around with a gallon of water with fingerless leather gloves grunting like you’re the only person in the room. But now you’re such a fucking whiny prissy meathead you’re complaining that there are too many people in your presence while you lift your weights. Instead of your usual 3 hour gym session now its 3 and a half hours because there are other people around you. Oh no brah! I gotta share the bench with someone whos not as hardcore as I am! Fuck this brah! You’re not as brolic as me! YOU DON’T WORK OUT DURING WARM WEATHER MONTHSSSSSS!

Take a fucking hike you gym rats. Let the fat chicks hit the treadmill for a couple weeks and let the scrawny pale bloggers hit the 10 pound dumbbells for a few weeks and by Groundhog’s Day they’ll be out of gas and you’ll have your precious little gym back. Quit cryin.

Penn State Alums And Players Unhappy With Bill O’Brien Being Hired As New Head Coach

USA Today – Simmering discord among an influential group of former Penn State football players has bubbled over with confirmation that Bill O’Brien will be named to replace Joe Paterno as head coach. The source of dissatisfaction for some members of the Penn State Football Lettermen’s Club is with the hiring process — and specifically aimed at Dave Joyner, interim athletic director and search committee chair, and Ira Lubert, a Penn State graduate and Philadelphia-based investment manager, also a member of the search committee in the wake of the Jerry Sandusky sex abuse scandal. Former Nittany Lions star linebacker Brandon Short told USA TODAY on Thursday night that three Lettermen’s Club members have a meeting scheduled with Joyner Friday in State College, Pa. “There is a tangible standard at Penn State that this poor (O’Brien) guy knows nothing about,” Short said. “I feel badly for him (because) he is clueless and will not have the support of the majority of the Lettermen. This is a hornet’s nest (for him).” “By not hiring (defensive coordinator Tom) Bradley or a Penn Stater what they have effectively done is turn their backs on 100 years of tradition,” Short said. “Penn State never has been about winning football games. They didn’t recruit the best players — they recruited the best people. If you go to Penn State, you have a better chance of graduating.”

Are these people fucking insane??? Seriously I had finally moved on from my Penn State hatred and as soon as they have the opportunity they stir it up again. Is Brandon Short really outraged that Penn State went “outside the family????” Of course they fucking went outside the family and picked a non Penn Stater. Everyone in the goddam family was covering up child rape. You know how you move on from a horrendous sexual abuse scandal? Don’t hire anyone who was there during the horrendous sexual scandal. The “tradition” that he speaks of is one that bred a cult like atmosphere that allowed one of the most famous “Penn Staters” to commit atrocious acts time and time again. I think everyone in the whole fucking world would agree that Penn State needs a little break from their precious “tradition” and needs to take things in a new direction. And to the players complaining its not fair to the previous coaching staff – fair?? You’re worried about fucking fair?? Grow up.

And as far as Bill O’brien not having an outstanding resume – what the fuck did you people think? Did you want Belichick? Did you think Parcells was gonna come out of retirement? Of course Bill O’Brien’s resume sucks. They found the one dude who’s willing to take the worst fucking job in the word. Its like complaining that the janitor you hired to clean toilets doesn’t have strong enough work experience on his resume. Penn State is lucky they found anyone with any sort of respectable job to jump ship and come coach their fucking shit show circus. They picked out the guy who yelled at Tom Brady on the sideline and gave him a head coaching job. Thats as good as its gonna get, folks.

Apparently Having A Cold And Driving Is Just As Bad As Drunk Driving

(Telegraph) - Motorists afflicted by heavy colds or flu suffer a major loss of concentration when behind the wheel, putting themselves and other road users at risk, a new report showed. Car safety experts found a dramatic increase in poor driving when victims of a cold were subjected to scientific tests. Reactions times dropped sharply and sudden braking became much more frequent, as the motorist was less aware of surrounding traffic, while cornering also became erratic. The latest research shows that driving ability is estimated to drop by over 50per cent when motorists are under the weather. This is the equivalent of downing over four double whiskies – a level of driving ability that an insurance company would expect to lead to an accident.

I can 1000% vouch for this. I’m sick as a fucking dog right now. Like the fact I can even walk is making Jordan look like a pussy for hanging his hat on the flu game bullshit for even a second. Every time I sneeze both my arms go numb. That’s not a euphemism. They literally go numb. I don’t even know what it means but I’m pretty sure I’m just sneezing my arms out of their sockets. Anyway I’m sick and have been driving around all day to the doctor’s and getting medicine and shit. And let me tell you, it was fucking DANGEROUS. Like I even noticed that I was swerving all over the fucking place but couldn’t do a thing to stop it. That was before I even read this article, I just knew I was driving like I was four double whiskies deep.

I’ll take it a step further though and just say that having a cold is exactly like being drunk, not just when it comes to driving. The whole thing is one big bender. Stumbling around the house in my sweatpants, haven’t shaved in days, haven’t showered, all I wanna do is eat shitty food, it’s exactly like being hammered except instead of fun shit like hooking up with chicks and dancing all you do is wipe your nose on any piece of cloth in an arms reach.

20 Resolutions For 20-Somethings

• Before you status update, Tweet, Tumble or Instagram, pause and say to yourself, “is it entirely necessary that I share this morsel of thought with my entire social network?”and if the answer is not, “yes, I absolutely must,” then step away from the Internet.
• Know which candidate you’re going to vote for in the upcoming presidential election, and know why.
• If you really like the person you’re hooking up with and would like them to be your boyfriend/ girlfriend, find a way to tell them, and hope for the best. If you don’t and wouldn’t, stop.
• Find a way to save approximately 300 dollars and spend it on a flight to see a friend or family member who lives far away.
• Wear clothes that fit you, especially to work.
• Call someone on the phone at least once a week, and speak to him or her for at least ten minutes.
• Start preparing now to get over the fact that Facebook is probably going to change again in six months. You’re not going to deactivate your account. You don’t know how.
• Wait 30 seconds before you look up a fact you can’t remember on your phone, and try to remember it using your brain. This is what the olden days were like.
• Try that food you think you don’t like but have never actually tried, unless it’s brussels sprouts. They really don’t need any more attention.
• If you’re still blacking out regularly, you should stop.
• Volunteer once over the next 90 days. You’ll feel really good about it, and probably end up volunteering again over the next 275.

Thought Catalog - trimmed it down to 10 because I'm lazy

New Years Resolutions are for people who’s lives suck. You know what I’m changing about my life? Nothing. Because I like living the way I live. Changing shit because you flip a page on the calendar is for suckers. Especially pointless douchey stuff like this.

Before you status update, Tweet, Tumble or Instagram, pause and say to yourself, “is it entirely necessary that I share this morsel of thought with my entire social network?” - I love the people who are like “Twitter and facebook is so stupid! Do I really need to know where you are or what you ate for lunch??” What do you want me to solve math theorems and talk philosophically? Newsflash – Twitter and facebook are for pointless thoughts and stalking hot chicks. No resolution is changing that.

Know which candidate you’re going to vote for in the upcoming presidential election, and know why – Absofuckinglutely not. Voting and politics is for the birds. No matter what people tell you, you have no influence over the election. None. I heard some shit about an Iowa Carcass today? That sounds awful.

If you really like the person you’re hooking up with and would like them to be your boyfriend/ girlfriend, find a way to tell them, and hope for the best – Great advice. If you’re planning to ruin every hook up on the planet earth and stop relationships from ever existing. If you’re a chick and you say this, say goodbye to that dude because he is running for the hills. My advice? Keep hooking up with no strings attached until you absolutely reach a breaking point – then you either crash and burn or start dating. Let nature take its course.

Find a way to save approximately 300 dollars and spend it on a flight to see a friend or family member who lives far away. - I got good friends who live 50 blocks away who I never see anymore because its too far from me. If you think I’m saving 300 bucks to visit someone out of town you are outside of your mind.

Wear clothes that fit you, especially to work. – What are people still wearing Jnco Jeans around town? People still rocking oversized Fubu and Phat Farm hoodies? This woulda been a great resolution for 1997.

Call someone on the phone at least once a week, and speak to him or her for at least ten minutes. – Talking on the phone is undoubtedly the worst thing in the world. Except for an emergency or during work, anything that needs to be said can definitely be conveyed in a text message. Anyone who calls me “just to chat,” especially for 10 fucking minutes, is nothing more than a pain in my ass. If your resolution is to bother all your friends with pointless phone calls, have at it.

Start preparing now to get over the fact that Facebook is probably going to change again in six months. You’re not going to deactivate your account. You don’t know how. – Valid point, carry on.

Wait 30 seconds before you look up a fact you can’t remember on your phone, and try to remember it using your brain. – Yea fuckin right. Let me just go ahead and trust my tiny, polluted brain over Google. Let me just lose tons of bets by trying to “remember” things and lose tons of Words With Friends games trying to “spell words.” Great resolution. If you need me I’ll be the guy using my phone to look shit up and cheat through life.

Try that food you think you don’t like but have never actually tried. – Ah, a classic piece of douchey advice. Half these lists tell you that life is too short, do what you enjoy. The other half tells you to torture yourself by doing stuff you already know you probably won’t like. Choking down food you don’t like is not a resolution. Just a surefire way to not enjoy your meals. Ain’t nothin wrong with knowing yourself and being consistent

If you’re still blacking out regularly, you should stop. - Oh my. Where do I begin. Look I’m not gonna sit here and pretend to be some frat bro douche telling you if you aren’t blacking out you aren’t partying. But nobody likes the chick who’s ordering a white wine at the bar while everyone else is binging on Bud Lights. Nobody likes the dude who is looking down his nose ordering a water and a lemon while you enjoy yourself. So go ahead with your “I’m not gonna party hard” resolutions and when you have no friends by February you have nobody to blame but yourself.

Volunteer once over the next 90 days. You’ll feel really good about it, and probably end up volunteering again over the next 275. - 90 days! Jesus I thought they’d start with like a week. Listen homeless people are gross. Old people are gonna die. Who else is there really to volunteer for? Kids? Sure thing Jerry Sandusky. Have fun volunteering. Just be a grown up and let teachers and nurses and shit help the less fortunate. You’re not becoming a hero.

My New Years Resolution for 2012 is to not make promises to myself I know I won’t keep. Done and done.