Crazy Russians Bungee Sledding Off A Roof

VIDEO


I have a question. Is there fucking anything to do in Russia? They’re always climbing on giant towers and flying off of rooftops and shit. Get drunk and try to hook up. Those are forms of entertainment that arent life threatening. For the most part.

Anyway, is there any doubt that this chick just wants to hang out and be one of the gang and this is the kinda shit they make her do? Kinda like Sweet D from Its Always Sunny or Angelina with Pauly Vinny and Situation in the Jersey Shore. If you’re gonna always come around and ruin the group dynamic and bother us during the game and make it awkward when we’re trying to talk about fucking chicks, then we’re throwing your ass off the roof, guinea pig. Hope “being one of the gang” is worth our flying off the top of this skyscraper in our makeshift bungee sled you annoying bitch.

Has Everyone Checked Out ESPN W?

ESPN W – espnW is a destination for women who are passionate sports fans and athletes. We hope you find it surprising, informative and inspiring, because we created it just for you. We welcome your thoughts.

Now sure, it seems a little weird to give women an entire website dedicated to sports. I mean how can they write about something they should never be doing in the first place? You might as well go ahead and make a website about women voting or leaving the kitchen.

But if you’ve come here looking for me to bash on espnW like some sort of sexist pig, you’ve come to the wrong place my friends. I’m not gonna make fun of espnW for the same reason I didn’t make fun of chicks in Middle School. You never know how things are gonna shake out in the future. That awkward girl in 6th grade with glasses and braces could easily be a smoke by the time she’s 20, you know what I’m saying? So sure, I’m not gonna go ahead and make espnW my homepage, but who knows what the future holds for me and these broads. Say what you want, but you’ll understand my master plan when I get invited down to espnW Headquarters for photoshoots and interviews and group sex all because I was nice to them.

Plus if you google that chick Sarah Spain who does a lot of writing for them she’s got pictures with MJ and a great rack. How can I knock that?

PS – espnW – when you send me an invite to come sit down with you girls, I’m politely requesting you send Summer Sanders to take care of me. I’ll show her my Inside Stuff. Get it?

True Or False My Dickhead Roomate Owes Me $20?

Just wrapped up watching the Syracuse game and after watching it I decided I’d make it rain. Started tossing paper towels in the garbage can and I went like 5-5 before my roommate decided to doubt me. Put $20 on the line that I couldn’t make another. So, I clarify whether I can go glass or not, shake on it, and I let it fly. Like Tim Duncan I knock that shit off the backboard and I sink it. So my skunk roommate takes one look, and of course being the sheisty snake that he is, he tells me this is no good.

NO GOOD? Is he fucking serious? This is 200% buckets. Like we are screaming at each other whether this qualifies. Of course its gonna sit on the piece of the mechanical top. Its filled with fucking garbage. I can’t defy physics and gravity. Of course its gonna bounce off of the garbage already in the can. Long story short, if the can is full, any shot that doesn’t hit the ground counts. Anyone who says otherwise is not only an idiot but they are probably also gay.

Dude In SoHo Selling $900 Christmas Trees

NY Daily News – A lot in the heart of SoHo is selling jumbo-sized trees at prices that would clean out Ebenezer Scrooge’s pockets. Timber hawker Scott Lechner, 53, charges as much as $900 for Christmas trees he ships from the Blue Mountains in North Carolina to his temporary business on Sixth Ave. and Spring St. “A regular tree is beautiful, but one of our jumbos is majestic,” Lechner said Saturday. “It’s not just a tree, it’s an experience. And it’s worth every penny.” While most shoppers would spit out eggnog in disbelief at the prices, Lechner said he’s making bank off his branches. Since opening shop Friday, he has sold 40 trees between 12 and 17 feet in height. A 12-foot Fraser fir retails for about $400, and a 17-footer goes for $900. His clients have been celebrities, a Facebook executive and SoHo residents. Lechner said his prices are high because the trees come to his lot within 96 hours of being cut. “People sometimes come up to me and complain about my prices,” Lechner said. “I tell them, ‘Go try to find a better tree at a better price.’ You can’t.”

Nothin says Christmas spirit like robbing motherfuckers blind! You know how much my Christmas tree costs? Zero dollars. Thats because I pop my shit out of the same cardboard box every year and put together those plastic branches like a goddam puzzle. Fake tree for life bitches. And people who get all up in arms about that shit can suck it. Real trees are for the birds. #1 thing people say to me is “Jonathan, what about the smell!” What about it? Real trees smell like a dirty forest. Awesome. Thats just what I want me living room to smell like. And they shed needles all over the place, and to be perfectly honest they arent conducive to hanging lights or ornaments. My fake tree is a perfect triangle with about 80,000 branches and not a single empty patch. I deck that shit out with colored lights and, because I’m still hoping to get into heaven one day, an angel on top. Straight fire. Another good thing about fake trees? They won’t burn your fucking house down. So all you real tree advocates can sit around in your dirty Pine Sol living rooms with your $900 Charlie Brown Christmas bushes. I’ll be the guy with the perfect Christmas Tree with $900 in my pocket.

“Thunder Shin” Attempts Bat-Breaking World Record. Breaks Exactly 0 Bats.

VIDEO

Look I don’t know why the fuck there were so many people at this dojo. I don’t know what exactly the competition is or where or when. Frankly I don’t care. But what I do know is if you name yourself “Thunder Shin” and get the crowd on their feet chanting for you to break some bats then proceed to break exactly 0 bats you should have to lie on some cinder blocks and let everyone in the audience take turns kicking you in the face. It’s only fair.

Oprah is Ridiculous

VIDEO

Jesus tap dancing Christ. Bitches just going WILD for Oprah and all her shit. Like a bunch of goddam piranhas in a frenzy at feeding time. You see the one chick at the 0:45 mark? You can easily read her lips and see her say “I’m gonna drop dead.” And I legit believe her. I bet that bitch is dead. And people were too busy cheering and hugging each other for their diamond watches and their world vacations to even realize someone was dead. Just stepped right over a corpse on the way to collecting all their shit. Don’t get me wrong, I’d be pretty fuckin excited if a billionaire decided to give me like $50,000 worth of shit, but this is insane. Its also 200% the reason why terrorists attack us. So, yea, laugh it up folks. HO HO HO says Oprah. Too bad you didn’t give iPads to everyone in Al Qeada. Maybe then they wouldn’t fuckin kill us.

Anyway, you’re all in luck today. Today is Jonathan's Favorite Things here on Barstool. Everyone reading today will receive all of my favorite things and noteworthy products which I think are essential for everyone.

1. Eleven Stray Beers From My Fridge

I’ll be honest, its a freakin Christmas Miracle when I wake up and there is still beer left in my fridge. Let alone eleven of them. Everyone reading today receives 11 Bud Lights

2. Cream Cheese

I love cream cheese almost as much as I love provolone cheese. Boom. Everyone reading recieves free cream cheese

3. Dual Cheese Cheez Its

Never again will you have to choose between cheddar and parmesean. Best idea since Kramerica invented ketchup and mustard in the same bottle. Free.

4. Twix Ice Cream Bar

I’m not even kidding when I say that these fucking things changed my life forever. Had my first one ever right before I left for Spain about 4 months ago and I found them here and I haven’t stopped eating them since. They are life-alteringly delicious.

Merry Christmas you filthy animals.

Men Forever Destined To Be Slaves To The Pull Of Women

There are a few things that I think women should know about men. As a man myself, one who is well-versed in the way of the heterosexual male, I feel as though it's my duty to perform this service. Sort of like being in the Army.

Women, you must know, men don't exist without you. And I don't mean that in the literal "you are the givers of life" way. No, I'm referring to the fact that basically everything we do revolves around the hope or promise that you're involved.

Let's start with general upkeep. I'd venture most men would most likely never shave if women weren't around. Some men (read: me) have already stopped. I'd imagine the only time a man would shave would be when it becomes uncomfortable to do the only thing we truly care about besides women - sleep.

Brushing of teeth. Let's be honest. If men knew there was no way they'd run into a woman all day, they might seriously consider leaving the house without brushing. I'm not calling them sinners. I'm calling them human.

The way a man puts himself together, even with women around, is in such stark contrast to the way a woman puts herself together that it really blows my mind.

Women, in a matter of hours, get up, get ready, put makeup on, fix their hair and choose an outfit with matching accessories. It's enough to make you want to shoot yourself in the head.

If men had to go through that process for a week, we'd see an extreme dip in the male population of this fine society. I wore a Boston Red Sox baseball jersey a week ago. It took me nearly two-and-a-half hours to decide that I could, in fact, wear a red shirt underneath it.

Still, I take a look around campus and I notice things that women put on, things they wear or add to their outfits that really are just either stupid or unnecessary.

First of all, those ridiculous Hubble Spacecraft sun glasses. I don't know if the Charlotte Hornet look (Google Charlotte Hornet, if you need a mirror check) is what you're going for, but you're not doing anyone any favors.

Plus, there's that extra second a girl might take to decide what shoes to wear. Let me tell you this. A guy isn't going home after a night at Chuck's or some random party and fantasizing about what sort of shoes you had on. ("Bro, did you see the way those Coach shoes framed her thighs?") Or the sort of eyeliner you wear. There's really only a few areas we concentrate on. You know what I'm talking about.

Don't get me wrong. Women are beautiful creatures. At least most of you are. Some of you are conniving, beautiful creatures.
That being said, it seems to me just about everything men do is geared toward getting women. We wouldn't go out to go and drink if there wasn't the possibility that women would be there. No, we'd stay home, with one hand in our pants and the other on the remote (or a drink). Sad, I know, but it's that simple.

Men might even walk around naked if women weren't around. You know what I mean if you've ever been in a men's locker room, anywhere, and seen a flopping Johnson. Honestly, we really don't care. Hell, penis envy wouldn't exist if there wasn't a use for it outside of urination.

And, just so you know, women, most men I know do spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about how to get women. It's not all one-sided. We do have those ridiculous conversations analyzing what to do. Not every guy is Jean-Claude Van Damme, with an angelic voice, of course.

If women weren't around, men would have so much more time on our hands, I don't think we would know what to do with ourselves. I'd imagine I'd play a lot more Super Nintendo. Or, at the very least, I'd watch my friends play a lot more Super Nintendo.

So, what have we learned? Probably nothing. But, I don't intend to educate. Merely to inform. If that makes any sense, I'll end with something that might make less sense. In the words of the prophet Rhymefest, "Oh, you don't think you need game? Homie, you'd better have it, because women cheat like you, only they're better at it."

Doctors Tell Dude He Has Three Months To Live So He Blows All His Money. Guess What Happens Next.

(Newser) – Comedian Dave Ismay thought he was dying for 10 weeks, so he went about completing his “bucket list”—which included such extravagant entries as buying a $41,000 Mercedes—only to find out doctors got his diagnosis wrong. Ismay, who preformed with English comic Bob Monkhouse for 20 years, was told liver cirrhosis caused by alcohol would kill him in three months, but doctors later realized he actually has a treatable hereditary condition. “To be told you only have three months left to live really focuses your mind and brings everything into perspective,” Ismay tells the Daily Mail. His list included playing golf at Ireland’s K Club, auditioning for a local pantomime production, and writing a book about his experiences with Monkhouse. He may have blown through his savings, but he also completed the book—so perhaps a book deal will restore some of his money.

Whoops! That’s gotta be the worst “my bad” of all time, no? “You drank yourself to death just kidding you need to take some more Flinstones and you’ll be good.” Thanks doc! Almost as bad as when that dude killed himself when he thought he was going to jail and it turned out to be not guilty. What a diagnosis too. If some doc told me I had liver cirrohsis from too much booze I’d have no choice to be like “welp, that sounds about right. Hey, Intern that doesn't exist, fetch me my Bucket List!” Sometimes I think about just starting up my bucket list all on my own even without a doctor’s diagnosis. I mean it doesn’t take a degree from Harvard Med School to tell me that at the rate I’m going I’m not gonna live a full and healthy life.

Anyway, what a disaster of a bucket list for this guy. I’ll give him writing a book, thats dope. Other than that, this list fuckin sucks. “Appear in a pantomime play?” Yea dude before the grim reaper comes for me I wanna make sure I’m in a fuckin puppet show too. Buy a Mercedes? Fuck that. Once the new car smell wears off nobody cares about cars. Visit Oz? Is this some foreign joke I’m not getting or is this guy trying to be creative and metaphorical and say he wants to visit the Emerald City? Either way, still sucks.

You wanna know my bucket list? #1 on my list is now to make sure I don’t have a joke of a doctor so this shit doesnt happen. #2 – Appear on the Price is Right. Preferably with an appearance on Plinko, and spinning a dollar on the Wheel. Guess you can’t really ensure those things happen but just get my name to be the next called to “come on down” and your boy will take it from there. #3 watch Kunal and Petty joust American Gladiators style on two pedestals set up in Times Square. #4 through infinity – Rub and Tugs all day err day.

Then I’d die a happy man. Nice and relaxed with roughly $20,000 after my Plinko and Wheel performances to leave for Petty to get some plastic surgery and peace of mind knowing once and for all who sucks the most – Petty or Kunal.

To Hook Up With Ugly Chicks Or Hot Chicks?

So just like me, it's my buddies last year of college and after aiming too high for most of him career, he started with the “you gotta slay a few dragons to get to the princess motto.” After bumping uglies with a girl with a broken leg and then one with braces (she said she was 20) and then a girl with the body that was like used parts from a Ferrari but the motor of a KIA, he finally landed a dime piece. Long story short the dime probably realized he had the physique of Gumby. So, he raised this question to me - since everyone knows fat girls do weigh more should he continue to land girls who are probably members of ACLU or use his new found confidence and continue to be a dick to girls and use the compelling power of four lokos to have glory days stories?

A classic debate. A philosophical argument that our father’s father’s and their father’s before them sturggled with. I’m pretty sure Socrates and Plato discussed whether to fuck fat chicks or hold out for the bitchy smokeshows in The Dialogs.

Now you’re probably saying “Bro, are you serious? Who would ever fuck a fat chick instead of a hot chick?” On the surface, obviously, if you have a hefty broad and a smoke staring you in the face and its as easy as picking the hot chick, we all know the choice. Don’t need my advice or anyone elses to answer that question. But if I’m understanding my boy here, and I think I am, this question is more about your approach then the actual end results. He is Everyman. Meaning he fits the Bell Curve – most of his hook ups are in the 6,7,range, a very rare 8, maybe one 9. On the opposite side, it sounds like he bit the bullet and hooked up with a couple FOOTs (Four/Five Out Of Ten) and we’re definitely calling that chick with a broken leg a 3 out of 10. I don’t care if she looked pretty decent if you’re wearing a cast you’re an automatic 3. If you’re f’ing 1s and 2s, you cannot be helped

Ok, so we’ve painted the picture here, now lets get to the question. There’s the Wide and Crooked (see what I did there?) Path – Not-so-great-looking chicks who are probably a ton of fun, easy to hang out with, easy to get into bed, and will probably work for it like a champ. You’re taking quantity over quality here, and you probably aren’t walking away with bragging material. But you’re definitely gonna hook up with lots of chicks, and have a ton of stories – good, bad, embarrassing, and hilarious. Then there’s the Straight and Narrow – smokes. Most likely the bitchy kind. Act like they are hot shit because every dude since they were 14 have told them that. Going to take serious effort, and unless you have serious game, probably a considerable amount of luck. Which path to choose?

I say choose no path at all. Limiting yourself to the Straight and Narrow is like playing lottery every day but not having any sort of steady paycheck. Yea, there’s a chance you hit the Power Ball and you fuck a 10, but chances are you’re just gonna go broke and starve to death because you don’t have a normal job like the rest of us. Sticking just the Wide and Crooked is like working you’re 9-5 day in and day out and not even bothering to buy a Mega Millions ticket. Sure, every 2 weeks, you get that direct deposit and pay all your bills with that 5 or 6 out of ten, but you’re never really fulfilled. Never really proud of yourself and you got nothing to hang your hat on. In summation, go out and see what the night gives you. Let the game come to you. If that night throws you dragons, fuck dragons. If you find a princess that wants to fuck Gumby because she’s probably on the rebound, well then you’re the lucky winner. Whats that phrase about shooting for the moon and landing with the stars? I say shoot for the smokeshows and if you fail you’ll always land amongst the fat chicks. But always take down something rather than eating pizza with your boys. I’ve always been more of a story teller than a bragger.

How Many Days In A Row Do You Think You Could Eat Street Meat?

So throughout the years I’ve been around men who act like children and play games and contests and all that shit just to make every minute that much less miserable on their way to collecting a paycheck. Shit like challenging each other to preposterous bets. Well, a buddy of mine who is interning in NYC for the semester is currently in the midst of quite possibly my favorite challenge/bet of all time. Dude has to eat street meat every single day for lunch for the entire month of November, and his roommate will pay for it every single day. Only stipulation is that it can’t be any of those chicken kebabs because those are kind of legit, and every now and then he gets a bonus and he’s allowed to get a Double Down from KFC. For the past 2 weeks he’s eaten nothing but dirty water dogs and those gross lamb platters and all that junk. Every day, his roommate slaps a 5 dollar bill down on his desk, my boy chows down on some Grade F monkey meat, and provides a weekly email update of his street meat progress:

Thursday Oct 28- 6th and 53rd. $4- Lamb Platter and rice **** comes with bread, pretty good lamb, good sauce. Can’t complain about this dish. Also separate guy preparing food to taking cash.

Friday Oct 29- 7th and 49th. $4 Lamb Gyro *** In a Pita, pretty decent. Place seemed moderately clean. Offered a lot of options for food

Mon Nov 1- 8th and 51st. $5 Chicken over Rice. **** Chicken was excellent. Seemed somewhat clean, a little more limited in the options, but put some fresh green pepper in- so seems like I made the healthy choice today.

Tuesday Nov 2- 7th and 50th SE Corner- $6 3 hotdogs (hot water dogs)** Dude was real grimy about it, almost took pride counting out the change with his plastic gloves on. Also got the buns extremely moist/soggy. Sub par dog experience.

Wednesday Nov 3- 7th and 56th SW Corner- $4.50 3 jumbo dogs. *** highlights of this place were cleanliness of ice, having relish, dry jumbo dogs on a heating pan, as well as $1 water dogs. Hot dogs unfortunately seemed very thick skinned and weren’t good, but at least the buns weren’t moist today- I may be back on water dogs soon…

Thursday Nov 4- 7th and 51st NE Corner- $8.50 Jerk Chicken over Rice ***** Went to the Jamaican Dutchy in the pouring rain. Not only did it appear clean the chicken was ridiculously good, I’m not a big rice guy, but that wasn’t bad either, and a little fried plantain as well should keep me running on all cylinders. Great Day.

Friday Nov 5- $6 *** Water dogs from 7th and 50th, NW Corner. This guy cooks a mean water dog. Shakes it off pretty well leaving the bun absent of moisture- even in the cold weather.

Mon Nov 8- $6 ** Water dogs from 48th and Broadway SW corner. A little bit wet, kind of dirty

Tuesday Nov 9- $6 **** Lamb over Rice from 50th and 6th Ave SW Corner. Standard fair, pretty good.

Wednesday Nov 10- $5 **** Chicken over Rice from 50th and 6th Ave NW corner- appeared to be the exact same as yesterday, but a dollar cheaper.

Thursday Nov 11- $6 ** 3 water dogs from 50th and Broadway NW Corner. Pretty shoddy dogs. Guy used no gloves and was on cell phone… Didn’t taste horrible, but I expect more from my dog vendors.

Friday Nov 12- $4 **** 2 water dogs at 50th and 7th NW corner, as well as $7 for a chicken double down from KFC. The double down was delectable. And the dogs were standard fare- on the good side for sure as this came from my favorite water dog vendor so far. Probably shouldn’t eat these double downs every day though, got to watch out for the health.

Sickest part of this whole deal is if he makes it through November, the month of December will be all McDonalds. His roommate said he will deliver free Micky D’s to his desk every day for the next month. My boy hasn’t even missed a beat. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him healthier actually. Part of me thinks he’s just always eaten rat meat and now he just found some sucker who’s willing to pay him to do it. Pretty remarkable in a disgusting, impoverished sort of way. I think I could do about 1 week before I gave in and just paid for my own lunch like a normal human. But that McDonalds at the end of the rainbow is a pretty enticing goal.

Anyway, time to vote. Do you think you could eat street meat for an entire month straight?

NFL Wives Start Club To Stop Husbands From Cheating

ABC – Keeping a man honest is a noble goal — and a tough one if your husband is an NFL player. Traded from team to team, they work grueling schedules and have little time at home with their wives or significant others. And there are women who would do anything to snag a good-looking athlete as a trophy. Minnesota Vikings star Brett Favre has been accused of sending photos of his private parts to a New York Jets’ game hostess when he was their quarterback in 2008. Just last spring, former New York Giants player Tiki Barber left his wife Ginny for 23-year-old NBC intern Traci Lynn Johnson. At the time, Barber’s wife was 8-months pregnant with twins. So how to keep players on the straight and narrow? Tia Robbins, wife of St. Louis defensive tackle Fred Robbins, has launched a company, Off the Market, with Jerika Johnstone, wife of former NFL player Lance Johnstone and Jasmine Silva, girlfriend of St. Louis Rams safety James Butler. Off the Market sponsors invitation-only gatherings for NFL couples, allowing them to socialize on the road, bonding others so they can sustain a “positive, healthy, sexy, fun relationship.” “When we got married, it was a huge commitment for both of us,” said Robbins. “We were wondering how we could keep this marriage fresh and fun and rewarding.” The wives also want to create a haven for committed couples – so their husband’s don’t stray. “We can’t keep anyone from being unfaithful,” said Robbins, who is expecting her first child in June. “But we can create the environment.”

You know what I think Tia Robbins is on to something here. How much free time does an NFL player have during the season? 4 hours? 5? OK now let’s take 3.5 of those hours and have some book club meeting where we sit around the fireplace and talk about having a positive healthy and fun relationship. I think that’s what football players like to do right? Talk about their feelings and emotions with their partner? Hmm this could work. Unless of course you’re of the mindset that the best way to keep your man happy is to fuck and blow him constantly after 3-a-days. I know it sounds crazy but some people might think keeping your husband happy sexually might work better at preventing cheating than dragging him to Martha’s house for a cupcake party.

Seriously can somebody tell this bitch Tia Robbins to get over herself? Like yeah no shit your husband doesn’t cheat lady. He’s on the Rams. Probably don’t see too many Giants’ wives on the Off The Market Facebook fan page seeing as they pretty much just accept when you’re on the best team in the NFL you’re knee deep in pussy 24/7 on the road. Or knee deep in asshole if you were Strahan. But either way if an athlete who spends 50% of his time on the road is gonna cheat he’s gonna cheat. You probably can’t avoid it and certainly not with invitation-only spouses counseling gatherings. Sorry football wives but then again I think you knew what you were getting into when you married a pro athlete and keep cashing in his million dollar paychecks

How Far Do You Think You Could Hit A Golf Ball Down 3rd Avenue?

Big heated debate yesterday amongst myself and my crew of retards. My delusional roommate thinks he can hit a golf ball EIGHTY city blocks down 3rd ave. 80. Eight zero. Has to be the stupidest comment of all time, right? Dumbest debate I’ve had since people doubted if I could walk to Florida or get away with murdering someone in Manhattan.

We’re gonna say that a city block is roughly 1/20th of a mile. I’d say thats fair. 20 blocks in a mile. 1/20th of a mile is 264 feet. So 80 blocks is 21,120 feet. To translate that into golf terms thats 7,040 yards. Or if you want to really put things in perspective, four miles.

My roommate thinks he can drive a golf ball four miles.

Couple things you gotta remember – He’s talking about how much bounce he’d get off the concrete and the sides of buildings and shit and we gave him the caveat that it wouldn’t just hit the back of a car or something and get stuck. Now, he’s 100% correct in saying that a golf ball will bounce for days on concrete. I remember I used to hit golf balls with baseball bats and tennis racquets and they’d go to the motherfuckin moon. But there’s simply no chance you can hit a golf ball four miles. That's like going from Grand Central to 125th street. More or less you’re hitting a ball the entire useful portion of Manhattan.

If he hits a shot square 300 yards, thats roughly 3 blocks. He’d need 77 blocks of roll. You’re legitimately insane if you think that can happen. I said he could hit it about 8 blocks. Which might be a little bit on the low side. This may be the stupidest conversation I’ve ever had.

I’m Sick And Tired Of These Monkey Fighting Crocodiles, On This Monday to Friday Plane!

Congo - A STOWAWAY crocodile on a flight escaped from its carrier bag and sparked an onboard stampede that caused the flight to crash, killing 19 passengers and crew. The croc had been hidden in a passenger’s sports bag – allegedly with plans to sell it – but it tore loose and ran amok, sparking panic. A stampede of terrified passengers caused the small aircraft to lose balance and tip over in mid-air during an internal flight in the Democratic Republic of Congo. The unbalanced load caused the aircraft, on a routine flight from the capital, Kinshasa, to the regional airport at Bandundu, to go into a spin and crash into a house. A lone survivor from the Let 410 plane told the astonishing tale to investigators. Ironically the crocodile also survived the crash but was later killed with a machete by rescuers sifting through the wreckage.

Gotta love the Congo, huh? I can’t even walk in the door at JFK with some goddam sunscreen in a carry on but if you’re cruising from Kinhasa to Bandundu just stow your fucking crocodile in the overhead compartment and you’re good to go. This is your captain speaking – please make sure to fasten your seat belts, keep your tray in the upright position and make sure your poached crocodiles stay securely fastened so there’s no chaos resulting in a fiery death crash for everyone on board. Fucking Congo, all you’re good for is talking gorillas and laser guns and diamonds.

That croc probably thought he was a free man too. Escaped from his cage, survived the crash, ready to just waddle away from the wreckage back to the Lost City of Zinj and bingo bango you’re hacked to pieces with a machete.

PS – You couldn’t pay me to get on one of those planes that are so tiny you need to distribute the weight in order to fly. We’re gonna go thousands of feet in the air and if the fatso sitting on the wing sneezes or takes a dump our plane is fucked? Thanks but no thanks.

I Would Give Cliff Lee $325 Million Over 10 Years

“Cliff Lee is human. He has given up runs before,” said Yankee Manager Joe Girardi testily. “I don’t think we’re in trouble.”

Um, Strike 1, 2 and 3. Another K for the Yankees. Because Errday Cliff is For Sure NOT human, I don’t think he’s ever given up a run, and the Yankees are most certainly in trouble.

I’m trying to remember the last time I saw a pitcher tear it up in the postseason like this and I can’t because its NEVER HAPPENED IN MY LIFETIME. You gotta go back to Christy Mathewson who pitched in like 1756. 3-0, 24 IPs, 34 Ks, 1 BB. 7-0 career in the postseason with a 1.26 ERA and 3 wins over the Yankees. As a bitter Mets fan with a Yankees inferiority complex Clifton Phifer Lee has sidled right up along side Curt Schilling as one of my favorite Yankee Killers ever.

Hey does anyone remember that time Cliff Lee was so bad he was sent to the MINORS? How the fuck did that happen? Dude was so bad in 2007 he was temporarily kicked out of the majors. Cliff Lee was pitching so poorly that he was getting treated like Oliver Perez. Think about that for a moment. Now he’s being mentioned in the same sentenced as Bob Gibson and Sandy Koufax and he’s going to get like 200 zillion dollars. Like who the fuck was the pitching coach on that minor league ball club? Somebody get me that guy. Oh and here’s a fun little tidbit for literally every single fan of every single other team other than the Rangers – in order to send Errday Cliff down, he had to pass through waivers unclaimed. Every franchise in baseball had the chance to claim him and they just passed. He was on a 3 year, $14 million contract, but I guess that 5 million per year price tag was just too much. That stings almost as the Yankees refusing to part with secondary prospects to land him at the trade deadline.

And the worst part is, the next time dude pitches in the Bronx he’ll be sitting in the first base dugout.

11 Year Old Narc’s On His Parents For Smoking Weed

MATTHEWS, NC (WBTV) – Two parents are facing drug charges after their child took their drugs to school and told a school officer his parents were breaking the law. The 11-year-old student is in 5th grade at a an elementary school in Matthews. Police say he brought his parents’ marijuana cigarettes to school when he reported them. Matthews Police say he reported his parents after a lesson about marijuana was delivered by a police officer who is part of the D.A.R.E. program, which teaches kids about the dangers of drugs, alcohol, and tobacco. Police say both the 11-year old and a sibling have been removed from the parents’ house by social services. Police say they are staying with relatives.

Hey Bobby, make sure you grab some extra coloring books to keep yourself entertained for the next few years while you’re living with your new foster parents in a foster house full of 25 other degenerate kids. Maybe your sense of pride in community service will keep you warm at night on the cot in the basement you share with 4 other people. I mean has anything ever been less worth it? Like congratulations you just got an A in DARE. Now watch as we haul your parents off to jail from the view out of the back of the social services van. Maybe in a year if you’re lucky we’ll let you go back to live with your parents where I’m sure your dad will immediately beat the fuck out you for wasting his weed. Snitches get stitches Bobby. Remember that.

See this is exactly why I hate kids and never want to have any. Because they are scumbags. Like bringing them into this world and ruining your life isn’t enough. Like never having money anymore isn’t enough. Like not being able to go on normal vacations or going out to dinner or fuck your wife anymore isn’t enough? Like not being able to sleep through the night isn’t enough? Like cleaning up their shit isn’t enough. Nope. Now they’re going to fucking rat you out to the cops. Let me ask you this. You think a dog would narc on your ass for smoking a little dope? No fucking way. A dog would swallow that shit before turning you over to the pigs. It’s all about loyalty and respect. Kids have none. That’s why I’m a dog guy.

Is This Brett Favre Cock Story Really National News?

I had to weigh in on the Deadspin/Brett Favre/Jen Sterger cock story that is once again dominating the news. First of all kudos to Deadspin. After all if you’re going to talk the talk you better produce the cock and he did. So congrats to Deadspin.

But licking Deadspin’s taint isn’t the point of this blog. Instead I’m amazed at what a big story this is. Front page news not only on smut blogs like Barstool, but ESPN, CNN, Boston.com etc are all covering it. Supposedly even the NFL is investigating these allegations. In other words people are treating this like real news. Like it’s Watergate or something. Umm what am I missing? Dude sent pictures of his cock to Jen Sterger. Who wouldn’t do that in Brett Favre’s situation? I mean I fucking despise Favre, but I ain’t holding this against him. Jenn Sterger has made her career being a football groupie. She probably has a library full of cock pictures on her cell phone. So this is just what you do to bitches like this. You sext them your junk and then try to fuck them. Seriously if the NFL is going to start investigating guys who sent unsolicited pictures of their cocks to chicks than 97% of the league will be suspended. It’s just how it goes. Because what’s that old expression? You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. Well same goes with sexting whores.

In fact the only remotely surprising part of this story for me is that we’re still supposed to believe Jen Sterger turned Favre down. I just can’t get over that. It seems preposterous. Or is it possible that Sterger is smarter than I give her credit for? Instead of just banging Favre she led him on, kept all the voicemails, kept the pictures of his cock and waited till she was ready to start her own website to “anonymously” leak them to deadspin. If that’s the case Bravo slut. Bravo.

PS – I don’t know why but my favorite part of this whole fiasco is listening to every news outlet dance around what actually happened when they talk about this. They just call it the Brett Favre story or issues or allegations. We’re all big boys here. Dude sent pictures of his genitalia to a whore. Say it. SAY IT!

Double PS – Did people catch that little tidbit during last night’s game when they said Jenn Sterger’s representatives were now discussing the best way to handle all this. IE – Cue the Oprah, Barbara Walters, Entertainment Tonight “I didn’t ask for this type of treatment, I was just trying to do my job sob story” Shut up slut! Your entire life is based on selling sex and tickling guys balls. You know it. I know it. Everybody knows it. So spare me the little miss innocent routine.

First Lady Won't Get Off My Ass About My Room

The First Lady has been in my asshole lately about cleaning my room and it’s really starting to piss me of. Like I admit it. My room is gross. But to quote Rocky in Rocky IV “it’s my life” Plus, it can’t be cleaned. It’s dead. It’s like when a hurricane hits a little Caribbean island. No point in rebuilding. You just got to move on. I know I have. I just sit in my chair like a scene from Apocalypse Now and crank out the blogs. So if it doesn’t bother me why should it bother her? It’s not like she goes in there. It’s not like she has to look at it. I just shut the door and go commando style. What happens in the blogging jungle is none of her business. Sometimes it makes me thing I need to find a mistress who gets me. Someone who will appreciate me for just bringing the funny and wanting to fuck. Is that too hard to find?

Why Is The First Round Of The MLB Playoffs Best Of 5?

To say that it makes no sense that the first round of the baseball playoffs are best of 5 instead of 7 would be one of the gross understatements of our generation. Seriously how is this possible? You play a 162 game season and then you play a best of 5? It makes no sense on any level. Is it because of the weather concerns in eastern cities? Like two extra days will make that big of a difference? It just doesn’t seem fair that you fight for so long to get in the playoffs and then you blink and it’s over. Series like SF vs. Atlanta and Tampa vs. Texas deserve to go 7. I mean what if the Sox vs. Yankees in 2004 was best of 5? The course of history would have been changed forever. Yeah I know teams from the same division can’t play in the first round, but still. All playoffs series in all sports should be Best of 7, but especially baseball. Anything else is just idiotic. Does anybody have any argument against this? It bothers the shit out of me.

Should Cheerleaders Be Allowed To Cheer With Knee Braces?

So I was watching South Carolina beat Alabama on Saturday and they showed this chick wearing a full blown knee brace on the sidelines. I guess I kind of respect her heart for being out there, but at some point you’re just hurting the team. Like I’m sorry honey, but knee braces just totally ruin the sexy vibe and defeats the whole purpose of being a cheerleader in the first place. I mean you might as well just be ugly at this point. Therefore I think the NCAA needs to institute some sort of rule to prevent shit like this in the future. If cheerleaders need to wear them then they shouldn’t be allowed to cheer on game day. It’s for everybody’s own protection.

Kneejerk Reactions to 4 Days In October

Anyway I just watched 4 Days in October like everybody else in New England and thought it was borderline perfect. The best 30 for 30 by a mile. So without further ado here are my reactions to it in no particular order.

1. I guess I’ll start with the only negative. The banter between Bill Simmons and Lenny Clarke was brutal.. Like we get it guys. You’re both from Boston. Well Simmons is from Greenwhich but whatever. The point is they brought absolutely nothing to the table. They just threw one cliche after another at each other and then played who can top this with awkward fake laughter. And for the love of the god would you take a fucking sip of your brew already? Seriously what is the point of making it seem like you’re shooting the shit over a coupled drinks at a bar if you’re not going to touch them?

2. I love Steven King.

3. Even though I know by heart everything Papi did in that series it’s still surreal when you watch the highlights in order like that. Like I found myself sitting there being like no way Papi can come through again even though I know he does. It was that amazing. Dude single handily won that series. He really did. Also kind of makes me feel bad when people want to bench him or trade him. He should have a roster spot for as long as he ever wants it. He earned that much.

4. My favorite guy on earth was the dude who was in the Yankees sweater and looked shocked with him jaw hitting the floor. Like whenever I’m having a bad day or feel sad I’m just going to look at this dude and instantly cheer up. Fuck you bro.

5. I want to bang that chick in the Yankee hat with the blonde hair.

6. I’ll tell you one thing that makes no sense. How Dave Roberts gets so much publicity for stealing 2nd base and nobody ever talks about Bill Mueller knocking him in. Kevin Millar kind of touched on it by saying Mueller doesn’t get enough credit for his AB, but even that is a slap in the face. Makes it sound like he moved the runner over or something. Dude had the game tying hit. I’m not quite sure why the stolen base is seen as the bigger play. It’s not.

7. This just reinforced why I’m such a Tito fan. Sure some of his in game decisions are sometimes questionable but what manager’s isn’t? Bottomline is he seems like a great dude and he played a huge role in keeping everybody together. Also loved his “watch my hair” line in the champagne celebration.

8. The only bad thing about watching this was it made me long for the days when everybody thought Arod was a curse. .People forget what a loser this guy is since he won a ring last year Sucks. Like if he never won a World Series that hamburger helper move would be the thing everybody remembers him for. Very sad.

9. I loved how Dan Shaughnessy only made a 4 second cameo in this and that was only when Millar called him out for writing that they were gutless. It’s refreshing to see a Red Sox documentary in which Shank isn’t selling books or pushing his own agenda. He got 4 seconds of airtime and that was only to make him look like an asshole. God bless.

10. I think I like Kevin Millar now. I’ve always held a grudge against him because of the way he treated Nomar. In case you forget he went on ESPN before the season started and said that he’d rather have Arod. Well I think it’s time to let bygones be bygones. He knows he was wrong and I can accept his apology. Bottom-line is he appeared to be the heart and soul of this team keeping everybody together after they were down 3-0.

11. How did the great Joe Torre not try one bunt against Curt Schilling?

12. Obviously the typical Yankees fan reaction to 4 Days in October is something along the lines of “who are you guys playing tomorrow, blah, blah, blah” Well guess what? It doesn’t bother me. Because Yankee fans will never have a moment like we did. They will never feel what we felt. They will never be as excited, exhilarated or jubilant as we were. It doesn’t matter how many more titles they win. Nothing can ever compare to the 2004 Sox. It’s the most memorable, most defining, most important, most historic series either of these teams have ever played in and we were on the winning side and there is nothing anybody can do to change it. All the suffering was worth it for that one year. It really was.

Milwaukee Has Their Very Own Super Hero And Naturally He Sucks

Journal Sentinel - He calls himself the Watchman. He won’t give his real name. His identity is obscured by a bright red mask that covers half his goateed face. He wears black boots, black pants, black leather gloves and a black trench coat, but there’s a large yellow circle on the chest of his black hooded sweatshirt, with a big W. “I’m what people refer to as a real-life superhero,” he says. “While most reactions to what I do are positive, there are a few negative responses,” he explains, adding that the disguise protects his family – a wife and two young sons – from any of that. “I’m the one who decided to do this, not them,” he says. “They should not have to suffer for it.” “Somebody needs to do something,” explains the Watchman, who contemplated becoming a police officer before donning his mask. “There’s something everybody can do to make the world a little bit better,” he says. So the 6-foot, 200-pound, 30-something crime fighter patrols Riverwest in costume, with a flashlight and pepper spray on hand – and a black Motorola cell phone as his weapon of choice. “It’s about reporting it,” he says. “Contacting police, or getting an ambulance out here if it’s a medical situation.” As for super powers? None, he says. “I’m just a guy. I may look a little funny, but I’m just a guy. And I’m out here to let everybody know that they can do their part.” He’s not the only guy. The Watchman belongs to the Great Lakes Heroes Guild. “We combine resources, work together and share information,” he says.

Welp, just like everything else in Milwaukee this super hero fuckin stinks. A flashlight and pepper spray? Why don’t you just get a Rape Whistle and wear bicycle reflectors and then Milwaukee will be the safest town in America! If I’m reading this correctly this dude just walks around town and calls the cops and shit? Thats not a super hero thats a fuckin tattle tale. A tattle tale with a shitty name.

You know what my name would be if I was a Super Hero? Neither do I because I never for one fuckin second thought about being a super hero. What do I look like, some sort of sucker? You want me to waste my time and put my neck on the line to help other people? FUCK NO. What the fuck do I get in return? Nothing. I had this argument once with my boy and he was like “Yea but look at Bruce Wayne he was always fucking chicks.” Yea he was fucking chicks because he owned Wayne Enterprises and was a billionaire. If you’re asking me would I like to be a billionaire playboy the answer is yes. But fuck all that caped crusader noise.

Just look at Superman. Superman is the poster child for why I wouldn’t want to be a super hero. Dude spends all his time flying around the earth to reverse time and stopping Lex Luthor from blowing up nukes and fighting those three bad guys who wear MC Hammer pants who get trapped in space inside those pieces of square glass, and he spends none of his time fucking Lois Lane. Like I wouldn’t last one day with a secret identity. After I save your ass from an elevator on the Eiffel Tower plummeting a hundred stories to your death you can bet your bottom fucking dollar I’m revealing that I’m Clark Kent and will be fully expecting a blow job at the Daily Planet tomorrow morning.

PS – Please don’t misunderstand my intentions here. While I personally would never want to be Superman and I’d prefer to be Bruce Wayne and fuck bitches, that does not mean I think Batman is the superior super hero. Superman is hands down, no questions asked the greatest super hero of all time. Anyone who says Batman and his belt of toys is better than the Man of Steel needs to kill themselves.

Dunbar’s A Porn Star Now?

TP – MTV’s Real World Sydney alum Dunbar Flinn and VH1’s Flavor of Love professional loogie hocker Pumpkin finally made their debut last week on Playboy’s Foursome–a sex-themed dating reality show that puts two girls and two guys together, and umm…you get the idea. But the show looked less like a foursome and more like a threesome after Pumpkin decided taking her top off and showing her tramp stamp was enough. For Dunbar, however, he received oral sex from castmate Vanessa when the group ventured to a Tantric sex workshop (led by super freak Miss Jaiya). He’s seen being pleasured side-by-side with another male contestant as Vanessa sits on some sort of “dildo chair.” Things get spiced up even more when she lets the guys take turns together on different ends of her body on the bed. Pumpkin is nowhere to be seen–even though this is the only occasion it would be appropriate for her to spit.

NSFW PICS

MORE NSFW PICS

I love how these pictures have the chick’s nipples blacked out meanwhile Dunbar’s massive erect dick is good to go apparently. Anyway I got to get my ass on the fucking Real World huh? Like is there a more savvy life and career move? I mean getting on the Real World is pretty much like winning the lottery. You get paid for just living your life for a few months. Then you get paid to party with huge appearance fees at clubs and spring breaks and shit. Then you get cast in Real World/Road Rules challenges for the rest of your life. Then you get cast in Playboy pornos getting your dick sucked by hot black chicks. It’s just a never ending cycle of getting paid for doing awesome shit. Like this dude was just some dumb hick in the army getting molested by his grandfather. Next thing you know he’s a TV star getting blowjobs from Ashli in the hot tub making $5K to show up at a wet t-shirt contest. Unreal.

PS- Did you know Puck still makes $500 a club appearance? Dude was on the 94 Real World. 1994. He’s been married for 12 years and has two kids and gets paid to go to parties.

So This Porn Star Facebook Chatted Me A Couple Days Ago

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Lucky Bastard Wins $1 Million Lottery, 3 Months Later Wins $2 Million

Missouri: The odds against winning $1 million in the Lottery: Astronomical. How about doing it twice? It happened to a man from Bonne Terre, Missouri Lottery officials said on Tuesday. Ernest Pullen, 57, won $1 million with a “100 Million Dollar Blockbuster” Scratchers ticket in June. And this month, he won $2 million with a “Mega MONOPOLY” Scratchers ticket. Pullen, a retired military man who was working at the help desk for a telecommunications company before retiring after the first lottery win, said he considers himself to be a “lucky guy.” John Wells of the Missouri Lottery said the chances of winning $1 million in the “$100 Million Dollar Blockbuster” game are 1 in 2.28 million. The odds of winning $2 million in “Mega MONOPOLY” are about the same. Pullen recalled a dream six years ago in which he won a lot of money. Even after the $1 million win in June, he didn’t feel like the dream was complete. He does now. “All the numbers I dreamed about, and all my lucky numbers, were on the card,” Pullen said.

I was watchin Cash Cab the other day. Every day actually. And these two goofballs walked out of the cab with like 650 bucks. And I thought to myself, if I won 650 bones on a cab ride right now I would lose my fuckin mind. I’d probably make out with that Mr. Clean lookin taxi driver. Double or nothin video challenge? Go fuck yourself dude! I can turn the heat on in my apartment this winter with $650. Peace!

Meanwhile this motherfucker is averaging a million a month on goddam scratch offs. “I consider myself to be a ‘lucky guy’” You fuckin think, Ernest? One time I got out of a cab in Madrid and my cell phone fell out of my pocket, but I was able to run down the street and find the cab at a red light and get my phone back. THAT’S lucky. One time I was in a rush and the subway was pulling up as I swiped my metro card. I said to myself, wow thats lucky. One time I convinced a chick who was wayyyyy better looking than me to have sex with me. That was luck mixed with a carefully calculated assault on her inhibitions and judgment with alcohol. These are all lucky things. Not winning back to back bajillion dollar jackpots.

So don’t feed me some bullshit about you having dreams of the numbers like you’re fucking Hurley from lost and say “i guess I’m lucky.” Tell me you’re just the most talented lotto scratcher the world has ever seen or tell me you sold your soul to the devil. Dick. Hope this guy ends up addicted to meth broke in the gutter like all those other mid-westerners who win the lotto.

How Fucking Nuts Would You Have To Be To Use The Wiimote Mojowijo Vibrator With Your Long Distance Girlfriend Or Boyfriend?

IGN GEAR - Designed as a means for people to “stay in touch” over long distances, the Mojowijo is an add-on accessory for the Wiimote that allows for stimulation of either a male or female user. The concept is called teledildonics and is geared toward taking internet chat and phone sex to another level by allowing accessory-induced stimulation to be controlled remotely via computer. How does the Mojowijo work with the Wii? Well, it doesn’t. It works with specialized software installed on a computer and connects with a Wiimote via Bluetooth. The Mojowijo is not compatible with the Wii itself. The add-ons use the company’s patent pending Motion2Vibration technology, which allows users to enable a variety of motion and vibration effects to either a remotely connected accessory or another user in the same room. The Mojowijo will also be compatible with online chat clients, beginning with Skype. The company plans to add MSN, Yahoo, Google, and Oovoo to their list of supported clients in the future. DuMosch came up with the concept six years ago, and after independently developing prototypes with other software developers and engineers, he began SKDu LLC and started marketing and manufacturing the Mojowijo. The Mojowijo will enter the beta testing phase in early October, with pre-sales beginning on November 26. The final version will ship to consumers on December 14, just in time for the holidays. Pricing is expected to range from $50 to $130 in both individual and bundle form.

This may be one of the worst ideas in the history of technology. I mean look at that fucking thing! You’re telling me I’m gonna log on to Skype and let this fucking robot claw clamp onto my dick while a girl operates it remotely to virtually jerk me off? What if she like saw some racy photos on Facebook that day or heard I was hanging out with the chick down the hall too much? Only thing worse than a jealous girlfriend is a jealous long distance girlfriend who’s got you at her mercy with a fucking robot clamp on your cock. Not to mention I can’t even get on Facebook without my shit freezing talking about a Javascript runtime error or something. Would hate to see what happened when the Teledildonic software malfunctions with my dick in its metal hand. No thanks. I’ll stick to beating myself off and just wait until flights go on sale like a normal couple. So sorry sweetheart but unless that Wiimote Mojowijo transforms into your mouth and blows me while I watch Sportscenter then walks into the kitchen and makes me a turkey sandwich I’m gonna have to pass.

Soccer Goalie Just Gives Up On His Career After Two Miscues

Video #1

So this happened a couple weeks ago. Obviously this guy totally sucks and I’m sure if we could translate that announcer he’s probably saying this dude should kill himself.

And then like 3 weeks later, same dude fucks up again and just calls it a day mid game. Just cancels his own career right then and there.

Video #2

Gotta respect the shit out of this dude. Take me out of the game coach! Let me fuck you guys up with some truth – the most important thing in this world is knowing your own limitations. Knowing your audience and knowing your limitations. If you can’t stop a ball from going in the net, you ain’t a goalie. If you can’t fuck a 10, you better aim for the 6s.

None of this Sky’s The Limit bullshit. Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are shooting stars? No motherfucker! Those are just airplanes that are probably gonna crash and you’re mediocre just like this goalie! At least he has the common courtesy to give up on his dreams and aspirations before he embarrasses himself any further. Doesn’t waste my time, your time, and most importantly his own time.

So when my first born comes up to me and says “Dad, I wanna be an astronaut!” I’m gonna reply “Wolverine, you’re too stupid and probably too much of a pussy to be an astronaut, you should go to vocational school and be a bus driver.” Save him years of despair and shame when he inevitably falls short.

Some people say “Shoot for the moon, even if you miss you’ll land amongst the stars.” I say “you’re seriously not as smart or cool as you think so you should probably lower your expectations and settle before its too late."

Study Says Just Holding A Beer Makes You Seem Dumb

AOL – (Sept. 15) – It doesn’t take a Mel Gibson tirade to know that people say dumb things when they’re drunk. But new evidence shows that drinking is bad for your image even if you don’t open your mouth. In fact, according to a working paper from the University of Michigan’s Scott Rick and the University of Pennsylvania’s Maurice Schweitzer, just holding a glass of alcohol makes you look stupid. It does not matter if you’re male or female, or whether you drink beer or wine — if people see you drinking, they think you’re dumber than you’d otherwise appear. “It hurts you,” Rick tells AOL News. The study conducted five experiments. One had people judge photographs of others holding an alcoholic drink, a non-alcoholic one or nothing. Another experiment tested how persuasive a speech would be if the audience knew the speaker was drinking alcohol or something nonalcoholic. In both cases, alcohol dimmed the perceived intelligence of the people holding the drinks. The most damning and universally applicable finding, however, came from the experiment that melded alcohol and job-seeking. Let’s say a potential employer takes you, the potential employee, to dinner. The study shows that when you order a glass of wine or a beer, the employer views you as less desirable — even if the employer orders a drink as well. “There are so many associations with alcohol,” he adds. And very few of them are positive, as Rick’s study reminds.

If you go through the archives of Barstool Syracuse, you’ll see that one of my favorite past times is making fun of “studies.” Its right up there with people getting hurt and me referencing my days in elementary school. There are dozens of “studies” that I have ripped over the past year ranging from “guys don’t like to fuck fat girls” to the “most sex happy city.” But never have I come across a more outlandish study than this. If I were alcohol I would sue this Scott Rick joker for slander, liable, and everything else under the sun. Because this entire notion is a bold face lie.

Holding a beer does not make you seem dumb. On the contrary motherfuckers. It makes you seem completely normal is what it does. You ever look at someone in a bar who doesn’t have a drink in their hand? They look like a fuckin idiot. Matter of fact they look downright dangerous. Its like when you see an unattended package at the subway station or some shady character acting shifty wearing bulky and inappropriate clothing. Last time I saw some dude creeping around the bar without a beer in his hand I called 911. If you see something say something.

Bear in mind that the entire point of going to a bar is to drink alcohol, no? So how does the guy that goes to a bar and doesn’t drink look smart? I’d assume you’re lost or a foreigner (and we all know foreigners aren't real people). Thats like going to In N Out and not getting the burger. If you ain’t gonna drink go do something that sober people do. I dunno I wish I could give you an example. Bowling? Movies? Its been a while for me. So fuck you Scott Rick. Not only do I not look stupid holding my 12th Bud Light of the evening, I probably look super cool.

How Much Would You Pay For This Floating Hover Bed? $1.6 Million?

Video

WonderHowTo – If you’ve got $1.6 million in spare change, imagine this: you could be sleeping on a bonafide hovercraft. Designed by Dutchman Janjaap Ruijssenaars, the Floating Bed is the world’s most expensive bed, employing “never weakening permanent magnetism” to hover above the ground.

In this worlds, there are needs, and there are wants. A $1.6 million dollar floating hover bed is a need. I need this bed. Without it, I don’t know what I’ll do. Because in case you didn’t notice, I’m kind of a big deal. An International Blogging Sensation, if you will. And International Blogging Sensations can’t be resting their head at night in a red race car bed anymore. I flat out need a hover bed. This bed uses never weakening permenant magnetism. This bed is the reverse of reality. It is reality turned upside down. It needs cables to prevent it from falling upward. So I’m accepting floating hover bed donations starting now. Lets get me 1.6 million dollars.

PS – This is the same thing as a hammock, except nobody wasted 7 years of their life coming up with the hammock

FBI Stops Dude From Blowing Up Wrigley Field

NBC Chicago - A 22-year-old man was arrested Sunday morning after placing a backpack containing what he thought was an explosive device into a Wrigleyville trash can, federal authorities said Monday. Sami Samir Hassoun has been charged with one count each of attempted use of a weapon of mass destruction and attempted use of an explosive device. Hassoun’s arrest after midnight Saturday comes after a months-long investigation during which he unknowingly worked with an informant and an undercover FBI agent, officials said. Hassoun, who is a Lebanese citizen and permanent resident alien, in June began expressing to an “associate” the desire to commit acts of violence in the city for financial gain and to cause “political transformation in Chicago,” the FBI said. Those acts included a biological attack on the city, poisoning Lake Michigan, bombing the Willis Tower, assassinating Mayor Richard Daley and attacking police officers. He ultimately settled on Wrigleyville as his target and wanted to use a bomb that he would detonate on a weekend night in order to inflict maximum damage. Two months ago, Hassoun’s associate introduced him to an undercover agent who said he was from California and had access to explosives. On Saturday night, Hassoun met with the agent, at which time Hassoun was given a backpack containing what he thought was a high-powered explosive device. The agent showed Hassoun the bomb’s components and instructed him on how it worked, the release stated. Although the “bomb” was intended to look real, it was made of inert materials and unable to explode. Hassoun was then watched by agents as he placed the fake explosive into a trash container.

I fucking love stories like these! Not because somebody tried to kill a shitload of people with a weapon of mass destruction obviously. But because it just shows that shit like 24 is real life. Like there are a bunch of Jack Bauers running around the country stopping Lebanese dudes from blowing up Wrigley Field at the last second and CTU snagging Times Square terrorists on the runway as their plane is literally all set to fly out etc etc. That’s some bad ass shit. And also because it shows just how fucking dumb these guys are. Like pretty sweet job working your way down that checklist bro. Got to 1) Wrigleyville and really shit the bed huh? I mean you show up and the first guy you talk to is an FBI informant who gives you a bag full of confetti and pop rocks. Can only imagine what you had in store for the Willis Tower. Pussy. You want to fuck with America you got to come a lot stronger than that dude.

Gross Pregnant Chicks Sneaking Past Airport Security

MSNBC – If a woman really wants to get around the rules barring her from flying in late pregnancy, there’s little an airline can do to stop her. Investigators believe that a Filipino maid who gave birth in an airplane toilet two weeks ago deliberately wore baggy clothes and some sort of girdle around her stomach to conceal her pregnancy, Gulf Air spokeswoman Katherine Kaczynska said Tuesday. It’s not clear how far along the Filipino woman was in her pregnancy when she boarded the 10-hour Gulf Air flight from Bahrain to Manila, the spokeswoman said. The airline has procedures to identify pregnant women checking in for flights, “but if someone conceals the pregnancy, it’s difficult and nigh on impossible for us to tell,” Kaczynska said. While the vast majority of women heed airline rules against flying during the last four or five weeks of pregnancy or comply with requirements about providing a medical certificate from a doctor, some manage to conceal their condition or lie about how far along they are so they can get where they want to go.

Fucking great. If someone dumb enough to get knocked up can sneak onto an airplane, how tough can it be for a crazy terrorist to sneak onto an airplane? This just proves my theory that preggo bitches shouldn’t be allowed anywhere once they start getting super pregnant. Like the home stretch last 6 weeks or so when they’re extra fat and gross and could explode at any minute. Why would you risk that shit out in public? These fatties just need to stay inside for a while, not hop on the 10-hour journey from Bahrain to Manila.

One of my biggest fears in life is being stuck somewhere with a bunch of really pregnant chicks and they all start giving birth at once. Just queef after queef of waters breaking and crushed placentas squishing on the floor. I’d rather airport security let a whole crew of terrorists on my airplane than a single pregnant woman. At least with the terrorists I can maybe try to die a hero. But if some pregnant chick in the row ahead of me bursts there’s going to be gross shit everywhere, plus one more baby on board that’s won’t stop crying. I’m sitting here quietly just trying my best to hold in my poop until we land ladies. All I ask in return is you do the same.

Guess That Ass!

And the answer is Camila Davalos. Not sure exactly what her deal is but I do know when you put her into Google you get a whole lot of good stuff. And a chick like that is just fine by me. Not going to lie I’m kind of hesitant to analyze the ass today after what I said earlier. Like what if I tear her down and she runs off to get basement butt injections and drops dead? It would totally be my fault. I mean not like there is anything to be critical about here but if we are being super nitpicky she could shorten that thing up because we’re not far from a long-ass here.

Get It Bieber!

Celibridoodle – Justin Bieber has a new girlfriend and her name is Jasmine Villegas! Justin was recently seen making out with Jasmine in the back of a car in Venice, Californian. Jasmine actually stars in Bieber’s “Baby” video and is the opening act on his concert tour. The pair have been close friends for some time but its clear know that they are more than friends. The 16-year-old songer has actually already made a name for herself by posting sevral pop and R&B songs on YouTube and has even signed with Epic Records.

Not gonna lie I’m pretty impressed by Bieber here. Just seemed like the type of kid who would let his mom set him up with some cornfed stuck up prissy blonde bitch on the Disney Channel or something. Nope Bieber’s just pulling some Latina heat in the back of his Ferrari F430 like it ain’t no thang. Can’t hate on that. As long as this little shithead stays away from Victoria Justice me and Bieber are still bros.

I’m So In Love With Victoria Justice Once She Turns 18 It’s Not Even Funny

I’ll be honest this chick has been all over my radar for a while now although I kept it mainly to myself since she’s been like 14. I mentioned her in a post once briefly but left it at that. But no longer can I keep my feelings to myself especially not after she presented at the VMAs. Just pure class and beauty. I mean it’s not like I’m up here blasting pictures of her asshole or cleavage on the beach or something like that other chicks on the site. I would never degrade her like that whether she was 17 or 27. She deserves better. I mean Bieber practically tried to fuck her on stage when she presented his award and you KNOW you’re hot to trot if Bieber is trying to fuck you. I’m telling you February 19th is going to be the happiest day of my life because I’m going to officially get rejected asking Victoria Justice out on a date. Yes that is her birthday.

Does This Look Like The Face Of A Professional Gamer?

Asylum - Pro Gamer Raychul Moore may be the perfect woman. The woman who won’t gripe when you sit around all day playing video games is rare. Raychul Moore, then, is extremely rare — not only will she encourage it, but she’ll challenge you to a match and then blog about her victory later. Asylum recently spent some time with this buxom lady gamer at her San Francisco pad. Among other little nuggets, we discovered that she takes the letters “KO” to a whole new level.

Uhh no that doesn’t sound like the perfect woman? I mean call me gay but the absolute last thing in the world I want to do with the hot blond over my apartment is play Bio Shock 2 on Xbox 360. Shit would get old in about 10 minutes. Not to mention coming home from work every day tripping on wires and Cheetos and pizza crust while the fucking surround sound is blasting from a first person shooter and this slut is talking shit to some pimple faced nerd in Oregon on her headset. No thanks. Listen sweetheart I could care less about the level maps and RPG dynamics in God Of War 3. You want to be my perfect girlfriend? Switch the TV mode back to ESPN, take your top off, and go make me a fucking turkey sandwich in the kitchen.

Heidi Watney Getting Her Fuck On!

I don’t know who this creepy guy with the pockmarked face is, but I’d give my left nut to be him. Because I’ve seen this look from Heidi before. This is the choo, choo… climb aboard the Watney Express because it’s about to leave the station and start fucking everybody face. Man I love this chick. She doesn’t care if you’re a ballplayer, creepy dude, or security guard. She is always down to party. Let me lick your face Heidi! Let me lick your face!

Am I Gay If I LOVE This Enrique Iglesias Song?

Music Video

I’ve been meaning to blog about this song for like two weeks now. Because this is the best fucking song on the radio right now by a fucking mile. Like forget about chicks getting wet when they hear this. My dick leaks a little pre cum everytime it comes on. Not even joking. How good is it you ask ? I’ve already bought it 4 times on Itunes. Itunes just keeps telling me I already purchased it and I keep saying I don’t give a fuck. Hit me again Enrique! Hit me again! So the question is does loving this tune make me gay or does everybody pretty much love this whether they admit it or not?

Vote 1 for it makes me gay and 10 for Pit Bull + Enrique = Magic.

So K-Rod Is A Lunatic Huh?

NY Post – K-Rod’s injured right thumb must be feeling better — he sent 56 text messages to his estranged girlfriend, despite a court order barring him from contacting her, authorities charged yesterday.He now faces additional criminal counts because of the stream of pleading missives he sent to Daian Peña seeking reconciliation. Prosecutors say the texts violate an order of protection issued against Rodriguez after he allegedly pummeled Peña’s father in an August meltdown at Citi Field. “I know this message could get me in trouble again, but I already lost you, my house and my children,” Rodriguez wrote. “Daian, I understand that perhaps I made a mistake, the biggest mistake of my life for doing what I did but I love you.” K-Rod began a weeklong barrage of 37 texts on Aug. 19, a week after the order was issued. “Lets find a solution to this conflict, baby if you really loved me do not deny me the opportunity to fight for you and my children,” he wrote. Kessler said K-Rod traveled to Venezuela on Aug. 30 where he sent the mother of his twins — who turned 1 yesterday — another 19 texts. “Your parents are manipulating you like a marionette . . .”, an increasingly frustrated K-Rod wrote.

First off, color me impressed with that last text there! “Manipulating you like a marionette” I would have been good money K Rod wouldn’t even know what a marionette is. So thats good for Frankie – maybe he can become a writer of some sorts after his baseball career ends. Which is on the horizon folks because I think this dude is on the verge of a meltdown. He’s getting old. Burned out. Can’t handle the work load. Coming to the realization that he’s not what he used to be. Probably gonna go to jail and end up voiding his bagillion dollar contract.

Wouldn’t be one bit surprised if all this shit happened to me in a couple years. Start posting only like twice a day, ugly smokeshows, cant even make a simple Does This Look Like The Face Of joke because I was just worn down from my early blogging career. A smut wunderkind they called me. Rose to the top and then came crashing down. Blogging scouts always warned me about my mechanics – said I was the poster child for carpal tunnel and shit. And the daily wear and tear of Barstool Sports takes its toll and before you know it I’ll be punching my dad in the face and texting married smokeshows

Why Did Clinton Portis Have To Apologize For Saying Chick Reports Check Out Players Packages In the Locker Room?

Washingtonpost - Which brings us to Tuesday morning, and Clinton Portis’s 10:30 a.m. debut on The Mike Wise Show, in this case hosted by Holden Kushner and Brian Mitchell. The whole thing was great, but eventually, the topic of Ines Sainz — the reporter whose treatment in the Jets locker room has become a national story — was raised. Portis, to be fair, wasn’t familiar with the case, so he was offered a quick summary. Here’s what Portis said.
“You know man, I think you put women reporters in the locker room in positions to see guys walking around naked, and you sit in the locker room with 53 guys, and all of the sudden you see a nice woman in the locker room, I think men are gonna tend to turn and look and want to say something to that woman. For the woman, I think they make it so much that you can’t interact and you can’t be involved with athletes, you can’t talk to these guys, you can’t interact with these guys.
“And I mean, you put a woman and you give her a choice of 53 athletes, somebody got to be appealing to her. You know, somebody got to spark her interest, or she’s gonna want somebody. I don’t know what kind of woman won’t, if you get to go and look at 53 men’s packages. And you’re just sitting here, saying ‘Oh, none of this is attractive to me.’ I know you’re doing a job, but at the same time, the same way I’m gonna cut my eye if I see somebody worth talking to, I’m sure they do the same thing.”

This Ines Sainz thing is still going on? Really? I don’t get it. Chick has a killer ass. She knows it. She wants attention. She wants to make dicks yearn. Mission accomplished. So how did Clinton Portis’s comments turn this into a larger discussion about women in the locker room? And what is Clinton Portis apologizing for? Are people really claiming that chick reporters don’t check out dudes packages when they do interviews? Give me a break! Okay maybe like Jackie McMullan doesn’t, but you know Heidi Watney is making mental notes every fucking time she steps in there. “Ooh, got to get on that, look at the size at that hammer, I can’t wait to get fucked by him etc” That doesn’t mean she’s not doing her job, but she’s a red blooded American. Like if a dude reporter goes into the Victoria Secret locker room he’s totally going to do the same thing. So let’s stop pretending we’re all in kindergarten here and call a spade a spade.. A good looking woman who is paid to be hot walks into an NFL locker room filled with rich in shape motherfuckers and obviously there is going to be sexual tension and people looking to get fucked. Life doesn’t stop being life just because you’re inside a locker room.

Jets Are In Trouble For Sexually Harassing Mexican Ass Sensation Ines Sainz

ESPN- The NFL is looking into a complaint made by the Association for Women in Sports Media against the New York Jets after a TV reporter was subjected to footballs being thrown in her direction at practice and, later, players’ catcalls inside the locker room. NFL spokesman Greg Aiello said the league already has contacted the Jets. The request by the women’s media organization was made on behalf of Inez Sainz, who represents Mexico’s TV Azteca, who attended practice Saturday as a working member of the media. According to an account in the New York Post, Jets defensive backs coach Dennis Thurman purposely overthrew footballs to players during a drill for defensive backs so that the passes would land near Sainz on the sideline. Linebacker Jason Taylor, who is not part of Thurman’s unit, volunteered to take part in the drills, the Post said. Jets coach Rex Ryan also got involved, according to the Post, when he had Thurman run a pattern near the sideline and intentionally overthrew the coach in Sainz’s direction. Afterward in the Jets locker room, Sainz was greeted by catcalls and hooting. Sainz discussed the experience on her Twitter account. “I die of embarrassment!” Sainz wrote in Spanish. “I am in the locker room of the Jets waiting for Mark Sanchez while trying not to look to anywhere!”

Listen I hate the Jets. Hate em. Despise em. But this is a joke. Seriously if I was Ines Sainz I’d just consider myself lucky that I didn’t ass raped. Because as a man you just can’t sit back and not react to an ass like this. Especially when a chick is flaunting it right in your face. It’s called Social Darwinism. Primal instinct just takes over. So she can spare me the sob story about how conservatively she was dressed and how embarrassed she was. I’m all for women’s rights, but everything about the way she dresses screams I want a dick in the ass right fucking now and I want every guy in here to stop what they’re doing and pay attention to me. She knows it. I know it. Everybody knows it.

Obama needs To Step It Up Motherfucker…

Left to right – Princess Letizia of Spain, French first lady Carla Bruni and, Michelle Obama.

Shit. It’s tough to be a world fucking power when Spain and France’s First Lady’s asses are making a mockery of our First Lady’s ass. And the worst part is you know Putin is like balls deep both those bitches. Come on Obama! Step it the fuck up!

Chick Gets Destroyed By A Watermelon On The Amazing Race

http://www.twitvid.com/Q41DB

I got to be honest. I’m kind of sad I saw this clip. Because I love the Amazing Race and this spoiled what surely would have been a great TV moment for me. Like I probably would have cum myself I watched this in the flow of the show and had no idea it was coming. Either way I’m stunned at how well this chick handled this. I mean my nose would have been shattered into a billion little pieces with blood just leaking everywhere. Chick must be like unbreakable or something. Seriously how do you take a watermelon to the face and not be knocked out cold? This bitch can play for me any day.

PS – That hot little blond sister is so annoying. I already told the First Lady that if we go on the Amazing Race she needs to shut up when I’m doing the challenges and just let me concentrate. Daddy is doing work here.

Fenway Hawkers Are The Best In MLB?

Boston.com - Fenway hawkers such a vaunted reputation in the industry that a team from Boston recently traveled to Toronto to tutor their Canadian counterparts. “These guys are probably — and we could get some nonsense for this — some of the best hawkers in the country,’’ said Rich Roper, regional vice president of Fenway’s food provider, Aramark. “I can honestly say that, by the numbers.’’ Hawkers at Fenway, back at work today for a nine-game home stand, work straight commission. That means the more Push Pops they push, the more Cracker Jacks they promote, the bigger their take. The ones who make it do not get to start slinging hot dogs behind home plate on Opening Day. Hawkers work in a rigid caste system, in which seniority defines everything: what they sell, where they sell, how much money they make. The roughly 200 hawkers on Aramark’s roster know their seniority numbers as well as their own birthdays, from the guy hired in 1976 to Jake Glasser, a lanky 16-year-old from Newton who ranks 196th. Ninety minutes before first pitch, hawkers meet in the musty underbelly of the right field grandstands for an auction defined entirely by seniority. Hats flipped backwards, teenagers crowd a table, picking products and sections, hoping for hot dogs and home plate, but often ending up with cotton candy in the bleachers.

I respect the fuck out of Fenway vendors. I really do. I’ve never once in my life looked at them and thought to myself. “hmm that seems like a cool job”. Nope. I’ve always looked at them and said thank god that’s not me because that job looks like it sucks. They are always sweating their asses off. They are always hustling all over the place. So this article didn’t need to convince me it wasn’t all fun and games being a hawker. Only a moron would think that. But at the same time I’m still not sure what makes Fenway venders so special? Because they figured out that you want to sell water when it’s humid out? Or that you need to yell the name of the product you’re selling? That’s why the flew to Toronto? To teach people that? Again I respect the hell out of them, but I guess I just don’t see what the difference is between the Fenway venders and every other vender in the world.

I Think I Just Found My Intern

ESPN – Burress, who is in a New York state prison until June 2011 on felony weapons possession charges, applied for work release last month and is expected to get a ruling from state authorities by the beginning of the NFL season on Sept. 9. The league — which had previously stated that Burress’ suspension would end upon completion of his sentence — said that if he is granted a work release, his suspension would be lifted. However, because of the terms of the work-release program, which usually calls for a prisoner to work Monday through Friday but return to prison on the weekends, the chances of him being able to play football anytime soon are remote. It is possible, but not likely, that the department of corrections would grant special privileges.

I mean am I just a fucking genius or is this almost too perfect? Plax can’t work weekends and he can’t leave the state. And it just so happens that at Barstool HQ, not working weekends and not leaving your apartment are two of the main requirements for the job. Just a few short weeks of posting links of college girls lighting farts or D-List celebrity sex tapes, and people will forget about the whole shooting-yourself-in-the-leg thing in no time. Its fucking brilliant really. Plax begins his road to redemption and Barstool HQ adds a marquee free agent. And your boy can start drinking promptly at 5:00 instead of waiting to see if the mystery intern posted the links or not. Its a win-win situation for everyone if I’ve ever seen one.

P.S. I’d give Plax 3 days on the job before he holds out for a long-term contract and more guaranteed money because the guaranteed money right now is $0

Rudy Giuliani’s Daughter Arrested For Shoplifting

Examiner – Rudy Giuliani and Donna Hanover’s daughter Caroline Giuliani arrested for shoplifting Former New York Mayer Rudy Giuliani’s daughter Caroline Giuliani was arrested for shoplifting on Wednesday. Caroline Giuliani was arrested for taking $100 worth of cosmetics from Sephora in Manhattan. The 20 year old Harvard senior was caught on tape stuffing her pockets full of products. Caroline Giuliani is the youngest of Rudy Giuliani and Donna Hanover’s two children. She is rumored to be estranged from her famous political father. Why would Rudy Giuliani and Donna Hanover’s daughter Caroline Giuliani shoplift? With Caroline Giuliani’s famous father, why would she feel the need to steal? “When your parents are high profile, and when your family doesn’t have much of a private life, you might feel cheated,” April Benson, PhD, a New York City psychologist told CBS News. “Sometimes they feel that they’ve been cheated out of life and that they are owed.” Benson claims that in families with high profile parents it’s common for the family to pretend everything is okay. When they don’t talk about their feelings or emotions they child may begin to act out in other ways, like stealing.

Save all your PhD mumbo jumbo for the next sucker, April Benson. Caroline Giuliani is stealing shit because shes a broad, and thats what broads do. They steal. I don’t know maybe it has something to do with the fallopian tubes or something. But you can be rich, poor, famous, anonymous, whatever. When you’re a young chick you steal. Case closed.

A tip of the cap to Caroline for stealing makeup though. At least she knows what she needs. Should probably try to steal some plastic surgery while you’re at it.

The Birdman of Greenwich Village

Video

I’ve seen just about everything there is to see on the internet. From 2 Girls 1 Cup to animal porn to crazy injuries to people getting beheaded and hit by trains. And I can easily say this is the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen in my entire life.

Not since the Bird Lady in Home Alone 2 have I seen something as sickening. When that Bird Lady slowly appears from behind the rock when Kevin McCallister’s ankle is stuck between the rocks in Central Park and she’s fuckin covered head to toe with those winged spawns of Satan I can’t even look at the screen. I cover my eyes like a child. But at least that shit is just a movie and that broad is an actress and getting paid to allow pigeons to sit on top of her head and what not.

But this guy. This fucking guy. This Birdman. Dude is just getting flapped in the face by pigeon wings non stop. He’s got flying vermin nestled up against his neck. He’s been getting covered with bird shit and pigeon plague for nine fucking years. He’s got pigeon feathers in his mouth. Do you realize how disgusting this is?

If I could punch one person in the face, it would be him. Like Congratufuckinlations, pal. You’re covered in pigeons. You want a cookie? You want a medal? You think because you’re some sort of social misfit with horribly low standards for human cleanliness and hygiene that you deserve something? Way to contribute to society asshole. Probably busy collecting welfare checks dipping pigeon feathers in bird shit for breakfast while the rest of us prop up the economy.

PS – “Go ahead, Crotch” is the worst comeback of all time

American Idol Hopeful Pays Mentally Retarded Girl $13 For Sex

Philly - Authorities say a Pennsylvania man paid a woman with learning difficulties for sex while he was in New Jersey auditioning for “American Idol.” Joshua Heintzelman of Halifax, Pa., is charged with aggravated sexual assault. Police say the 21-year-old was staying at a motel in Clifton when he offered the 19-year-old $13 in exchange for sex. The woman is from Washington, D.C., and was in the area Tuesday to support a family member who also was auditioning at the nearby Izod Center. Police say the woman’s mother became suspicious when her daughter, who never has money, bought a sweater. The woman’s family says she has the mental capabilities of a third-grader. Heintzelman is held on $200,000 bail. It’s not clear whether he has obtained a lawyer.

Well I don’t know about the rest of America, Josh, but you’re certainly my idol! I kid, I kid. I just wanted to make a joke using the word idol there. Seriously how could this guy be anyone’s idol? He paid to have sex with a retard. Notice I put the emphasis on the paid there and not the retard. If you can’t have sex with a retard for free then you have zero fucking game. Mental capabilities of a third grader for God’s sake. Third graders are fuckin idiots. You should definitely be able to dupe someone reading at a third grade level into sex. And if you can’t save your $13 and go read a book. You got a lot of work to do.

And spare me the dog and pony show about me going to hell for this one. Just because you’re mentally handicapped doesn’t mean you don’t deserve some loving too. This girl got laid and ended up with a nice wool sweater at the end of the day. That sounds like a steal in my book.

Frat Bro Finds Pictures Of Himself Getting His Dick Sucked On Other Frat Bro’s Computer

DES MOINES, Iowa – Des Moines police are investing a report of a sexual assault at a Drake University fraternity. Police said the case centers around pictures and video that a male victim said he found of himself being sexually abused. The victim said he found the images on his fraternity brother’s computer. Anthony Bertolone, 21, is charged with third-degree felony sex abuse. Bertolone is a member of the Sigma Chi fraternity at Drake University. The victim told police that he copied images to a memory card from Bertolone’s computer and then he called police. The victim told police the images are of Bertolone performing sex acts on him while he was passed out. The victim told police he has never been in a sexual relationship with Bertolone and that he didn’t consent to the acts. The victim also told police that he did not remember any of what was depicted in the photographs and videos.

College bro. Man I am fucking going to miss college. See this is what the old school people like the cops will never understand. Shit like this happens all the time in college. Sometimes you wake up next to a fat chick. Sometimes you puke hungover during a final. And sometimes you pass out drunk and a frat brother sucks your cock on camera and saves it on his computer to watch later. Just so fucking frat. I mean this kid DEFINITELY had his shoes on too. Had to. You don’t get your dick sucked by a dude blacked out if you don’t got your shoes on. Sure at 'Cuse, we stick with Sharpie dicks to the face but if at other univerisities kids are getting more progressive and going with real dicks to the asshole then who am I to judge.

Dude Calls 911 For Ride To Liquor Store (With Great Drunk Audio)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o8UGwe2nrv8

ST. AUGUSTINE, Fla. — A St. Johns County man was arrested after police said he called 911 to ask for a ride to the liquor store. Police said 57-year-old George McMurrain had already called 911 twice Saturday night when he called to ask for a ride to buy alcohol. That’s when an officer went to the Budget Inn on Anastasia Boulevard to arrest McMurrain.

Dispatcher: This is 911.
Suspect: I need a, I need a — a ride.
Dispatcher: You need a ride?
Suspect: Yes, to the liquor store.
Dispatcher: Um.
Suspect: Sheriff said she’d give me a ride.
Dispatcher: OK, you’re going to have to call somebody else, sir. You called 911. We can’t come give you a ride.
Suspect: Even the sheriff said she’d give me a ride.
Dispatcher: The sheriff said they’d give you a ride to the liquor store?
Suspect: That’s correct.
Dispatcher: Wrong.
McMurrain is charged with misusing 911.

This is the huge problem I have with the legal system and police in general. You don’t want me to drive drunk? OK don’t charge me 20 bucks for a cab. Don’t want me to drive drunk? OK come pick me up and take me to the fucking liquor store when I ask you to. I mean they really charged this guy? For what? Being too responsible? He was drunk. He wanted more liquor. He called probably the most responsible people on the planet for a ride. I mean the Sheriff herself said she’d do it. Just hypocrisy at its worst.