The Top 3 Most Annoying People On Election Day

Look, I’m not going to hate on elections. Democracy is what makes America the best country ever. We actually get to vote. No other country in the world gets to do that. But, with that said, if you fall into one of these categories today you probably need to kill yourself.

1. Guy who won’t tell you who he is voting for -

Chappelle was right, the things we share with other people to then not share who we’re voting for is patently ridicolous. But for me its more than that. Today is the one day of the year that I have to talk about politics with strangers and people I bump into. Its like the day before the Super Bowl, or the day before a big storm. Its no different than saying, “hey who do you like in the big game?” or “How about that snow we’re about to get”. I’m not talking to you about politics because I want to. I’m doing it because I have to. Because that’s what people do today. So don’t be a pretentious asshole and say “its private” or “I voted for the president”. Fuck you man. Our conversation is going to last for 15 seconds. See if you can last FIFTEEN seconds without being a total douchebag.

2. Sticker Person -

Google images really came through with the perfect “Sticker People”

“I Voted”. Thanks Dude! I jerked off today, you don’t see me wearing a sticker saying “I Masturbated!”. These people are the same people that wear their marathon medals around town. No different. They want credit for doing something a monkey could do. Like you remember the World Cup a couple years ago when they had that Squid picking games? That proves it right there. A squid could vote. A fucking squid. You’re not special. You don’t need a sticker. You don’t need a pat on the back. Just vote and be done with it. If you feel the need to wear a sticker around all day you probably have a small penis.

See Also the “I Voted” people on Facebook. They’re just new age sticker people.

3. I’m Moving to Canada - 

These people might be the worst. “If so and so doesn’t win I’m moving to Canada”. No you’re not you fucking drama queen. If so and so wins nothing in your day to day life is changing. Literally NOTHING. So stop looking for attention by telling everyone how awful candidate X is. Its all the same. You’re staying exactly where you are. No one is moving to Canada because Canada is fucking weird. You know it, I know it, and the whole world knows it, so just shut up and deal with losing like a man (i.e. get drunk and say racist things or make fun of mormons depending on what side wins).

Honorable Mentions

Every vote counts person – Every vote counts you guys! Shut up Puff Daddy. No it doesn’t. I live in New York. Half of the state could fall into Onondaga Lake and my vote still wouldn’t mean shit.

Sign Holders – I was totally going to vote for Obama until I saw that guy standing in front of the polling place with a Romney Sign. Way to go man. You killed it!

“Good Luck” People – Rare bird but they’re out there. Hey, I’m going to Vote. “Oh Good Luck”. Seriously? What the fuck do I need luck for? I’m not playing the lottery or taking a test. I’m filling in a bubble next to a name. Its my own decision. Luck is literally the last thing that comes into play.

“You Can’t Complain For The Next 4 Years If You Don’t Vote” – Fuck that. I am voting today but if I weren’t voting I’d still complain every single day for the next 4 years because that’s what people do, they complain. Shit sucks. Life is miserable. We complain. Because I did or did not vote has nothing to do with it. I’ll stop complaining about things when I’m dead and not a minute sooner.

Vote NO on Question #1,283 – Always one of these. The one guy who is absolutely adamant on some obscure issue. “Stop greyhound racing after 6 pm on Holidays, Vote No on Question 54″. “Limit the use of Lawn Mowers on Saturdays, Vote Yes on Question 283″. Shut up dude. Who cares. If you’re not allowed to do something because of some silly city ordinance just do it anyway. No one will stop you. Last I checked this is America.

Top Video Game Bosses Of All Time

Video Game Bosses. Not even sure why they are called bosses. But what I do know is that from ages like 8 through 18 the most difficult thing in my life was trying to defeat them. The three hardest things in life as an adolescent was trying to get your first hand job, trying to get some beer, and trying to beat video game bosses.

I began tweeting about who the best bosses were like 10 days ago and this blog kinda took on a whole different form. A) there’s too many bad guys to write one blog without assholes being like “How could you forget ____!” and B) Theres so many other bad guys that weren’t technically “bosses.” So this blog is just a list of classic video game villains that fucking drove you nuts. Full Disclaimer: When it comes to video games I am a full blown hipster and stick to classics. If you’re looking for new age bosses in the Final Fantasy MLXVII: Black Ops Edition you ain’t gonna get them.

The Rabbit and the Penguin in Mario 64

FUCK these two assholes. That big ass penguin was the biggest fucking jerk off ever. If you weren’t racing her fat ass down the slide, you were walking to the edge of the earth to collect her baby penguins that had ran away. Hey bitch watch your own children! And that rabbit. You know how many times I had that rabbit cornered and dove head first straight into the wall and Mario went “OOF?” Both of these dicks were day ruiners.

Contra Wall

This Wall will forever be burned into my memory. Its not that difficult. But Contra is such a classic and I always have this memory of laying on my stomach shooting the Spread gun until this thing blew up and let you jump inside and go to the second level where you faced forward instead of the side 2D view.

The Ducks and the dog in Duck Hunt

Yea keep laughing it up, pooch. See what happens when I press the Zapper right up against the glass of the TV and straight up massacre that whole flock of ducks.

Inanimate villains - Upside down question mark – Mario Kart 64. Oil Slick – RC Pro/Am. Overheating in Excite Bike

A perfectly placed upside down question mark with all the other item boxes was killer. Think you’re getting a Lightning Bolt or something and BAM, upside down question mark fucks you right in the ass. The oil slick in RC Pro Am was just unnecessary. It was pretty fucking hard to maneuver those RC cars to begin with. And don’t get me started on overheating in Excite Bike. So goddam frustrating. I think that temperature gauge in Excite Bike was a precursor to learning how to last while having sex. You can’t come out of the gates to hard or else you blow a gasket and lose the race.

Scottie Pippen and Horace Grant in NBA Jam

Not exactly what you think of when it comes to “villains” or “bosses” but Horace and Scottie were damn near impossible to beat. Had to be up by 4 because they always hit a full court shot at the buzzer

Alright lets get down to business now. Classic Video Game Bosses. Top 6 here we go:

Jaws

You realize that in Jaws you’re just blasting this goddam shark with a torpedo gun relentlessly and it takes like 50 trips back and forth between each port for him to finally die? I mean I know its based on the movie and thats accurate but, Christ. Most stubborn boss of all time.

Dr. Wily

Mega Man 2 is probably my favorite video game of all time. And what you have to realize is that Dr. Wily is responsible for all of the robots Mega Man faces. So in my book he’s more like 10 villains in one. Not too mention that gigantic robotic dragon you have to fight at the end. The most diabolical and maniacal of all video game bosses.

M. Bison

I know Mortal Kombat diehards will argue that Goro or Shang Tsung should be here. They are incorrect. If you’re looking for the ultimate fighter game boss, M. Bison is the choice. M. Bison, Michael Bison, Mike Tyson, whatever the reasoning behind his name, he’s the bad ass dude in the cape that represents the culmination of running through every opponent in Street Fighter. Fuck Sagat and fuck Mortal Kombat. M. Bison is the true fighting game villain.

Ganon/Gannondorf

I’ll be perfectly honest I don’t know what Ganon is. Is he a human? Animal? Monster? I dont know. All I know is I’ve been playing Zelda since before I knew how to shit into a toilet. He’s been as much a part of my life as anything else in this world. And I probably spent a year of my life playing Ocarina of Time. So when I finally defeated him in that game it was probably the most satisfying thing I’ve ever done. An original. A classic. Legendary.

Mike Tyson/Mr. Dream

Mike Tyson’s Punch Out may be the greatest sports video game of all time. Its so incredibly funny and racist. Its the perfect level of difficulty too. Personally, I don’t know if I can honestly say I ever beat Mike Tyson or Mr. Dream. I very well may have, but I can’t 100% tell you with certainty I’ve ever done it. Beating either of those guys is one of the best achievements in video game history.

Bowser

The originator, none greater. The dragon-turtle hybrid who continually kidnaps Princess Peach and rapes her in his castle. Spitting fire and throwing hammers. Pure evil. The first super villain video game boss who was basically the blue print for everyone after him. Debuted in the original Mario and he’s been in every game since then. The best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be.

Honorable mention – Dr. Robotnik

I know there are gonna be some Sega diehards out there so I’m adding this. But you’re either a Nintendo/Mario guy or a Sega/Sonic guy and I’m the first. So Sonic was fun and all but I never really thought of Dr. Robotnik as that bad ass.

Goro

Same thing – you’re either a Street Fighter guy or a Mortal Kombat guy. I’m Street Fighter so I’m all about M. Bison. But Goro is the guy for your MKII fans.