If Bar Refaeli Is Fucking Shaun White I’ll Probably Murder Myself

NY Post – Bar Refaeli had complained she “doesn’t get hit on by guys,” but Olympic gold medalist Shaun White gave it a shot over Memorial Day weekend. The snowboarding champ was spotted with Maxim’s newly crowned “hottest woman in the world” at SoHo lounge Sway “dancing, hugging and kissing” into the wee hours of Monday morning, spies tell Page Six. White was first seen entering the Spring Street club with five pals after midnight Monday, but sources say he was mostly concerned with monitoring his cellphone. “He was distracted,” a witness said. “He was pacing, going outside and checking his cell.” It soon became clear why, when stunning model Refaeli arrived to meet White at about 1:30 a.m. The half-pipe hero and the Israeli ex of Leonardo DiCaprio promptly hit the dance floor, where they were going for the gold in the canoodle-a-thon. “They were all over each other,” our spy said. “They were dancing, hugging, kissing — you name it.”   His posse enjoyed bottles of Jack Daniel’s, vodka and wine at a VIP table, and left en masse, forgetting to leave a tip. “[Sway co-owner] Robin Cofer sent over several bottles, and although [they] were gracious to everyone, they stiffed the wait staff,” a spy sniffed.

This is how you celebrate being Maxim’s hottest woman on the planet?  Meet up with this Carrottop looking pale ginger motherfucker who has bottles of Jack at Sway?  What the fuck?   You’re better than that Bar.  Way better.  Like Leo better.  I mean Leo to Shaun White has got to be the biggest gap in looks disparity in the celebrity world since Cannalis went from Clooney to Steve-O.   Disgusting.    These X Games assholes man.  Grow their hair out and put a snowboard on their feet and think they can just fuck whoever they want whenever they want.  Apparently they are 100% correct but that’s not the point.  At least be hot.

Although to be fair he didn’t tip on his bill so you guys have at least something in common

Top 10 Reasons Men And Women Get Dumped

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Zuckerberg Falls Off The List Of Wealthiest Americans

NYDN – Mark Zuckerberg is no longer a top 40 hit. With Facebook shares floundering since the social-networking company went public, the 28-year-old CEO dropped off the list of the world’s 40 richest people Tuesday, according to the Bloomberg Billionaires Index. Zuckerberg’s monetary worth was pegged at $14.7 billion Tuesday, down from $16.2 billion on May 25, Bloomberg reported. In that time, the price of shares dropped 9.6% to $28.84. “It seems to be a clear reflection that there was just too much stock issued, that the valuation was aggressive and that a lot of people who lined up to buy it really had no intention of holding it,” Jack Ablin, chief investment officer of BMO Harris Private Bank in Chicago, told Bloomberg on Tuesday.

What a week Zuckerberg had, huh? Dude lost 2 billion dollars and married an ugly broad. I don’t care how many billions you still have, thats a rough fuckin week. Like yea I’m not losing sleep over Zuckerberg’s life right now, but I’m just saying there are certain things as a human that will always suck no matter how awesome your life may be. Losing a couple billion and hitching your wagon to an ugly Asian are both on that list of things. Its like stubbing your toe or biting your lip. No matter how rich and famous you are, that shit still makes you wanna kill yourself.

I mean as far as I’m concerned the last 2 weeks of my life have been better than Zucks. I’m having sex with a girl whos hotter than his old ball and chain and I actually earned some cashflow. How bout that, you fucking smug son of a bitch! Zuckerberg is probably updating his facebook status right now “You know whats cooler than losing 2 billion and marrying an Asian? Being Jonathan.” Me and the Winklevoss Twins are gonna hit the town and get shitfaced and party like true ballers who didn’t lose billions in ten days. And we’re gonna update our Twitter statuses the whole time

This Is The Douchebag Hitting Arianny Celeste?

Las Vegas – A heated argument early Saturday morning in a Wynn hotel room led to the arrest of UFC Octagon Girl Arianny Celeste and her boyfriend, Metro Police said. Celeste, 26, whose real name is Arianny Lopez, and her boyfriend, 34-year-old Praveen Chandra, each were arrested on a count of battery domestic violence, according to arrest reports released Tuesday. Lopez told police her boyfriend choked her and grabbed her right arm during an argument about text messages, the reports said. Officers noted that Lopez had scratches on her right arm.Detectives interviewed Chandra who said Lopez kicked him in the nose in a limousine, where the argument started, the reports said. The argument escalated in the hotel room, at which point Chandra accused Lopez of throwing two vases at him, police said. Chandra recorded parts of the argument on his cell phone, which showed him following Lopez around the hotel room and demanding to know why she kicked him in the nose, the reports said. Officers noted injuries to Chandra’s nose and scratches to his chest and arm.“Chandra also continued to laugh at Lopez every time she said how she felt about him,” according to the arrest reports.

What the fuck? What is Arianny Celeste doing dating this squid? Oh big deal he’s one of the leading Cardiologist’s in the country. Big fucking whoop. See this is what happens when rich nerds date over their paygrade. They get all insecure and act like douchebags. Honestly how the fuck do you hit a woman?  This guy should have the shit murdered out of him.  Nothing funny about domestic abuse. You can’t hit a woman. Never ever never.   Unless maybe she’s super fat and ugly, but that clearly doesn’t apply here

Thunder Fan Gets Sucker Punched And Jumped By Crowd For Waving Kevin Durant Jersey At Spurs Game

Youtube – OKC fan was waving a KD jersey in the air right before the 4th quarter when a drunk Spurs fan from a row behind us walked down and grabbed it, then threw it. OKC fans obviously was pissed so he walked up and punched Spurs fan. OKC’s girlfriend got involved. Spurs fan hit OKC’s girlfriend and choked her. Cops came. Meanwhile, another Spurs fan sucker punched OKC fan. OKC’s girlfriend jumped on Spurs fan. Spurs fan No. 2′s mom then whaled on OKC’s girlfriend in the blue with Louis bag on her shoulder the whole time. Poor older lady next to sister, who I was trying to drag out of harms way, got trampled. So did my sister.

Have you ever met a Spurs fan?  Or seen one?  Just like a dude in with Tim Duncan posters in his room or wearing a Manu jersey down the street?   I was just thinking that last night watching the game.  I never have.  Don’t think I’ve ever once met or seen a Spurs fan and yet they have a packed house going absolutely wild every game.  Must run with different circles or something.  Anyway even though I know nothing about them if I had to pick one fan base I would not expect to be sucker punching and stomping out motherfuckers in the stands it would be Spurs fans.   Just picture them as above all that.  Like they erupt for perfectly executed pick and rolls and a solid high-low game.  Root hard for the straight fundamentals then go home and watch game film.    Don’t seem like fighters.

Plus what is there to brawl about?  You’ve won 20 in a row fellas.  Who cares about a Kevin Durant jersey.  The dude who wears it just got blown out twice in a row on your floor.  Relax and stop trampling grandmas

Dude Paints Himself Green To Look Like The Hulk With Permanent Nuclear Submarine Paint

The Sun – A PRANKSTER was red in the face after painting himself green – when his new colour wouldn’t wash off. Incredible … it started as a prank but now he’s staying green Brazilian man Enrique dos Santos,35, a swimming pool attendant, was trying to look like superhero The Hulk but used a paint reserved for ballistic missiles and nuclear submarines. The comic book fan tried to scrub off the glossy green in the shower, but the substance stained his skin. And more embarrassment was heaped on him when local papers in Brazil said the woman trying to help him was his girlfriend – when in fact it was his mother. He has been mobbed by children in his native country, who Marvel at his likeness to Bruce Banner’s alter-ego.

Umm does somebody want to whisper in this dude’s ear that he looks absolutely nothing like the Hulk?   I mean not even a slight resemblance.  Like literally not even close.  Seriously who the fuck are these friends?  Who are these native children?  Who are these idiots that mob Enrique dos Santos and tell him he looks like the Incredible Hulk?  They’re the reason he’s permanently green now.  They’re the reason he’s got his mommy scraping at him with a brush for 24 straight hours.  Why he’s covered in ballistic missile paint which I have no idea how he found that in some remote Brazilian village.    They’re the enablers.   Just blowing Hulk blow pops and gum drops up his ass making him think he’s the real deal.   Now I have to be the bad guy.  Hey Enrique I know the Hulk dude.  You’re no Hulk.  You’re just a 35 year old  comic book character dancing in the streets for tips.  Not a huge deal though.   Lou Ferrigno is like the last guy you ever want to model yourself after.  I mean did you see Celebrity Apprentice?  Bro was like 85% retarded

Lolo Jones Says Tebow Has A Secret Girlfriend

NY Post – Jets quarterback Tim Tebow is dating someone but he doesn’t want anybody to know about it, according to Olympic hurdler Lolo Jones. Jones, 29, has been linked to Tebow, 24, since announcing recently that, like the popular and deeply religious NFL star, she was a virgin saving herself for marriage. Jets center Nick Mangold has made it his goal to set up the two world-class athletes, but Jones shut him down via Twitter on Tuesday, saying Tebow wasn’t available. “I’m trying to get @TimTebow to accept that he and @lolojones are a match made in heaven. #Lobow,” Mangold tweeted. Jones then responded, “thanks Nick but i actually heard tebow has a girlfriend he just isn’t saying it publicly. the search continues…”

What does it even mean to “have a girlfriend” if you aren’t banging? So its a girl you hang out with a lot and probably fight with and nothing physical ever happens? Yea I’ve heard of those before. Thats called a fucking sister. Anyway, lets pretend for a moment Lolo Jones is right and Tebow has a secret girlfriend. Who do ya got? Lets figure this out from least likely to most likely:

5. Sasha Grey - There are plenty of porn stars worse than her, but she cracks the top 5 because she’s clearly trying to rehabilitate her image. She tried to do real acting. She read books to those elementary school kids. She might need some Tebow in her life. But there ain’t no way Tebow is getting involved with Sasha Grey. You’ve got to be pure. When your asshole is the size of the hole on the 18th green, you are not Tebow material. Odds of being secret girlfriend – 25:1

4. Lady Gaga - She’s a dyke, I think. Or at least bi sexual. Loves gays. Hates God. The only reason she edges out the filthy porn star one spot on this list is because she might have a dick and the jury is still out on whether Tim may actually like that. Odds of being secret girlfriend – 10:1

3. Bar Refaeli – Isn’t it downright nauseating to think that if Bar Refaeli threw herself at Tebow he’d probably reject her simply because she rejects Jesus? Her or Sloane from Entourage or Mila Kunis or Natalie Portman or any other Jews. There may be Jews for Jesus but Tebow don’t get down with the Chosens. Odds of being secret girlfriend, assuming Christian conversion -  5:1

2. Lolo Jones – You think I’m not on to you, Virgin? I see right through you and your hymen. This is all a PR cover up. Two high profile religious virgin athletes are out there and you don’t think they’re gonna get together? Get out of here. They’re linked in the press. They’re linked in the papers. You know Tebow wants to link his dick all up in her honey pot. And vice versa. Its a match made in heaven with an elaborate public cover up in case they’ve already fucked before marriage. Teblow is real. Odds of being secret girlfriend – 4:1

1. Jenn Sterger – Doesn’t get any easier than this folks. If Vegas is handicapping this sweepstakes, bet the fucking rent on Jenn Sterger. She went to school down in Florida. Yea she was an FSU girl but if you don’t think she’d take some Gator dick you’re outside of your mind. She already has ties to the NFL and the Jets. Already been linked in a sexual manner to a Jets quarterback. Yet hated Brett Favre’s dick pics and his overly aggressive pursuit. She doesn’t want to be viewed as that sexual piece of meat. She had her implants removed. Trying to shake that slutty girl image while still remaning involved in sports. Who’s better for that than Tebow? Tebow is all the NFL pros with none of the womanizing cons. Jenn Sterger’s dream man. Odds of being secret girlfriend – 7:5

Man Arrested After Running Onto The Pitch And Dragging His Son Out Of A Soccer Game For Getting Bad Grades

Yahoo - An unruly father in Iowa City was arrested and banned from all Iowa City (Ia.) High property after he ran on to a soccer field and attempted to remove his own son from the game for alleged poor grades. As reported by the Iowa City Press-Citizen — and brought to Prep Rally’s attention by Larry Brown Sports — a man named Benjamin I.H. Doyle was charged with a trespass violation after he ran on to the soccer field at Longfellow Elementary School and attempted to forcibly remove his son from the ongoing City High soccer game. Police officers on the scene rapidly removed Doyle from the field and questioned him about the incident. When asked why he ran on to the field, Doyle — who is listed as a database administrator for the University of Iowa’s Hospital Information Systems — said that his son’s grades were too poor for him to be allowed to play soccer.

Dude how white are you?  Seriously this has got to be the biggest honkey parenting move of all time.  Running into the middle of the pitch to yank your kid off the field because his report card wasn’t good enough.  Wake up bro.  It’s 2012.  Nobody gives a shit about grades anymore.  It’s sports scholarship or bust.    Can he run a 4.4 40?  How’s his foot speed?  Jumping ability?  Bench press?  You nail those things I don’t give a fuck if you sit down for your SAT and just write GOOOALLLLLLLL! across the Scantron then fuckin bounce.  School is for pussies and nerds.   Seriously last I checked we didn’t even make the fucking Olympics right?  Like American soccer is so bad now we can’t even get in to the Olympics ahead of made up countries like Trinidad & Tobago and shit?  Gee I wonder why.   They train 24/7.  We punch our kids in the face and drag them out of the game for getting a C in Social Studies.  Pathetic.  Tough to get Landon Donovan some help when assholes like Benjamin Doyle are more concerned with turning our youth into gutless geeks.

Preacher Who Preaches With Rattlesnakes To Show His Faith Dies When Bitten By Rattlesnake 30 Years After His Dad Died The Same Way

DM – A Pentecostal reverend known for preaching with the help of a rattlesnake coiled around his arm lost his life when one of the creatures suddenly bit him. Mack Randall Wolford, pastor at the Full Gospel Apostolic House of the Lord Jesus in Matoaka, West Virginia, died hours after receiving the deadly bite on Sunday – the day after his 44th birthday. Wolford’s father, who was also a serpent-handling pastor, died in the same way nearly 30 years ago. Wolford had been bitten three times before, but never sought medical attention, saying that a bite was a test of his faith. But by the time he was taken to Bluefield Regional Medical Center, it was too late. His unique celebrations were held regularly for his followers – who numbered between five and 30 – most of whom were members of his family.

I’ll tell you what it is. Its these goddam Jewish snakes. These Chosen Rattlesnakes who don’t believe in Jesus. Don’t even listen to a word the pastor says. Most people see a serpent and the automatically assume its the devil, but I think its actually just a bunch of Jew snakes.

This family has to be the dumbest rattlesnake preachers in terms of the way they play the game. Just always getting bit and dying and shit. Not a good look bro. Like I think it’s time to quit the rattlesnake preaching game forever. Some people just aren’t cut out for it. The world needs ditchdiggers too. And it’s not even like this guy has a huge following either. Between 5 and 30 people? Honestly how bad of a rattlesnake preacher are you if you can’t break 30 people with a rattlesnake draped around your arm? Rattlesnake by itself and the constant threat of death should put at least 1,000 asses in the seats. Definitely time for this guy to hang it up.   Oh well hopefully he learned his lesson and won’t make the same mistake again

It would probably behoove the Wolford men to stop fuckin around with snakes, huh? Daddy dies from a snake bite at church. Mack dies from a snake bite at church. How many more snake bite deaths do we need before we realize that snakes don’t give a fuck about God? Probably sitting there bored to fucking death by the time the priest is giving his homily. Snake is like “Oh fucking wait a minute, we haven’t even blessed the bread and the wine yet. We’re not even close to out of here. Fuck this shit.” Lays into some priest thigh and gets the F out of there.

PS – People who follow the Bible to this extent are legitimately the scariest people on earth

Dude Dropping $30,000 To Go To Africa And Try To Capture A Dinosaur

HOLLYWOOD, Fla. – Joe Marrero is planning a little trip this summer, and it’s got his family kind of concerned. The Hollywood software engineer is among a team of optimistic young men who intend to trek through the unforgiving Congo on a most outlandish quest: discover — and possibly bring back — a living dinosaur. “Naturally, anybody’s family would be worried about them,” he said. “They don’t want to hear the details.” Africa experts say the family’s fears are well-founded. New York travel agency owner Valentine Sazhin has traversed the Congo. “There are many dangerous places,” he said. Marrero, 28, is the eldest of the six-man team that makes up the Newmac Expedition, named for its principals, leader Stephen McCullah and survival expert Sam Newton. They will brave the jungly Congo River to track a legendary sauropod said to live along its shore, the one pygmies call — cue the spooky music — Mokele mbembe. “I believe it’s a large unknown species of monitor lizard, kind of like the Komodo dragon in Indonesia,” Marrero said. “Because 80 percent of the country is not explored, creatures like this could exist.” Tales of Mokele mbembe, which means “the one who stops the flow of rivers,” have been bandied about for more than two centuries. Pygmies compare it to a long-necked, pot-bellied brontosaurus. At least 15 expeditions have slogged through the jungle trying to confirm its existence. They collected native accounts and speculated over vague footprints. Only two explorers claimed to have seen the creature, both under dubious circumstances.

Just when you think Africa can’t get any fucking worse, turns out they got dinosaurs living there too. Like as if the AIDS and the malaria and the militias and the armless blood diamond people running around weren’t enough of a deterrent, now it turns out they got gigantic pot-bellied pygmy-eating dino-monsters deep in the jungle. And these fuckin guys are gonna willingly go after it.

I have two main goals in life – 1) Don’t ever go to Africa 2) Don’t ever trifle with dinosaurs and/or monsters. These guys are breaking both of my golden rules at the same goddam time. Its not even like they’re risking their lives and traveling down the Congo in hopes of finding the City of Zinge. Not like there’s a pot of gold at the end of your shitty, dangerous, AIDS infested rainbow. You get to the end of the journey deep into the African jungle and now you gotta face a motherfuckin dinosaur. No diamonds. No treasure. Just Mokele Mbeme. A giant lizard the pygmies say is big enough to stop a fuckin river.

Have fun with that you big dumb rich white idiots. Seriously has there ever been a better example of #WhitePeopleProblems than: “Trying to raise enough capital to fund an expedition into the jungle to confirm the existence of dinosaurs in Africa?”

Biebs Wanted By LAPD For Beating Shit Out Of Paparazzi

TMZ - Justin Bieber is a suspect in a criminal battery … law enforcement sources tell TMZ. Justin was in Calabasas, where he lives, just after noon Sunday at a mall called The Commons. A paparazzo attempted to take Justin’s picture and, according to law enforcement, some sort of physical altercation erupted between Justin and the camera guy. The photog called 911, and when cops arrived Justin and GF Selena Gomez had already split. The photog complained of pain to his upper torso, an ambulance was summoned and he was taken to a local hospital where he was examined and released a short time later.

I’ve never been able to figure out exactly how I feel about paparazzi.  Like on the one hand anybody who jams their camera in your face and blocks your car and harasses you nonstop to get pictures of you riled up is kind of a scumbag.  But on the other hand  I’m a huge proponent of the snake-it life philosophy.  Just do whatever you can to get by and get paid while doing as little as possible. Case in point this dickbag blocking the Biebs car then provoking him into pushing him then calling the cops with upper torso pain saying he was assaulted by an 18 year old twerp who weighs a buck-10 soaking wet.   Do I think it’s pussy in theory?  Yes.  But is it a quick way to get a nice fat settlement.  You bet.

PS-  Is there anything the Biebs can’t do?  10 billion records sold.  #1 celebrity on planet.  Hot famous girlfriend.   Beating grown ass men up with only one shoe on.   Owning life

Florida Cops Shoot Naked Bro Just Hanging Out Eating Another Man’s Face

Miami – It was a scene as creepy as a Hannibal Lecter movie. One man was shot to death by Miami police, and another man is fighting for his life after he was attacked, and his face allegedly half eaten, by a naked man on the MacArthur Causeway off ramp Saturday, police said. The horror began about 2 p.m. when a series of gunshots were heard on the ramp, which is along NE 13th Street, just south of The Miami Herald building. According to police sources, a road ranger saw a naked man chewing on another man’s face and shouted on his loud speaker for him to back away.Meanwhile, a woman also saw the incident and flagged down a police officer who was in the area. The officer, who has not been identified, approached and, seeing what was happening, also ordered the naked man to back away. When he continued the assault, the officer shot him, police sources said. The attacker failed to stop after being shot, forcing the officer to continue firing. Witnesses said they heard at least a half dozen shots.

Wait this happened in Florida?  You don’t say?  I swear I wouldn’t even have a blog if it weren’t for the state of Florida.  Like there’s only so much odd weird funny news stories that exist in the world.  I’d say a good 95% of the best ones come from the great Sunshine State.  Just an absolute pit of degenerate despair.  Main export is oranges and dumbass crazy criminals.  The cream of the crop when it comes to bizarro shit.   I mean other states may get butt naked and go on a rampage through the streets.  Not everyone will form tackle a dude and eat his face off with nothing but his hands and his mouth like a Florida bro.

PS-  You think being a cop is nothing but perks like putting your sirens on to skip traffic and getting paid to crush donuts all day and bully people?  Try showing up to an assault call and finding some crazy naked asshole stuffing his face with face.   That’ll ruin your day real quick.