Aliens Have A Grudge Against This Dude And Keep Hitting His House With Meteors

NY DAILY – In a case made for the “X-Files,” a Bosnian man believes his home is being attacked by aliens after a meteorite struck his house recently for the sixth time since 2007. “I don’t know what I have done to annoy them but there is no other explanation that makes sense,” Radivoke Lajic told the Daily Telegraph. The 50-year-old from the village of Gornji Lajici in northern Bosnia said the meteor strikes occur when it rains. Belgrade University scientists say the rocks are all meteorites, but could not explain how such a rare event could happen to the same person six times. Lajic’s belief is firm: “I have no doubt I am being targeted by aliens.” “They are playing games with me. I don’t know why they are doing this,” he said. “When it rains I can’t sleep for worrying about another strike.” As a precaution, Lajic said he reinforced his roof with steel, which he paid for by selling one of the meteorites to a Dutch university.

I love how everybody is laughing at this guy calling him a lunatic. Umm I don’t see any possible explanation here other than Aliens have a serious grudge with him? Like his fucking house got hit with meteors six times. Six! He’s got the meteors as proof. It’s been verified by scientists. Assuming foreign science is real science everything checks out. It’s impossible odds. I mean laugh and call this guy crazy all you want but not me. That’s what the Aliens want you to think. Last thing I need is a bunch of meteors blasting through the roof of my apartment knocking my disco ball down and shit.

If You Want To Get Laid, Figure Out What This Book Is About

Been at the beach basically all month and ALL I SEE is broads reading the book, The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo by Stieg Larsson. Its insane. Like every single one of them has this or The Girl Who Played With Fire. This dude Stieg just wrote a bunch of these “The Girl With The Blah Blah Blah” books, kicked the bucket, and now he’s huge. His next one coming out is called “The Girl With My $29.95 Hardcover Book Because She’s A Sucker.” For real though, if you missed the boat on Silly Bandz when I told you about those a couple months ago, this is your second chance. Pick up the Cliff Notes on this shit and you can have a conversation with literally every girl on the planet right now.

Go ahead and laugh and call it gay, but I already learned my lesson with The Lovely Bones. My roommate scooped that book up strictly because every chick in the world read it. It took him three years to finish that book. I used to make fun of him virtually every day of his life for reading this pussy girly book. Three years. And wouldn’t you know it lo and behold last year the movie comes out and every smoke out there is talking about it and while he’s at the bar stringing birds about Mr. Harvey and Susie I’m watching Papelbon blow another save talking to the fat degenerate at the end of the bar because I had to be a tough guy. Not this time folks. I’m gonna dominate the shit out of The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. And by dominate I mean read the shit out of the Wikipedia page.

Chick Banged 1,000 Dudes To Be Like Samantha From Sex and the City

Newofworld - JUST like the characters in her favourite TV show, posh Christina Saunders knows good sex. And so she should, after seducing 1,000 MEN. The university-educated brunette longed to be as confident in bed as Sex And The City maneater Samantha. So she set herself a 10-year challenge – to get a thousand notches on her bedpost. She said: “Sam went from one man to the next and was proud of it. I wanted to be confident like her. I got hooked on the buzz of one-night-stands.” She slept with at least one stranger a week, travelled the world hunting for men to bed, and took part in threesomes. But now Christina, 30, admits: “All I want is a man to love me – not one who just wants men for sex.” Now the challenge is over Christina does have regrets. “Good friends stuck by me but others accused me of being a slut. I took things too far. Now all I want to do is settle down. I just hope I haven’t put men off.”

I love how this chick is bragging like banging 1,000 is some sort of accomplishment. Honey what pretty girl couldn’t bang 1,000 dudes in a 10 year span. I mean if I was a chick with a hot little ass and a tight package I could nail 1,000 guys in a 2 weeks nevermind 10 years no questions asked. I’d just be struttin that ass all over the place. It would be like shooting fish in a barrel.

PS – Good luck finding a dude who is cool with you fucking 1,000 guys. Let’s forget the fact that your cunt is all ripped to shreds. That doesn’t even matter. Nobody wants to date a chick who has banged 10 guys nevermind 1,000. I mean in my mind the First Lady was a virgin when I met her. So if you really wanted to settle down you probably shouldn’t have run to the press with this story. Just saying….

Broads Like Dudes Who Do Chores

Daily Mail – DOING household chores is a far better way to woo a woman than giving chocolate or flowers, a survey has said. Just under half of the females surveyed by appliance group DeLonghi said helping around the house was the way to their heart admitting they’d be more impressed if their partner did the ironing than took them for a weekend away or a romantic candlelit dinner. A psychologist said the findings showed women were looking for a man willing to be more active in the household.

Oh really, ladies? You’re looking for a Stay At Home Dad Who Does All The Work? Well I’m looking for a Never At Home Wife Who Wants To Have Threesomes Every Night. I’m also looking for a billion dollars to fall out of the sky and I’m expecting the Sox to throw a perfect hitter. All of this shit is right up there with Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny.

Actually that’s all just a bunch of tough talk. I’m progressive as fuck. If I can find some sugar mama who brings the bacon home I’ll gladly iron her pants suit and shit. Make sure her pantyhose are laid out in the morning just so long as I can sit on my ass all day and fuckin creep chicks on facebook and slang smut till the cows come home. But you gotta be rich as shit for all this to go down. I’m not folding laundry and cleaning dishes for some modest living. I wanna be a stay at home BALLER. So ladies this is essentially my open invite. If you’re some powerful, rich chick looking for a Mrs. Doubtfire to keep the house in order while you blow dudes to make it to the top of the corporate world, Jonathan is your man. I’ll even throw in a mediocre 6 out of 10 effort every night in the bedroom.

Dan Gilbert Is An American Hero

NBA.com - Dear Cleveland, All Of Northeast Ohio and Cleveland Cavaliers Supporters Wherever You May Be Tonight;
As you now know, our former hero, who grew up in the very region that he deserted this evening, is no longer a Cleveland Cavalier. This was announced with a several day, narcissistic, self-promotional build-up culminating with a national TV special of his “decision” unlike anything ever “witnessed” in the history of sports and probably the history of entertainment. Clearly, this is bitterly disappointing to all of us. The good news is that the ownership team and the rest of the hard-working, loyal, and driven staff over here at your hometown Cavaliers have not betrayed you nor NEVER will betray you. There is so much more to tell you about the events of the recent past and our more than exciting future. Over the next several days and weeks, we will be communicating much of that to you. You simply don’t deserve this kind of cowardly betrayal. You have given so much and deserve so much more. In the meantime, I want to make one statement to you tonight: “I PERSONALLY GUARANTEE THAT THE CLEVELAND CAVALIERS WILL WIN AN NBA CHAMPIONSHIP BEFORE THE SELF-TITLED FORMER ‘KING’ WINS ONE” You can take it to the bank. If you thought we were motivated before tonight to bring the hardware to Cleveland, I can tell you that this shameful display of selfishness and betrayal by one of our very own has shifted our “motivation” to previously unknown and previously never experienced levels. Some people think they should go to heaven but NOT have to die to get there. Sorry, but that’s simply not how it works. This shocking act of disloyalty from our home grown “chosen one” sends the exact opposite lesson of what we would want our children to learn. And “who” we would want them to grow-up to become. But the good news is that this heartless and callous action can only serve as the antidote to the so-called “curse” on Cleveland, Ohio. The self-declared former “King” will be taking the “curse” with him down south. And until he does “right” by Cleveland and Ohio, James (and the town where he plays) will unfortunately own this dreaded spell and bad karma.
Just watch.
Sleep well, Cleveland.
Tomorrow is a new and much brighter day….
I PROMISE you that our energy, focus, capital, knowledge and experience will be directed at one thing and one thing only:
DELIVERING YOU the championship you have long deserved and is long overdue….

Hey Lebron, hows Dan Gilbert’s ass taste! A-fucking-men brother! It’s a shame the Cavs are most likely done as a franchise and will probably be contracted in the coming years, and all that mumbo jumbo about curses and about them winning a title before Miami is just a bold faced lie, but whatever. That’s not the point. The point is Dan Gilbert could have very easily gone the PR route and he didn’t. He could have taken out an ad in the paper and thanked him and talked about the 7 good years they got and said it was time to move on and blah blah all the generic shit you always hear. And instead, he stood up like a man and called out Lebron for being the glorified skunk that he is. “Some people think they should go to heaven but should not have to die to get there?” That’s some poetic ass shit right there! I mean if a wordsmith such as myself came up with that, it would be one thing. But it’s just riveting coming from a laymen like Gilbert.

And I don’t think Lebron really had any obligation to stay in Cleveland. Matter of fact, sometimes I think he was cursed (and I mean that in the VERY slightest way possible) by being drafted to his hometown team. People thought he owed it to Cleveland and had to bring them a title. Meanwhile Chris Bosh peaces out on Toronto and nobody gives a fuck. Because Bosh isn’t originally from Toronto. He’s from the same planet as the Predator. But more importantly he was honest right off the bat – dude said the first second the season ended he wasn’t coming back. It was nothing personal, just business, and pretty much everyone understood except for that cooky broad who made that Please Stay song. But Lebron, on the other hand, strings the whole organization and the whole city until the 11th fuckin hour for his TV infomercial and toys with the most desperate people in America. Lets be honest, that entire city was waiting with baited breath to see if their Savior would save their city from extinction and it was painfully obvious this dude never had any thought of returning. But a guy who’s constantly thinking about himself and only himself wouldn’t realize that.

PS – Do you guys realize we’re talking about a player who signed for LESS money to join a winning team and people still want to set him on fire. That, my friends, is just how much he wreaks of dickheadness. Guy is being a total team player and doing whatever is best for the organization and he’s still hated. That’s when you know you’re a total dick.

Buncha Feminists Burn A Ton Of Money To Prove The Don’t Have Enough Money. Makes Sense.

Sweden (Reuters) – Sweden’s Feminist party roasted a pile of bank notes worth 100,000 Swedish crowns ($13,010) on Tuesday in a stunt designed to highlight wage disparities between men and women ahead of a national election. Feminist party leader Gudrun Schyman pulled handfuls of cash from a plastic bag and threw them onto a smoking barbecue as a small crowd leaned in to take pictures. It took about 25 minutes to burn the bag’s contents. “We are doing this for fair wages,” she told a crowd of some 75 people on the island of Gotland, off the southeast coast of Sweden, where political parties are gathered for a week of campaigning. The stunt, using money donated by an advertising agency, was designed to illustrate how women in Sweden “lose” 100,000 crowns every minute because their wages are lower than men’s, she said.

Hey, Bitches, no fucking kidding you don’t get paid as much as men, you have terrible ideas like barbecuing 10,000 bucks. How the fuck are you gonna complain about not having enough money and then go set a bunch on fire?? Doesn’t exactly scream “Give me more money, I know exactly what to do with it” now does it? I don’t care whether it was “donated” or not. How bout you do something really fuckin awesome with that money and prove you know what you’re doing? I dunno, maybe invest it in a young, start up, independent smut blog based in New York City. Give your boy 100,000 Swedish Crowns and you won’t be disappointed. I’ll throw a dope ass party with ball pits and jumping castles and all sorts of carnival games where you can win a free goldfish living inside a ziplock bag and wacky shit like that. That’ll prove your a straight shooter with upper management written all over you.

PS – I realize this protest 100% worked because it raised all sorts of awareness, but I like making fun of women and the double standards of society they must endure so suck it.

Teens Everywhere Are Biting Each Other Because Of Twilight

ABC - The allure of the blockbuster “Twilight” books and movies appears to have spawned a troubling trend: Teen couples are biting one another to show affection, sometimes biting so hard they draw blood. “Biting is challenging because one of the things we know about sexuality and biting and vampires is that it’s passion, it’s all-encompassing, it’s wanting to consume someone else,” New York City sexologist Logan Levkoff told “Good Morning America.” “And biting is sort of an extension of the hickey. It’s that same thing about marking someone else and showing passion.” Michael Kaplor, 16, said he has been biting his girlfriend on and off for about a year. “For me, biting is the way to show affection toward the other person and to just get a crazy adrenaline rush and not so much to mark territory or to show I belong to something, but just to show the other person I care and there’s a deeper sense of affection,” he said. Paola Hernandez, 15, said a boyfriend tried to pressure her to allow herself to be bitten. “He said, ‘I love you’ and that’s the way I want to show you,” she said. “I didn’t give in because it was kind of idiotic.”

Whats the next Twilight movie called? Probably like “Twilight: Stardust” or something gay like that right? Whatever, name doesn’t matter. All I know is the theme of Twilight Stardust should be that all the girl vampires are constantly giving blowjobs to all the other guy vampires. Lets get THAT craze to catch on please. I mean I’m down for a nibble here and there on the ear or something, but I don’t need you feeding on my jugular.

PS – Logan Levkoff, what’s up you kinky little sexual therapist?? I got all sorts of sexual quirks you can examine. Quirks for days, mama.

Michael Kapor – You sound straight up retarded, bro. The fact that some broad is even letting you near her is a miracle. Your iPhone case metaphor is strikingly stupid.

Paola Hernandez – Started looking for a new boyfriend sweetheart. Not giving in to your boyfriend’s pressures = dumped.

This Is The Most Pathetic Thing I’ve Ever Seen In Sports Or Just Life In General

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tr1AMLRxxUM

Hahaha! Are you kidding me? Did these guys just elevate onto stage with their backs turned like Milli Vanilli at a rock concert or something? Over a huge banner that says YES. WE. DID.? Not only is this the most pathetic thing I’ve ever seen in sports but it may be the most pathetic thing I’ve ever seen in life in general. Kind of makes me want to watch the World Cup tomorrow. Like can you imagine Michael Jordan or Larry Bird dancing around and rapping on stage after they signed a contract? Just absolutely embarrassing. Fuck Lebron. Fuck Bosh. I still love Dwayne Wade. Fuck Lebron again.

White Woman Who Keeps Getting Arrested For Being A Black Man

SARANAC LAKE, N.Y. — Sylvie Nelson’s border crossings are anything but routine. Customs agents sometimes order her out of her car. Twice, they handcuffed her in front of her young children. Once, agents swarmed her car and handcuffed her husband, too. She tells them: It’s not me you want, it’s a man with the same birth date and a similar name. Agents always confirm that and let her go. Then it happens again. And again. “I can understand one missed identification,” Nelson said. “But over and over and over again?” Nelson, a 44-year-old white woman, keeps getting snared at the Canadian border because she apparently shares some key identifying information with a black man, possibly from Georgia, who is in trouble with the law. While such cases of mistaken identity at border points and airports are not unique, Nelson’s case is unusual in that only some of her crossings set off an alarm and because federal officials have not fixed the problem after almost two years.

First of all this chick looks absolutely nothing like a black dude. Like not even close. Second of all like Fark said, if you’re a white woman, and you keep getting arrested crossing the border after being mistaken for a black man…it just might be time for a makeover. I mean all I know is that if you tell a chick you don’t like her shirt or playfully pinch her stomach she starts crying and locks herself in the bathroom and pukes all night. Can only imagine what it’s got to feel like to be a middle aged white woman and keep getting slammed on the hood of your car in front of your kids because you look like a black man. If that shit doesn’t give you some sort of complex I don’t know what could.

PS- Got to love the image of these border cops’ faces when they realize their mistake for the 19th time. Oh you can relax guys, it’s not a black guy! It’s just that really ugly bitch again!

Knicks Future Dream Team Still A Dream…I’m Still Living A Nightmare

ESPN - It was a wedding toast heard from Broadway to Bourbon Street. During Carmelo Anthony’s wedding Saturday night at Cipriani’s on 42nd Street, Chris Paul, the superstar New Orleans point guard, predicted a future Knicks Dream Team. Take that, LeCon. According to a person who spoke with wedding attendee Amar’e Stoudemire, Paul made the reference during a speech of a potential union of himself, Stoudemire and Anthony, saying, “We’ll form our own Big 3,” Paul allegedly said. Attendee Spike Lee nearly passed out at the suggestion. The Knicks may not have to wait until 2012. The Knicks have an alternate plan as they stockpile a lot of tradeable assets. A source told The Post on Dec. 15, when trades are permitted for free-agent signees and draft picks, the Knicks will try to put together a package for either free-agent-to-be Tony Parker or Paul. Raymond Felton, the Knicks’ new point guard acquired last week from Charlotte, will be eligible to be traded in December and if the Spurs or ailing Hornets like him, perhaps either point guard could be had, giving Felton a short Knick run. A Felton/Wilson Chandler package would not be out of the question for at least Parker. LeBron James was at the wedding, but Paul was not trying to take a dig at him. They are close friends. In fact, James would love nothing more for Miami and the Knicks to one day battle in the Eastern Conference Finals. James-Dwyane Wade-Chris Bosh vs. Stoudemire-Anthony-Paul. Can you imagine?

No I can’t imagine you fucking assholes. Nor do I even want to right now. I just spent the last 2+ years imagining LeBron James in a Knicks uniform, and then BOOM he drops the NBA’s version of the Apocalypse right in my fucking face and ruins everything. So you’ll have to excuse me if I’m done hoping for the best for the Knicks for a little while. And that’s why I haven’t written shit about the Anthony Randolph trade (like it) or the Raymond Felton signing (kind of like it) since they went down. I need a fucking break from this whole thing.

Like yeah I know I’m the Voice of the People and should act like a professional here, but this whole LeBron thing has me on such an emotional roller coaster I just can’t handle any more speculation or rumors about the Knicks future. I feel like a battered woman on some Lifetime movie who has just given up hope on finding love or having a family or having any semblance of a normal, fulfilling life. Probably gonna get me a bunch of cats and just become the crazy cat lady on the block.

Because the past few weeks LeBron is all I could think about or talk about to anyone who would listen. So to say it was a rough weekend for your boy is an understatement. I got blackout bruises on my forearms from friends dragging me around, like $300 in bar receipts crumpled up on my dresser I have no recollection of, and there is smelly Chinese food, leftover pizza, and white cheddar popcorn all over my apartment like some kind of Katrina-style Snack Hurricane hit my living room. So I wish Carmelo and LaLa the best of luck as newlyweds. Congrats and Mazel Tov to both of you. But I’m about 2 more rumors away from turning into the “I Am A Motherfucker Guy” and beating the fuck out of the next guy who even mentions the Knicks. So save me the dog and pony show about coming to NY until it actually happens. I just can’t take any more.

P.S. Staring at Eva Longoria’s box 82 times a year would be a pretty good consolation prize, but Chris Paul a thousand times over Tony Parker please.

Little League Coach Arrested For Punching His Son In The Face After He Got Tossed

HARRISBURG, Pa. — A Pennsylvania youth baseball coach is facing a simple assault charge for allegedly punching his 9-year-old son in the face after the boy was ejected from a game. Police charged Ray Boudreau of suburban Harrisburg after he allegedly struck his son twice with a closed fist at Monday’s game. Defense lawyer Brian Perry says Boudreau handled the situation poorly but struck the boy on the back. Boudreau has a hearing scheduled for July 27. Court papers say the umpire and scorekeeper called police, who arrested Boudreau at his Enola home. An officer says he observed redness on the boy’s face. Perry says Boudreau spent Monday night in jail. He says the boy was ejected for throwing his helmet after being thrown out at third base.

Hey you want to know what this kid will never do again? Throw his fucking helmet and get kicked out of the game. Yeah punching your kid in the face with a closed fist may kind of cross the line but who am I to judge this guy? Seriously since when did parenting become a crime? If I got thrown out on the basepaths in Little League I practically begged my dad to punch me in the face. Make an error at Short? Two punches. Made me work a lot harder knowing if I fucked up I’d leave the field with a black eye and concussion. Like want to not get rocked in the face kid? Show some sportsmanship. Want to not get mad in the first place? Don’t get caught stealing third you slow piece of shit.

What The Fuck Are Digital Drugs And How Do I Get Fucked Up On Some?

NEWSOK – Schools and drug experts are warning parents to beware of “digital drugs” that Mustang High School students blamed for their apparent intoxication. Three students were sent to the principal’s office when they appeared to be high on drugs or alcohol in March, said Mustang School District Superintendent Bonnie Lightfoot. She said the kids explained that they had tried something called “i-dosers.” Young people plug into i-dosers through putting on headphones and downloading music and tones that create a supposed drug-like euphoria. The technology is designed to combine a tone in each ear to create a binaural beat designed to alter brainwaves. So the worried Lightfoot sent parents a letter warning them to be aware of this new temptation to kids. When young people go to one website to download digital drugs, they’ll find a product line featuring titles such as “alcohol,” “opium,” “marijuana” and “orgasm.” The website shows the digital drugs have been downloaded more than 1 million times. To sell more, the websites encourage users to write about their experiences on the site. One user said animals popped up and paint seemed to fall from the wall. A site says that the i-doses may not be downloaded by anyone under 18 years of age. “Come on. You know they are,” Forrest-Perkins said. “No one over 18 is trying to get stoned on a song.”

OK, the joke’s on me because I got no clue what this “digital drug” craze is sweeping the nation’s high schools. Honestly I’ve never felt so out of touch. So teens are popping in their headphones during computer lab and taking heavy I-doses of straight binaural beats to the face? Then I-tripping balls in the hallways while imaginary animals pop out of their lockers and shit? Sounds like a party. And everyone knows I likes to party. So I think what I’ll do is round up some high schoolers this weekend and set up my laptop under my disco ball and just get fucking crazy on digital drugs. I’m talking real crazy like I-Overdose on brain waves crazy. Let’s rage.

If The Knicks Re-Hire Isiah Thomas, I Will Never Be A Knicks Fan Ever Again

ESPN – A reunion between Isiah Thomas and the New York Knicks is possible, according to Donnie Walsh. Walsh, the Knicks’ president, said Thomas will be on his list of candidates if he is given the go-ahead to hire a general manager. “With other people, yes, Isiah would be under consideration from me,” Walsh said in a telephone interview Saturday. “But that’s a situation the owner would have to be involved in.” Walsh said he hasn’t hired a general manager for financial reasons. If Knicks owner James Dolan allows it, he said he will eventually do so. Walsh, 69, also said reports of his imminent retirement are “totally off-base” and that he has no plans to step down. There is little question that Dolan would be willing to consider rehiring Thomas, who served as the club’s president and eventually head coach for 4½ years. The two have maintained a close relationship since Thomas was fired by the Knicks in April 2008.

What the fuck kind of pain killers is Donnie Walsh taking for that neck surgery? He has to be trippin balls on morphine or crystal meth or something crazy to even MENTION Isiah Thomas as a possibility for the Knicks GM, right? RIGHT? This Isiah story might be the craziest thing I have ever heard in my entire life. The Knicks literally JUST recovered from the damage Isiah did to them. And now that things are looking up you’re going to bring him back? What the fuck sense does that make? You know the saying fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me? Well hire Isiah Thomas once, shame on you. Hire Isiah Thomas twice, FUCK Donnie Walsh, FUCK James Dolan, and FUCK the New York Knicks.

Look I’m all for second chances and getting back on the horse and into the saddle and stuff, but Isiah Thomas didn’t just fall off the horse. He roofied the horse, dragged it by its mane down a flight of stairs, and then raped the shit out of it 82 times a year for 4 and a half years. And yo its a metaphor so relax, but push comes to shove I’d rather spend the rest of my life watching unconscious horses get raped over and over and over again than one more minute of my life watching Isiah Thomas in charge of the Knicks.

And how the fuck are James Dolan and Isiah Thomas still cool? Can you imagine if you cost your boss a $12 mill sexual harassment lawsuit? How do you show your face at work ever again?

Broccoli Mascot Proposes To Girlfriend At AA Minor League Game

700 Club - During the Veggie Race at the R-Phils game on Saturday, July 3, Broccoli wins the race, and goes into the picnic area to propose to his girlfriend.

Game over. I mean if this doesn’t officially put an end to all creative wedding proposals I don’t know what could. Just can’t be topped. Won’t be topped. Like if winning the mascot race around the bases dressed as a stalk or broccoli isn’t an accomplishment enough, getting your girlfriend to accept your marriage proposal in front of 43 screaming AA baseball fans is the coup-de-gras of romantic gestures. Probably didn’t get halfway back to the locker room before getting his broccoli dick sucked.

Why Is My Dog A Worthless Piece Of Not-Able-To-Predict-A-Goddam-Thing Shit?

So motherfucking Paul the Octopus went a perfect 8 for 8 in the World Cup. 8 for 8 with his cephalopod Mortal Locks. Meena the Green Parakeet was flying all over the place picking the winner of the championship game. Meanwhile I flushed like $500 down the toilet trying to bet on soccer because you know who’s too goddam stupid? My dog. I’m hanging all sorts of flags all over the apartment and asking him shit like “hey Jax, if the Spaniards are gonna win go eat that bowl of paella and if the Netherlands is gonna win, I dunno, rip ass and Dutch oven me or something.” You know what that little fucker did? Nothing.

Just go ahead and lay there like the horrible gambling dog you’ve been for the first fifteen years of your life. Just sleep for 20 hours a day and then eat and lick your dick and go back to sleep. Don’t worry about pulling your weight around this joint. Like maybe take some pride in yourself as a canine? Paul the Octopus just made his owner like a zillion dollars. M.C. Mohan is probably rolling in the dough because his parakeet knows whats up. But your Master Jon is probably gonna have to pick up a night shift at the 7-11 because you kept all your soccer tips to yourself. Man’s best friend my ass.

Man Suing Southwest For Making His Son Sit Next To Hot Cougar Offering Sex And Drugs

Chicago – A Chicago area father is suing Southwest Airlines, alleging his 14-year-old son was forced to sit next to a woman who allegedly made sexual advances toward the boy and offered him illegal drugs during a flight to Florida. The suit, filed Monday in Cook County Circuit Court, claims that the flight attendants didn’t protect the boy during the flight from Chicago to Orlando. “My client was a 14-year-old little boy when he was aggressively, sexually pursued by an older passenger who offered him drugs, who wanted sex from him,” said Chicago attorney Jeffrey S. Deutschman. “He went to the bathroom four times, he asked to move and he was told to take his seat,” Deutschman said. The boy was so “shaken” he refused to take the return flight home alone, the suit states. “His father had to fly down and bring him back,” Deutschman said. The suit claims the airline was negligent and failed to “remove the adult female who was obviously intoxicated and/or under the influence of other drugs.” “I do not understand how an airline today, in this post-9-11 world would permit a passenger to be abusive to a small child,” Deutschman said.

Small child? He’s 14 right? If some hot cougar bitch started hitting on me and offering to get me fucked up on a plane when I was 14 I’d be in the Mile High Club before the landing gears even went up. I mean is this kid serious making his dad fly down to bring him back? Grow up bro. High school next year. This is how it works. Some drunk freak wants to get nasty on the way to Disney World you bang her out in the lavatory and call it a flight. If she’s ugly you say fuck you and put your headphones in. Just don’t cry to daddy about it and definitely don’t put the stewardess in an impossible cockblock situation then sue her ass.

George Steinbrenner Was That Guy You Hate Because You Thought He Was Awesome

I’m as big of a Yankee hater as you will find. To the core I hate every single thing about the organization. And some things were easy to hate on and make fun of them about – bums like Kevin Brown or the Reverse Sweep, A Rod just being his general douchey and unclutch self for the beginning of his Yankees career. But other things were pretty much impossible criticize – guys like Jeter and The Boss. When you think about it, Jeter and Steinbrenner are like equal but opposite. Jeter with his quiet demeanor, flying under the radar until the biggest moment and at the end of the day, he finishes on top (Or on the bottom, or from behind, depending on how freaky she was) Big Stein on the other hand, total opposite approach: go fucking batshit crazy and throw things and punch babies and kick dogs and fire people and hire people until shit works out, and at the end of the day, he always finished on top too. And for that very reason Steinbrenner was the only guy, along with maybe Jeter and Rivera, that I couldn’t genuinely knock when arguing with Yankee fans. I mean don’t get me wrong I’d still always argue till I was blue in the face that he was bad for baseball and all he did was throw his money around, but in my heart of hearts whenever I tried to knock Steinbrenner I always knew what I was saying was bullshit because the dude was fucking awesome. Its like when you hate on the dude who bangs a ton of chicks and everybody likes. Just straight jealousy. He ran shit exactly how I wished the Sox handled business.

Put it this way, Steinbrenner was not only a billionaire and a 7 time world champion, but he was such a successful and charismatic representative of New York that he held down a spot on the funniest television show of all time. That shows what kinda dude he was.

PS – Has someone checked on Suzyn Waldman yet?

Chaos Erupts In DC Subway Station As Up Escalators Stop Working And Turn Into Stairs

DUPONT CIRCLE – It was a chaotic scene just before 6 p.m. at the Dupont Circle Metro station Monday. Officials say one of the escalators began to smoke on the northern side of the station. Passengers also say the station started to fill with smoke. Metro shut down the escalators while passengers were riding them and there was no warning to get out of the station. Meanwhile, Metro kept trains running causing a big panic on their escalators. Firefighters rushed in heading down the escalators trying to find the source of the smoke. Then a crush of Metro passengers tried to get out, some of them so worried about their safety. They pushed aside a barrier and climbed up a center escalator under construction. When some passenger reached the top, they had to climb over the railing to get out. “All the people at the bottom kept yelling at us to keep going and kept pushing us up the escalator, but we couldn’t go anywhere,” said one Metro passenger.

Oh my god! Oh my god! The up escalators stopped working and these poor people had to climb stairs to get out of the subway! And at the top of the escalator they had to step over a piece of yellow Police tape! The horror! The horror! I mean are these people serious? Like is that fat chick really jumping from escalator to escalator with a face of sheer panic? Relax honey. They’re stairs. It’s called exercise. It’s what skinny people do. I’m just completely baffled why everyone is acting like they’re on a sinking ship tossing blind elderly women and children over barricades and shit? Like I don’t see any smoke in the video? Wasn’t there just some coming out of the escalator control panel? Fucking people.

This Guy Jerked Off At 55 MPH

Illinois - A MASTURBATING motorist who drove alongside a woman driver on the A46 is facing jail. In addition to distressing the motorist on the A46 south of Lincoln, Glenn Flello, 28, also deliberately pleasured himself in front of four teenage girls on three occasions while driving in the Market Rasen area. Yesterday at Lincoln Magistrates’ Court, he pleaded guilty to four charges of intentionally exposing his genitals. Prosecuting, Marie Stace said Flello’s lewd behaviour on the A46 took place between Winthorpe roundabout near Newark and Swinderby roundabout at around 5.50pm on March 18. Miss Stace said that Flello, of Campden Crescent, Cleethorpes, drove a black Renault Clio alongside his female victim and began sounding the horn. Reading from the victim’s police statement, Miss Stace told the court: “I was traveling at approximately 55 miles per hour when the male raised his bottom from the driver’s seat and had his hands around his erect penis. “He beeped his horn constantly and I also had the sensation that his car was edging closer to me and he was still carrying out the same actions as before. “His penis was quite big and erect and I felt sick and shook up,” Miss Stace read from one of the girl’s witness statements.

I meant the car was going 55mph. Not like the speed at which he was jerking his dick. That would be a record or something. Make no mistake about it though, this so called “victim” wants to suck this high speed masturbator. I mean it doesn’t take a literary genius to realize that this chick’s panties are literally soaking wet:

“He beeped his horn constantly and I also had the sensation his car was edging closer to me and he was still carrying out the same actions as before. His penis was quite big and erect and I felt sick and shook up,”

That sentence is basically like a Mad Libs saying “I wish he had pulled over to the side of the road and let me blow him.” So we can cut the shit about this chick being victimized because she probably started beeping her own horn after this guy “raised his bottom” and showed her his jerk skills. Plus I fully operate under the assumption that being inside your own car is like being inside your own house. Anything goes in the privacy of your Hyundai Elantra.

PS – “Beeping your horn” is 350% my new euphemism for jerking your junk. I’ll probably beep my horn once or twice after writing this blog.

LBJ Somehow Becomes An Even Bigger Dick: Hosting A 1 Hour Special To Announce His Free Agency Plans

ESPN – LeBron James is planning to announce the team with which he will sign during a one-hour special on ESPN Thursday night, ESPN The Magazine’s Chris Broussard has learned through independent sources. ESPN would only confirm that active discussions for the special are ongoing. But sources tell Broussard that representatives for James contacted the network, proposing that James makes his announcement during a 9 p.m. ET special.

So let me get this straight. ESPN has learned that Lebron James contacted ESPN to hold his own hour long press conference on Thursday night to announce where he is going and is currently negotiating with ESPN to sell his own ads for his own special. This all according to Chris Broussard of ESPN who has confirmed this inside information with ESPN.

Umm, this has to be fake life right? I mean Chris Broussard is reporting this like he just uncovered who shot JFK. Dude you work at ESPN! Your inside source was the guy sitting next to you at lunch. Give it rest already. But that’s neither here nor there. I’m so fucking sick and tired of this NBA free agent bullshit I can’t even tell you. Enough already! Lebron James can go fuck himself for all I care. Seriously if I was a Cavs fan I wouldn’t want this chump anymore. Like is it really worth having to gravel and suck his cock every two seconds to get this guy to stay? For what? So you can get bounced in the 2nd round of the playoffs every year? I mean the guy is from fucking Cleveland. That’s his home fucking town. This isn’t MLB where there is no salary cap and he’s playing for a small market team that won’t pay him. He’s going to get the most money he can possibly make there. You shouldn’t have to beg his ass and humiliate yourself to have him stay there. He should want to stay. If you’re from Cleveland and have even an ounce of self respect you’d tell him to go fuck himself instead of acting like you owe him a favor and are indebted to him forever now. And the worst part about this is that he’s going to turn around and do this whole thing all over again in 3 years and makes you suck his dick again. Makes me want to puke. Have some fucking pride Cleveland would you?

Seriously, there’s no way this dickhead can leave Cleveland now, right? I mean hosting a live 1 hour special with the intent of ripping out your hometown’s heart would be the biggest dick move of all time. Then again, scheduling a television special event to announce your plans is pretty much the biggest dick move of all time too, so who knows. ONE HOUR. It should take 5 seconds. Everyone should find out on the Bottom Line of ESPN like every other goddam free agent in the history of free agency. That’s like some T.O. shit. Its all about Lebron all the time. I bet he lays out 5 different hats like some pimply faced 17 year old picking a college. Such a goddam dick its mind boggling. Have I mentioned I think Lebron is a dick?

Oh and people can spare me the whole Lebron Press Conference is a good idea because he’s donating the money to charity bullshit. Big fucking whoop. The guy is worth 484,344,494 quadzillion dollars. He could shit a bigger check and give it to the Boys and Girls club without needing to hold an hour long press conference about it. But noooo. Lebron needs to talk about how awesome he is for staying in Cleveland and how he couldn’t bear to leave those poor souls and how much he cares about his hometown even though he made them look like assholes during the entire process. The charity angle is just an excuse to let him hold this press conference and act like he’s being a humanitarian instead of the real reason which is because he’s most despicable, egotistical, underachieving asshole in the history of modern civilization.

He is officially my least favorite athlete of all time. I hope his cocky attitude and dick demeanor are his downfall. And if he takes a gigantic shit all over the city that never did anything except embrace and love him on live television, he should be shot. I mean I’d genuinely be rooting for some Cleveland maniac on welfare to try to take him out.

It Is Hotter Than The Devil’s Dick Out There

Hope everyone calls their Nana today because this is the type of weather in which old people die:

Hey nana, just calling to make sure you are still alive. I know you are shrinking in your old age so you are close to the pavement. hopefully you didn’t melt completely. See you at Christmas if you aren’t dead. Bye!

And on top of the nursing homes on high alert, you’ve got your local thugs playing in the fire hydrants and Con Ed starts rolling black outs through all the minority neighborhoods. Just dangerous scenarios all around the city. Luckily I think it’s even too hot out for poor people to riot, so we should be safe from mass looting and violence.

The down side is its so hot I might just drop dead all on my own. For those of you who don’t know, my house is like one of those hot boxes at Guantanamo Bay that they use to torture people. No bullshit its about 97 degrees in my house. Kelvin. And then I get home from the gym last nite and my son of a bitch mom is grilling FIFTY POUNDS of chicken from Fresh Direct on the stove. Do you know how hot the fuckin kitchen gets when you cook like 200 chicken breasts on a George Foreman grill? I’m planning on taking a dump in her pillow case this afternoon while she’s at work just to get back at her, but who knows it might be too hot to poop.

Would You Trust A Fan With No Blades On A Day Like Today?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CgERAri0p_M

First things first. Today is dick breakingly hot. Like I know only pussies complain about the heat and shit but today is so hot that you’re a pussy if you don’t complain about the heat. Anyway onto this blog. This James Dyson guy is a piece of work huh? Just thinks he can sweet talk you into believing anything with that soft British accent and by calling himself “Sir”. Like okay I tipped my cap when he invented the vacuum cleaner with the ball on it. That made sense. But a fan with no blades? Come on bro. You ain’t fooling me. Because what’s lost in all his cocky I’m smarter than you bullshit is the fact that a fan without blades is not a fan at all. I mean what the fuck is air foil technology? Shit just looks like a frame with nothing in it. Bottom-line is when it’s 104 degrees outside like today i’ll take a fan with the blades and the whoosh sound over that alien technology pussy fan that makes no sense everyday of the week and twice on Sunday.

Donnie Walsh Finally Did It

Guess what motherfuckers the Knicks just became relevant again. And this is just the beginning. Who’s next? LeBron? Carmelo? Monta Ellis? Chris Paul? Who the hell knows anymore. But in the next few days there’s a good chance Knicks fans could be looking at not only a relevant team, but a contending team. Imagine that! The Knicks actually good again. Fucking wild, I know. And it doesn’t matter that Amar’e Stoudemire can’t really pass and doesn’t really play D. And it doesn’t matter that he’s had micro-fracture surgery or that he’s one wrong move away from looking like this. Because all that matters is the Knicks matter again. And its been a long god damn time coming.

Fact is this is the biggest star the Knicks have had since Allan Houston and his perfect jump shot back in the day. And yea Stoudemire on his own won’t be bringing titles any time soon, but reunited with D’Antoni, its only a matter of time before Stoudemire is putting up 25-10’s every night and battling Dwight Howard for the title of Best Big Man in the East, which is a lot more exciting than anything else the Knicks have had going on in a while.

So the rest of you bandwagon-jumping losers can go chow down on Prokhorov’s cockmeat sandwiches some more for all I care. Because while him and Jigga Man are busy putting up billboards, the Knicks were busy getting themselves a legitimate superstar. Plus Stoudemire’s nicknames are Black Jesus and STAT for Standing Tall And Talented. Boom right there he’s already a billion times better than anyone else the Knicks have right now.

P.S. Yo LeBron, the fuck you want to play in MJ’s shadow for and the fuck you want to stay in dumpass Cleveland for? Makes no sense. NYC is a billion times better than anywhere else. Mike D’Antoni is going to get you averaging triple-doubles. Do you know how serious that is? And between you and Black Jesus and the Rooster and Wilson Chandler and whoever Donnie Walsh can get for Eddy Curry’s expiring titties, that is a good fucking team right there. So get your shit together, throw on your Yankee hat and come sign on the dotted line with your boy Amar’e. Done and done.

Introducing The Car For Blind People

NY Daily News - Vision-impaired drivers could one day slide behind the wheel of a car. A prototype of a vehicle equipped with all the extras necessary to allow a sightless person to drive may be demonstrated as early as next year by the National Federation of the Blind and Virginia Tech, according to the Daily Telegraph. The cutting-edge technology, known as nonvisual interfaces, guides a driver along the road by transmitting vital information about other vehicles and objects. To help the driver safely reach a destination, the cars have innovations like vibrating gloves. The gloves contain vibrating motors that signal to the driver when and where to turn. A tablet called the AirPix, about half the size of a sheet of paper, features compressed air coming out of multiple holes. This interface basically creates a map of the objects surrounding a car, telling the driver whether there’s any obstruction in the road. When the car is tested, a blind driver will steer it around a course near the famous Daytona racetrack in an effort to stage a typical driving experience. Advocates for the vision-impaired call the prototype a “moon shot,” comparing it to President John F. Kennedy’s pledge to have a man land on the moon.

These blind motherfuckers got a lot of nerve huh? They got every motorhead genius in the world working on nonvisual interfaces and AirPix and vibrating gloves so that these idiots can drive 20 feet up the block to the braille store. Meanwhile Joe and Jill Public are driving their kids around in Toyotas with gas pedals that stick to the floor. Unreal. Hey I got an idea? How about you guys ditch the pie in the sky goodwill science projects and come help out the real people who actually have a chance at real life? Like I wish blind people all the best but not when they hog all the good research and technology. That’s just selfish. So maybe just throw your shades back on indoors and go back to fingering your book instead of trying to drive cars and that will settle it?

91 Year Old Woman Lives With The Embalmed Corpses Of Her Husband And Twin Sister

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zDg3NyiWUR4

WYALUSING, Pa. — The 91-year-old widow lived by herself in a tumbledown house on a desolate country road. But she wasn’t alone, not really, not as long as she could visit her husband and twin sister. No matter they were already dead. Jean Stevens simply had their embalmed corpses dug up and stored them at her house — in the case of her late husband, for more than a decade — tending to the remains as best she could until police were finally tipped off last month. Much to her dismay. “Death is very hard for me to take,” Stevens told an interviewer. As state police finish their investigation into a singularly macabre case — no charges have been filed — Stevens wishes she could be reunited with James Stevens, her husband of nearly 60 years who died in 1999, and June Stevens, the twin who died last October. But their bodies are with the Bradford County coroner now, off-limits to the woman who loved them best.

Why is this illegal? Serious question. Why can’t you embalm your loved ones after they die and stick them around the house? This poor old widow lives alone. The bodies are preserved. There’s no health risk or harm done to anyone around. So what the fuck? Bitch lived through 2 World Wars. I think she earned the right to stick her dead husband and twin sister on the sofa so she has someone to watch Murder She Wrote with. I would do the same exact thing if my bro dies today in his shithole apartment because the poor bastard can’t afford an AC unit. Have a taxidermist stuff that motherfucker up and stick him in a chair at the corner table of my apartment under the disco ball with his fingers propped up on the keyboard. Facebook open. G Chat screen open. Go over every few minutes and move his mouse around for him so he wouldn’t be Red Status all the time. Fuck the police. If keeping my bro's smut memory alive is wrong I don’t want to be right.

Hey Queen Elizabeth, Come Get Some!

(July 5) – Queen Elizabeth II will visit New York on Tuesday for the third time in her 58-year reign, addressing the United Nations General Assembly for the first time in half a century and making her first trip to Ground Zero, where she plans to lay a wreath. After spending nine days in Canada to celebrate Canada Day and the centenary of the Canadian Navy, the queen, 84, and her husband, Prince Philip, the Duke of Edinburgh, will cap off their North American journey with a whirlwind half-day in the Big Apple. It is the monarch’s first visit since 1976, when she was made an “honorary New Yorker” by Mayor Abraham Beame. Queen Elizabeth will deliver a mid-afternoon speech to delegates from 192 countries at the U.N., according to reports, her first address there since 1957, when she urged delegates to pursue peace and uphold civil rights. In Tuesday’s speech, reportedly penned by government officials but containing some of the queen’s thoughts, she will offer personal reflections and “appeal for world unity.”

Have ya had some Liz? Come get some you kinky little minx. Bitch hasn’t been here since ‘57, folks. This is a big deal. And as the newest Ambassador to New York City, I’d like to extend my warmest welcome. Maybe when you wrap up with that whole UN thing you can come by my apartment. Crush some Brewski’s and play some 6 cup Beer Pong. At this point I really think I might have more pull in this city than the General Assembly so maybe you should think about wooing my ass.

You know, the Queen of England and your boy aren’t all that different. Both of us have joke jobs in which we do fucking NOTHING. Only difference is she gets $57.8 million dollars a year and I get $57.80. Like just fifty seven dollars and eighty cents. But I heard she likes to creep on facebook too, so we got that in common. Gimme 60 minutes alone with the Queen of England and I bet you I can fuck her. I’ll just talk about crumpets and earl grey and cricket for an hour and before you know it she’ll be wearing nothing but her crown.

It’s A Double Rainbow!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OQSNhk5ICTI

Listen I don’t want to be an asshole here, but I only see 1 full rainbow. The 2nd rainbow is questionable at best. So yeah the first rainbow is a big time rainbow, but don’t tell me you almost have a triple rainbow on your hands when it’s barely 1.5. Because that’s how you lose rainbow credibility in my book. Seriously act like a professional for once.

Dude Bought A Rifle To Kill The Aliens Living Under The Sun Who Are Planning Their Annual 36,000 Year Invasion

Hartford Courant - A Fairfield man was arrested Thursday morning after buying a high powered rifle to stop an alien invasion, police said. Fairfield Police Sgt. James Perez said Dane Eisenman, 57, responded to a classified advertisement for a .30-06 rifle about a month ago. While filing out the paper for the rifle, police said, he mentioned to the seller what he would be using the weapon for. “He said he was going to use the weapon to kill aliens,” Perez said. The seller was unsure if Eisenman was referring to space aliens or illegal aliens, Perez added. Sgt. Perez said Eisenman told the seller of the rifle every 36,000 years, aliens who live under the sun come to Earth to kill humans, and he needed to be prepared because “They’re going to be coming soon.”After the sale of the rifle, the man reported Eisenman to police. Sgt. Perez said Eisenman, who is a convicted felon, is legally prohibited from buying or owning a hand gun or rifle.

The dude selling the rifle has some balls huh? Listen, if you don’t want to sell your gun to the guy who needs it to kill the Aliens living under the sun who are getting reading for their traditional 36,000 year invasion that’s cool. But don’t play all mr nice guy, wish him luck and then call the cops the second he leaves your store. That’s bush league. Hey buddy if you’re that worried about him killing people/aliens/immigrants how about not selling him the rifle in the first place? I almost wish the Alien guy killed somebody first just to teach him a lesson. Like if anybody deserves to get arrested here it’s the seller for selling guns to people who he thinks are crazy. I totally hope the Alien Hunter gives him bad feedback on EBAY. “Like watch out. Seller reported me to cops after I bought product” That will teach his ass a lesson.

Do You Want A Casino At Suffolk Downs?

Boston.com - As negotiators in the state Legislature prepared to hash out a final gambling bill, the owners of the Suffolk Downs race track today unveiled their proposal for a resort-stye casino at the East Boston facility. Suffolk Downs chief operating officer Chip Tuttle said the casino could have as many as 5,000 slot machines, more than 200 card tables, a 400–to–600-room hotel, and upscale restaurants and shops. In addition, Tuttle said the owners would undertake a “major renovation” of the current horse-racing facility, including the grandstand and clubhouse. “We’d like to compete for a license to do a resort-style destination, a world class gaming facility with horse racing as a center piece,” said Tuttle at the track today. “We look at this is a large job creation, revenue creation, and enhancer of the local tourism economy.” Suffolk Downs is seen by many political observers as having a strong chance of winning a gaming license should the Legislature approve expanding gambling. The race track is in the district of House Speaker Robert DeLeo, a strong proponent of gaming who led his chamber’s approval of casino bill earlier this year. DeLeo’s father once worked at the track. Boston Mayor Thomas M. Menino also supports Suffolk Downs.

Listen I love Suffolk Downs. I’ve been going there whenever I make the trip up to Boston. But having said that I have to vote a strong NO FUCKING WAY to this proposal. I mean a casino in East Boston? Yikes. Way too fucking close to the city. You got to put this shit out in the middle of nowhere like Pittsfield or something. Some place where you can’t take a 5 minute cab ride and be there. This is just too fucking dangerous. Like anytime you’re slightly bored or having nothing to do you can just shoot down to the Casino and get your ass handed to you. If I wanted that type of temptation I’d move to Vegas. Just too close. Just too dangerous. Seriously if this passes I’m going to need to get some type of ankle bracelet that goes off whenever I enter the casino so they kick me out.

PS – What will happen to all the old Suffolk Downs regulars? Something tells me they like Suffolk just the way it is. Empty, disgusting and vile. It will be like when Moe opened Flaming Moe’s and it got all trendy and shit.