Say what you want about the Irish. The alcoholism. The fair skin. The small dicks. The list goes on. But don’t say they don’t have spirit. They’ve got passion. There's no other day out of the year where everyone is like “today, we’re all Italian!” “today, we’re all Puerto Rican!” But for a whole month every weekend this whole city celebrates the Irish. The only other group that has there whole own fucking month is the blacks. Ironic no?
The best part about the real St. Patricks Day in Manhattan is that it can fall on a weekday so you get this outrageous blend of degenerate drunks and normal people who are just going to work like it’s any old Thursday. I saw this girl who was no more than 16 years old on the sidewalk blacked out at like 5pm screaming “someone give me cheese and bread!” and she walked right past this woman who was in a power suit and sneakers with her heels in her hand bag who was walking from the office just trying to commute home to her family. I saw some dude waiting in line at at deli sucking face with this hog while a couple of dudes in suits were grabbing a late lunch. It’s like the only day of the year where you can witness shit like that.
Funniest shit for me had to be when I was at Blaggards with my big doofus Italian friend. We’re double fisting beer in a crowded bar with bagpipes playing and he’s like “Clancy I’m feeling lightheaded. I feel like I just ran somewhere really fast. I’m having a panic attack I gotta go outside.” So this big dumb guinea goes outside and takes a walk and eventually I find him outside the bar hunched over with his hands on his knees. Too much Irish, the fucking guinzo couldn’t handle it. I was like “somebody get this man a shot of marinara, STAT! We’ve got a wop who’s crashing!” I guess St. Pats isn’t for everyone.
The stars have aligned today unlike anything before*. St. Patty’s Day and the First Round of the NCAA tournament all crammed into 24 hours. It’s like a solar eclipse or some shit. You know when you’re in elementary school and your teachers are like “Don’t go outside! Its dangerous if you look at the sky!”
Well thats how I feel right now. I just got back to my apartment and I’m afraid to go outside. Way too dangerous. Its like the Super Bowl for Drunk Fireman. Boozy sluts everywhere. Gambling addicts on the edge of their seats as all these buzzer beaters keep falling. Penn State fans and Louisville fans are suicidal. Morehead State fans and the Temple Owls are fucking in the streets. Today this city might be consumed by bar brawls and STDs.
And I literally wouldn’t have it any other way.
*This has probably happened before. The first round always roughly coincides with St. Pats but I just can’t remember it ever happening the same day.
But for me, I just picked up a sausage egg and cheese biscuit and a sausage McMuffin from McDonalds on my walk of shame back from the upper east, I’m blogging in the same clothes as the night before, and its like 70 degrees as I wait for more college hoops. Happy St. Patrick’s Day indeed.
