Monday, April 30, 2012

Health Department Trying To Ban Happy Hour


NY Post – Happy hour in the city could end if Department of Health policy party-poopers go ahead with a proposal to outlaw beer and booze specials at bars and restaurants, sources told The Post. “It’s absolutely been discussed,” confirmed a department source. “It goes to show you the spirit with which they operate. Everyone is a child.” High-level conversations have gone beyond merely “throwing pencils on the ceiling and seeing what sticks,” another Health source revealed.  Sources said the happy-hour ban is being pushed by the agency’s marathon-running boss, Commissioner Thomas Farley, and is serious enough for one source to say the alcohol lobby had better find itself a good lawyer. Agency spokesman Sam Miller denied existing “plans to pursue any policy around discount-alcohol sale.” But sources said the anti-booze sentiment at the agency has reached a fever pitch, with officials recently asking state officials about the “legality of liquor in ice cream,” referring to potent products infused with bourbon, rum and tequila. A prohibition on discounted drinks is solidly in line with Farley’s goals, which he outlined in his “Take Care New York 2012” report. Farley said he aimed to “reduce risky alcohol use,” noting alcohol-related hospitalizations in 2006 were roughly 209 per 100,000 people. His goal was to reduce this number to 170 per 100,000 by this year. “DOH will advocate for policies that reduce access to alcohol by adolescents and for limits on sales practices in communities and campuses that promote drinking among adolescents and heavy drinking among adults,” the document reads.


Who tries to ban happiness? Might as well go ahead and ban Christmas and warm towels out of the dryer and brand new socks and puppies and everything else that brings people joy.

I’m not even kidding you, I think happy hour might be the most important thing in New York City. I think its what keeps the circle of life going. Every day, around 5 or 6pm, there are thousands of suicidal Cubicle Monkeys leaving work. And rather than killing themselves, they go to happy hour. Half price drinks and they drink away their suicidal tendencies. Every day, around 5 or 6pm, there are desperate women out there looking for love. They go to happy hour and find their mates. Maybe go home and make a baby. Happy hour preserves life. It creates life. It produces…happiness. You ban that and see what happens to this city. Suicides up, birth rate down. The end of New York City as we know it.

Fat Chick Suing The Bar For Discrimination Because They Wouldn’t Let Her Dance On The Bar

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Ashley Madison Ranks The Top 10 Most Adulterous Neighborhoods In New York

#1- Great Neck
#2- Park Slope
#3- Upper East Side
#4- Forest Hills
#5- Tribeca
#6- New City
#7- Douglaston
#8-Riverdale
#9- Howard City
#10- Garden City


#2 Park Slope huh? All the yuppies in Brooklyn apparently trying to get their extra curricular fuck on. You’ve been married a couple years. Got a kid and both have jobs in Manhattan. Not ready to move to the burbs so you compromise and live in Park Slop. Spend all your free time pushing your kid around Brooklyn in a stroller dreaming about your days when you lived in the city getting wasted and fucking whoever you wanted. So you sign up for a little Ashley Madison to get your cheat on. Right? Hey I ain’t judging I just tell it like it is.

#3 Upper East Side doesn’t surprise me one bit considering everything from like 78th street and up is a goddam orgy. I’m surprised there’s even enough people married and signed up for a cheaters website. But I guess there’s that ritzy side to the UES which is probably trophy wives married to old men who are dying for some young dick. Rich dudes who are sick of their gold digging spouses so they need to fuck a girl they don’t totally despise.
And how about Howard Beach gettin in the mix. Buncha racist guidos sleepin around. Hate crimes and adultery, thats what Howard Beach does!

Anybody Who Buys A Yankee Candle Not In Season Should Be Murdered


This girl and I almost got in a fist fight the other day buying a Yankee Candle. She was just wandering all over the store smelling every candle in the joint without a care in the world. She’d be like oh Beachwood smells great. I think we should get that one. Or how about Sun and Sand? Woman are you crazy!? You can’t buy summer candles in April. Everybody knows that. You got to go with Meadow Showers or Lilac Blossoms or some shit like that. Like honestly I didn’t even know people thought about buying candles that didn’t match up with the seasons. I feel that’s something a terrorist would do. I don’t care if Island Guava can literally suck my dick.  You got to stay in season.  Always.

PS – If my whole graduate school thing doesn't pan out, my next dream job would be a Yankee Candle name namer.

Fat Possibly Prego Chick and Her Fat Friends Mad At Iowa Bar For Not Letting them Dance On Stage


ABC - A self-described “plus sized” college student who was told she was “obviously pregnant” and “not pretty enough” to dance on a platform in a bar in Iowa is claiming she was discriminated against by the bar’s bouncers. Jordan Ramos, a 21-year-old University of Iowa student said she went to Union Bar in Iowa City, Iowa with her friends on March 3. She said she tried to get onto a platform where several of her friends were dancing, but was stopped by the bouncer, who said they were at capacity. Ramos said she waited until a few girls left, and again tried to go up. She was stopped again, which she said prompted her to ask, “What is the difference between the other girls up there and myself?” bouncer said ‘Look, you will never get up on this platform. Go back to the dance floor where you belong,’” Ramos told ABC News. A social work professor at the University of Iowa told Ramos to return to the bar. “She told my friends and I to go back and see if the same thing happens and to try to get them to say aloud ‘I am not allowing you up because of your size,’” Ramos said. Ramos asked the bouncer repeatedly why she could not dance on the platform. “He said, ‘You’re not pretty enough and you’re pregnant.’ I said, ‘I can tell you with 100 percent certainty that I am not pregnant.’ He then looked at my stomach and said, ‘You obviously are.’ They knew I was not pregnant; it was there way of calling me fat without having to actually say it,” Ramos said.


First things first.  I refuse to believe this chick isn’t pregnant. Come on honey. You’re 100% prego. I mean look at you.   Fucking huge.  But let’s for the sake of argument say that you are just naturally this fat. Fine. You still can’t dance on the platform. Just like you are too fat to work at hooters, be a model, be a stripper or do anything where looks are involved. I’m not even trying to be mean. But facts are facts. You are ugly. The last thing a club wants is ugly girls dancing around uglifying the whole joint. Nobody wants to see that shit. Fat chicks dancing is the ultimate buzzkill. That’s what makes people stop drinking, stop having fun and leave. That’s how clubs go out of business. Like you walk into a club and see a fat chicks shit jiggling all over the place you get the fuck out of dodge. So it’s not like going up there isn’t going to hurt anybody. Yes it is. It’s going to hurt business. It’s that simple. It’s nothing personal. You’re just fat and gross and need to stay in the shadows not the spotlight. It’s okay though…the world needs ditchdiggers too.

Man Suing BMW Claiming His Motorcycle Gave Him A 20 Month Erection


SAN FRANCISCO (WWJ) – Henry Wolf of California is suing BMW America and aftermarket seatmaker Corbin-Pacific claiming his issue began after a four-hour ride on his 1993 BMW motorcycle, with a ridge like seat. He said he’s had the erection non-stop for 20 months. And it comes with another side effect: The lawsuit says Wolf is “now is unable to engage in sexual activity, which is causing him substantial emotional and mental anguish.” WWJ Newsradio 950 spoke with Dr. Michael Lutz, at the Michigan Institute of Urology, who said there is no medical data to support the man’s claim. However, “It’s been long-known that compression of the neurovascular supply to the penis — if it’s compressed for a period of time, whether it be on a bicycle seat or some other device — it can actually cause prolonged numbness of the genitalia,” Lutz said.


Listen I’m no lawyer but even I see the obvious contradiction with Mr. Wolf’s lawsuit. On the one hand he says he’s been rock hard for 20 months. Two seconds later though he says he can’t engage in any sexual activity. Well what it is bro? You can’t have your cake and eat it too. Either you’re permanently hard and can fuck at a moment’s notice or you’re limp dicked and can’t perform in bed. Can’t be both. Case dismissed.

Cool Bike Rider Crash

Video


Fucking bike riders huh?   Taking bike riding so seriously.   Ha.   Serves em right.  Play a real sport chumps!

PS – For some reason I love the guy at the 5 second mark. The one who just steam rolls right into the pile and flips over a guy.    Is that guy blind or something?   I mean talk about making no effort to get out of the way or stop or anything.   Just full speed into the scrum and then ass over teakettle.

Friday, April 27, 2012

AshleyMadison.com Offering $1 Million To Any Woman Who Can Prove She Slept With Tim Tebow


CNBC – New York Jets backup quarterback Tim Tebow has a new challenge on his hands. AshleyMadison.com, a Web site that matches married people to pursue affairs, is offering $1 million to any woman who can prove she has had sex with the devout Christian, who has insisted he is still a virgin and will wait until he is married. “Sports and sex (and of course, infidelity) go hand in hand,” said Noel Biderman, founder of Ashley Madison, in a statement. “If Mr. Tebow is indeed abstaining from adult relationships, I would encourage him to find a nice lady or two and enjoy his youth and fame as much as possible.” Biderman will pay $1 million to any woman who can prove she sacked Tebow in bed and the offer extends through his first season in New York. Said Biderman: “I guarantee that no man of Tebow’s stature could survive a season in New York without succumbing to the temptations of the city.” Those who know Tebow might think differently.


Do you know what Ashley Madison just did? She just put a $1 million bounty on Tim Tebow’s ballsack. As if the guy needed any more help to get laid. He’s good looking. A professional athlete. A 2 time Heisman Trophy Winner and National Champion. Millions of dollars and more fame and recognition than any other athlete today. Pretty sure chicks would wanna fuck him as it is. And now on top of it all they get a one million dollar prize if they take a picture of his first ever O-Face.

The fucking rich get richer! I mean at what point do you start to buy into the whole religion thing? Forget about the miracles he’s pulled on the field. Off the field he has companies offering to pay people to have sex with him. Sluts out there are gonna be hunting him down looking to give him a million dollar blow job. Have him cum in a cup and bring AshleyMadison.com a million dollar DNA sample. Its fucking ridiculous. Tim Tebow won’t be able to leave the house ever again without women going on a rampage through town looking to rape him like its a goddam Axe commercial.

Now if you’ll excuse me I gotta go take dick pics of myself and photoshop Tim Tebow’s face on there.

PS – Hey Ashley can I get like a $10,000 bounty? Any girl who provides evidence they fucked me gets 10 large? How bout a grand? Hundred bucks?

Would You Rather – Date An Ugly Girl The World Thinks Is Hot, Or A Hot Girl The World Thinks Is Ugly?


Well this one right here is pretty much just an admission of how shallow you are. Do you care what other people think or not? Right? Its that simple? Wrong.

Its easy for a guy to be like, I’m picking the girl who looks like a smokeshow because I don’t care what everyone else thinks! As long as I go to sleep with a smoke and wake up with a smoke I don’t care what the rest of the world thinks! Yea alright, sure thing you simpleton. While you rest your head at night thinking about how pretty your girlfriend is, the only thing the rest of the world can talk about is why you date such a hog.

Whats the old saying? “No matter how hot a chick is, theres somebody whos tired of fucking her.” Thats because hotness fades in every guy’s eyes and eventually you just don’t care. The first times you’re with her you feel like a rock star and eventually you just stop caring. You know why? Because the “conquest” part is over. Its like winning the championship – its the ultimate pinnacle but its a temporary feeling. Eventually, once its not news that you bagged a smokeshow, you stop caring. Because the part thats really awesome about banging a hot chick is telling your friends the story and everyone knowing about it and talking about it. Walking into a room and she’s turning everyone’s heads. If that fades, its no big deal whether shes hot or not. Thinking that way, I’d rather just be with an ugly girl while the world puts me on some sort of pedestal because they think I landed a smokeshow. Almost like the Tom Brady treatment – Oh Jonathan really fucked up but he has a hot wife! Not really bitches shes magically ugly but all that matters is that you guys think she is! Perception is reality motherfuckers!

This Chick Wants To Fuck The Shit Out Of Mr. Irrelevant 2012

Video


Part of me definitely knows this is fake, but there’s that one shred of me that feels like this bird is an absolute loony tune and she really just wants some irrelevant dick inside her. Like the way shes talking in that video – thats crazy that you can’t really fake. She’s pretty out there. And she seems kinky and horny as fuck, no? Combine that with the hair, and I just don’t know.

All I’m saying is if there’s a chance I’m gonna be pick 252 or 253 in the 7th round, I got my fingers crossed the other guy goes first just on the off chance this chick is serious and wants to fuck. And Briana, I promise you that I am much, much, much more irrelevant than anyone who gets drafted to a professional football team. You wanna fuck some dude who’s humiliated and neglected? Look no further toots!

Swiss Woman Gives Up Food And Water To Go On A “Sunlight Only” Diet, Promptly Dies


London, April 26 (ANI): A Swiss woman starved to death after embarking on a spiritual journey which involved giving up food and water and attempting to exist on nothing but sunlight. The woman, who was in her fifties, apparently got the idea after watching the documentary film ‘In the Beginning, There Was Light’ which features an Indian guru who claims to not have eaten anything in 70 years. According to the Zurich newspaper Tages-Anzeiger, the unnamed woman decided to follow the radical fast in 2010. The woman died in January 2011 in the town of Wolfhalden in eastern Switzerland, the prosecutors’ office in the Swiss canton of Aargau confirmed on Wednesday. Spokeswoman Jennifer Rissi said prosecutors haven’t opened a criminal investigation over the woman’s death, The Daily Mail reported. Followers of the cult Breatharianism believe that the energy they save on digesting food and drink can be transformed into physical, emotional and spiritual energy. The paper claimed there have been similar cases of self-starvation in Germany, Britain and Australia. In 1999, Australian-born Verity Linn, 49, was found dead in a remote part of the Scottish Highlands after attempting a 21-day fast. Excerpts from her diary showed she was refusing to eat or drink in the belief it would ‘spiritually cleanse’ her body and ‘recharge her both physically and mentally.’


Hey lady I’m gonna go grab a cheeseburger for lunch, care to join me? No thanks... I just had a real big breakfast I’m stuffed with all this sunlight! Thanks though maybe nex….AHHHH I’M DEAD!

Serious question is this bitch the stupidest person in the history of existence? I’m just gonna give up water and food and eat sunlight. Whats for lunch toots? A sunlight platter with a side of wind. What did she eat for dinner? Early bird special for her I’m assuming. No such thing as a late night snack when all you eat is sunlight.

You know what the stupidest fucking part of this is? Even stupider than having this idea for a diet in the first place? When you’re on like day 19 of eating nothing but sunlight, and its pretty fucking clear this shit ain’t working, don’t you think you’d give up?? Don’t you think you’d be like “Hmmmm I guess that food and water thing is actually pretty legit, maybe that Indian guru was just stringing me.” I bet this chick was like 20 days deep and she could tell she was on her death bed and she went outside to binge on sunlight and it was a fucking cloudy day. Night night bitch! No soup for you! Its overcast!

Hey at least you can die super tan. Open casket nigga!

99 Year Old Divorces His Wife After Finding Out She Fucked Some Dude In The 1940′s


Telegraph – An Italian couple are to become the world’s oldest divorcees, after the 99-year-old husband found that his 96-year-old wife had an affair in the 1940s.  TheItalian man, identified by lawyers in the case only as Antonio C, was rifling through an old chest of drawers when he made the discovery a few days before Christmas. Notwithstanding the time that had elapsed since the betrayal, he was so upset that he immediately confronted his wife of 77 years, named as Rosa C, and demanded a divorce. Guilt-stricken, she reportedly confessed everything but was unable to persuade her husband to reconsider his decision. She wrote the letters to her lover during a secret affair in the 1940s, according to court papers released in Rome this week. The couple are now preparing to split, despite the ties they forged over nearly eight decades – they have five children, a dozen grandchildren and one great-grand child.


Whats that? You fucked some dude 60 years ago? Peace out bitch! 8 decades down the drain. EIGHT! Thats fucking insane! Vast majority of people don’t even live 8 decades, let alone dedicate them to loving some chick who was secretly getting stuffed during World War II.

This is why I don’t cheat. Its borderline impossible to get away with. There’s always some mix up at some point and the person you’re with finds out. I mean this chick got away with it for sixty years. 6-0. Maybe even upwards of 70. After like 25 years you gotta think you got away with it Scot free, right? You’re thinking there’s gotta be some statute of limitations on being held culpable for cheating. Like everyone knows the classic ones like “Its not cheating if you’re in a different area code.” “Its not cheating if its a celebrity” Well theres gotta be some sort of thing like “Its not cheating if it happened 70 fucking years ago.” If fucking thirteen Presidents have come and gone since you fucked someone, you have gotta be thinking you’re off the hook.

Nope! Dust off that 96 year old pussy babe! Because you’re as single as they come. Make a match.com profile or something. “96 year old divorcee looking to rekindle the lust I had during FDR’s 3rd term.”

Why Do Chicks Hate The Word Moist So Much?


New Yorker – Last Friday, we débuted “Questioningly,” a Twitter-based game show. In the first installment, we asked readers to propose a single English word that should be eliminated from the language. Suggestions were made via Facebook or Twitter, with the hashtag #tnyquestion. We started the contest with high hopes that readers would help to streamline the language. In the end, there was a runaway un-favorite: “moist.” People, particularly women, evidently prefer aridity. We’re not the first people to document this widespread aversion. Jesse Sheidlower (@JesseSheidlower), the Editor at Large of the Oxford English Dictionary and a spirit-consultant for the competition—by that, we mean that we told him about it, and drew strength from him as we conducted it—pointed out that it’s been written about widely, and he’s right: Ben Zimmer posted a piece about anti-moist forces at the Visual Thesaurus.


I spend a lot of time with friends debating the differences between men and women. I’m almost as much of a sociological professor as I am a professional human being. I’ve been in search of the one thing I can pinpoint that differentiates men from women. In this world today, there’s so much shit going on, its hard to say with certainty that men do one thing that women absolutely do not do, or vice versa. Like at one point in history you could probably say “girls suck dick and guys don’t.” Obviously thats out the window. For Christ’s sake with sex changes and operations and whatnot you can’t even say penises and vaginas are exclusive to the male or female gender.

So I tried to get more specific with my observations. I noticed that guys have no problem sitting down at a bar completely all by themselves with no intention of meeting up with someone, eating a meal and watching whatever is on TV there. Most chicks would never be caught dead doing that. But, its not definite. Girls will walk down the street with the arms crossed. Guys don’t ever do that. We swing our arms. Put our hands in our pockets. But we don’t walk with our arms folded. But none of this shit is definite.

But I think I’ve finally discovered one. Over the course of my travels, I have learned that the ONE, single difference between men and women is that chicks have a completely irrational fear and hatred of the word “moist.” Without fail I promise you if you ask any female you meet, they will tell you they think “moist” is appalling. Many will say the same about “fingerbang,” but 100% of the female population hates the word moist. They can’t hear it. They can’t even see it in print. If they are forced to type it out, they will use an asterisk like “m*ist.” Its probably because it makes them think of vaginas and all the weirdness that comes with those things. I’m not really sure to be honest. But its what separates men from women. Not dicks and vaginas. Not sexual behavior. If you can hear or see the word “moist” and be completely unaffected and go about your life – you’re a dude. If you hear it and you cringe and gag and throw up in your mouth a little and yell at the person who said it to never say it again – you’re a chick.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Best Postseason in Sports?

Take a look at what we're talking about here. I mean, the Stanley Cup playoffs are a two-month physical and mental grind. Think about that. That's two months where you play just about every other day. With each passing game, you're more beat up, but you keep going. The guys grow those "playoff beards" because they want to look like they feel—worn. They play through injuries that would make a college hoops kid cry for his mom. And, we know that most baseball players can't play with even the slightest ailment. Only in the Stanley Cup playoffs could you find a guy like Bobby Baun, who scored a Cup clinching goal while playing on a broken ankle!

The NCAA tournament is a nice gambling event for America. Last spring, I think I was the only person in the country who didn't have a "bracket." That's the biggest draw for the NCAA tournament. It's the chance for the average Joe or Jane to win some extra dough by picking games between schools that they would have trouble locating on a map. That's cool. But really, you could do the same type of tourney with our top high school hoop teams and—as long as there's a bracket—people will get into it. 
Take away the office pool and the tournament becomes less interesting. However, I give a lot of credit to the NCAA for realizing this was the reason for their success and expanding the tournament to take advantage of the gambling. 



I do dig the baseball playoffs. I like the tension. And, like the Cup playoffs (and unlike the NCAA tourney), you're dealing with guys playing at the highest level of their sport. But, on the ice, we've had just as many upsets and unexpected heroes as you might find on the diamond. And, yes, you just might find some fourth liners on the ice late in a Game 7. And, if that close game is tied at the end of regulation, we play next goal wins. Overtime is crazy! I can't tell you how many times that I've heard from both diehard and casual hockey fans, "there's nothing like playoff overtime." No, there isn't. There's nothing in sports like the Stanley Cup playoffs.

Monday, April 16, 2012

Why I hate California. Part Deux.

California is like the second most beautiful and gifted girl in the class (of 50 students, New York is obviously #1), who took up with a boy from the wrong side of the tracks (the left) and ended up in a dilapidated trailer park puffing on a cigarette and chugging cheap whiskey.


California is so overrated. Let's start:


  1. Weather is highly overrated. Cold and foggy. 
  2. Costs for routine things are ridiculous (gas, register a car, etc). Demonstrates complete mismanagement of the state.
  3. Try to engage with government on any level…what a joke (drivers license, register vehicle, pay a tax bill in person, etc). Aside from never being open, the lines are horrible and the competence of the employees in most of the levels of government border on 1st grade education. The state and local government here really is the ‘employer of last resort’
  4. Environmentalist wackjobs – the original California fruits and nuts: When people talk about how California is the land of fruits and nuts, they’re not talking about grapes and almonds (although those used to be bountiful crops of our fertile California farmland). No, they’re talking about the people who have made it a lot harder to grow grapes and almonds – or businesses of any kind, really.
  5. California schools stink: In CA they keep running the same experiments, over and over, to see if they can get new and better results! Nowhere is this insanity more heartbreaking than in the state’s public schools. They are a disgrace. And just like other school systems across the country that are entrenched in unions, massive financial waste and too many administrators, California’s schools are a case study in failure. A couple of very recent examples should bring this home.Your (California) tax dollars at work!
  6. California colleges stink too: Let’s leave elementary school behind, and go to college (which is more than those kids in Oakland will be able to do). Let’s visit the vaunted University of California system, which used to be the pride of the state. These days, not so much, as it has become overrun with the very worst kind of leftists. But our example today involves a particularly sickening display of absolute disregard for free speech. It started when Muslim students rudely and repeatedly disrupted a speech by the Israeli ambassador. You really have to see the video to appreciate the level of disrespect shown here. Now here’s the kicker. The Orange County District Attorney is charging them with misdemeanor criminal charges for their behavior, which, as there is apparently a law against this type of malicious disruption, is understandable, since video shows them clearly breaking said law. However, a hundred of UC Irvine’s finest professorial minds have come together to protest the D.A.’s attempt to do his job. They want the D.A. to drop the charges, they say. Let the healing continue, they say (uh, what healing?). This sets a dangerous precedent, they say! After all, we can’t have students, especially Muslim students, prosecuted for illegal acts, now can we? Again – your (California) tax dollars at work!
  7. Illegals are ruining the state: Like every state which shares a border with Mexico, California is being overrun with illegals. Unlike every state which shares a border with Mexico, they welcome them with open arms. In fact, they pass out a pamphlet, in San Diego schools, showing (illegal) kids how to evade the immigration cops (they are, after all, the bad guys). This also has the added benefit of teaching all the children, including the American ones, that it’s okay to try to circumvent laws that are capital B Bad (like immigration laws, of course!). California carries a vastly disproportionate share of the nation’s welfare recipients. There are a number of dysfunctional reasons for this, but the fact that they encourage illegals to park it here clearly isn’t helping. Just for fun, let’s inject, right here, a note of sanity. Here’s a look at how a state full of sane people handles the problem of illegal aliens: They deport them, solve their prison overcrowding issue, and save millions of dollars. And to think they Hollywood people regularly mock the folks from Tennessee and surrounding states as backward hicks. Makes it pretty clear who’s REALLY got everything all bass-ackwards, now doesn’t it?
  8. California’s restrictive gun laws are NOT saving lives: When you outlaw guns, only outlaws have guns. Or crazy people that the state is too incompetent to find and disarm. Like the Californian who shot his mom 16 times before going next door to kill the neighbor and her 4-year-old daughter. He wasn’t supposed to have a gun. Oops. The New York Times article that tells the story, being, well, the New York Times and all, assumes that the problem is that the guy was EVER able to buy a gun, even before he “went crazy.” But that’s just because the NYT (and its little sister, the L.A. Times) are all batshit crazy themselves over gun control. Actually, California law enforcement might have plenty of time to find and disarm those who’ve been found mentally incompetent – if they weren’t busy handing out $600 traffic tickets in an effort to balance bloated California government budgets on the backs of the poor taxpayers guilty of nothing worse than a California stop! While we’re on the subject of crime, it’s good to know that California prisons have such tight security. Only one of the world’s most notorious murderers has gotten caught with contraband – a cellphone – again. So if you get a call from Charles Manson, just hang up. Chatting will only encourage him, and clearly the prisons in California aren’t equipped to curb this type of rule-breaking, so we’ll all have to do our part.
  9. You can never escape those dangerous earthquakes that occur a little too often. I don’t know about you, but I like my ground to remain stable, thankyouverymuch. Another thing I like: living without the fear of wildfires burning me to a crisp as I sleep.
  10. I can barely watch The Real Housewives of the OC without cringing, and cant imagine having to see these women (and the millions of others just like them in Cali) in real life.  I might freak out, melt down, and have to get Botox to regain any sense of normalcy.
  11. Seeing famous people every day might be cool, but knowing that some of the world’s most obnoxious and utterly ridiculous celebrities call that state home kind of turns me off.  I might just gag if I have to see Heidi or Spencer one more time on TV or in a magazine. Seeing them in person? Well, I think I’ll stay on the opposite side of the country.
  12. California traffic is known to be ridiculous, and coming from the fast paced New York City lifestyle, I’m not sure that would quite work for me.
  13. Run down construction and housing
  14. Overpriced pathetic housing
  15. Rude arrogant people
  16.  Everything between the nice scenery is pretty dirty
  17. Most importantly, I’d probably miss my Timberland boots, my peacoat, my scarf and knit hat (oh, and states where gay couples can be married).  And who can turn down a good snowball fight?  Looks like I’ll be staying on the East Coast for a while ... or forever. Thank god. 
From a friend: "I have to live here, if you don't then don't! It is so fucking expensive, over-crowded with foreigners and their 5 kids stealing all the jobs, over-regulated with stupid laws and a million Gestapo-like cops, and over-taxed (10%). I can't wait to get the fuck out. I wish i could go now! There's 3 good things about California though, they are, the weather, the weather and the weather! Screw this Golden Nazi Hell hole!" 

Can we give California to another country? Maybe China is interested?


10 Reasons Why the East Coast is Better Than the West Coast

Which coast is better: the East Coast or the West Coast? Both have their advantages and drawbacks, and in many areas it is a close call. But in the end, the East Coast wins the contest. Here are ten reasons why everybody knows the East Coast dominates the West Coast…

10. The East Coast is Real
Think about what the West Coast (most notably California) is most known for. Hollywood, the silver screen, plastic surgery, perceived low work ethic, trendy, and superficial notions. The West Coast is fake. People there are laid back to the point where they get virtually nothing done, and no work ethic is exhibited, trends and styles change on a whim based on whatever the latest celebrity or designer says, plastic surgery is modifying people’s bodies at an all-time high rate, and Hollywood dominates the ideology of much of the area. The East Coast could not be more opposite than that. People there are workaholics, often putting in over 60 hours at their place of work in order to either keep up with competition or rise up the corporate ladder. Most people are genuine and it is easy to tell what kind of person they are upon first meeting them. Drugs and crimes do not run rampant across entire regions in the east as they do in the west, and celebrities do not run the cities. I mean, come on, Arnold Schwarzenegger is the governor of California! The Governor! I can’t take a state, or in this case, coast seriously when its major attraction gives all its power to a movie star.

9. Accents and Dialects


What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever heard a West Coast native say? Hella? “Mad *insert adjective of choice here*”? Maybe some abbreviation that’s indecipherable to anyone outside California? That’s what I thought. Get real folks. Everyone knows the East Coast has better words native to its lands, and oh by the way, have you ever heard a west coaster talk with an accent or dialect? I didn’t think so. Not like they do in the east. Massachusetts has had its famed “wicked” and over-exaggerated “ahhhh” sound demonstrated throughout history to the point that everyone instantly knows it. States south of Virginia exhibit the so-called “southern drawl” that has been made famous by country music and barbeques everywhere. New Yorkers even somehow manage to insert the letters “o” and “w” into nearly every word in the dictionary: New Yawrk (New York), cawffee (coffee), wawter (water), wawrk (work). Every region in the east has its own dialect or accent to its credit, and while not really contributing anything tangible to society, it sure makes thing interesting and unique, something the West Coasters cannot duplicate.

8. Variety
As mentioned before, on the East Coast it is possible to drive through numerous states in a matter of hours. While on this journey one can see another fact that makes the East Coast better than the west: variety. Variety in people, places, culture, history, and diversity. What’s great about the east is that it’s not just northern California and So Cal and then Washington and Oregon, it’s a mishmash of different kinds of people and those differences are reflected in their states. Florida is a haven for vacationers and retirees; North and South Carolina for their delightful mix of beach life and southern zest; New Jersey (a.k.a. the “Dirty Jerz”) is infamous for the attitudes of its residents; New York is the city that never sleeps and where everything happens at an amazingly fast pace; Massachusetts and Connecticut are sports nuts and the backbone of America’s academia; Vermont and New Hampshire have their share of “hippies” and cows; and Maine – well, the moose and lobster live up there. Every state offers something completely different than the last, and there are so many more opportunities to experience the world within this great country on the East Coast.

7. Shorter International Travel
Want to travel outside the US? Care to try your hand in Britain or France? Maybe Germany and Italy are more your style. Mexico, Canada, South America, and Africa are also at your fingertips. Live on the East Coast and travel to Europe is easy. Hop on a plane in virtually every major city and you will find yourself cruising at 20,000 ft over the smaller of the two major oceans, right into the vacation of your dreams. Settle in the west and, yes you can still travel internationally, but only to the likes of Mexico, Australia, Japan, China, or the Philippines. While some of these places are undoubtedly nice travel destinations, the facts remain that more vacationers travel to Europe than to China or Japan, and with the proximity to our eastern neighbors, why not go pay them a visit?

6. Statistically… the East is the Best
Look up any database that compiles and categorizes statistics by state, and you will see that quite literally, the East Coast is the best of the best. The East Coast has the smartest state (Vermont), the biggest city (New York City), the richest state (Connecticut), lowest obesity rate (ALL of New England), best dressed (New York, Connecticut, Washington D.C, and Boston) and more. It’s the biggest, most clever, and most physically fit. Oh and not to mention, the president lives on the East Coast. That’s right, the most powerful man on the planet has always chosen to make his residence on the coast with more to offer. As awesome as the governator is, I don’t think that anyone can counter that point, even Arnold.

5. Sports
East Coast sports are better than yours. It’s a fact. Seriously, look at the numbers. East Coast teams have won of the last 17 of the last 23 world championships, and that same number, 17, is the number of NBA titles the Boston Celtics have won in their history. No sport is spared: MLB has seen a team from the east win 5 of the last 7 World Series titles, 8 of the NFL last 10 Super Bowl champions are from the east, even the NHL saw 4 of its last 6 championship teams hoist Lord Stanley’s Cup in victory somewhere on the East Coast. And I’ll do you one better: the Boston Red Sox vs. the New York Yankees. Two of the most storied sports franchises in history, and the most bitter, hated, violent, rivalry that transcends all sports. Even if you’re not a fan you either love or hate one of these two dynasties. The best teams provoke fan reactions no matter what, and this is never truer than in the Bronx for a Game 7 Championship Series. Game over West Coasters. Nothing beats the Yankees and the Sox battling it out every summer. Nothing.

4. Proximity and Size
“They just decided they were sick of drawing border lines so they went, square, square, square, kind of square, Idaho, more squares, and whatever’s left we’ll call California”. This is the conversation I always have with people in regards to geography of the US. It’s no secret that the East Coast is split up hundreds of ways on the map with each state taking the shape of a puzzle piece that must be put together. As you move west, this changes after the likes of Indiana, Michigan, and Missouri. Next time you look at a map consider the above quote and I dare you to disprove it. That being said, the East Coast and all its crazy borders is a good thing. The states are smaller, so there are more of them, which means you can visit many of them in the span of a few days. To drive the entire state of California from tip to tip would take you 15 hours, and you will not leave the state! Drive 15 hours on the East Coast and you could go from Vermont (yes, it’s a state – the one next to New Hampsh…err… New York. No, not the city) to Charlotte, North Carolina. That’s nine states. Nine. Google it if you don’t believe me. There’s so much more to see in the East, and besides, who wants to drive for that long and not even see a single welcome sign?

3. Climate
Ok, ok so here’s where people get confused. “Why would the East Coast ever have a better climate, it gets COLD there! I mean, they have, like, blizzards and ice storms!” First off, yes, it does snow a good amount in the East. Blizzards roll through and ice storms ravage the area with bitter cold temperatures far into the negative values. But the crazy thing, and part of what makes the East so unique, is that the people there, particularly those in New England, will tell you they love it and can’t imagine life otherwise. East Coasters from Maine all the way through parts of Florida expect to be cold for anywhere from 2-7 months of the year, and it’s just sort of accepted. People either embrace it and do things like ski or snowshoe, or they, well, leave; they travel to places like Florida or California. Those who hate the cold find ways to avoid it. And hey, nobody ever said fireplaces weren’t inviting on a -40 degree day. Second, there’s something else to be said for all the weather the East Coast receives: it happens. 4 unique and distinctly separate seasons are a major part of what makes the East so appealing. Spring, summer, autumn/fall, and winter, these are the four yearly seasons for those of you in sunny Cal or rainy Seattle who forget that there actually are four of them. Which one is the best? Take your pick; spring gives new life to the year and offers a break from those stricken with cabin fever from the cold, summer is still summer, autumn offers a bloom of color on the landscape along with tasty treats from newly ripe apples, and winter, daunting as it may seem, can be a lot of fun if you make the effort. I know a few West Coasters who have changed their mind about the snow once they experience all you can do in it.

2. History
You can’t throw a stone on the East Coast and not hit something of historical value, (unless you’re in, say, West Virginia or something). The East coast is drenched in history, and for good reason. The East has the first British colony ever settled on North America (Jamestown, VA), the first state admitted to the Union (Delaware), the first University (Harvard 1636), the first daily newspaper (Pennsylvania Packet and General Advertiser, Philadelphia, 1784) and about a hundred other things. Of course this is not exactly fair to the West Coast, as the US was settled by Europeans, but it remains true nonetheless. From its traditional, 200-year-old, red and white brick buildings and picturesque city streets to the harbors, libraries, and countryside, the East Coast is history. After all, it’s pretty cool to know that when you step foot in Philadelphia, you are just a few short blocks from where this country was founded. Sorry California, you just can’t compete with that.

1. Sunrises
Who doesn’t love a good sunrise? Well, if you’re from anywhere other than the East Coast, you may not have had the luxury of seeing a true sunrise in all its majesty. Let me just say there’s nothing like it. If you’re fortunate enough to live on the tidal coast or have mountains nearby, you are the lucky few who get this opportunity. Sure, anyone can see a sunrise so long as they get up early enough. It doesn’t matter where you are, the sun always comes up. Well, of course, but until you experience the sheer natural beauty; the sudden and immediate change from darkness to twilight and finally to daylight; the yellow and orange of the sun mixing with the blue and green of the waters and mountains; until you see it for yourself, you can’t ever say you’ve seen a sunrise as good as the ones on the East Coast. Camp out at the top of a mountain and watch as the rays of warmth from the sun slowly creep over the valley below for the first time, or take a loved one to the beach and lie in the sand as the light and color engulf your bodies. I assure you, it’s breathtaking. Not to mention – when the sun rises on the East, it rises on America. It begins a new day, week, month, or year, and offers a fresh start from any troubles past. If that’s not awesome symbolism then I don’t know what is.

California Sucks


I’m just going to come out and say it.  The only reason people live in California is because of the weather.  That is what makes California what it is.  If you somehow airlifted California and dropped it on top of Saskatchewan, leaving everything else intact, people would flee the state en masse because it’s a crappy state to live in.
I have always been skeptical about people who move to a place because of its weather.  The reason is simple.
Suppose you’re an archaic homo sapien, say, circa 900,000 years ago.  Your middle eastern stomping grounds are getting kind of crowded and you’re an ambitious young buck who wants to be the chief of your own tribe.  Why not?  The chief always gets the hottest tail.
East?  Nah.  Persian gulf.  West?  Nah.  Mediterranean Sea.  South?  Nah.  People live there.  North?  Sure!  That sounds good.
Except the farther north you go, the farther into Europe you go.  And guess what?  It’s freaking cold in Europe, and cave bears who literally stand 12 feet tall live in all of the caves.  If you’re a half-wit, you’re going to either freeze to death or get eaten by a cave bear.  It’s harder to live in cold places.  I argue that if the entire world had the climate of California, we would still be living in caves because there would never be any incentive to progress any further.  You aren’t going to freeze to death and there’s food growing on trees year-round because it’s sunny, warm, and 75 degrees for 350 out of 365 days per year.  Nothing inspires creativity and ingenuity like otherwise inevitable starvation and hypothermia.
You’ll note, mind you, that most of the people who start enormous businesses that everybody has boners for like fucking Google were started by people who emigrated to the state from somewhere else because they were sick of winter.
I’m not going to deliver a littany of all of California’s problems; you know what they are.  I will instead share with you a brief anecdote: my college buddy who hails from Capetown, South Africa moved out to California with a girl who grew up about 10 minutes from where I currently live on the east coast (although her family came from Boston).  They love the weather.  They live near fucking Google’s offices.  But she is now pregnant and they are seriously talking about moving back to the east coast.  Obviously, part of it is so that she can be close to her mother.  But the biggest part is the fact that they have no chance in hell of buying real estate in California.  They complain about the taxes and they don’t want their children going to school with classes half full of illegals who don’t speak English.  She is a raging liberal, by the way, and they both voted for Obama.

Despite the reality of California, Time posted this bullshit in 2009.  To quote:
Its voters approved huge bonds for stem-cell research, high-speed rail and repairs to aging infrastructure while Washington was dragging its feet; its politicians adopted first-in-the-nation greenhouse-gas regulations, green building codes and efficiency standards for automobiles and appliances that have rearranged the national energy debate. Yes, it was also an early adopter of subprime mortgages — Countrywide, Golden West and IndyMac were all California-based — but life on the frontier has always been risky.
This paragraph is trying to make it sound like California is cutting-edge and that these supposed pros are actually a good thing.  Stem-cell research?  How is that good?  Greenhouse-gas regulations?  When your children are laughing at you for being so fucking retarded that you actually believed in global warming, remember that you read this blog and if only you had listened to me you wouldn’t have elected some assclown who raised your energy bills by 25% so you could pay for an imaginary solution to an imaginary problem.
And of course, the coup de grace of this piece: yes, our companies fucked the entire nation with subprime mortgages, but “life on the frontier has always been risky.”
What the fuck.   What frontier?  The pacific ocean?  Give me a break.  So when California adopts bullshit expensive legislation that does nothing but bankrupt them they’re leading us with steady,  sage-like wisdom and carrying the torch for the nation’s progress, but when its companies play a huge part in throwing the entire world into a recession, we’re supposed to chalk it up to the romantic notion of the wild wild west?  You’ve got to be kididng me.
Normally I wouldn’t give a shit because blaming a U.S. state for problems caused by companies that are headquartered there is fucking stupid, but the author of this propoganda turd does so fully in trying to establish how great California is because fucking Google has its offices there and Steve Jobbs invented the iPhone in San Francisco.  It works both ways, jack ass.
The 1855 book The Land of Gold dismissed it as “lawless, penniless and powerless.”
The author of The Land of Gold – yes, we underline book titles – was a prophet.  See?  Some ideas stay relevant for a very long time and don’t require “progress” to correct.  Another example of this would be the United States Constitution.  Lawless?  If immigration is the standard, then check.  Penniless?  Who would deny that?  Powerless?  Debatable.  But money talks and bullshit walks, so no matter how sunny it is in the Sunshine State, if California’s coffers are empty and its checks bounce, then no one will care what “California” thinks.
TIME published a woe-is-California issue called “The Endangered Dream” in 1991 after the aerospace industry collapsed.
But of course.  TIME was wrong then, but now it’s right.
But even with 12% unemployment, California still has an enviably young and productive workforce.
It’s amazing what happens when millions of Latinos flee the stinking shit holes they were unlucky enough to find themselves born into and grab on to the sides of trucks heading north to wind up in a slightly less stinking shit hole where they can collect free services and become parents of American citizens and therefore virtuall undeportable simply by having unprotected sex.
There’s only so many lawns that need to be cut and so much trash that needs to be picked up.  That young productive workforce is unskilled labor that quite frankly we can do without.  The only reason California gets away with it isbecause these people are illegal and they get paid under the table.  If California’s young, productive workforce were legal and then tried to compete with China’s young, productive, and massively cheaper workforce on unskilled labor such as manufacturing, they’d get their asses kicked.
When it comes to energy, California is not just ahead of the game; it’s playing a different game. Its carbon emissions per capita are less than half the U.S. average. And from 2006 to ’08, it attracted $3 of every $5 invested in U.S. clean tech — five times as much as the No. 2 state. It’s by far the national leader in green jobs, green patents, supply from renewables and savings from efficiency. It’s also leading the way toward electric cars, zero-emission homes, advanced biofuels and a smarter grid: its electric utilities plan to install smart meters in every California home.
 
Bwahahaha.  Total waste of time and money.  This just makes an already expensive place even more expensive.  And you wonder why California is bankrupt?  Not, of course, that there is a direct correlation between its budget woes and it’s green industry – I’m sure there isn’t – but this kind of senseless and stupid government regulation is merely a symptom of a deeper problem – a legislation prone to believe in stupid things and voters prone to elect stupid people who also believe in stupid things themselves.
This public-sector foresight has created alluring opportunities for the most tech-savvy private sector on earth. The venture capitalists behind the high-tech and biotech booms see clean tech as the next big score.
This is called milking a fad for all it’s worth.  Liberals hate the rich.  This is what the rich do.  They play on the public’s mass stupidity, make a fortune selling them stupid shit they don’t need, and then laugh all the way to the bank in their 16 cylinder 8mpg hogs with supermodels bobbing on their dicks.
But the state’s business culture fetishizes long-shot ventures and game-changing ideas. Failure is appreciated, not stigmatized, and an entrepreneur without a few busted start-ups on his résumé is almost suspect.
Where do I sign up?
I need to stop.  TIME magazine will probably sue me if I keep quoting their bullshit story about bullshit California.
Ugh.

Friday, April 13, 2012

“Are You Dating A Man Or A Boy? 10 Home Goods That Will Tell You”

LemonDrop - As any girl in the dating world will tell you, you can tell pretty much all you need to know about a potential boyfriend from the house he keeps. We’re not saying emotional maturity is reflected in one’s furniture … except, yeah, we kinda are. It’s not about whether or not the guy has money; it’s about whether or not he’s learned to make his house a home without Mom’s help. So, without further ado, we’d like to present 10 home goods that separate the men from the boys.

More Than One Towel
Some guys will seem to be so grown up, but will have been drying themselves with the same fraying towel for six to eight months, because “it still works!” That towel will smell like seaweed and sewage. Bonus: a bathmat!

Q-Tips
Other non-essential toiletries are also accepted here. Q-Tips are a sign of a leisurely trip to the grocery / drug store, where you have time to think, Now what could I use in my house?

Alcohol
Hooch that is just around and not for immediate drinking purposes, that is. Walking into a guy’s house and watching him rifle through his fridge looking for that wine/liquor that’s just been sitting in the back for a while always filled me with hope that I wasn’t dealing with an alcoholic.

A Bed
A futon or a mattress just sitting on the floor will not do. Those metal bed frames that may be prison-issue are a good start.

A Strainer
A luxury kitchen item for a young man, because you can just use the pot and a plate / lid / your hand to execute the same task. A man with a strainer indicates either lots of spare income or a yen for cooking, and if you haven’t yet talked about past relationships, this may be a clue that he lived with a woman before.

Matching Silverware
This guy might have been married before.

Entertainment Center
Or at least some kind of enclosure around his DVDs and electronics. An Xbox 360 is a fine thing to have, but an Xbox sitting on top of two dented boxes of cereal is no good. DVD racks, guys — they help you see what you have.

Framed Art
For when a young man gets tired of gumming up the edges of his “Kill Bill” poster with tape.

Bedding
See also: something on the bed other than a dorm-issue blanket. We’re not asking for 300-thread-count sheets or tons of pillows, but, you know, sheets are nice. As are actual comforters. If the bed is too decked out, however, we get suspicious about your motives.

Perishable Food Stuff
it sounds silly, but how many guys’ houses have you been to where the only things in the kitchen are stale cereal, a thing of butter and a jar of pickles? How are you eating, guys?

Buckle up folks! We’re about to prove what everybody who reads this site already knows – I am not a man. I am a child.

Ordinarily I see these lists that broad’s write, and they are complete garbage, But I’m gonna give Emily Gordon props on this one. I think this may actually be a pretty legit raw list of what makes you an adult man.

1, More than 1 towel – FUCK. Not a good start for me. 0 for 1. Truth be told I had a 2 towel rotation going. However, about a week ago my friends made a mess playing beer pong so I sacrificed one of my towels to mop up a big puddle. This is one of those things I’m really not proud of and I even said to myself “For christmas, ask for more towels because this is getting ridiculous.” Sidenote – I also only have 1 pair of jeans.

2. Q Tips – This one is a push. I have Q tips, but only because my roommates are a bunch of Long Island Fairies from Chaminade. So they bought a package of like 1,000 of them. So technically, this doesn’t make me a Man, since I didn’t buy them. However, bottom line is my ears are clean. So, throw me a bone Emily Gordon. Im still 0-1.

3. Alcohol – In an ironic twist, I don’t pass this test either. Emily Gordon fucked me here with the “for immediate drinking purposes.” What am I supposed to just buy a complete excess of alcohol every time I go out? That seems a little unreasonable. I go to the liquor store and buy wine and then I drink the whole bottle. I go to the bodega and buy a 12 pack and drink all 12. Sorry I don’t have a fully stocked bar, Emily. 0 for 2.

4. A Bed – And we’re on the board folks! I have a bed, and a comfortable one at that. King size bed with tempurpedic pillows and mattress topper which are probably my most expensive belongings. However, I am sporting the metal bed frame that Emily just had to bring up. All my roommates have like nice wooden bedframes, and I just noticed the other day I was the only one who didn’t have it. But fuck it, she said bed, not bed frame so suck it. 1 for 3

5. A Strainer. I want everyone to envision the giant red Family Feud “X” in a box flashing on their computer screen right now. No joke I thought she meant a colander at first. Not that I have that either, but just showing that I didn’t even know what a strainer is. Big time swing and a miss here for me, 1 for 4

6. Matching Silverware – This is a severe problem in my apartment. Even the Chaminade Nancies can’t help me out here. I think I have a total of about 4 forks, 2 knives and a spoon. 1 for 5

7. Entertainment Center – Bingo Bango! I got one of those. But only very recently. I have a real nice TV that just sat on top of a wooden box that was only like 12 inches off the ground for a year. After I re-upped my lease I bought a TV stand and a a speaker system. 2 for 6

8. Framed Art – I got water color paintings framed in my bedroom and the living room. FIRE artwork. Don’t ask me why. I think one time I blacked out and acted like an adult. I’m making a little run here folks! Am I a Man? 3-7

9. Bedding - Blanket, sheets, pillows? Fuck else do you want? I don’t know. You want all those extra pillows that are “for show?” You’ve come to the wrong bed, toots. You’re lucky I’m still not in a Race Car Bed. And when I say sheets, I only mean the stretchy one that goes over your mattress. That second sheet that you need to tuck underneath the bed just ends up on the floor after one night. I don’t even bother putting it on anymore.3-8.

10. Perishable Food Stuff – Yea I got perishable food stuff. Problem is all that shit has perished. 4 for 9.

Final Verdict: 4 for 9, potentially 5 for 10 if you count the Q tips. Either way I’m pretty sure I fail. Also, I completely lack the ability to drink socially without blacking out and I’m almost 100% sure I have commitment issues. Pretty sure those are black marks when it comes to being called a “Man.” Well played, Emily Gordon of Lemon Drop. Well played, indeed. I will be coming up with a list of 10 things that determines whether you are dating a cool chick or an annoying broad in the near future.

What’s A Worse Feeling: Getting A Girl Pregnant Or Proposing To Her Then Finding Out The Kid Isn’t Yours?


So this happened to my buddy the other day. And while me and all my buddies were gossiping about it (I don’t know why I’m admitting to all this when I know he reads the blog), two schools of thought were formed. Half of us think getting a chick knocked up is worse, the other half thinks finding out the kid isn’t yours just a month before he’s born is worse. We’re talking all-around worse. Taking everything into consideration. The initial gut punch as well as the long term ramifications.

I’m firmly entrenched in the side that having a kid is worse. No one can convince me otherwise. I’ll even concede that the initial hit of finding out the mother of your “child” was getting deep dicked by someone else is harder to take. But you know what happens after that? You live the next 20 years of your life not supporting some snot-nosed kid. You go around doing whatever you want, whenever you want. That goes a long way towards healing a broken heart.  And yea the fact that you have to go through telling all your family and friends that the wedding is off and you were getting cheated on is definitely embarrassing. But I pissed my pants in kindergarten and that was embarrassing too. Guess what? I got over it. People get cheated on every minute and get over it. Your fiance fucking around doesn’t cost you like $400,000 over the next 18 years. Plus, telling a chick at the bar “Well I was just trying to be a man and do right by her, it turns out she was two-timing me the whole time” is instant pussy. Girls eat up that soft and sensitive shit.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Bring Patrick Kane to Buffalo!


I have to acknowledge to Sabres fans everywhere that I take full responsibility for the Sabres recent playoffs failures. On July 1, 2007 (a day that shall forever live in infamy) I issued a Pox on the House of the Buffalo Sabres. A curse, if you will. I made a very public announcement that the Sabres would never win another playoff series again, unless and until management figures out a way to pay back the fans for completely giving up on their team and their city on that fateful day. And as they were eliminated from playoff contention last weekend, the curse has now continued into it’s fifth season.
A little background: Coming out of the NHL lockout that forced the cancelation of an entire season, The Buffalo Sabres had assembled a rag-tag team of mostly nobodies that became the model of the “new NHL.” A team built on speed and four rotating lines that came at you from every direction. There were no superstars. Just hard-working, blue-collar grinders that played with heart and captured the imagination of the Western New York community. Buffalonians have always loved their Sabres, but during the 2005-’06 and ’06-’07 seasons, the love affair reached heights never before seen in Buffalo. The town was completely Sabres-crazed, and the Sabres returned the favor with excellent seasons making it to within 1 win away from the Stanley Cup finals in ’06 and nearly as close again in ’07 before finally running out of gas against an Ottawa team that was hellbent on making up for past playoffs losses to the Sabres. It sucked to lose, but man that was a great run. And the team was still young and was set up for what appeared to be a continuous stream of great hockey for years to come, like the Detroit Red Wings have enjoyed for nearly two decades now.
Then July 1, 2007 happened.
The Sabres played the “small-market victim” card when contract negotiations began with three of their emerging stars: Chris Drury, Daniel Briere, and Brian Campbell. And instead of doing everything the Sabres could to ensure the team captain (Drury) and the rest of the nucleus of the team stayed together, management crossed their fingers and hoped these players would agree to stay in Buffalo for less money – because they were part of something special. In today’s sports world, you know how this story ended. When the window for free agent signing opened on July 1, both Drury and Briere were gone in a heart-beat, with Campbell following their cues and leaving soon after. Management just shrugged their shoulders and said “we did everything we could” to keep them. Bullshit.
So, five years later and the Sabres have yet to win a playoff series – just as I’ve prophesied. This by no means makes me happy. I don’t say this to gloat. It just is what it is. So here is my idea for what management can do right now to turn the worm and win back the hardened skeptics…
Offer the Chicago Blackhawks whatever they want for Buffalo’s hometown hockey hero and Stanley Cup winning goal scorer Patrick Kane. No player or amount of players is off limits. Trade the whole damn team if you have to. And once this trade has been pulled off, build the team around him with local players from Western New York and Southern Ontario. Make it truly – our hometown team. There is a ton of great young hockey talent being bred in and around Buffalo.


For much of the history of the Montreal Canadiens (The NHL’s all-time winningest team), they did just this. They stocked their locker room with local French Canadian hockey players from all around Montreal and Quebec. The fans knew the players were one of them. Don’t underestimate how powerful this emotional connection can be between a team and its fans.
Imagine how great it would be for families in Western New York and Southern Ontario to have their sons grow up to play hockey for their hometown team? Whenever you’d attend a game at the arena, you’d bump into friends and family of the players all over the place. And if (dare I say when?) the Sabres win the Stanley Cup with this model, the fan reaction and outpouring of emotion would be nothing short of magical.
For a city that seemingly has had nothing going for it since the 1950′s, Buffalo needs this. More than any other sports town around. Anybody not from Buffalo who knows or is friends with somebody from Buffalo knows that we bleeeeeeed our teams. We take losses very personally. They hurt. Bad. We shrug it off, put on a brave face, and crack jokes… but we’re all hurting. Baaaaad.
This is just one jilted fans’ two cents, but could there be anything better than pulling this off for the long suffering fans of the Buffalo Sabres and their surrounding communities?