“Are You Dating A Man Or A Boy? 10 Home Goods That Will Tell You”

LemonDrop - As any girl in the dating world will tell you, you can tell pretty much all you need to know about a potential boyfriend from the house he keeps. We’re not saying emotional maturity is reflected in one’s furniture … except, yeah, we kinda are. It’s not about whether or not the guy has money; it’s about whether or not he’s learned to make his house a home without Mom’s help. So, without further ado, we’d like to present 10 home goods that separate the men from the boys.

More Than One Towel
Some guys will seem to be so grown up, but will have been drying themselves with the same fraying towel for six to eight months, because “it still works!” That towel will smell like seaweed and sewage. Bonus: a bathmat!

Q-Tips
Other non-essential toiletries are also accepted here. Q-Tips are a sign of a leisurely trip to the grocery / drug store, where you have time to think, Now what could I use in my house?

Alcohol
Hooch that is just around and not for immediate drinking purposes, that is. Walking into a guy’s house and watching him rifle through his fridge looking for that wine/liquor that’s just been sitting in the back for a while always filled me with hope that I wasn’t dealing with an alcoholic.

A Bed
A futon or a mattress just sitting on the floor will not do. Those metal bed frames that may be prison-issue are a good start.

A Strainer
A luxury kitchen item for a young man, because you can just use the pot and a plate / lid / your hand to execute the same task. A man with a strainer indicates either lots of spare income or a yen for cooking, and if you haven’t yet talked about past relationships, this may be a clue that he lived with a woman before.

Matching Silverware
This guy might have been married before.

Entertainment Center
Or at least some kind of enclosure around his DVDs and electronics. An Xbox 360 is a fine thing to have, but an Xbox sitting on top of two dented boxes of cereal is no good. DVD racks, guys — they help you see what you have.

Framed Art
For when a young man gets tired of gumming up the edges of his “Kill Bill” poster with tape.

Bedding
See also: something on the bed other than a dorm-issue blanket. We’re not asking for 300-thread-count sheets or tons of pillows, but, you know, sheets are nice. As are actual comforters. If the bed is too decked out, however, we get suspicious about your motives.

Perishable Food Stuff
it sounds silly, but how many guys’ houses have you been to where the only things in the kitchen are stale cereal, a thing of butter and a jar of pickles? How are you eating, guys?

Buckle up folks! We’re about to prove what everybody who reads this site already knows – I am not a man. I am a child.

Ordinarily I see these lists that broad’s write, and they are complete garbage, But I’m gonna give Emily Gordon props on this one. I think this may actually be a pretty legit raw list of what makes you an adult man.

1, More than 1 towel – FUCK. Not a good start for me. 0 for 1. Truth be told I had a 2 towel rotation going. However, about a week ago my friends made a mess playing beer pong so I sacrificed one of my towels to mop up a big puddle. This is one of those things I’m really not proud of and I even said to myself “For christmas, ask for more towels because this is getting ridiculous.” Sidenote – I also only have 1 pair of jeans.

2. Q Tips – This one is a push. I have Q tips, but only because my roommates are a bunch of Long Island Fairies from Chaminade. So they bought a package of like 1,000 of them. So technically, this doesn’t make me a Man, since I didn’t buy them. However, bottom line is my ears are clean. So, throw me a bone Emily Gordon. Im still 0-1.

3. Alcohol – In an ironic twist, I don’t pass this test either. Emily Gordon fucked me here with the “for immediate drinking purposes.” What am I supposed to just buy a complete excess of alcohol every time I go out? That seems a little unreasonable. I go to the liquor store and buy wine and then I drink the whole bottle. I go to the bodega and buy a 12 pack and drink all 12. Sorry I don’t have a fully stocked bar, Emily. 0 for 2.

4. A Bed – And we’re on the board folks! I have a bed, and a comfortable one at that. King size bed with tempurpedic pillows and mattress topper which are probably my most expensive belongings. However, I am sporting the metal bed frame that Emily just had to bring up. All my roommates have like nice wooden bedframes, and I just noticed the other day I was the only one who didn’t have it. But fuck it, she said bed, not bed frame so suck it. 1 for 3

5. A Strainer. I want everyone to envision the giant red Family Feud “X” in a box flashing on their computer screen right now. No joke I thought she meant a colander at first. Not that I have that either, but just showing that I didn’t even know what a strainer is. Big time swing and a miss here for me, 1 for 4

6. Matching Silverware – This is a severe problem in my apartment. Even the Chaminade Nancies can’t help me out here. I think I have a total of about 4 forks, 2 knives and a spoon. 1 for 5

7. Entertainment Center – Bingo Bango! I got one of those. But only very recently. I have a real nice TV that just sat on top of a wooden box that was only like 12 inches off the ground for a year. After I re-upped my lease I bought a TV stand and a a speaker system. 2 for 6

8. Framed Art – I got water color paintings framed in my bedroom and the living room. FIRE artwork. Don’t ask me why. I think one time I blacked out and acted like an adult. I’m making a little run here folks! Am I a Man? 3-7

9. Bedding - Blanket, sheets, pillows? Fuck else do you want? I don’t know. You want all those extra pillows that are “for show?” You’ve come to the wrong bed, toots. You’re lucky I’m still not in a Race Car Bed. And when I say sheets, I only mean the stretchy one that goes over your mattress. That second sheet that you need to tuck underneath the bed just ends up on the floor after one night. I don’t even bother putting it on anymore.3-8.

10. Perishable Food Stuff – Yea I got perishable food stuff. Problem is all that shit has perished. 4 for 9.

Final Verdict: 4 for 9, potentially 5 for 10 if you count the Q tips. Either way I’m pretty sure I fail. Also, I completely lack the ability to drink socially without blacking out and I’m almost 100% sure I have commitment issues. Pretty sure those are black marks when it comes to being called a “Man.” Well played, Emily Gordon of Lemon Drop. Well played, indeed. I will be coming up with a list of 10 things that determines whether you are dating a cool chick or an annoying broad in the near future.