Dude In SoHo Selling $900 Christmas Trees

NY Daily News – A lot in the heart of SoHo is selling jumbo-sized trees at prices that would clean out Ebenezer Scrooge’s pockets. Timber hawker Scott Lechner, 53, charges as much as $900 for Christmas trees he ships from the Blue Mountains in North Carolina to his temporary business on Sixth Ave. and Spring St. “A regular tree is beautiful, but one of our jumbos is majestic,” Lechner said Saturday. “It’s not just a tree, it’s an experience. And it’s worth every penny.” While most shoppers would spit out eggnog in disbelief at the prices, Lechner said he’s making bank off his branches. Since opening shop Friday, he has sold 40 trees between 12 and 17 feet in height. A 12-foot Fraser fir retails for about $400, and a 17-footer goes for $900. His clients have been celebrities, a Facebook executive and SoHo residents. Lechner said his prices are high because the trees come to his lot within 96 hours of being cut. “People sometimes come up to me and complain about my prices,” Lechner said. “I tell them, ‘Go try to find a better tree at a better price.’ You can’t.”

Nothin says Christmas spirit like robbing motherfuckers blind! You know how much my Christmas tree costs? Zero dollars. Thats because I pop my shit out of the same cardboard box every year and put together those plastic branches like a goddam puzzle. Fake tree for life bitches. And people who get all up in arms about that shit can suck it. Real trees are for the birds. #1 thing people say to me is “Jonathan, what about the smell!” What about it? Real trees smell like a dirty forest. Awesome. Thats just what I want me living room to smell like. And they shed needles all over the place, and to be perfectly honest they arent conducive to hanging lights or ornaments. My fake tree is a perfect triangle with about 80,000 branches and not a single empty patch. I deck that shit out with colored lights and, because I’m still hoping to get into heaven one day, an angel on top. Straight fire. Another good thing about fake trees? They won’t burn your fucking house down. So all you real tree advocates can sit around in your dirty Pine Sol living rooms with your $900 Charlie Brown Christmas bushes. I’ll be the guy with the perfect Christmas Tree with $900 in my pocket.

“Thunder Shin” Attempts Bat-Breaking World Record. Breaks Exactly 0 Bats.

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Look I don’t know why the fuck there were so many people at this dojo. I don’t know what exactly the competition is or where or when. Frankly I don’t care. But what I do know is if you name yourself “Thunder Shin” and get the crowd on their feet chanting for you to break some bats then proceed to break exactly 0 bats you should have to lie on some cinder blocks and let everyone in the audience take turns kicking you in the face. It’s only fair.

Oprah is Ridiculous

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Jesus tap dancing Christ. Bitches just going WILD for Oprah and all her shit. Like a bunch of goddam piranhas in a frenzy at feeding time. You see the one chick at the 0:45 mark? You can easily read her lips and see her say “I’m gonna drop dead.” And I legit believe her. I bet that bitch is dead. And people were too busy cheering and hugging each other for their diamond watches and their world vacations to even realize someone was dead. Just stepped right over a corpse on the way to collecting all their shit. Don’t get me wrong, I’d be pretty fuckin excited if a billionaire decided to give me like $50,000 worth of shit, but this is insane. Its also 200% the reason why terrorists attack us. So, yea, laugh it up folks. HO HO HO says Oprah. Too bad you didn’t give iPads to everyone in Al Qeada. Maybe then they wouldn’t fuckin kill us.

Anyway, you’re all in luck today. Today is Jonathan's Favorite Things here on Barstool. Everyone reading today will receive all of my favorite things and noteworthy products which I think are essential for everyone.

1. Eleven Stray Beers From My Fridge

I’ll be honest, its a freakin Christmas Miracle when I wake up and there is still beer left in my fridge. Let alone eleven of them. Everyone reading today receives 11 Bud Lights

2. Cream Cheese

I love cream cheese almost as much as I love provolone cheese. Boom. Everyone reading recieves free cream cheese

3. Dual Cheese Cheez Its

Never again will you have to choose between cheddar and parmesean. Best idea since Kramerica invented ketchup and mustard in the same bottle. Free.

4. Twix Ice Cream Bar

I’m not even kidding when I say that these fucking things changed my life forever. Had my first one ever right before I left for Spain about 4 months ago and I found them here and I haven’t stopped eating them since. They are life-alteringly delicious.

Merry Christmas you filthy animals.

Men Forever Destined To Be Slaves To The Pull Of Women

There are a few things that I think women should know about men. As a man myself, one who is well-versed in the way of the heterosexual male, I feel as though it's my duty to perform this service. Sort of like being in the Army.

Women, you must know, men don't exist without you. And I don't mean that in the literal "you are the givers of life" way. No, I'm referring to the fact that basically everything we do revolves around the hope or promise that you're involved.

Let's start with general upkeep. I'd venture most men would most likely never shave if women weren't around. Some men (read: me) have already stopped. I'd imagine the only time a man would shave would be when it becomes uncomfortable to do the only thing we truly care about besides women - sleep.

Brushing of teeth. Let's be honest. If men knew there was no way they'd run into a woman all day, they might seriously consider leaving the house without brushing. I'm not calling them sinners. I'm calling them human.

The way a man puts himself together, even with women around, is in such stark contrast to the way a woman puts herself together that it really blows my mind.

Women, in a matter of hours, get up, get ready, put makeup on, fix their hair and choose an outfit with matching accessories. It's enough to make you want to shoot yourself in the head.

If men had to go through that process for a week, we'd see an extreme dip in the male population of this fine society. I wore a Boston Red Sox baseball jersey a week ago. It took me nearly two-and-a-half hours to decide that I could, in fact, wear a red shirt underneath it.

Still, I take a look around campus and I notice things that women put on, things they wear or add to their outfits that really are just either stupid or unnecessary.

First of all, those ridiculous Hubble Spacecraft sun glasses. I don't know if the Charlotte Hornet look (Google Charlotte Hornet, if you need a mirror check) is what you're going for, but you're not doing anyone any favors.

Plus, there's that extra second a girl might take to decide what shoes to wear. Let me tell you this. A guy isn't going home after a night at Chuck's or some random party and fantasizing about what sort of shoes you had on. ("Bro, did you see the way those Coach shoes framed her thighs?") Or the sort of eyeliner you wear. There's really only a few areas we concentrate on. You know what I'm talking about.

Don't get me wrong. Women are beautiful creatures. At least most of you are. Some of you are conniving, beautiful creatures.
That being said, it seems to me just about everything men do is geared toward getting women. We wouldn't go out to go and drink if there wasn't the possibility that women would be there. No, we'd stay home, with one hand in our pants and the other on the remote (or a drink). Sad, I know, but it's that simple.

Men might even walk around naked if women weren't around. You know what I mean if you've ever been in a men's locker room, anywhere, and seen a flopping Johnson. Honestly, we really don't care. Hell, penis envy wouldn't exist if there wasn't a use for it outside of urination.

And, just so you know, women, most men I know do spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about how to get women. It's not all one-sided. We do have those ridiculous conversations analyzing what to do. Not every guy is Jean-Claude Van Damme, with an angelic voice, of course.

If women weren't around, men would have so much more time on our hands, I don't think we would know what to do with ourselves. I'd imagine I'd play a lot more Super Nintendo. Or, at the very least, I'd watch my friends play a lot more Super Nintendo.

So, what have we learned? Probably nothing. But, I don't intend to educate. Merely to inform. If that makes any sense, I'll end with something that might make less sense. In the words of the prophet Rhymefest, "Oh, you don't think you need game? Homie, you'd better have it, because women cheat like you, only they're better at it."

Doctors Tell Dude He Has Three Months To Live So He Blows All His Money. Guess What Happens Next.

(Newser) – Comedian Dave Ismay thought he was dying for 10 weeks, so he went about completing his “bucket list”—which included such extravagant entries as buying a $41,000 Mercedes—only to find out doctors got his diagnosis wrong. Ismay, who preformed with English comic Bob Monkhouse for 20 years, was told liver cirrhosis caused by alcohol would kill him in three months, but doctors later realized he actually has a treatable hereditary condition. “To be told you only have three months left to live really focuses your mind and brings everything into perspective,” Ismay tells the Daily Mail. His list included playing golf at Ireland’s K Club, auditioning for a local pantomime production, and writing a book about his experiences with Monkhouse. He may have blown through his savings, but he also completed the book—so perhaps a book deal will restore some of his money.

Whoops! That’s gotta be the worst “my bad” of all time, no? “You drank yourself to death just kidding you need to take some more Flinstones and you’ll be good.” Thanks doc! Almost as bad as when that dude killed himself when he thought he was going to jail and it turned out to be not guilty. What a diagnosis too. If some doc told me I had liver cirrohsis from too much booze I’d have no choice to be like “welp, that sounds about right. Hey, Intern that doesn't exist, fetch me my Bucket List!” Sometimes I think about just starting up my bucket list all on my own even without a doctor’s diagnosis. I mean it doesn’t take a degree from Harvard Med School to tell me that at the rate I’m going I’m not gonna live a full and healthy life.

Anyway, what a disaster of a bucket list for this guy. I’ll give him writing a book, thats dope. Other than that, this list fuckin sucks. “Appear in a pantomime play?” Yea dude before the grim reaper comes for me I wanna make sure I’m in a fuckin puppet show too. Buy a Mercedes? Fuck that. Once the new car smell wears off nobody cares about cars. Visit Oz? Is this some foreign joke I’m not getting or is this guy trying to be creative and metaphorical and say he wants to visit the Emerald City? Either way, still sucks.

You wanna know my bucket list? #1 on my list is now to make sure I don’t have a joke of a doctor so this shit doesnt happen. #2 – Appear on the Price is Right. Preferably with an appearance on Plinko, and spinning a dollar on the Wheel. Guess you can’t really ensure those things happen but just get my name to be the next called to “come on down” and your boy will take it from there. #3 watch Kunal and Petty joust American Gladiators style on two pedestals set up in Times Square. #4 through infinity – Rub and Tugs all day err day.

Then I’d die a happy man. Nice and relaxed with roughly $20,000 after my Plinko and Wheel performances to leave for Petty to get some plastic surgery and peace of mind knowing once and for all who sucks the most – Petty or Kunal.

To Hook Up With Ugly Chicks Or Hot Chicks?

So just like me, it's my buddies last year of college and after aiming too high for most of him career, he started with the “you gotta slay a few dragons to get to the princess motto.” After bumping uglies with a girl with a broken leg and then one with braces (she said she was 20) and then a girl with the body that was like used parts from a Ferrari but the motor of a KIA, he finally landed a dime piece. Long story short the dime probably realized he had the physique of Gumby. So, he raised this question to me - since everyone knows fat girls do weigh more should he continue to land girls who are probably members of ACLU or use his new found confidence and continue to be a dick to girls and use the compelling power of four lokos to have glory days stories?

A classic debate. A philosophical argument that our father’s father’s and their father’s before them sturggled with. I’m pretty sure Socrates and Plato discussed whether to fuck fat chicks or hold out for the bitchy smokeshows in The Dialogs.

Now you’re probably saying “Bro, are you serious? Who would ever fuck a fat chick instead of a hot chick?” On the surface, obviously, if you have a hefty broad and a smoke staring you in the face and its as easy as picking the hot chick, we all know the choice. Don’t need my advice or anyone elses to answer that question. But if I’m understanding my boy here, and I think I am, this question is more about your approach then the actual end results. He is Everyman. Meaning he fits the Bell Curve – most of his hook ups are in the 6,7,range, a very rare 8, maybe one 9. On the opposite side, it sounds like he bit the bullet and hooked up with a couple FOOTs (Four/Five Out Of Ten) and we’re definitely calling that chick with a broken leg a 3 out of 10. I don’t care if she looked pretty decent if you’re wearing a cast you’re an automatic 3. If you’re f’ing 1s and 2s, you cannot be helped

Ok, so we’ve painted the picture here, now lets get to the question. There’s the Wide and Crooked (see what I did there?) Path – Not-so-great-looking chicks who are probably a ton of fun, easy to hang out with, easy to get into bed, and will probably work for it like a champ. You’re taking quantity over quality here, and you probably aren’t walking away with bragging material. But you’re definitely gonna hook up with lots of chicks, and have a ton of stories – good, bad, embarrassing, and hilarious. Then there’s the Straight and Narrow – smokes. Most likely the bitchy kind. Act like they are hot shit because every dude since they were 14 have told them that. Going to take serious effort, and unless you have serious game, probably a considerable amount of luck. Which path to choose?

I say choose no path at all. Limiting yourself to the Straight and Narrow is like playing lottery every day but not having any sort of steady paycheck. Yea, there’s a chance you hit the Power Ball and you fuck a 10, but chances are you’re just gonna go broke and starve to death because you don’t have a normal job like the rest of us. Sticking just the Wide and Crooked is like working you’re 9-5 day in and day out and not even bothering to buy a Mega Millions ticket. Sure, every 2 weeks, you get that direct deposit and pay all your bills with that 5 or 6 out of ten, but you’re never really fulfilled. Never really proud of yourself and you got nothing to hang your hat on. In summation, go out and see what the night gives you. Let the game come to you. If that night throws you dragons, fuck dragons. If you find a princess that wants to fuck Gumby because she’s probably on the rebound, well then you’re the lucky winner. Whats that phrase about shooting for the moon and landing with the stars? I say shoot for the smokeshows and if you fail you’ll always land amongst the fat chicks. But always take down something rather than eating pizza with your boys. I’ve always been more of a story teller than a bragger.

How Many Days In A Row Do You Think You Could Eat Street Meat?

So throughout the years I’ve been around men who act like children and play games and contests and all that shit just to make every minute that much less miserable on their way to collecting a paycheck. Shit like challenging each other to preposterous bets. Well, a buddy of mine who is interning in NYC for the semester is currently in the midst of quite possibly my favorite challenge/bet of all time. Dude has to eat street meat every single day for lunch for the entire month of November, and his roommate will pay for it every single day. Only stipulation is that it can’t be any of those chicken kebabs because those are kind of legit, and every now and then he gets a bonus and he’s allowed to get a Double Down from KFC. For the past 2 weeks he’s eaten nothing but dirty water dogs and those gross lamb platters and all that junk. Every day, his roommate slaps a 5 dollar bill down on his desk, my boy chows down on some Grade F monkey meat, and provides a weekly email update of his street meat progress:

Thursday Oct 28- 6th and 53rd. $4- Lamb Platter and rice **** comes with bread, pretty good lamb, good sauce. Can’t complain about this dish. Also separate guy preparing food to taking cash.

Friday Oct 29- 7th and 49th. $4 Lamb Gyro *** In a Pita, pretty decent. Place seemed moderately clean. Offered a lot of options for food

Mon Nov 1- 8th and 51st. $5 Chicken over Rice. **** Chicken was excellent. Seemed somewhat clean, a little more limited in the options, but put some fresh green pepper in- so seems like I made the healthy choice today.

Tuesday Nov 2- 7th and 50th SE Corner- $6 3 hotdogs (hot water dogs)** Dude was real grimy about it, almost took pride counting out the change with his plastic gloves on. Also got the buns extremely moist/soggy. Sub par dog experience.

Wednesday Nov 3- 7th and 56th SW Corner- $4.50 3 jumbo dogs. *** highlights of this place were cleanliness of ice, having relish, dry jumbo dogs on a heating pan, as well as $1 water dogs. Hot dogs unfortunately seemed very thick skinned and weren’t good, but at least the buns weren’t moist today- I may be back on water dogs soon…

Thursday Nov 4- 7th and 51st NE Corner- $8.50 Jerk Chicken over Rice ***** Went to the Jamaican Dutchy in the pouring rain. Not only did it appear clean the chicken was ridiculously good, I’m not a big rice guy, but that wasn’t bad either, and a little fried plantain as well should keep me running on all cylinders. Great Day.

Friday Nov 5- $6 *** Water dogs from 7th and 50th, NW Corner. This guy cooks a mean water dog. Shakes it off pretty well leaving the bun absent of moisture- even in the cold weather.

Mon Nov 8- $6 ** Water dogs from 48th and Broadway SW corner. A little bit wet, kind of dirty

Tuesday Nov 9- $6 **** Lamb over Rice from 50th and 6th Ave SW Corner. Standard fair, pretty good.

Wednesday Nov 10- $5 **** Chicken over Rice from 50th and 6th Ave NW corner- appeared to be the exact same as yesterday, but a dollar cheaper.

Thursday Nov 11- $6 ** 3 water dogs from 50th and Broadway NW Corner. Pretty shoddy dogs. Guy used no gloves and was on cell phone… Didn’t taste horrible, but I expect more from my dog vendors.

Friday Nov 12- $4 **** 2 water dogs at 50th and 7th NW corner, as well as $7 for a chicken double down from KFC. The double down was delectable. And the dogs were standard fare- on the good side for sure as this came from my favorite water dog vendor so far. Probably shouldn’t eat these double downs every day though, got to watch out for the health.

Sickest part of this whole deal is if he makes it through November, the month of December will be all McDonalds. His roommate said he will deliver free Micky D’s to his desk every day for the next month. My boy hasn’t even missed a beat. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him healthier actually. Part of me thinks he’s just always eaten rat meat and now he just found some sucker who’s willing to pay him to do it. Pretty remarkable in a disgusting, impoverished sort of way. I think I could do about 1 week before I gave in and just paid for my own lunch like a normal human. But that McDonalds at the end of the rainbow is a pretty enticing goal.

Anyway, time to vote. Do you think you could eat street meat for an entire month straight?