Introducing The Most Important Invention Of All Time – Fart Filtering Underwear

MyShreddies - For sufferers of bad flatulence caused by Crohn’s Disease, IBS and other gastric disorders, often the use of certain flatulence treatments fail to remedy the problem. Flatulence medicine like charcoal biscuits or charcoal tablets can in some cases offer little or no effect against excessive flatulence. Shreddies Intimate Apparel has the solution. Using a unique method of filtration using activated carbon cloth, Shreddies underwear can remove the malodorous gases from the most severe flatulence. Shreddies underwear features a special activated carbon back panel that absorbs flatulence odours. Due to its highly porous nature, the odour vapours become trapped and neutralised by the cloth, which is then reactivated by simply washing the garment. The underwear is designed to hug the body to give the carbon back panel a snug fit, forcing all flatulence odours to pass directly through it, allowing you to relax knowing there is no risk of any flatulence odours escaping.

There is NO DOUBT in my mind that this could potentially be my greatest contribution to the world. Fart Filtering Underwear, folks. Do you understand the implications of this invention? Do you appreciate the gravity of this situation? This could change the world as we know it.

I read just about every word on MyShreddies.com to see if I understood exactly how this shit works. At first I just thought they were some air tight tighty-whities that trapped your farts. Like when you’re a kid and you’re at Gymboree and everyone hides underneath that giant parachute. Think of all the little kids as farts and the huge parachute keeps all the farts trapped in a dome. Effectively you’d be dutch ovening your own ass. WRONG. This is some technologically advanced shit right here people. Advanced Carbon Cloth motherfuckers! This is like the shit they make gas masks out of. Its like a Brita Filtration System for your asshole.

Imagine a world where you can fart at will? No more crop dusting the bar when you’ve got one on deck but you don’t want to shit. No more excusing yourself to go to the bathroom to drop heat when you’re on a date and then looking awkward when you excuse yourself 3 minutes later because now you actually have to go to the bathroom. No more blaming the dog. “Whoever smelt it dealt it…whoever denied it supplied it?” Well nobody’s gonna smell or deny shit. Because there’s no fucking evidence! Rest In Peace, Silent But Deadly’s. You’ve met your match.

PS – If I ever, ever, EVER catch a broad wearing Fart Filtering Underwear I will smack her right in the face. Just playing I’ll probably smack her right on her stinky ass and ask for her hand in marriage. But for the general public, you bitches should probably work on not farting rather than buying these underwear.

Man Stabs His Roommate For Having Loud Sex With A Homeless Woman

MYRTLE BEACH, S.C., June 22 (UPI) — Police in South Carolina said a man allegedly stabbed his roommate during an argument about how loud he was being during sex with a homeless woman. Investigators said the 58-year-old victim told them he had returned to his Myrtle Beach home to find his roommate, Russell Willis Shepherd Jr., 40, having loud sex with a homeless woman, the Myrtle Beach (S.C.) Sun News reported Tuesday. The victim told police he waited outside of the apartment for a time before entering and confronting Shepherd. He said an argument broke out and Shepherd stabbed him.

Fuck this selfish son of a bitch. Its too loud? Put on your iPod bro, your boy is trying to get rocks. I’ve always been of the school of thought that myself and my friends getting laid is pretty much the most important thing in the entire world. Like one time my buddy fucked this giant black chick he picked up at Empire by buying her Hennessy shots in my roommate’s bed while he was away. My roommate almost murdered him when he found out. I was like whats the big deal dude? God knows some terrible things have gone on in between my sheets already, whats another fat black probable hooker? Maybe thats just me though. Maybe I’m such a tremendous friend/roommate that I’ll gladly give up my bed or get sexiled or listen to some homeless bitch moan for the sake of my friend busting his slump.

And spare me the dog and pony show about her being a homeless woman. Get off your high horse. Like the Good Book says “let he who hath not fucked a girl of questionable social and/or economic status cast the first stone.”

Being roommates has got to be the worst thing for a friendship. I saw plenty of my buddies stop talking to each other once their lease was up because their friendship couldn’t survive living under the same roof. Which is why I used to lay down ground rules ahead of time:

1. No leaving your mess in the common area.
2. If a girl calls, don’t say where the other guy is or ask who’s calling. Just ask if they want to leave a message.
3. Don’t drink the other guy’s beer unless you replace it.
4. If you’re going to bring a homeless broad back to the house to bang her, be considerate and keep the noise down.

And that last one is a biggie. Because those crazy bag ladies can be loud as hell. They’re so used to yelling over traffic and screaming nonsense at passersby, that you get them in the sack and they just start going hog wild. I mean, if it were me, I might have waited til after my roomie was finished, then calmly explained to him that was not OK, instead of doing the Sollozzo/ Luca Brasi knife-in-the-hand trick. But I certainly know where Russell was coming from here.

Asshole Gucci Tech Guy Built A Nuclear Reactor In His Brooklyn Basement

Yahoo - It sounds like the premise of an especially geeky comic book: Web developer by day, trailblazing nuclear engineer by night. Mark Suppes is a Web developer for the fashion house Gucci, but in his off-hours, he tinkers with his homemade nuclear-fusion reactor in a Brooklyn warehouse, unknown to his neighbors. In a video interview with BBC News’ Matthew Danzico, Suppes cheerfully shows the reporter how his reactor works, warning him to step back as the machine activates and emits a small amount of radiation. The reporter is heard laughing nervously in the background, telling Suppes to be careful. Suppes’ is the 38th homemade reactor built by an independent amateur scientist, according to Fusor.net. On that website, “fusioneers” discuss attempts to create a nuclear-fusion reactor that produces as much energy as it consumes, a problem that has plagued some of science’s greatest minds. Though several Brooklyn locals expressed unease to the BBC at the idea of hosting a fusion startup in their neighborhood, the process is entirely legal in the United States

Look at me! Look at me! I built a nuclear reactor in my Brooklyn warehouse! Hey everyone look! What a joke. Seriously keep showing off asshole. Like chicks dig nerds who build nuclear bombs in their basement. I’m not impressed in the slightest. You know what’s impressive? The shit I sit around my apartment and build all day. Nothing harder than home improvement. Take this shelf for example.



Took me about 4 hours to get that on my wall. As you can see the holes for the screws didn’t really work out so I just emptied a bottle of Gorilla Glue on the wall and pressed this fucker up against it for 2 hours. Without moving. Wasn’t that bad because I can see my TV from there.

I also put together my desk by myself. They said they’d set it up for $50 bucks but I was like fuck that, the shit only cost $45 to begin with. 10 minutes later all the shelving fell out and the base is about to go any day now:



Oh and of course the disco ball on the ceiling. Masking tape is really all you need for this project.



So yeah this guy can build nuclear reactors all he wants. Shit doesn’t even work. You heard the scientists. You know what does work? My shelf.

Parents Furious After Students Shown How To Have Sex With Stuffed Animals

NY Daily News – An angry group of Iowa parents expressed their dismay to school officials after a group of students at Shenandoah High School were shown sex acts simulated on stuffed animals. “It was horribly inappropriate,” Colleen Dostal, the mother of a 14-year-old eighth-grader in the Planned Parenthood class, told Fox News Radio. “To do that in a mixed-gender classroom – I truly believe it was inappropriate.” She told Fox News that the kids in the class also had learned how to do exams on women and that the instructor had demonstrated with an anatomically correct male sex organ how to use a condom. Parents also were upset that they had not been notified in advance about the week-long sex education class taught by Jennifer Horner, a Planned Parenthood bilingual health educator. Parents at the school board meeting in Shenandoah said that Horner had told the students that “another definition of abstinence means using a condom.” When parents complained to Shenandoah High School’s principal, he was “mortified,” according to Dostal. Though he apologized, other parents took up the issue with the school superintendent. Dostal said what had been most upsetting was how Horner used stuffed animals to simulate sexual acts. “I do not understand why any adult with a classroom of children would show them sexual positions,” she told Fox News Radio.

Wait - this teacher taught the kids how to put a condom on a penis-like object? No! The horror! The horror! I mean the nerve of this bitch to teach kids how to not get chicks pregnant? Straight to the Rubber Room! Seriously I’m always amazed at how much uproar there is about sex ed classes. Like teaching 15 year olds how to use condoms and avoid gonnorhea is just going to make everyone fuck eachother and get Aids on the spot. I mean in an age when 95% of teachers are just straight fucking their students in the parking lot shouldn’t we be happy this chick is just using teddy bears?

PS- I fucking wish some adult figure had demonstrated how to have sex on stuffed animals when I was in the 8th grade. Would have been a lot better prepared and less confused in high school. You know when you’re in the gym trying out the new machines and you’re not really sure what to do so you just start pushing this and pulling that? It was kind of like that but with heavier equipment.

This Video Will Make You Call Your Mother And Thank Her For Not Raising You Like This

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X9a2zPlcV-s

(As hard as it may be, make sure you watch the whole thing)

Seriously I just got off the phone with Mama. Gave her one of those “Hey Ma, I just called to say I love you.” Naturally she was like “Shut the fuck up Jonathan, don’t you have some pornography to jack off to n the intraweb?” But anyway the point remains the worst thing my mom ever made me do was turn me into a Sox fan. Which now that I think about it may be equally as scarring as this fiasco but whatever I’m still happy my mom never made me film her pretending to be a video girl.

Which brings me to my next point. Who the fuck is filming this? Because you got the little man in the wife beater who simply doesn’t know any better. Dude probably hasn’t even gone to kindergarten yet for all he knows this is normal mommy behavior. Can’t fault him. But then I looked at the kid in the red shorts and black hat who is like 10 years old. That kid is certainly old enough to know that its not normal to give your mom a whip cream facial and watch her oil up her expansive gut and douse herself with Easy Mac. By that point you’ve got a pretty good grasp of what’s morally right and wrong and this is For Sure Wrong.

And following a rational train of thought through this irrational trainwreck, I think its safe to assume the oldest child is behind the camera. I mean all know its not the father for a plethora of reasons and there’s no way this creature could hold down a boyfriend either. Nope, that cameraman has probably gotta be like a 16 year old dude. Just filming his mammoth mom while she pops, locks and drops it. Zooming in and out, trying to capture the sexual essence of the Whopper that birthed him. Scary stuff here, folks. Scary stuff.

PS – Hands down favorite part of this video is at the 1:21 mark when the little dude tries to plug up that GIGANTIC belly button with the paper napkin thing. That thing is like a man made lake. Could hold a few gallons.

Justin Bieber’s Mom Posing For Playboy?

Acesshowbiz - Justin Bieber’s mom, Pattie Mallette, has been offered to pose topless for men’s magazine Playboy, Zack Taylor reported. An insider of the adult magazine told the site that the 34-year-old mother will be given $50,000 to pose for a spread in an upcoming issue. Mallette reportedly hasn’t made any decision whether she will take the proposed deal or not. Meanwhile, a rep at Playboy refused to give any confirmation of the report, telling Hollyscoop “We’re not commenting on this at this time.”

Well this is the price you pay, Justin. You wanna be an international heartthrob and have bitches throwing their training bras on stage? Then you’re gonna have to deal with the fact that your money grubbing mama is gonna show the world her titties. Me personally, I’d give it all up. You can take the fortune and fame all back if it meant keeping my mother out of Playboy. Because there is no way you can live a normal life after your mom shows her funbags. Do you know how ruthless my friends are? I’d never be able to make fun of someone ever again in my entire life. Everyone I know would carry that issue of Playboy around in their back pocket just in case I step out of line and then need to put me in my place. I wouldn’t be able to have a single conversation for the rest of eternity without someone talking about my moms nipples. Nope, no thanks. You can’t put a price on keeping your mother out of a sexually explicit magazine.

Also, Playboy knows they are supposed to do photoshoots with hot chicks, right? Because Justin Bieber’s mom is not. Don’t get me wrong I’d still smash out simply to be able to say I fucked Justin Bieber’s mom. You know what kind of follow up pussy you can get when you’re stringing chicks at the bar and you tell them you F’d Justin Bieber’s mother? But plain and simple she’s not Playboy material.

PS – 450% chance this story is not true.

Dude Passes Out At Beach On A Float – Drifts Into Gulf Of Mexico

MSNBC – A man who apparently passed out on a pool float at a Tampa area beach ended up drifting about a mile from Florida’s shore in the Gulf of Mexico. The U.S. Coast Guard rescued the man, identified as Jerry Whipple, on Wednesday afternoon. Coast Guard Petty Officer First Class Mariana O’Leary says they suspect the man was very drunk. The Coast Guard says a boater reported seeing an unconscious man floating well offshore. The Coast Guard and a Clearwater Fire Rescue unit responded and found the man, still unconscious and wearing a life jacket. He eventually woke up and was checked by paramedics at a Coast Guard station. O’Leary said the Pinellas County Sheriff’s Office will investigate the incident.

They’ll investigate the incident? I don’t think we need Sherlock Holmes to figure this one out, Miss Coast Guard Petty Officer First Class Mariana O’Leary. Our pal Jerry Whipple just got the beach-equivalent of drawing dicks with a Sharpie on the face of someone who passes out early.

Last semester, me and a couple of buddies had a pretty big party at our apartment. At one point some chick who nobody knew was out like Rip Van Winkle on the couch. The only reason we even knew she was there was because I couldn’t find my phone – so we called it and traced my blaring Lil Wayne ringtone to her snatch. So we woke her up, she stumbled into the bathroom, dug my Blackberry out of her beav and came out crying – then fell right back into unconsciousness. Well, long story short, my friend BJ kicked off the permanent marker extravaganza and it was such a hit that there was a single-file line outside the door for people to get a chance at marking up her grill. No doubt she had to call in sick to work for the next week. You think her boss needed to investigate that shit? He knew what went down, just like we’re all privy to the deal here. Maybe next time Whipple won’t try to be a hero and shotgun 12 beers in 30 minutes. Booze heroes end up with a signature on their mug or lost at sea 9 out of 10 times. His boys putting a life jacket on him though is a nice touch. I’d have doused him in gasoline and lit him on fire.

Federal Judge To Decide Whether Cheerleading Is A Real Sport

Bostonherald - A federal judge is being asked to decide whether cheerleading can be counted as a sport by schools looking for ways to meet gender-equity requirements. The issue is part of a lawsuit filed by five members of the volleyball team at Connecticut’s Quinnipiac University and coach Robin Sparks last year after the school decided in a budgetary move to eliminate women’s volleyball in favor of a competitive cheer squad. Judge Stefan Underhill also will be asked to decide whether Quinnipiac improperly manipulates the size of the rosters of its other teams to get around complying with Title IX, the 1972 federal law that mandates equal opportunities for men and women in athletics. Underhill recently agreed to make the lawsuit a class action for all current and future female athletes at Quinnipiac. Underhill issued a temporary injunction last year that prevented the school from disbanding the volleyball team after finding the school was over-reporting the participation opportunities for its female athletes and under-reporting the opportunities for men. Evidence showed the men’s baseball and lacrosse teams, for example, would drop players before reporting data to the Department of Education and reinstate them after the reports were submitted. Conversely, the women’s softball team would add players before the reporting date, knowing the additional players would not be on the team in the spring.

Those sandbagging sons of bitches at Qunnipiac! Dropping players from the baseball and lacrosse teams and adding shitty players to the softball team right before the NCAA deadline. Freaking brilliant. And then concocting this whole cheerleading counts as a real sport bullshit. Haha. What’s next? Figure skating, gymnastics and the X games count too? Classic.
But here is the part of the story that confuses me. Why the fuck would Quinnipaic of all places be the ones trying to fuck with Title IX? They don’t even have a football team. That’s the sport that usually knocks Title IX all out of wack because the rosters are so huge and there are no women’s equivalent. But QU doesn’t play football. So it’s just weird that they’d go through all this trouble just so they don’t have to cut men’s tennis or cross country.

Anyway as far as Title IX goes I’ve always said the same thing. Title IX should only apply to non revenue sports. Like if your football, basketball and hockey programs makes money than they shouldn’t count against the quota. If you’re women’s basketball team makes money they shouldn’t count against the quota either. Basically Title IX should just state that there needs to be an equal number of useless sports that nobody cares about for men and women like tennis, cross country, field hockey, etc. But the problem with Title IX is that it doesn’t do that. Men’s sports get penalized by football because there are so many people on the roster even thought in lots of places the football program is the only reason the athletic department can survive. It makes no sense on any level. Basically chicks complain that they don’t get a fair shake when the only reason they can exist is because of the men they are fighting against. It’s fake life type stuff.

4 Year Old Sets Push Up Record

“CBS News RAW”: In India, four-year-old Ronak Vitha set a record by doing 1,500 push-ups in 40 minutes. His interest in push-ups began when he was just a toddler.

I’m not going to lie. I spent like 20 minutes watching this video. Just trying to dissect any weaknesses in this kid’s pushup game. Like hey he’s not touching his nose to the ground. He’s not getting full extension in his arms. His back isn’t flat. But the only thing I could come up with is that he was doing them too fast? But I don’t think that’s illegal is it? So I guess I got to give this little fucker his due. He’s an Indian push up master. Congrats. Still got spaghetti arms though. So I don’t care how many push ups he can do he’ still ain’t going to get pussy with those things.

Dude Gets Shot At Party….Keeps On Partying

KC.com – Tracy Durham remembers hearing the pop. But the gunshot wound the Illinois man discovered after a neighbor asked about his limp? That was a surprise. The 48-year-old Durham told police he thinks he was shot by a friend during a party late Sunday at his home. Police say Durham recalled calling the friend’s girlfriend ugly. The Peoria man then heard a pop as he took a drink from a bottle of whiskey. But police say he felt no pain. Durham told officers he went to sleep around 3 a.m. Monday and discovered the wound about four hours later. Tracy Durham remembers hearing the pop. But the gunshot wound the Illinois man discovered after a neighbor asked about his limp? That was a surprise. Police questioned Durham while he was being treated at a local hospital. He declined to identify the man he suspects shot him.

Well if this isn’t the feel good story of the day than I don’t know what it. I mean this is what being a man is all about. You go to a party and drink straight Jack and get obliterated. You tell one of your boys that his girlfriend is fucking beat. He defends her honor by shooting you in the leg. Point taken. You let it go without causing a big scene and just keep partying. You wake up the next day and realize you’ve been shot. No biggie. It happens. When the cops ask you who shot you, you don’t squeal because you know you deserved it. Case closed. It’s days like these when it’s great to have a penis. Because you know if these were chicks they would have been screaming bloody murder, dialing 911 and police cruisers and ambulances would have been everywhere. Ladies, handle your business.

Happy Couple Get Married In Aisle 9 At Grocery Store

WAUTOMA – Between the frozen treats, the beer and wine at the Copps grocery story in Wautoma, Denise Irvine and Marty Czarnecki came together to get married. The two chose aisle 9 since this is where they met last year, when Marty, an employee at Copps provided a little customer service. “I was working in the liquor aisle and Denise came in to buy her wine, and we got talking,” said Czarnecki. “People thought it was a joke when I brought it up but I was serious,” explained Schwantes. But the non-traditional approach worked well for Denise.”Oh yes, something different. I’m not a normal person. I don’t do things traditionally,” said Irvine. The happy couple plans to honeymoon down the road at a local hotel for a couple days of swimming and fun, because Marty’s back on the schedule at Copps come Friday.

Just when I was getting ready to make fun of Marty Czarnecki for being a cheap fuck and getting married at the supermarket, I find out he took his new bride on a honeymoon to the local motel down the road for a couple days of swimming and fun. Well shame on me. This guy is fucking big time. I mean what chick wouldn’t want to nail this shit down. Kind of makes the One and Only Palmilla look like a joke. I hope the First Lady doesn’t read this story. She’ll probably divorce my ass.

PS – This lady can cut the shit with the “I don’t do things traditionally” routine. Honey when you got a mug like you do you take what you can get when you can get it.

The Russians Understand The Airline Industry

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VjO_NZrQVNA

See the Russians get it. I flew the other day and was lectured by the First Lady about how calling a Stewardess a Stewardess is not PC anymore or some shit like that. You got to call them flight attendants now? Are you kidding me? What is derogatory about Stewardess? Doesn’t that just mean somebody who works on a plane? Hey newsflash honey….that’s what you do! If you get offended by it than maybe you should find a new job. Seriously if anybody should be offended here it should be me because hot stewardesses are few and far between nowadays. Bottomline is if you’re ugly or old you shouldn’t be allowed to work in the service industry period. Nobody likes to get waited on by gross people. That’s not discrimination. That’s life. Seriously sometimes I think it would have been better if we lost the Cold War.

I Wish They Would Build A Subway On My Block

Metro - John Jurado pays $995 a month for his studio apartment at 1873 Second Ave. And when he’s forced to leave it for thirty days in August, the MTA will pay his rent and give him $167 a day, plus expenses. “No wonder the MTA is broke!” said Jurado, 38, manager of the Ship of Fools bar, who plans to crash with friends. Jurado is one of 40 tenants along Second Avenue who will be temporarily evicted as the MTA reinforces their buildings to dig the subway line. The MTA will pay Jurado a whopping $6,210 for the thirty days he’s out. That’s the housing stipend, plus a $40-per-day food allowance. Elyse Rodriguez, 24, has to move out of her apartment at 1823 Second Ave. this Saturday, June 26. And she’s not exactly crying over it, either. She figures she’ll make out with about $3,000, even after she pays for a temporary sublet in East Harlem. And if the work goes longer, Jurado and Rodriguez will get about $167 for each additional day.

How it works:
The MTA gives tenants a choice:
Stay at the Marmara Hotel or find their own housing.
Those who choose the hotel don’t get a check from MTA, which covers the room bills directly.
Those who find a place on their own are compensated. Richly.
Studio dwellers get $167 per day.
One-bedroom tenants get $200 per day.
Two-bedroom tenants get $300 per day.

Yo $167 a day? 60 grand a year? For nothing? Wam bam thank you ma’am sign me the fuck up! I’m RICH BITCH! I mean 60 grand a year from the MTA! You know how much Spaghetti O’s I can buy with that kind of scrilla? I’ll have snacks for days. I love how I gotta pay like $600 for a monthly metro card and I find out Super Mario here is making fuckin CAKE for nothing.

But here’s my question. Would you take the money, or would you live for free in the Hotel? Obviously free money upwards of like $75,000 is out of this world. But you know what’s fuckin sweet? Living in a hotel on someone elses peso. You shoulda seen me down in Vegas with my dad's corporate card. Walked in that room and the first thing I did was start jumping on the bed. Suited up in one of those free robes. Threw on my swim trunks and hit the indoor swimming pool. After dinner I cracked open the mini fridge and treated myself to a 30 dollar snickers. I was like Kevin McCallister staying in the Plaza in Home Alone 2. (Actually that last part is a lie our mini fridge was empty because Dad is cheap as fuck). But the point is checking into a hotel will always make you feel like an giddy 8 year old. And you can’t put a price on that feeling.

Fuck that, yes you can. That price is $60K a year. I’ll take what’s behind Door #2, MTA.

Dickheads In Queens Run 5,469 Laps Around One Block For 52 Straight Days

WSJ - Dharbhasana Lynn had trouble explaining to his friends back home in New Zealand how he planned to spend his summer. He told them he had decided to enter a road race in New York City, except this race would entail running at least two marathons a day. Every day. For nearly two months.”Everybody thinks I’m nuts,” Mr. Lynn said. The 14th Annual Self-Transcendence 3,100-Mile Race began on June 13, when 11 runners from eight countries gathered at dawn on a stretch of sidewalk outside the Thomas A. Edison Career and Technical Education High School in Jamaica, Queens. The sheer volume of mileage can be difficult enough to comprehend, but there is more mind-bending wackiness: The course is a single city block. Each runner must complete 5,649 laps of a .5488-mile loop around the high school in 52 days or less, and they plod along from 6 a.m. to midnight. Organizers champion the event as the world’s longest certified footrace. Twenty-five runners have completed the race since its inception in 1997—some more than once but none with greater swiftness than the indomitable Wolfgang Schwerk, a German furniture maker and opera singer who broke his own course record in 2006 by finishing in 41 days, 8 hours, 16 minutes and 29 seconds. He averaged 75.1 miles per day. “He was extraordinary,” Rupantar LaRusso, the race director, said. Runners are left to deal with heat, humidity, rain, pedestrians, litter, barking dogs, dog excrement, automobile exhaust, mosquitoes, dust and baby strollers.The runners are given food and liquids and have the chance to rest throughout the race, so long as they complete the minimum of 60 miles each day.

Welp, folks. I’ve found them. You can stop the search. I’ve found the biggest assholes on the planet.

5,000 goddam laps around a fucking half a mile city block? 60 miles a fuckin day? 3,100 miles and you don’t ever leave the neighborhood? That is literally the last thing on earth I would want to do. And I use that phrase a lot. I say it all the time about shit. Like for Memorial Day my gay roommate went hiking through the woods and camped in the rain. Told him that’s the last thing on earth I’d ever want to do. Wrong. That shit sounds fuckin awesome compared to the Self Transcendence Race. And that’s another thing – you can cut the shit with that name. Self transcendence shmelf transhmendence. Wolfgang Schwerk and the Run Around In Circles Gang ain’t transcending shit.

PS – Wolfgang Schwerk is unequivocally, hands down, without a doubt the best porn name I can think of. That’s what I would call myself and I’d have a catch phrase like “Wolfgang ’bout to Shcwerk this bitch right here”

“Play Me I’m Yours” Pianos All Over New York City

Streetpianos.com - New York City is placing pianos in 60 parks and other public spaces throughout the city and inviting anyone to decorate and play them. The two-week project, dubbed “Play Me, I’m Yours,” kicks off June 21 with a one-day music festival to feature 1,000 free performances citywide. Artists, volunteers and any member of the public may decorate the street pianos and will be encouraged to play them, Mayor Michael Bloomberg’s office said in a news release. “It doesn’t matter if you’re a world-class virtuoso like Beethoven or a guy who took one year of lessons like Bloomberg, just sit down and let your fingers do the talking,” the mayor said in a statement prepared for a news conference today at Gantry Plaza State Park in Long Island City, across the East River from Manhattan in the borough of Queens, where a piano will be installed

Ohhhhh man there is a 300% chance I’m getting drunk and finding one of these pianos sometime in the next two weeks. I play a rendition of Happy Birthday that would make Mozart and Beethoven shit their pantalones. Maybe I’ll sit under the Brooklyn Bridge and tickle the ivory and do a little Do A Deer A Female Deer. Get Kunal to accompany me on the Recorder for a little Hot Cross Buns. And for my grand finale I’ll do the Jaws theme for like 2 or 3 hours straight. It will be like New York City’s version of the vuvuzela.

But for real if you don’t think I’m gonna grab smokes by the arm and rock out with them to a little Heart and Soul, you must be outside of your mind. The only thing bitches love more than internet blogging is musical talent.

Naked Cowboy vs. Naked Cowgirl In Battle For Times Square

NY Post – Times Square isn’t big enough for the two of them. The Naked Cowboy claims a bawdy, bikini-clad female busker who calls herself “The Naked Cowgirl” is ripping off his shtick, and he’s threatening to lasso her into court for as much as $150,000. The cowboy, whose real name is Robert Burck, sent a cease-and-desist letter to his foil, Sandy Kane, a fixture of the city comedy scene and former stripper famous for closing her act by lighting her breasts on fire. “Your use of Naked Cowgirl is essentially identical to the Naked Cowboy and is clearly in violation” of Burck’s trademark, read the letter. Burck is demanding that Kane — who began appearing in Times Square in a red, white and blue cowboy hat and matching bikini several years ago — either stop making money off of his trademark or sign a “Naked Cowboy Franchise Agreement.” “If she’s going to sell stuff and make money off of it, then, yeah, she’s going to have to pay,” Burck said. Most licensed franchisees are required to fork over $5,000 for a year or $500 a month and go through a screening process to ape the Naked Cowboy’s act. “I’ve been naked for years,” said Kane, who hosted a raunchy public-access comedy program called the “Sandy Kane Blew Show” for more than a decade. “You know how much money I make? Two dollars a picture. I’m not selling any products.”

Hey I got an idea. How about you take your lazy deadbeat ass to the store, buy some pants, and go on a fucking job interview? And ugly bitch how about you take your wrinkles and smoker’s lung and go kill yourself in a dark alley in Queens or something? Fucking shit is a joke. Bogging the courts down with lawsuits and cease and desists and legalese documents over who can be a naked street performer. Enough. Just die. Times Square will replace you in 2 seconds with the next spawn of Satan. But you know what? As a matter of fact if I were the Naked Cowboy I’d be fucking pissed off too now that I think about it. Like this is this guy’s whole gimmick. Naked Cowboy. Simple. Been doing it for years. Then some bitch moves in on the exact same spot on the exact same block as who? Naked Cowgirl. Fucked up. So I guess if I gave any sort of shit whatsoever I’d side with the dickhead in the tight white underpants.

Wait she lights her tits on fire? For real? Ok fuck you Naked Cowboy get off the streets.

“Their Dangerous Swagger”: The Fantasy High School Chick Draft

NYTIMES – It was set up like a fantasy football league draft. The height, weight and performance statistics of the draftees were offered to decide who would make the cut and who would emerge as the No. 1 pick. But the players in this predatory game were not famous N.F.L. stars. They were unwitting girls about to start high school. A group of soon-to-be freshmen boys at Landon, an elite private grade school and high school for boys in the wealthy Washington suburb of Montgomery County, Md., was drafting local girls.

“They evidently got points for first, second and third base,” said one outraged father of a drafted girl. “They were going to have parties and tally up the points, and money was going to be exchanged at the end of the season.” He said that the boys would also have earned points for “schmoozing with the parents.” His daughter, he said, “was very upset about it. She thought these guys were her friends.

Landon is where the sons of many prominent members of the community are sent to learn “the code of character,” where “a Landon man” is part of a “true Brotherhood” and is known for his good word, respect and honesty. The Washington suburban community of private school parents has also been reeling this spring from the tragedy involving former Landon student George Huguely V, a scion of the family that owned the lumber business that helped build the nation’s capital. Huguely, who was a University of Virginia lacrosse player, was charged in the brutal death of his sometime girlfriend, Yeardley Love, a lacrosse player on the university’s women’s team who also hailed from Maryland.

In The Washington Post, the sports columnist Sally Jenkins wrote about the swagger of young male athletes and the culture of silence that protects their thuggish locker-room behavior. Time for a curriculum overhaul. Young men everywhere must be taught, beyond platitudes, that young women are not prey.

You guys think I don’t read the New York Times? BOOM check this shit out! Op-Ed section motherfucker! Maureen Dowd bitch!

As for the article I’m not really sure what all the outrage is about? I mean it’s my understanding the girls had to agree to hooking up right? Like this wasn’t a rape party or something? Because that wouldn’t be cool. But it looks like these guys just ranked chicks by how hot they were then tried to hook up with them? In other words high school dudes tried to bang the hot high school chicks then brag to their buddies about it. Which is pretty much also known as Real Life All Over The Planet. You don’t want these guys racking up fantasy points on your account? Don’t slut it up with them then. Easy. This has nothing to do with high school athletes having swagger or preying on young women. Save that lecture for Roethlisberger or Kobe. It has more to do with a 5′2 90 pound chick with 34Ds who wants to get down and fucking party getting pursued by a bunch of horny teenage dudes. If they weren’t interested in a chick like that you could rewrite this piece about the gay epidemic going around Landon.

You know who’s probably causing all the fuss? Miss Irrelevant that’s who. The last pick in the draft who got described as “dumpy pizzaface who spent all day studying calculus with the foreign kids in the International wing”. Probably ran home and told her dad that the boys at school were picking on her because she couldn’t catch any dick from the football players.

But listen, I’m not going to sit here and defend Lacrosse Players or rich yuppy private schools or murdering chicks. But give me a break with making the mental leap from high school boys making lists of hot girls to guys killing women. Hey guess what? That George Hugeuly kid who murdered his girlfriend is a psychopath. It doesn’t matter whether he was rich, poor, lacrosse player, football player etc. He’s a wack job who is fucked in the head. So to somehow insinuate that playing sports and being macho and wanting to rail hot chicks leads to eventually abusing or killing girls is absurd. Guys have been making lists of chicks we want to bang from the beginning of time. That’s what we do. It doesn’t matter whether we’re ranking incoming freshman in High School, chicks at our office, famous chicks or girls at our colleges. We need hotness organization. Without it we can’t function as a people. It has nothing to do with socioeconomic class, sports or anything else. It’s just about getting that pussy and that’s it. It’s boys being boys. So spare me the lecture on how evil and dangerous making hot girls lists is. Because Newsflash. Guys always want to get in girls pants. Always. The only thing these guys did wrong was somebody squawked.

PS – The chick who said she is outraged at being on the list can cut the shit. You know all hot girls want to be on this list. Like show me a girl who was happy she didn’t make the cut and I’ll show you a fat, ugly miserable low self esteem girl. I mean you don’t see my crying when chicks were write my name down as a cock they wanted to gobble. I take it as a compliment.

Japanese Porn Star Banging Chinese Dudes To Make Up For Japan’s World War II Indiscretions

TOKYO, Japan- A Japanese adult film star, Anri Suzuki, says she has been giving out free sex sessions to Chinese students, as a way of giving back for Japan’s World War 2 sins. The bizarre situation was revealed today in the Korea Times newspaper. 24-year-old Anri Suzuki studied history at University, holding a Doctorate in the discipline. Suzuki focoused on the Japanese invasion of of Chine, writing the paper, “The History of the Japanese Invasion into China.” Anri Suzuki said she was so shocked to learn about her nation’s past that she decided to make up for her country’s early 20th century wrongs by giving back, one man at a time. Anri Suzuki told the Korean Times: “We have to respect history and cannot obliterate it. I want to cure the wounds of Chinese with my body, and I am practicing this by having sex with Chinese students in Japan.” “I think it is psychological compensation to them. Actually, Chinese students treat me more friendly and comfortably than Japanese.”

Now that’s what the fuck I call reparations! You know your boy right here doesn’t half ass anything so when I saw an article about a Jap porn star banging a bunch of Chinamen as retribution for war atrocities, I had to do a little historical research to understand the context of this sexual giveaway. So I stayed up real fuckin late burning the midnight oil reading up on the Imperial Army’s war crimes and the Second Sino-Japanese War from 1937-1945. Had my intern that doesn't exist at the library looking at microfiche figuring out just what sort of war crimes we’re working with here.

Just fuckin with you, but I did look that shit up on Wikipedia. Did you know those crazy Japanese bastards slaughterd 23 MILLION Chinese??? They call that shit the Asian Holocaust. Now thats a little nuts because relatively speaking 23 million Chinese people is only like a drop in the Oriental bucket but nonetheless thats fuckin crazy. For 23 million this Anri Suzuki chick better have a Chinese dick inside her at all times for 50 years straight. I mean I’d say you gotta blow at least one Chinese man for every Chinese person killed in order to fully compensate for the sins of the past. 23 million is a lot to suck.

But I’ll tell you what, I would forgive the shit out of some country for any crimes against my ancestors if one of their smokeshows banged me. Instant forgiveness. I mean part of me wishes that my people suffered some atrocity just so I could get free blow jobs from some smoke. I’m just kidding about that. But not really. Heal my wounds with your body and you can have my forgiveness any day.

I Want To Make Babies With Patrick Kane’s Sister, Erica

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PV7LJvujZe0

Would somebody tell Patrick Kane to shut up already and put the camera on Erica. Hello future Mrs Papazides!

Hannah Fucking Storm!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zZema3w1e3A

Hannah fucking Storm! Bring it with that ass you little slut! Now that’s how you fucking work a room! She had everybody eating out of her hand. I had no idea she had this type of game. Like I knew she was kind of hot but that ass was singing some serious sweet music. Shake it when you walk bitch! Shake it!

16 Year Old Girl Trying To Sail Across The World Alone Lost At Sea (Shocking)

Grindtv – A rescue effort has been launched in hope of finding Abby Sunderland, 16, who set off her emergency beacon locating devices from the southern Indian Ocean early this morning. Sunderland, who had been attempting to sail around the world alone, endured multiple knockdowns in 60-knot winds Thursday before conditions briefly abated. However, her parents lost satellite phone contact early this morning and an hour later were notified by the Australian Coast Guard that both of Sunderland’s EPIRB satellite devices had been activated. Abby is hundreds of miles from land. The nearest ship was about 400 miles away. The rescue effort is being coordinated by the French-controlled Reunion Islands and Australia. The Sunderlands are asking people to pray for their daughter, a high-school junior from Thousand Oaks, Calif.

Well you didn’t need to be Nostradamus to see this one coming. I mean 16 year old girls can barely drive to the Supermarket and back without getting lost or crashing nevermind sailing across the world alone. And while this is obviously sad I for one will not pray for her. I’m sorry but nobody put a gun to her head and forced her to do this. You know how you don’t die sailing across the world alone? You don’t sail across the world alone. Boom, problem solved. There is just too much bad shit happening in the world to people without rhyme or reason to waste god’s time with prayers for those who knowingly put themselves in danger like this.

PS – Thank god this didn’t happen in American waters. Because one of my biggest pet peeves in life is wasting tax payers dollars on daredevils. Don’t get me wrong, I hope she makes it, but it’s not society’s responsibility to save her. So if she dies she dies.

Pop Rocks Baby

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VUe4USuqnBM

For the good of the world it would probably be best if I don’t procreate. Like there’s no doubt that I’m a taker not a giver. But I see parents doing shit like this and it kinda makes me wanna get one of these things just to experiment. It’s like having your own puppet and you can just make it do all sorts of shit as long as you don’t kill it. Fill it up with Mentos and Pepsi and see what happens. Make it eat Alka Seltzer tablets and hopefully it doesn’t explode.

And then as they get older you can move on from just shoving weird foods in their mouths and start making them do wacky stuff. Like this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kjb-QEl-FfU

Kid is like a little wind up toy. Crank him up and make him chase and assault ducks. Thats better than any video game on the market. So I dunno. Maybe I’ll rethink the whole children thing just out of curiosity. Plus at the very least you can make him fetch you beers and snacks when you’re watching the ballgame.

Justin Bieber Gets Kicked Out of the Lux Level Seating At Showcase Cinemas At Patriot Place

Boston.com - Just because he’s adored by millions of young ladies doesn’t mean he can break the rules.We’re told that pop phenomenon Justin Bieber, who performed with Taylor Swift at Gillette Stadium on Saturday night, was kicked out of the Lux Level seating area at the Showcase Cinema de Lux at Patriot Place on Saturday afternoon during a screening of the Russell Brand-Jonah Hill movie “Get Him to the Greek.” Bieber, who was with his bodyguard and his manager “Scooter” Braun, bought a general admission seat for “Greek” but snuck up to the Lux Level seating area, which is reserved for 21-plus patrons. Once a manager spotted him, Bieber was sent back to the general admission section. The “One Time” and “Baby” singer apparently told the manager he was frustrated that as a 16-year-old, he can go to Chuck E. Cheese, which sells alcohol, but he can’t get into the special section of a movie theater.

Cry me a river Bieber. The rules of the Lux Level exist for a reason and they clearly state you got to be 21 to sit up there so stop being a punk and questioning authority. Not to mention the fact that dropping the Chucky E Cheese analagy doesn’t really help your cause in terms of making you seem like a grown up. Now having said that what the fuck is the Lux Level? I see signs for that shit everytime I go to the movies in Boston but I’ve never known what that means exactly. I always thought it was kind of like the “popcorn club” or something. Yeah I waited in line one time for half an hour to join the popcorn club because I demolish popcorn at the movies and if there is some sort of secret popcorn club I wanted in. I thought maybe popcorn club members got like a huge super bucket that signified they were awesome at eating popcorn and got free refills with it or some shit like that. Turned out it was for little kids and you get a free small popcorn and a free ticket on your birthday. Such a disappointment. Anyway I digress. The bottom-line you don’t need to be a genius to figure out that if the Lux Club is kicking out Justin Bieber than that’s the hot place to be. So next time I go to the movies which will probably be this weekend I’m going to dominate the shit out of the Lux Level whatever that means.

So Seinfeld Trivia Was Fuckin Impossible

So, I went to Seinfeld Trivia at Dukes last week and it was fucking impossible.

Not that I was surprised or anything. I knew this was mostly going to be me drinking and having 5 teammates look at me with a disapproving and disappointing scowl. But as soon as one broad rolled in wearing a t shirt with the Kramer portrait on the front and announced that she came all the way from PHILADELPHIA for the Seinfeld trivia night I knew I was completely fucked. Like really babe? Fuckin 6 hours to show up at Duke’s for Seinfeld trivia? I don’t know whether to be disgusted with you or ask you to marry me.

Anyway they were asking shit like “In the episode “The Handicapped Spot,” when Jerry and Elaine visit the Drake, the Drake and Drakette have just broken up. Jerry and Elaine ask if there are any good restaurants in town. What is the name of the restaurant the Drake recommends?”

“In the episode “The Bizarro Jerry,” Kramer gets a job at Brandt-Leland. What is the name of the receptionist?”

I just kept taking a couple sips of my beer and nodding in approval of whatever my teammates threw out there. I mean don’t get me wrong I’m a big Seinfeld fan, but I’m sitting there waiting for shit like “One episode, everyone goes to a place with really good soup but the owner of the soup shop is very strict and you need to order in a really specific way. The nickname of the shop owner is “The Soup…” what?” These people at Duke’s were just on another level.

Does This Look Like The Face Of A College Bro Busted For Chucking Vomit-Filled Condoms At A Cop?

Daily Herald - A 19-year-old North Central College freshman is accused of luring a campus security officer to a downtown Naperville parking garage and pelting him with vomit-filled condoms. Tyler J. Wilfley is charged with battery and disorderly conduct in connection with the incident that Naperville police said occurred about 2 a.m. May 28. The security officer told police he was responding to a call from a female student who was requesting an escort back to the campus from the parking deck near Chicago Avenue and Washington Street. Police said the security officer did not see the female student when he arrived. When he got out of his vehicle to look around for the woman, at least two vomit-filled condoms were thrown at him, police said. The contents of the condoms struck the officer’s vehicle and got on the officer’s clothes, police said.

Do you know how much liquid a condom can hold? It’s absurd. It’s like at least 100 gallons of liquid. Back in my freshman year we used to order Wings every single night. Midnight Special obviously. Half pound of wings, fries, and a drink for $6.95. Awesome deal. Only problem was the delivery guy was the biggest cocksucker you could possibly imagine. Dude just showed up late every night, sauntered up to the door, dropped your shit on the ground and yelled at you for more tip. Real fucking Chinese prick.

So anyway I finally had enough of getting my midnight special smushed on the pavement so we ordered our shit then filled up some condoms with water and headed up to the roof. Needed 2 people and a towel to carry this thing. About 50 pounds of water. Long story short when dickhead delivery man showed up we let that thing loose from 3 stories up right on top of his head. Not sure if he actually lost consciousness or not but he went down and he went down hard. Dude could have jumped in the ocean and been less wet than he was too. Needless to say the next day Wings announced they would no longer we delivering to Kimmel Hall but it was totally worth it.

And I think that’s similar to what’s going on with the cop here. Be polite and act with a little professionalism for once or you’re taking a water or puke filled rubber to the dome every night of the week regardless of the consequences.