Dan Gilbert Is An American Hero

NBA.com - Dear Cleveland, All Of Northeast Ohio and Cleveland Cavaliers Supporters Wherever You May Be Tonight;
As you now know, our former hero, who grew up in the very region that he deserted this evening, is no longer a Cleveland Cavalier. This was announced with a several day, narcissistic, self-promotional build-up culminating with a national TV special of his “decision” unlike anything ever “witnessed” in the history of sports and probably the history of entertainment. Clearly, this is bitterly disappointing to all of us. The good news is that the ownership team and the rest of the hard-working, loyal, and driven staff over here at your hometown Cavaliers have not betrayed you nor NEVER will betray you. There is so much more to tell you about the events of the recent past and our more than exciting future. Over the next several days and weeks, we will be communicating much of that to you. You simply don’t deserve this kind of cowardly betrayal. You have given so much and deserve so much more. In the meantime, I want to make one statement to you tonight: “I PERSONALLY GUARANTEE THAT THE CLEVELAND CAVALIERS WILL WIN AN NBA CHAMPIONSHIP BEFORE THE SELF-TITLED FORMER ‘KING’ WINS ONE” You can take it to the bank. If you thought we were motivated before tonight to bring the hardware to Cleveland, I can tell you that this shameful display of selfishness and betrayal by one of our very own has shifted our “motivation” to previously unknown and previously never experienced levels. Some people think they should go to heaven but NOT have to die to get there. Sorry, but that’s simply not how it works. This shocking act of disloyalty from our home grown “chosen one” sends the exact opposite lesson of what we would want our children to learn. And “who” we would want them to grow-up to become. But the good news is that this heartless and callous action can only serve as the antidote to the so-called “curse” on Cleveland, Ohio. The self-declared former “King” will be taking the “curse” with him down south. And until he does “right” by Cleveland and Ohio, James (and the town where he plays) will unfortunately own this dreaded spell and bad karma.
Just watch.
Sleep well, Cleveland.
Tomorrow is a new and much brighter day….
I PROMISE you that our energy, focus, capital, knowledge and experience will be directed at one thing and one thing only:
DELIVERING YOU the championship you have long deserved and is long overdue….

Hey Lebron, hows Dan Gilbert’s ass taste! A-fucking-men brother! It’s a shame the Cavs are most likely done as a franchise and will probably be contracted in the coming years, and all that mumbo jumbo about curses and about them winning a title before Miami is just a bold faced lie, but whatever. That’s not the point. The point is Dan Gilbert could have very easily gone the PR route and he didn’t. He could have taken out an ad in the paper and thanked him and talked about the 7 good years they got and said it was time to move on and blah blah all the generic shit you always hear. And instead, he stood up like a man and called out Lebron for being the glorified skunk that he is. “Some people think they should go to heaven but should not have to die to get there?” That’s some poetic ass shit right there! I mean if a wordsmith such as myself came up with that, it would be one thing. But it’s just riveting coming from a laymen like Gilbert.

And I don’t think Lebron really had any obligation to stay in Cleveland. Matter of fact, sometimes I think he was cursed (and I mean that in the VERY slightest way possible) by being drafted to his hometown team. People thought he owed it to Cleveland and had to bring them a title. Meanwhile Chris Bosh peaces out on Toronto and nobody gives a fuck. Because Bosh isn’t originally from Toronto. He’s from the same planet as the Predator. But more importantly he was honest right off the bat – dude said the first second the season ended he wasn’t coming back. It was nothing personal, just business, and pretty much everyone understood except for that cooky broad who made that Please Stay song. But Lebron, on the other hand, strings the whole organization and the whole city until the 11th fuckin hour for his TV infomercial and toys with the most desperate people in America. Lets be honest, that entire city was waiting with baited breath to see if their Savior would save their city from extinction and it was painfully obvious this dude never had any thought of returning. But a guy who’s constantly thinking about himself and only himself wouldn’t realize that.

PS – Do you guys realize we’re talking about a player who signed for LESS money to join a winning team and people still want to set him on fire. That, my friends, is just how much he wreaks of dickheadness. Guy is being a total team player and doing whatever is best for the organization and he’s still hated. That’s when you know you’re a total dick.