Hey Queen Elizabeth, Come Get Some!

(July 5) – Queen Elizabeth II will visit New York on Tuesday for the third time in her 58-year reign, addressing the United Nations General Assembly for the first time in half a century and making her first trip to Ground Zero, where she plans to lay a wreath. After spending nine days in Canada to celebrate Canada Day and the centenary of the Canadian Navy, the queen, 84, and her husband, Prince Philip, the Duke of Edinburgh, will cap off their North American journey with a whirlwind half-day in the Big Apple. It is the monarch’s first visit since 1976, when she was made an “honorary New Yorker” by Mayor Abraham Beame. Queen Elizabeth will deliver a mid-afternoon speech to delegates from 192 countries at the U.N., according to reports, her first address there since 1957, when she urged delegates to pursue peace and uphold civil rights. In Tuesday’s speech, reportedly penned by government officials but containing some of the queen’s thoughts, she will offer personal reflections and “appeal for world unity.”

Have ya had some Liz? Come get some you kinky little minx. Bitch hasn’t been here since ‘57, folks. This is a big deal. And as the newest Ambassador to New York City, I’d like to extend my warmest welcome. Maybe when you wrap up with that whole UN thing you can come by my apartment. Crush some Brewski’s and play some 6 cup Beer Pong. At this point I really think I might have more pull in this city than the General Assembly so maybe you should think about wooing my ass.

You know, the Queen of England and your boy aren’t all that different. Both of us have joke jobs in which we do fucking NOTHING. Only difference is she gets $57.8 million dollars a year and I get $57.80. Like just fifty seven dollars and eighty cents. But I heard she likes to creep on facebook too, so we got that in common. Gimme 60 minutes alone with the Queen of England and I bet you I can fuck her. I’ll just talk about crumpets and earl grey and cricket for an hour and before you know it she’ll be wearing nothing but her crown.