Does Liking Girly Flavors of Vodka Make Me a Pussy?

I’ll admit right up front that while I can hold my own when it comes to drinking, I’m a gigantic pussy when it comes to most types of hard liquor. My Irish heritage makes it so whiskey tastes like water, but most alcohol agrees with me like a gender studies major at a Blackout show. The last time I had rum I woke up to a broken television and a pile of clothes covered in urine, which must have happened when I forgot to lock the door before passing out, so some drunk guy came in and pissed everywhere. If I see someone do a shot of tequila at a bar, I have to make a conscious effort to suppress my gag reflex (And before anyone can comment: “Easy for you because of all the dicks you suck.”) In preparation for summer, my current non-beer drink of choice is the John Daly, which consists of 60 proof pink lemonade vodka mixed with iced tea. Not exactly moonshine from a mason jar. But even I have limits on just how girly I was willing to go. Or so I thought.

In my weekly rotation of various neighborhood liquor stores (being a borderline alcoholic is like being a serial killer; can’t be too careful covering your tracks or they’ll realize what you really are) I’ve noticed that more and more variations of flavored rubbing alcohol have been popping up, with most of them seeming to appeal to people more disposed to being born with a vagina. And even though it would make for a better joke, when I’m talking about these masculinity challenging flavors I’m not referring to the fruity stuff. I mean the real exotic shit.  Smirnoff came out with marshmallow and whipped cream vodka a little while ago, but any apprehension I might have initially had was balanced out by the erection that the commercials gave me. But then things started to get out of hand. Pinnacle came into the vodka game like its shit doesn’t stink and just started dropping every flavor imaginable. They have options like cake, fire ball, and cotton candy; the list goes on for days. Back in the 80s and 90s cigarette companies got in trouble using cartoons to market to children, but these motherfuckers are blowing them out of the water. At first I couldn’t comprehend who else would want to buy these besides a five year old with a drinking problem. But then I got the chance to take a shot of the cake flavor, and my deepest fear was realized: this shit is delicious.

Cake vodka actually tastes like a Funfetti cake dipped in a shitload of booze. And once I realized it existed I couldn’t stop there. Cake vodka was my gateway. I went to pick up more and I was like a kid in a candy store if that candy store sold candy flavored alcohol. I got cookie dough, marshmallow, motherfucking Swedish fish; it’s like revisiting your childhood, only this time it’s fueled by 70 proof vodka. Now I’m not saying that I walk into a store every Friday and buy a handle of whipped cream vodka. But I’m kind of hooked, and I don’t know how I feel about it. I know it’s the 21^st century and we’re big on acceptance and not subscribing to social stigmas, but I still totally do and so does basically every other person alive. I’m way too vain to just do my own thing. There’s a reason I didn’t go to fucking art school. So hopefully some of the more knowledgeable readers can help me decide, because if anyone is the voice of reason, it’s my readers: Is it alright to openly enjoy the girliest drinks to hit the shelves in recent memory, or do I just have a case of the gay? Tweet me.