NY Post – An untenured Brooklyn high-school teacher catapulted herself down a school stairwell in a wacky attempt to avoid a classroom observation by her supervisor, a probe obtained by The Post shows. Staffers at the HS for Innovation in Advertising and Media told investigators that first-year teacher Ilene Feldman was so petrified about a scheduled classroom observation — coming in the wake of a poor performance review — that she staged a clumsy pratfall in a stairwell rather than risk getting a second negative rating. A review of the footage showed the 33-year-old novice teacher pausing on the fifth step of a narrow staircase and bending over to rummage through her handbag. She then glances toward the door as if listening for someone to approach. “Feldman, who then appeared to hear someone coming, grabbed her handbag with her right hand, held the railing with her left hand, and slowly fell to the 2nd floor landing,” the report said. Despite bracing her fall with her arm, Feldman lands on her back with her arms extended up and out. She reaches for her leg and makes “sounds as if she were in extreme pain” just as a concerned staffer enters the frame.
I’m so on the same page with this chick it brings a fucking tear to my eye. I used to do fucking anything to get out of shit I didn’t want to deal with. Still do. Just the other day I emailed my boss and told him I fell down a flight of stairs and broke both my hands so I couldn’t type for a couple weeks. He was like “well then how did you write this email?” Fuckin A, back to the drawing board on that one. In a previous life as a Cubicle Monkey I went as far as looking up all the details on short term disability because I had myself like 95% ready to try to jump in front of a taxi as it stopped for a red light so I didn’t have to sit in my cage for 6 weeks. When I was like 9 years old I jumped out of my tree house to try and hurt my ankle so I didn’t have to go to baseball practice because my coach was a dickhead. I’d pull the trigger on Monday mornings when my mother was walking by the bathroom just to get out of a day of school.
The reality of the matter is, if you choose to intentionally inflict pain on yourself in order to avoid the consequences of the shitty job you’ve done in your professional/personal life, you need to go all out. You either throw yourself down a flight of stairs, or you don’t. None of this “controlled falling” shit from the 3rd to last step. You get liquored up and you throw yourself from the top of the 10th step and you cross your fingers you don’t actually fuck your shit up too bad. And when you reach the bottom you start screaming about how you don’t have feeling in your extremities and blame the Board of Ed for being sexist and racist. Make sure in the weeks to come you talk about how you’re unable to conceive children from your traumatic experience and you sue the school district, the construction company and the witness who came around the corner for not coming to your aid. Nobody is gonna give a shit that you “need improvement with classroom skills” or some shit when you roll into school in a Christopher Reeves robot chair with Jesse Jackson to your right blaming the white man for constructing a shoddy staircase.
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