5 Year Old Slugger Hits 80 MPH Gas

I know a lot of you are like shitting your pants right now freaking out about this little 5-tool 5 year old. But as a former perennial gym class All-Star shortstop/third basemen I got to say that I’m not that impressed. Don’t get me wrong the kid could definitely pinch hit or warm up the right fielder on our squad but I don’t see what the big fuss is about? For starters how about showing him field a ball at game speed? Like who’s the genius that thought it would be really cool to show a bunch of routine grounders in slow motion? Jesus you give an asshole iMovie and they don’t fucking quit with the effects. And I don’t see the bat speed everyone is raving about? Oh look he hit a meatball crossing the plate straight as an arrow. Sweet. Throw this idiot a curveball and watch his knees buckle.

But where it all comes crashing out is when they put this kid on the mound. Bro. Fuck is that. I’m embarrassed. Honestly “Float it” may work for Henry Rowengartner but I don’t think that 35 mph lobbed up cheese is what you were going for? Yawn. Another day another child prodigy destroyed by the cold hard facts. Back to bed.