So I made my semi-annual visit to Church today. I don’t know what it is, but when I walk into mass I revert back to a 5 year old boy. Like I wanna lay down on the pews and crawl underneath them and play hide and seek with myself. Play make believe and bother my dad and shit like that. I just stare at the clock until we get to the Our Father since that’s the only time I can contribute. Lord knows the rest of the time I’m just mumbling along to fit in.
Today was an especially awful. I decided to go to the 12:00pm mass with all the other heathens since I stayed up till 4 tossing bags and blacking out. What an unmitigated disaster it was. Nobody knew when to stand, nobody knew when to sit. Priest had some Nigerian accent, couldn’t understand a word he was saying. Communion was a goddamned free for all like they were gonna run out of the Host. Jesus must have been looking down on the parish today like “welp, you can’t win em all.”
So I’m there pretending to be a Catholic when in reality I can’t stop thinking about how all I wanna do is break the neck of the kid behind me who won’t stop kicking the kneeler. And in front of me is this Smokeshow In Training who’s like 14. And her grandpa has his hand around her waist in this awkward way that was making everyone in my pew completey uncomfortable. Then we get to the Peace part and I gotta shake the hand of the semi-homeless guy to my left and the old bird with the eyebrows drawn on her face to my right. All I’m thinking is let me get some Communion and let me sneak out the back. Sorry God, I’m hungover and I need a Gatorade like you wouldn’t believe.
PS – People who drink the wine at Communion are gross.
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